I hope everybody had an exceptional Thanksgiving Day, stayed safe, had enough to eat, and found plenty of things to be grateful for. Blessings to you! This blog entry is not targeted to you.
This blog is targeted to the folks who had trouble finding things to be thankful for or otherwise had a miserable Thanksgiving. We all want to be happy, particularly on holidays. We like to think of Thanksgiving Day as an opportunity to spend quality time with loved ones – close friends or family. We like to laugh, share stories and food, and maybe play games together. In fact, this is what I did yesterday. However, not all of my Thanksgiving Days have been good. As much as I’d like to believe it was isolated to only my family for 1 year, I know that isn’t the case. It is an unfortunate reality that many people spend the holidays alone, depressed, knee-deep in arguments, fielding inquiries from police, or some other unfortunate circumstance.
The following is a true story of my Thanksgiving Day several years ago. It is one illustration of one holiday in a highly dysfunctional stepfamily. I decided to share this personal story so that other people who have had a depressing holiday may be able to feel better about their day. Sometimes, hearing of others’ misfortune makes us feel better about ours; it reminds us that somebody somewhere is in a worse position. This story is for you.
It was the first Thanksgiving I was going to spend with my boyfriend’s family. His entire family was going to be there: his dad, stepmom, kids, granddaughter, brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces. I was very nervous to say the least. I figured it was going to be awkward and was feeling leery. On the other hand, I was looking forward to finally getting a taste of deep-fried turkey. It was our job to bring the kosher foods tray. I spent a considerable time finding the tiered serving tray and arranging the variety of pickles and olives in a way to make it presentable for a high-class affair. I had no idea I was going to be the only one eating it as I spent the day alone.
His children, who were living with their mother, would meet us at his sister’s house, about 11:30 AM or so. Plans changed early in the day when his daughter called. She had a major argument with her mom, which got a little physical. I don’t recall specific details, but know she was in a very bad mood and hid the car keys. Her mom called the police. I believe the intention was to have her removed from the premises. My boyfriend went over to try and resolve matters. He took my cell phone, since he didn’t have one, to call his sister and tell her we’d all be late. He was supposed to call me with updates. He also took my car because his daughter and not-quite-ex (they weren’t legally divorced) was borrowing his. They didn’t have a car, so he and I shared mine. The new plan was to resolve the issue and come back to pick me up so we could all go to his sister’s together.
He did not take me with him for 2 main reasons. One: he didn’t like to involve me in their personal struggles; Two: I was not allowed inside their house, so I would’ve had to wait out in the cold in the car or driveway. I didn’t mind staying at home, though, because I wanted to spend a little longer making the food tray look presentable.
A long time passed before I got a call. He shared very little, but it was clear we wouldn’t make it to his sister’s before they started eating. I was still expecting to go whenever his daughter would give up the car keys or they finally found them. Hours passed without a word. I called my cell phone a few times, but nobody answered. I no longer had any clue of what was going on.
At first, I tried to hold out on eating, but was too hungry to restrain. Then I remembered that we hadn’t had time to go grocery shopping yet due to the crazy schedule that week. The only part of the tray I liked was the pickles. I thought about finding a restaurant that was open on Thanksgiving, but remembered I had no transportation. I thought of calling his family to come get me, but their phone numbers were stored in my cell phone. So let’s recap. I was home alone. I had no food other than pickles and olives, and I didn’t like olives. I had no transportation to drive anywhere. I couldn’t reach my ex and didn’t have his family’s phone numbers. I wouldn’t know what to tell them anyway, because he didn’t want to share this stuff with them either.
I wasn’t really looking forward to spending an awkward day amongst his family. Yet, I would’ve given anything to do that over being alone. This was my third Thanksgiving in this cold state, far from my immediate family, and the previous 2 were no picnic either. I missed my family tremendously. I would’ve given anything to be back home that day. Instead, I cried while thinking of home. I called my mom, sisters, and friends to vent and cry on a virtual shoulder. My Thanksgiving dinner turned out to be a bologna sandwich and a few pickles. It didn’t fill me up, but I didn’t have much of an appetite.
My ex finally came home after dark. Apparently his daughter had got physical with him too, which resulted in his face getting scratched. She said many hurtful things to him and everybody else. She never turned over the car keys. They never found them. He finally got tired of lecturing her or whatever he was doing for so many hours. He made it clear to her that she ruined many people’s Thanksgiving Day that year. I found out later that his sister had called my cell phone several times. She was going to offer to come pick me up, but she thought I was with him at their house dealing with all the issues.
This type of episode was not that unusual, but happening on a holiday was the worst timing. In a society which prefers touching inspirational stories that make people smile, this story is made of stuff we don’t like to talk about or acknowledge. As sad as this story is, I’m sure somebody else can top it with a worse story. To everybody who feels their Thanksgiving was better, I sincerely hope you can realize all the wonderful things in your life to be gracious for. If you still can’t find something, write me so I can help you find it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Showing posts with label Thanksgiving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thanksgiving. Show all posts
Friday, November 26, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Even Frenemies Deserve a Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you and your family have a safe enjoyable holiday.
