After only a couple days, my interview was #3 in the ranks of 765 within its category. The biggest honor, truly, is simply being a guest on the show. I know that sounds cliché, but there have been so many respected knowledgeable experts and authors before me. Last month was the 3 Year Anniversary of The Stepmom’s Toolbox Blogtalk Radio Show. Peggy Nolan, the Executive Director and main host, obviously knows what she’s doing. To her credit, she has 2 great co-hosts, Teresa Thompson and Erin Erickson, who share in the interviewing. They all have personal experience in the trenches of daily stepfamily life. They offer valuable insights, as well as broaden the scope of every topic brought to the table.
Their show is live every Monday from 8:00 to 9:00 PM EST. But if you can’t make it, show up any time to listen to shows in their archives. Even better, download episodes to share with others. Each show has valuable content, insight, and advice. They target stepmoms primarily and secondarily others in or around a stepfamily. The educational value is there for the taking, even for somebody who hasn’t experienced stress in a stepfamily. A few of my favorite guests are Mary-Kelly Williams, Donna Ferber, and Erin interviewing her stepkids, as well as Gloria Lintermans talking about her book The Secrets to Stepfamily Success. Also, I’m anxious to hear Sheila Dean on Monday talk about How to Date Your Mate when in a stepfamily.
Now, the replay of my interview, Creating TEAM in StepCouples, has been added to my list of favorite Stepmom’s Toolbox archives. To make it more special, my sister shared with me that she had an “Aha!” moment while listening to me discuss how bio-parents can mistakenly keep the stepparent powerless. She now recognizes how she maintained the power differential in her previous marriage without realizing it. If you missed it, I wrote up a few highlights below. You’ll have to tune in, though, for the real-life examples I gave of a stepfamily.
Teamwork is the biggest ally between co-parents. Teamwork is Power, because it strengthens boundaries. It is a tool that builds unity and prevents it from breaking down. It is an assistant in building rapport between the stepparents and stepchildren. The stronger the (co-parent) team, the more cohesive the stepfamily, the less misbehavior by the children, the higher likelihood of staying together.
Teamwork is more important in a stepfamily than first family. Every relationship and family has challenges and disagreements, but many stay together in spite of them. Those same challenges and disagreements cause heightened conflict in stepfamilies. Why is there a difference? In a first family, parents have equal and automatic power and influence. They have equal advantages: history, biological bond, and unconditional love. Regardless of arguments or problems, these 3 things never change. Each family member adapts to the others’ nuances from the day each kid is born. In a stepfamily, the stepparents are essentially strangers to their stepchildren. History has to be learned through 2nd-hand stories and pictures. Memories – good times - have to be created. Love is conditional. Respect comes first. Love may or may not happen. If it does, it’s after a lot of time has passed and after the stepparent has proven herself. Teamwork is a shortcut to creating memories and building respect.
Dad has equal responsibility in building a TEAM with his partner, the kids’ StepMom. He should tell his kids that he respects her decisions and expects them to listen to her. He needs to follow-up his words through his actions. If he disagrees with a direction she gives his son, he should make sure his son obeys, but talk to her about it in private later. If Dad doesn’t back her, he breaks down the team and hinders her ability to gain rapport with his children.
When StepMom has been accepted emotionally as a maternal figure, she can take more initiative in making rules on the spot and creating new punishments. Once she is accepted, she has direct influence, so going through Dad is less important. StepMoms, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Has your partner ever outwardly disagreed with you in front of the kids?
2. Has he ever not supported an independent decision you made? This is usually by doing something contradictory to your decision.
3. Has he not backed you on ALL parenting (rules and consequences)?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, your partner is not being a team player. Acquiesce to his parenting style, even if you disagree with it, but talk to him privately. The worst thing you can do is introduce new rules or ways of doing something. This may not be what you want to hear, but it will give you the least amount of stress. If your stepchild rejects your directive, your partner probably will too. Since he hasn’t always backed you, he probably still won’t, yet again undermining your authority and keeping you powerless. Influence your partner to change through private conversations with him. If he refuses to stop, continue to follow his parenting style and intermittently talk to him.
