Sensible Steps

Creating TEAM in StepCouples: Highlight to Interview on StepMom's Toolbox

2011-05-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

After only a couple days, my interview was #3 in the ranks of 765 within its category. The biggest honor, truly, is simply being a guest on the show. I know that sounds cliché, but there have been so many respected knowledgeable experts and authors before me. Last month was the 3 Year Anniversary of The Stepmom’s Toolbox Blogtalk Radio Show. Peggy Nolan, the Executive Director and main host,

Incomplete Grief is Overlooked as a Reason Relationships Fail

2011-01-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

When people hear the word grief, they immediately think of mourning somebody's death. This is accurate, but it overlooks the many other ways of grieving. Random House Webster's Dictionary defines grief as "deep sorrow". By that definition, it logically follows that people grieve the loss of their relationship or family after divorce. Unsurprisingly, the grief feels more harsh to kids. Yet, it

New Year's Resolutions

2010-12-31T19:44:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year when people reflect on things they've accomplished or didn't. It is a time of evaluation and planning; a time of preparing to take action and change. The best way to do this is to be honest with yourself. We can't truly improve if we can't see the forest through the trees. Try to step back from your reflections and try to look at it from your partner's view. Or, instead

Have a Happy Holiday Season

2010-12-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

I hope everybody has a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or other festival, and an enjoyable holiday season! Please remember 2 things: 1) Take time for yourself as well. Giving is what Christmas is about, but give to yourself as well. Give yourself quality time of relaxation or to do something you enjoy. Savor the time with your family. 2) The best gift you can give your children,

The Legal Rights Of Step-Parents

2010-12-19T11:56:00.002-07:00

This video discusses a sensitive topic. Step parents are "legal strangers". This is a sad reality in times of a medical emergency. There are other circumstances as well in which a child's needs can be compromised due to this legal misfortune. Biological parents can change it, if they choose, through legal documents. In order for that to happen, both biological parents have to agree to set aside

What is a Dysfunctional Stepfamily?

2010-11-29T18:47:00.001-07:00

A dysfunctional stepfamily results when a dysfunctional first family transitions into a stepfamily, by either cohabitation or marriage. Additionally, two healthy first families can produce a dysfunctional stepfamily, by cohabitation or marriage, if they have unrealistic expectations or don’t know how to make a cohesive stepfamily from two different families. Stepfamily dynamics begin the minute

One Thanksgiving in a Dysfunctional Stepfamily – A True Story

2010-11-26T23:55:00.000-07:00

I hope everybody had an exceptional Thanksgiving Day, stayed safe, had enough to eat, and found plenty of things to be grateful for. Blessings to you! This blog entry is not targeted to you. This blog is targeted to the folks who had trouble finding things to be thankful for or otherwise had a miserable Thanksgiving. We all want to be happy, particularly on holidays. We like to think of

Even Frenemies Deserve a Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you and your family have a safe enjoyable holiday. Whether you are traveling or staying home, Thanksgiving can be stressful. If you are traveling, you may have to deal with crowds in traffic, the airport, or the bus station. If you have to stop at the store, you’re dealing with other people who are in a rush and often not paying attention to anything or anybody except

Practical Strategies for Dealing with BioMom

2010-11-19T10:03:00.001-07:00

These strategies helped me immensely. I put it in outline format in order to make it easier and quicker to read. It is in response to the plethora of outcry I hear from StepMoms about a BM who is tough to deal with. 1) Distinguish what you can control and what you can’t. a. In every situation, ask yourself the following questions: i. Can I control this? ii. Can I control a part of this? iii.

A Little About Co-dependency

2010-11-16T18:47:00.000-07:00

Co-dependency is an unhealthy psychological need to be needed. There is a difference between helping somebody and doing everything for them. Helping somebody is providing them with something they need but don’t already have in order to accomplish a certain task or goal. It could be an object, money, or knowledge of how to do something. It is a way of empowering them to finish on their own. In

Things I Learned Professionally and Personally

2010-11-16T18:43:00.000-07:00

1) Conflict of Loyalties between step and biology. Stepchildren often feel conflicted about liking their stepmom. Internally, they worry it means they like their mom less. This feeling is pronounced when the BioMom outwardly disapproves of the StepMom. Tucking my ex-boyfriend’s son into bed was special to me. It was usually reserved for his dad, and he seldom requested me to. So whenever he

