One day while I was driving around running errands, I was listening to the radio. The special guest of the day was a psychologist discussing “the challenge of being a step mother/father". It didn't take long before I became really upset about a few opinions she offered that can not realistically work in a stepfamily.
Before I proceed, I want to stress that I respect the field of Psychology and all of the knowledge derived through research in the Social Sciences. [I also have degrees in Psychology and Sociology.] This expert merely dispensed what she learned, which has been confirmed as good advice by the success in biological families. Research within the Social Sciences has not caught up with family issues of this millennium. Just as it took a few decades for the effects of divorce to be understood, a true understanding of stepfamilies is just now rearing its head.
A distraught girl called in to comment on her situation. She strongly dislikes her stepfather disciplining her and believes he does not like her. The expert asked if the stepparent ever told her how much he loved her, to which she replied no. The expert then discussed how "wrong" it is for stepparents to not tell their stepchildren they love the kids. She stated that the stepfather in this situation would probably get better results from the girl if he told her he loved her. This could not be farther from the truth. Interestingly, she didn't ask the girl if it would make a difference. I also thought it was interesting that this expert did not ask the girl if she loved the stepparent.
This line of thought is a common reason for turmoil in stepfamilies. It is unrealistic to expect a stepparent and stepchildren to automatically love each other once the parents marry (or cohabitate). For many people, the expectation is only one-sided; they expect the stepparent to automatically love the stepchildren, but think it’s OK for the stepchildren to not love the stepparent. All family members are equal in their humanity. As such, the expectation for each should be equal. It takes a long time for most people to fall in love. Additionally, many potential stepparents don't meet the children until several months (sometimes years) after dating the biological parent. Usually, there is a gradual integration of the step into the family. Sometimes, the integration happens over a short period of time. Moreover, the connection between a stepparent and stepchild is not and cannot be on the same level as the connection between the two adults. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable for a stepparent and stepchild to not “love” each other. Of course, common courtesy and respect are always manditory. I'll get back to this in a minute.
Now think about our closest friends. Did they become close friends over night? Although a few of you are saying yes, this is a very small percentage. For most people, this takes a long time. So how can we expect even a strong friendship, yet alone instant love, between a stepparent and a stepchild? In fact, expecting instant love (or even a strong friendship) causes undo stress and guilt to the stepfamily members. They feel pressured to feel love when they don't, and often feel guilty. This guilt manifests itself through arguing, which leads to other stressful situations.
This doesn't mean that the step can't/won't "care" for the stepchildren - only that there shouldn't be any "expectations" of love. A must for stepfamilies, however, is to always show common courtesy and respect to every other family member and their opinions. Similarly, the stepparent's actions and behaviors should ALWAYS reflect the best interest of the child's welfare. This is important enough to restate again clearly: A stepparent’s actions and behaviors should always emit a concern for the safety and wellbeing of the child. As long as each family member is treated with respect and is accepted for being him/herself, it doesn’t matter if they “love” each other.
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