When you take hubby aside to talk personally, ideally it should be in a place where you’re sure not to be disturbed and the kids won’t overhear. I recommend framing the conversation in the context of how stepfamilies are different than first families and requires different tactics. Point to the myriad of research and resources that has documented the differences. Most of the resources are new within the last few years, but the first research dates back a couple decades. Explain a little about what you’ve learned and ask for his help in adapting to your new stepfamily. Phrasing your conversation with these 2 things in mind should hopefully keep him off the defensive and make him more receptive to changing.
What if Dad doesn’t change? What if he refuses to adapt to stepfamily life? Maybe he doesn’t understand that stepfamilies require doing things differently. Even if he says he understands, he may not *get* it. There is no magic wand you can wave over his head to make him get it. There are no magic words. We can’t place a spell on him. Continue to point him to the research, which documents the factual differences, along with the reasons, by many experts. My favorite book is The Secrets to Stepfamily Success by Gloria Lintermans. I’m also a fan of National Stepfamily Resource Center, and of course, The Stepfamily Foundation. If he still refuses to change, you are powerless. As a stepparent, the extent of your power goes only to the extent that the BioParent gives you.
The bottom line is that change happens when a stepfamily forms. Ideally, both adults should work together in managing the changes (adapting) in a way that is a win-win for everybody. If 1 person is trying to adapt and the other is steadfastly trying to hold onto a method that isn’t working, the couple is going to have relationship issues. The sad truth is that not everybody who should change does. And not everybody who we try to change need to change. Either way, sometimes we work ourselves into a frenzy trying to get somebody else to change a habit, behavior, or way of doing something. That’s the case in all types of relationships - not just stepfamilies. So to relieve a little stress of my clients, as well as myself in trying to help them, I came up with an easy way for people to keep ourselves in check – to not overwork ourselves in trying to change somebody who won’t change, yet also determine if the person will change. It’s the AWAIT system of change…- A – W – A – I - T. Awareness – Willingness – Action Plan – Implementation – Tracking. Whether they’re aware of it or not, everybody who decides to change a habit, behavior, or way of doing something, go through each of these steps. If we want somebody, like our partner, to change something, like his parenting style, we need to engage him in a conversation to see if he is:
• A – Aware of the benefits of making the change
• W – Willing to go through the process of making the change
• A – Acts by making a plan
• I – Implements his action plan
• T – tracks his progress. Tracking is the only step that is not absolutely necessary, but significantly increases the likelihood of success.
You can read more about my AWAIT system of change here.
Teamwork seems to be obvious and not disputed. Yet, it is frequently mentioned in stepfamily relationships. For one reason, adult children of broken homes and many others have never learned how to have a healthy relationship. Secondly, there are far more misunderstandings, miscommunications, and hurt feelings in stepfamilies. Thirdly, most families have very busy lives. Stress is constant: work, traffic, dealing with Customer Service Rep of XYZ Company about a wrong charge, and maintaining the household (scheduling kids’ activities and transportation, budgeting, parenting, and working on your relationship). It’s easy to get off track. We all need to practice teamwork and hope it will eventually become second nature.
The extent of a StepMom’s power is the extent to what the BioDad gives her. He has to respect her in order for the kids to respect her. He has to allow her to be parental toward his kids. If he doesn’t want it, his influence will negate her power. His kids will do as he does. If he undermines her authority, so will the kids. If he thinks she’s being too strict, the kids are going to work that to their advantage.
The imbalance of power is a more potent issue with a childless stepmom. When both adults have children, the power is equal with respect to their own children. Childless StepMoms, however, don’t have equal advantages: a past history, blood bond, and unconditional love. Moms who share homes with Dads always carry the role of Mom. Regardless of the other sources of stressors and dissention, she will never lose that title as part of her identity. A childless stepmom could easily lose her sense of identity because she doesn’t have a defined role within the house. Everybody is expecting her to behave a certain way or do certain things, often without telling her. They probably think she already knows. On top of that, their expectations often conflict with everybody else’s. Therefore, it is even more important for a childless StepMom to have an external support system and identity aside from the home. This could be co-workers, a support group, a woman’s group, or a church group to name a few. On-line groups, especially in Facebook, are very popular. Otherwise, a childless stepmom has the potential of feeling isolated and alone, which can lead to an emotionally unhealthy environment.
