All biological parents, especially mothers, implicitly understand the strength of the bond between them and their children. The bond starts in her womb before they can speak, touch, see, smell, or hear. It grows every day that the child grows. After the child is born, he/she learns about the world through his/her parents. Similarly, the parents learn about their children through all of his/her experiences with the world. They learn what the child likes or dislikes, their mannerisms, and what the tone of each cry or sound means. Nobody knows children like their biological parents do. As children get older, dependence on their parents declines, but never diminishes. On the contrary, their experiences - with their parents - grow exponentially, because each new day brings new memories. Each one of those memories serves to strengthen the bond.
Nothing can ever break that bond. Nothing. It is the nature of the biological bond between a mother/child and father/child. Not even divorce or separation, which affects nearly 50% of all biological families, can negate the bond. That is a true statement; yet, few people are able to internalize it. By internalize, I mean understand the nature of this bond to the depths of his/her heart-soul. The reason I know this is because of the type of conflict that transpires between households of stepfamilies. If parents and step parents can take even small steps toward learning the significance of this message, they can begin to build or repair relationships.
Instead, fear sets in. It starts after the divorce/separation when they have to settle for seeing their child less often. They fear that the child will somehow lose interest in spending time with him/her, or worse yet, that the child won't love him/her as much. Granted, as a child matures and starts getting a social life, doing things with mom and dad is definitely less appealing. However, this is not the case in all situations AND, this should not be miscontrued as less love. The child still loves his/her parent as much as always, but might not tell the parent very much. After the other parent starts dating, the fear deepens. Now the fear extends to thinking that the child will start to love the step parent more than him/her. This could not be further from the truth.
Like all fears, this is generated from the subconscious mind. It can be controlled or altered, but only if people are first aware of it. Unfortunately, it manifests itself in many ways that come across as peculiar to everybody else. Maybe the first wife/husband has many odd requests, behaviors, or habits. It probably seems that he/she just simply wants to make things harder for the step parent (or the entire family that does not include him/her). Indeed, this is probably true. The harder it is for you, the easier it is for them (the first / biological parent) to be the "hero/heroine". They look better if you have to fumble - or get so frustrated that you simply lose it.
No, they are not crazy, and neither are you!! They have a lot of fear about losing their child. To them, they feel they have already lost their child in many ways. They lost the intact family they once had. Plus, parents don't "feel" the bond with their child(ren) anymore because everybody's love is being covered up by the more predominant negative emotions. Although the love is still there and unconditional, the children are acting on their emotions which make it seem otherwise. To add insult to injury, another person is acting as parent for his/her child(ren). In short, they feel like they have to give up their child to another and they don't like it. In improved situations, parents feel like they have to "share" their child. This is also not easy, but it doesn't produce the same level of negative effects as the feeling of a "loss".
What I'm asking you to do is to DIG DEEP IN YOUR HEART to try and understand the strength of that natural bond of a mother/child and father/child. Moreover, please begin to understand the fear of losing that bond which often accompanies divorce/separation, as well as the fear/refusal to give up their child to another parent. If you can do that, and believe me I KNOW how hard that is, you have just made the first step toward building/repairing the relationship with the ex-spouse. It's OK if you're not ready for - or can't even fathom - a "relationship" with him/her. For now, simply try to put yourself in his/her heart.
(Note: I use the word other parent instead of "non-custodial" in this situation since many divorcees now have joint custody in which the child spends 50% of his/her time in each household. Also, this blog excludes situations in which 1 biological parent is estranged from their child(ren). I will address this issue separately at a later time).
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps, Solutions for Today's Families.
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
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