We all know we're supposed to give thanks today for everything we have, including our families. Obviously, this tradition is no different in stepfamilies. This is sometimes harder than what it seems, especially in stepfamilies. Every member of the stepfamily has gone through a great deal of transition which is more evident on holidays than any other day.
This is a day when everybody spends time with "family". "Family" is the key word. This is the one aspect of the holiday that has changed the most. Many people spend time thinking of how Thanksgiving "used to be". They think of old traditions that have gone by the wayside, traveling to see relatives, and the various memories on Thanksgiving Days that will never be forgotten - so and so's first turkey when she forgot to remove the giblets from the cavity (you know who you are - lol), falling in mud while walking outside and getting our beautiful dresses dirty, etc. These memories last a lifetime and will forever make us smile after the fact.
Many of us take these memories forgranted. It is one thing that is noticeably vacant in stepfamilies because they are borne out of separation - a breaking of tradition. The "family" is not intact anymore. The places and faces are different. The memories of past Thanksgiving Days are still there, but now they often bring sadness. Children, stepparents, and biological parents alike ALL mourn the loss of the old family. The loss often accompanies a breaking of traditions.
Sometimes it is difficult in thes situation to again enjoy the holiday. Therefore, I am going to offer a fresh perspective. First, remeber the old times with a smile. They are always just a thought away can remain as a treasure in our hearts. Secondly, concentrate on what is happening now. I suggest to not have specific expectations of how the day will go. Make the decision to enjoy the day regardless of what happens. Then, go with the flow! This is how new memories are created. New and different memories are vital in stepfamilies. Thirdly, I suggest to start a new tradition that seems to be completely different from past traditions. This is a new family and a new era; it is a time of new traditions.
Of course, if the majority of family members feel very attached to old traditions and do not want to omit it, by all means follow that tradition. ALSO, start a new tradition. Old traditions are ways of honoring the old family and family members in other households. New traditions are ways of creating new memories that will bind the stepfamily together in ways the old traditions have bound the original family together. The key to remember on all holidays, but especially on Thanksgiving when the family is the focal point, is to create memories. Memories and/or traditions is something that all groups of close-knit friends, as well as close-knit families, have.
As somebody who has been a stepmother, I have additional suggestions for stepmothers. First, don't try to be Supermom who does everything and is determined to make Thanksgiving Day perfect. You'll only spin your wheels for nothing because perfection doesn't exist. Take a breather and try to stay calm. Let the day evolve naturally. That's when the best memories are created. You'll be able to look back at the day and be thankful (pun intended) that you did. :-) Maintain a sense of humor. If something happens or something is said that bothers you, ignore it and don't take it personally. Visibly smile so everybody can see. For example, if one of your stepchildren comments about the food. Remember that he/she is only missing his/her mom's cooking - and the way it used to be. We all have a special affinity for how our moms cook. :-) In this circumstance, I suggest a comment such as, "I know your mom is an excellent cook. She'll be very happy to know that you miss her cooking." This not only acknowledges that you understand him/her, but it also puts his/her mom in a positive light, which will be highly regarded by everybody at the table.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
P.S. Since this is a day of thanks, I will add the things that I am most thankful for. First of all, I am very thankful that my Internet is connected long enough for me to post this. Secondly (or maybe this should be first), I am thankful that I was able to borrow my brother-in-law's computer since the Internet on my computer is interrupted every 7 seconds. Thirdly, I am thankful for my car that still takes me everywhere I need to go. It takes a licking and keeps on ticking. :-) Fourth, I'm thankful for the new friends that I met recently. It always feels good to know when you have impacted somebody in a positive way - and have similarly been impacted. Last, but not least, I'm thankful for my life. My life journey has been interesting to say the least. It's evident that it will remain interesting for a long time to come. :-)
PPS. Yes, I am very thankful for my family, but I didn't want to sound cliche. Plus, the 5 things I mentioned above are things we sometimes take forgranted, especially the Internet in this day and age. We all have so much more to be thankful for than what we often think about.
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
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