When people hear the word grief, they immediately think of mourning somebody's death. This is accurate, but it overlooks the many other ways of grieving. Random House Webster's Dictionary defines grief as "deep sorrow". By that definition, it logically follows that people grieve the loss of their relationship or family after divorce. Unsurprisingly, the grief feels more harsh to kids. Yet, it afflicts adults in profound ways as well. If people don't allow themselves or their children to grieve at all or enough, it can have detrimental effects on subsequent relationships.
Everybody needs to adjust to the "new normal" after losing a loved one. This is true whether you are widowed or divorced. The loss creates a hole which propels people to fill. The grieving process fills the hole with acceptance, forgiveness, encouragement, confidence, and happiness. Sometimes, it also teaches a lesson. Without the grieving process, people tend to fill it in other ways, including addictions and new relationships. Both are self-destructive in that they discourage or prevent healing.
Children learn from their parents directly through their words and indirectly by modeling their actions. Parents who overlook the grieving process in themselves also tend to miss signs of incomplete grief in their children. Consequently, nobody heals; nobody becomes healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Symptoms include discipline challenges, emotional or behavioral outbursts, lower grades, and difficulty forming new friendships.
Adults who immediately move on to a new relationship before fully grieving the loss of their previous relationship are least likely to have a fulfilling lasting relationship. It is likely they entered into the new relationship as a means of filling the hole, which is the wrong reason. They internally want things to be the way they were, while outwardly expressing acceptance and excitement over their new love. They place unrealistic expectations on the new relationship and partner, and then feel frustrated when reality hits. Their partner may be doing the same thing.
Sudden and unexpected separation causes the most grief. This is why grief is most harsh to children. Even when adults see or experience warning signs of pending separation, or slowly fall out of love with their spouse, the kids feel blindsided because they didn't see it coming. It takes time to come to terms with change. Grieving can only start after a person becomes aware of the loss. Ideally, this should be before the children are uprooted from their home, school, and friends. When this doesn't (can't) happen, parents should be keenly tuned to how the children adjust.
The Secrets of Stepfamily Success, by Gloria Lintermans, discusses the full process of grief in both adults and children. She explains the need to grieve both tangible and intangible losses, gives examples, and lists signs of incomplete grief. I highly recommend reading her book, especially if you are a separated or divorced parent and are considering forming a relationship with a new partner.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