As usual, I welcome comments and questions.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Incomplete Grief is Overlooked as a Reason Relationships Fail
When people hear the word grief, they immediately think of mourning somebody's death. This is accurate, but it overlooks the many other ways of grieving. Random House Webster's Dictionary defines grief as "deep sorrow". By that definition, it logically follows that people grieve the loss of their relationship or family after divorce. Unsurprisingly, the grief feels more harsh to kids. Yet, it afflicts adults in profound ways as well. If people don't allow themselves or their children to grieve at all or enough, it can have detrimental effects on subsequent relationships.
Everybody needs to adjust to the "new normal" after losing a loved one. This is true whether you are widowed or divorced. The loss creates a hole which propels people to fill. The grieving process fills the hole with acceptance, forgiveness, encouragement, confidence, and happiness. Sometimes, it also teaches a lesson. Without the grieving process, people tend to fill it in other ways, including addictions and new relationships. Both are self-destructive in that they discourage or prevent healing.
Children learn from their parents directly through their words and indirectly by modeling their actions. Parents who overlook the grieving process in themselves also tend to miss signs of incomplete grief in their children. Consequently, nobody heals; nobody becomes healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Symptoms include discipline challenges, emotional or behavioral outbursts, lower grades, and difficulty forming new friendships.
Adults who immediately move on to a new relationship before fully grieving the loss of their previous relationship are least likely to have a fulfilling lasting relationship. It is likely they entered into the new relationship as a means of filling the hole, which is the wrong reason. They internally want things to be the way they were, while outwardly expressing acceptance and excitement over their new love. They place unrealistic expectations on the new relationship and partner, and then feel frustrated when reality hits. Their partner may be doing the same thing.
Sudden and unexpected separation causes the most grief. This is why grief is most harsh to children. Even when adults see or experience warning signs of pending separation, or slowly fall out of love with their spouse, the kids feel blindsided because they didn't see it coming. It takes time to come to terms with change. Grieving can only start after a person becomes aware of the loss. Ideally, this should be before the children are uprooted from their home, school, and friends. When this doesn't (can't) happen, parents should be keenly tuned to how the children adjust.
The Secrets of Stepfamily Success, by Gloria Lintermans, discusses the full process of grief in both adults and children. She explains the need to grieve both tangible and intangible losses, gives examples, and lists signs of incomplete grief. I highly recommend reading her book, especially if you are a separated or divorced parent and are considering forming a relationship with a new partner.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Everybody needs to adjust to the "new normal" after losing a loved one. This is true whether you are widowed or divorced. The loss creates a hole which propels people to fill. The grieving process fills the hole with acceptance, forgiveness, encouragement, confidence, and happiness. Sometimes, it also teaches a lesson. Without the grieving process, people tend to fill it in other ways, including addictions and new relationships. Both are self-destructive in that they discourage or prevent healing.
Children learn from their parents directly through their words and indirectly by modeling their actions. Parents who overlook the grieving process in themselves also tend to miss signs of incomplete grief in their children. Consequently, nobody heals; nobody becomes healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Symptoms include discipline challenges, emotional or behavioral outbursts, lower grades, and difficulty forming new friendships.
Adults who immediately move on to a new relationship before fully grieving the loss of their previous relationship are least likely to have a fulfilling lasting relationship. It is likely they entered into the new relationship as a means of filling the hole, which is the wrong reason. They internally want things to be the way they were, while outwardly expressing acceptance and excitement over their new love. They place unrealistic expectations on the new relationship and partner, and then feel frustrated when reality hits. Their partner may be doing the same thing.
Sudden and unexpected separation causes the most grief. This is why grief is most harsh to children. Even when adults see or experience warning signs of pending separation, or slowly fall out of love with their spouse, the kids feel blindsided because they didn't see it coming. It takes time to come to terms with change. Grieving can only start after a person becomes aware of the loss. Ideally, this should be before the children are uprooted from their home, school, and friends. When this doesn't (can't) happen, parents should be keenly tuned to how the children adjust.
The Secrets of Stepfamily Success, by Gloria Lintermans, discusses the full process of grief in both adults and children. She explains the need to grieve both tangible and intangible losses, gives examples, and lists signs of incomplete grief. I highly recommend reading her book, especially if you are a separated or divorced parent and are considering forming a relationship with a new partner.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
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