Ideally, rules should be discussed and agreed upon by both the biological parent and stepparent. If an agreement cannot be made on a rule, the stepparent should submit to the rule of the biological parent. The rules should be the same for all children (with exceptions for age-related rules). Additionally, the consequences for breaking each rule should be decided at the same time. Thus, when the biological parent is not home, the stepparent has full authority to punish, per the written agreement of the step and biological parent. Under these circumstances, the child perceives the punishment as given by his/her own parent instead of a non-parent.
If there is an occasion in which a child is punished for doing something not listed among the rules, the stepparent should have full authority to settle the matter him/herself. The biological parent needs to make it clear ahead of time that the stepparent has authority and should be obeyed. In the same manner, the biological parent should have an open-door policy about any concerns/issues the child has. The biological parent should support the stepparent in his/her decision whether or not he/she agreed with the decision. If it is felt that the step did not handle the matter in an acceptable fashion, a (healthy) discussion should ensue concerning the preferred method of handling the matter. If there is a chance of the matter repeating, a rule should be set up along with the consequences for breaking that rule.
I want to be clear on the biggest points regarding discipline.
1. The stepparent should have authority when the biological parent is not home. The biological parent should make this point clear to the children.
2. Rules should be decided upon together between the step and biological parent, as well as the consequences for breaking each rule. They should be written and easily accessible by every member of the household.
3. If or when the step parent and biological parent don’t agree upon a rule, it is best for the step parent to acquiesce and agree to the biological parent’s rule. This is especially important in the beginning stages of living together. As time passes and the step parent gains respect of the children, the authority can and should equalize.
4. The stepparent can and should freely enforce the rules, per consequences previously established, without concern for being admonished later. He/she should feel comfortable making decisions on issues not listed in the rules.
5. The children want to feel that their own parent is providing the rules. Otherwise, resentment toward the step may likely follow.
No comments:
Post a Comment