Who's a Blended Stepfamily? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts

The term "blended" family is commonly used to refer to a stepfamily. It was coined because two families come together to presumably blend into one family. The reason I use the word presumably is because the two families usually don't blend together. They definitely start as two separate families and end as one family, but they don't blend. "Blending" implies that each of the separate parts, with distinct qualities, are all combined together to form one whole unit. In other words, a stepfamily is like a milkshake. Milk, sugar, ice-cream, fruit, and/or other ingredients that vary by family recipe, are all plopped into a blender. A button is pushed and the ingredients are mixed to form a flavorful concoction. With each bite, you don't specifically taste the sugar, milk, ice-cream, etc. You know that each is included, but you're only tasting the "blended" effect of everything together. You're now consuming one product, a milkshake, instead of multiple ingredients.

Stepfamilies are formed differently. Once the two families merge together, each one maintains it's own identity. In time, the two families learn to complement each other and work together to function as one family - a stepfamily. In fact, the stepfamily even expands across two households when both biological parents have joint custody. In no way do the two mix together to become one new whole.

In my opinion, a stepfamily is like a quilt. It is made up of many different colors and styles of small patches. Yet, when the patches are laid next to each other in certain ways, it is undeniably beautiful. Some sections may be green. Some may be pink. Some sections are solid. Some have patterns. Some of the patterns are flowered, whereas some may be speckled with other prints. Each section maintains its own style. The solids never become patterns. The patterns never become solid. The pinks never turn into green. The greens never change into pink. Each section always looks different. The sections do not “blend” into each other or change, although they may fade as time passes. So is the way of a stepfamily. Each member is unique and special. When viewed individually, it may first seem that they are too different to work together and function as a unit. Yet, just as each section of a quilt is arranged in a particular way in order to create one functional piece - a quilt, each person takes the time to figure out his or her own place within the bigger family, the new stepfamily. Hence, just as small patches of fabric come together to function as one beautiful quilt, two families unite together to form one functional stepfamily.

Of course, quilts are not created overnight, unless you are an expert quilt-maker like my friend Deborah Torrance-Robinson. She can knock out a beautiful quilt from scratch in less than a day. However, people of average-to-low skill level spend a long time learning how to make a quilt, yet alone complete a beautiful functional piece. Picking out the fabric is the easiest part, although that in itself could take hours or months, depending on the person and what they find available. Then there is the matting that goes between the fabric, a special way of cutting, measuring, sewing, and much more. Deciding how each patch of fabric should be placed next to the others takes a special eye. Although any two patches of fabric can be sewn together, not all combinations will seem to fit appropriately. It depends on the colors and styles of each individual patch. With practice, and sometimes guidance, a quilt-maker learns how to arrange the different fabrics in order to make it pleasing to the eye, as well as functional.

In the same manner, each member of a stepfamily needs to take his/her time to figure out how he/she will fit into the new stepfamily. This could mean a physical arrangement of the bedroom, preferred names or nicknames (mom/dad vs 1st name), or order of birthright (the youngest may suddenly have a younger sibling) to name a few. The details of these types of issues vary per family and situation. Yet, in all circumstances, it takes a little time to figure out what is comfortable for each family member. Once each figures out his/her place within the family, and each member accepts the placement of each other family member, the stepfamily unit is complete and functional. Just like a quilt.

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?

Remember the movie, The Outsiders? It's about 2 teen-age rival gangs, The Greasers and The Socials. The story is told from the viewpoint of The Greasers. There are about a dozen Greasers who are all friends with each other. Yet, they are considered to be outsiders of the community, particularly The Socials. Each gang dress and act different than the other. Within each gang, everybody is an insider; but to everybody else they are an outsider.

We can all relate to these categories as we've had similar categorized groups in high school. In my high school, there were the yuppies (preppies), nerds (smart computer geeks), jocks and cheerleaders, skaters, and stoners. Each of these groups were outsiders to all other groups. Yet, within each of the groups, everybody was an insider. Insiders share stories and secrets with each other. Their comfort level is so high that they can just be themselves. Regardless of what they say or how they act, they are accepted. If they do something wrong, the other insiders easily find it in their hearts to forgive and be "buds" again. Although there is some interaction between people of different groups, it is minimal. The interaction usually doesn't progress to a "friendship". Hence, they remain outsiders to each other.

Every once in awhile, a person from one group will befriend somebody in another group. When that happens, the friendship is kept secret for a long time because each person knows the other will probably not be accepted into their circle of friends. These 2 people become insiders to each other, and their respective group, but remain outsiders to the other person's group. Eventually, one or both may be included and possibly accepted as an insider to their respective group. If so, it usually does not go smoothly. It is a rough transition wrought with arguments and stress over a long period of time first. This is an example of human nature and is similar to what happens when a stepfamily forms.

Two adults meet and form a relationship. They interact with each other's children. Everybody gets along fine. There is seemingly no problems. When they think the time is right, they decide to move in together and join families. Suddenly, problems arise out of nowhere. There is an underlying thought in the air of how this could happen when everybody got along fine before moving in together. The answer is simple: They haven't transformed from an outsider to an insider yet.