Reaction to Stepmom Success: How to Deal with the Ex-Wife

2010-11-10T15:06:00.000-07:00

This blog is written in reaction to referenced-article on Huffington Post dated Nov 11, 2010. Based on posted comments, I know I'm not the only person who feels this way. They say that parenthood is a thankless job, but I say BioMoms and BioDads get thanks and recognition regularly. Step parenting is a truly thankless job. It takes time to build rapport with stepkids. Step parents are often

Forgiveness Doesn't Mean Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship

2010-11-07T14:30:00.003-07:00

In its simplest form, forgiveness means to not feel ill-will toward somebody who wronged you. It means to not be angry at that person anymore. If you are in a relationship with that person, it also means not to bring up the wrong in future arguments. If you’re forgiving an ex, it is a step toward healing and finding closure. Many people don’t understand why I defend my ex. When I first share

Hindsight 20/20

2010-11-05T22:44:00.002-07:00

Hindsight 20/20: My Dysfunctional Stepfamily Experience. How about that for the title of my autobiography I’m writing? I think it fits. It’s not a definite – only a definite maybe. Circumstances often look clear after the fact, but that isn’t always the case. In mine, it took years before I could look back at it with clarity. It feels good to understand what went wrong and why even though it

I rediscovered my why in a Jerry Maguire Moment

2010-10-27T16:01:00.001-07:00

I didn’t write a new Mission Statement or a memo but it was a Jerry Maguire moment. In the wee hours of the morning, not able to fall back to sleep, I became my mom’s daughter again. My conscious and subconscious came together; in a touchy-feely minute, I reaffirmed my reasons for starting Sensible Steps, LLC. To date, the best compliment I ever received is when a client told me I was helping

I am not a Victim

2010-10-26T20:52:00.005-07:00

Once again, I was moved to tears by thinking of my last long-term relationship – my stepfamily experience as an adult. The word “mind-fuck” came to me. That’s exactly what happened – in a word. It’s been a long time since I thought of that word to describe the 2 ½ year experience. I went through a long spiritual process of forgiving everybody, including myself, and ridding myself of all

Adult Children of Divorce Learn how to Love from Television

2010-10-12T16:38:00.001-07:00

Adult children of divorce have the toughest time having healthy relationships as an adult. Because their parents divorced, they were unable to see what a healthy marriage looks and feels like, unless of course either parent remarried and stayed married. Instead of learning how to have a long and lasting marriage, they learn how to argue, stonewall, criticize, manipulate, or any number of things,

Frenemies in Step Families

2010-10-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

Recently, I heard an old podcast of "This American Life" about Frenemies. It basically represents a relationship between two people who can be considered a friend or an enemy depending on the day and current perspective. It either changes between the 2 perspectives frequently or the participants have a difficult time figuring out what they are to begin with. I recommend listening to the podcast

The Stepmoms Toolbox discussed Secrets of Stepfamily Success - Review

2010-10-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

Gloria Lintermans is author of the book, The Secrets to Stepfamily Success. No, I have not had a chance to read it yet. I barely finished the last book, but plan to pick this one up very soon. I'm looking forward to it, in fact, especially after hearing her discussion on The Stepmoms Toolbox blog-talk radio. The most significant point Gloria made was the importance of mourning the loss of the

New Format in Blog Entries for October

2010-10-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

For the rest of this month, October, I am going to try something different. I am going to use this blog in a manner that is more closely related to its original intention - personal over professional. Instead of posting published articles here, and other formal entries, I am switching to more informal posts. I will still write on topics related to divorce and stepfamilies, but I will relate them

AWAIT is a 5-Step Process to Change

2010-09-13T15:07:00.004-07:00

Can he change? Will it always be this way? Why doesn't she just stop? He's too old to change. It's a "man" thing. It's a "girl" thing. All men (women) are this way, so she (he) just needs to get used to it. We've all heard or said these allegories and have wondered if they relate to specific behaviors or habits. The AWAIT system of change is a guide to changing yourself or another person.Each of

Five Tips to Setting Boundaries

2010-09-03T21:30:00.004-07:00