The Legal Rights Of Step-Parents

This video discusses a sensitive topic. Step parents are "legal strangers". This is a sad reality in times of a medical emergency. There are other circumstances as well in which a child's needs can be compromised due to this legal misfortune. Biological parents can change it, if they choose, through legal documents. In order for that to happen, both biological parents have to agree to set aside any differences with each other or the step parent, in favor of the child's needs.

This is a particularly poignant topic for me as I've personal experience as a step mom without legal rights. I had an unrealistic expectation of being a "normal family" when I first became an acting stepmom. ["Acting StepMom" was a term I created because I was cohabitating with my boyfriend and wasn't legally married.] I wanted to be involved and make a difference. After helping my boyfriend's son with his homework, checking his homework, signing off on assignments, it was always disappointing (to put it mildly) that I was not invited or welcome at parent-teacher conferences. It seemed wrong to me since I was the main person involved with the rest of the educational process - all aspects of homework.

On top of that, when my boyfriend's son was in an accident at school, they were not allowed to give me any information. I was the only person home, which was the first number called. I was left in the dark to worry. After fervently trying to get a hold of my boyfriend at work (as did the school), all I could do was wait. I felt like a glorified babysitter without the glory. Yet, I was expected to put my life on hold to care for him when he was in a body cast and couldn't go to school. I was the one who made sure his homework was picked up from school and dropped off completed. When there was an issue pertaining to his educational needs, I talked to various people at the school, including the principal, to make sure the issue was taken care of. For that, they knew me personally, even though they never knew how to address me. I was the girlfriend of the dad of the student. Usually, they didn't spell out the full title.



Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

Adopted Children Often Feel Like an Outsider

Many people ask me if I work with adopted families. The answer is yes, I do. The reason is because adoption creates many of the same dynamics as stepfamilies. In fact, any family in which the legal guardian(s) are not the biological parent (s) to the child(ren), there is the potential for stressful issues to arise. The natural biological bond between a parent and child grows from day 1 when the baby is in the womb and continuously builds. In all other families, the child is separated from the person with whom they have that strong natural bond. The older this child is when separated, the harder it is for him/her to form a strong bond with another parent.

As a baby grows, he/she learns about the world from his/her parents. All of his/her needs are met through the parents. In short, a baby's world IS his/her parents. That is all he/she knows. The parent learns what each look or sound means, and responds in a particular manner. As the baby grows, he/she comes to expect a particular response every time he/she says or does a specific thing that generated that response in the past. Depending on the age of a child, and his/her exposure to friends' parents, he/she may believe that all parents would respond in the exact same way.

If that child transitions to a new household and guardian/parent, the learning process is lost completely. Neither the parent nor the child know the other person's looks, sayings, or mannerisms. When the child does/says the same thing as before, the new parent/guardian responds in a manner consistent with his/her personality, upbringing, and belief systems. However, that response is contrary to how the biological parent used to respond. This is when misinterpretations and confusion sometimes enters. Depending on how the situation is handled by each person, and their personalities, the child may start to feel like an outsider. If the child is already feeling that way because of the newness of the relationship (or other reasons), this perspective of feeling like an outsider could deepen.

For a more in depth explanation of being an outsider vs insider, please refer to my previous article "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892