It takes a long time for the step parent to transcend into being an insider. He/she has not shared in past family traditions, vacations, and memories. There is evidence in every aspect of life from the foods eaten at meal time, family photos around the house or in albums, and the lack of insider knowledge of the significance of family momentos and memoirs. This feeling of the step parent being an outsider is felt by both the step parent and step children. Ironically, the biological parent often doesn't sense it.

Inherent to being an outsider, there is a lack of understanding of why people on the inside do or say certain things. This is simply due to the fact that he/she wasn't around when the things were said or done for the first time. Furthermore, things are done very differently in his/her past family. Hence, the family insiders also don't understand why the step parent says or does certain things. Because they are all human, they have a tendency to not accept that which is different. When things go wrong, blame is often automatically applied to the outsider. The step parent sometimes attributes blame to the step kids, whereas the step kids attribute blame to the step parent. It's not easy for somebody to forgive an outsider. Again, this partly stems from lack of understanding and acceptance; but, it is also due to the nature of each person being an outsider to the other.

Learning to accept that which is different takes a lot of time and effort. Sometimes it also takes a third party (a different outsider) to help bridge the learning curve of gaining acceptance. Once genuine acceptance for each (step) family member is achieved, there is a foundation for the step parent to start becoming an insider.

Please keep this in mind within your stepfamily. If some family members are not getting along with each other, it is probably because they still feel like an outsider to the other. Becoming an insider does not happen over night. Not only does it take a long time, but a lot of effort too. Genuine acceptance of the outsider's behaviors and things he/she says is the first step into becoming an insider. It sets the foundation upon which all other aspects of a healthy functional stepfamily can be built.

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

I Will Not Give Up My Child

All biological parents, especially mothers, implicitly understand the strength of the bond between them and their children. The bond starts in her womb before they can speak, touch, see, smell, or hear. It grows every day that the child grows. After the child is born, he/she learns about the world through his/her parents. Similarly, the parents learn about their children through all of his/her experiences with the world. They learn what the child likes or dislikes, their mannerisms, and what the tone of each cry or sound means. Nobody knows children like their biological parents do. As children get older, dependence on their parents declines, but never diminishes. On the contrary, their experiences - with their parents - grow exponentially, because each new day brings new memories. Each one of those memories serves to strengthen the bond.

Nothing can ever break that bond. Nothing. It is the nature of the biological bond between a mother/child and father/child. Not even divorce or separation, which affects nearly 50% of all biological families, can negate the bond. That is a true statement; yet, few people are able to internalize it. By internalize, I mean understand the nature of this bond to the depths of his/her heart-soul. The reason I know this is because of the type of conflict that transpires between households of stepfamilies. If parents and step parents can take even small steps toward learning the significance of this message, they can begin to build or repair relationships.

Instead, fear sets in. It starts after the divorce/separation when they have to settle for seeing their child less often. They fear that the child will somehow lose interest in spending time with him/her, or worse yet, that the child won't love him/her as much. Granted, as a child matures and starts getting a social life, doing things with mom and dad is definitely less appealing. However, this is not the case in all situations AND, this should not be miscontrued as less love. The child still loves his/her parent as much as always, but might not tell the parent very much. After the other parent starts dating, the fear deepens. Now the fear extends to thinking that the child will start to love the step parent more than him/her. This could not be further from the truth.

Like all fears, this is generated from the subconscious mind. It can be controlled or altered, but only if people are first aware of it. Unfortunately, it manifests itself in many ways that come across as peculiar to everybody else. Maybe the first wife/husband has many odd requests, behaviors, or habits. It probably seems that he/she just simply wants to make things harder for the step parent (or the entire family that does not include him/her). Indeed, this is probably true. The harder it is for you, the easier it is for them (the first / biological parent) to be the "hero/heroine". They look better if you have to fumble - or get so frustrated that you simply lose it.

No, they are not crazy, and neither are you!! They have a lot of fear about losing their child. To them, they feel they have already lost their child in many ways. They lost the intact family they once had. Plus, parents don't "feel" the bond with their child(ren) anymore because everybody's love is being covered up by the more predominant negative emotions. Although the love is still there and unconditional, the children are acting on their emotions which make it seem otherwise. To add insult to injury, another person is acting as parent for his/her child(ren). In short, they feel like they have to give up their child to another and they don't like it. In improved situations, parents feel like they have to "share" their child. This is also not easy, but it doesn't produce the same level of negative effects as the feeling of a "loss".

What I'm asking you to do is to DIG DEEP IN YOUR HEART to try and understand the strength of that natural bond of a mother/child and father/child. Moreover, please begin to understand the fear of losing that bond which often accompanies divorce/separation, as well as the fear/refusal to give up their child to another parent. If you can do that, and believe me I KNOW how hard that is, you have just made the first step toward building/repairing the relationship with the ex-spouse. It's OK if you're not ready for - or can't even fathom - a "relationship" with him/her. For now, simply try to put yourself in his/her heart.

(Note: I use the word other parent instead of "non-custodial" in this situation since many divorcees now have joint custody in which the child spends 50% of his/her time in each household. Also, this blog excludes situations in which 1 biological parent is estranged from their child(ren). I will address this issue separately at a later time).

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps, Solutions for Today's Families.
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892