Whether you are traveling or staying home, Thanksgiving can be stressful. If you are traveling, you may have to deal with crowds in traffic, the airport, or the bus station. If you have to stop at the store, you’re dealing with other people who are in a rush and often not paying attention to anything or anybody except the focus of what they need at that moment. If you are staying at home, you are likely cooking, possibly for many people. Maybe you’ll be host. Or maybe you are a lucky one who only has to show up and enjoy the day – or wade through other people’s stress. If you are the latter person, I’m happy for you. Congratulations! Enjoy. To everybody else, please try to be patient with everybody else. Assume they are dealing with some sort of stress and give them the benefit of the doubt in all situations, even if only to keep Thanksgiving Day a day to be grateful for even small things.
Many personalities converge in the same place at the same time. Drinking is a part of many households. Football or other sports on tv is fodder for team rivalry. The temperature in some houses is high due to the heat from the cooking or the crowded space. Finally, there could be a new addition – a step member – in a family, possibly one who is not accepted as part of the family. Oddly, it seems nobody knows how to push buttons like family members. All of these factors add to the stress of individuals. Even close-knit families have their share of arguments. Multiply that stress factor by ten to have an idea of the stress level in a dysfunctional stepfamily. Highly dysfunctional stepfamilies can increase the factor another tenfold.
It is common to have frenemies within a family. If you are not familiar with the word, see my previous post in Oct about frenemies. They are even more common in stepfamilies, although individuals don’t like to admit it. It’s ok to continue keeping it a secret. Some step parents think of their step children as frenemies. Likewise, some step children think of their step parent in the same manner. Ex-spouses, in-laws, the non-custodial parent, some bio parents, and even some (step) grandparents can all be frenemies to somebody somewhere.
Regardless of your position within the family or stepfamily, whether you are a newbie or maybe meeting a newbie, a frenemy or not, you deserve to be treated with dignity. Likewise, everybody else, step or bio, newbie or long-timer, related or not, deserves to be treated with dignity. You don’t know the extent of stress each person is under. Nor do you know their threshold and what would tip them over the edge. Please keep this in mind. If you know somebody’s buttons, please make an effort to not push them. If somebody else pushes your button, try to ignore it. Muster up a smile if you can. Maybe you should decide to just go along for the ride, so to speak, and let things roll off your back. Decide to enjoy yourself no matter what.
Keep in mind that it could be worse. There is always somebody who is less fortunate, who has less or nothing, and who wants something you have but can’t have it. Many people don’t have any family or don’t have a place they consider home. So, even if you feel uncomfortable or stressed, there is always something to be thankful for. This includes your family or your frenemy.
Please be safe. Try to relax and enjoy thanksgiving. Most importantly, be grateful for everything you have.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Whether you are traveling or staying home, Thanksgiving can be stressful. If you are traveling, you may have to deal with crowds in traffic, the airport, or the bus station. If you have to stop at the store, you’re dealing with other people who are in a rush and often not paying attention to anything or anybody except the focus of what they need at that moment. If you are staying at home, you are likely cooking, possibly for many people. Maybe you’ll be host. Or maybe you are a lucky one who only has to show up and enjoy the day – or wade through other people’s stress. If you are the latter person, I’m happy for you. Congratulations! Enjoy. To everybody else, please try to be patient with everybody else. Assume they are dealing with some sort of stress and give them the benefit of the doubt in all situations, even if only to keep Thanksgiving Day a day to be grateful for even small things.
Many personalities converge in the same place at the same time. Drinking is a part of many households. Football or other sports on tv is fodder for team rivalry. The temperature in some houses is high due to the heat from the cooking or the crowded space. Finally, there could be a new addition – a step member – in a family, possibly one who is not accepted as part of the family. Oddly, it seems nobody knows how to push buttons like family members. All of these factors add to the stress of individuals. Even close-knit families have their share of arguments. Multiply that stress factor by ten to have an idea of the stress level in a dysfunctional stepfamily. Highly dysfunctional stepfamilies can increase the factor another tenfold.
It is common to have frenemies within a family. If you are not familiar with the word, see my previous post in Oct about frenemies. They are even more common in stepfamilies, although individuals don’t like to admit it. It’s ok to continue keeping it a secret. Some step parents think of their step children as frenemies. Likewise, some step children think of their step parent in the same manner. Ex-spouses, in-laws, the non-custodial parent, some bio parents, and even some (step) grandparents can all be frenemies to somebody somewhere.
Regardless of your position within the family or stepfamily, whether you are a newbie or maybe meeting a newbie, a frenemy or not, you deserve to be treated with dignity. Likewise, everybody else, step or bio, newbie or long-timer, related or not, deserves to be treated with dignity. You don’t know the extent of stress each person is under. Nor do you know their threshold and what would tip them over the edge. Please keep this in mind. If you know somebody’s buttons, please make an effort to not push them. If somebody else pushes your button, try to ignore it. Muster up a smile if you can. Maybe you should decide to just go along for the ride, so to speak, and let things roll off your back. Decide to enjoy yourself no matter what.
Keep in mind that it could be worse. There is always somebody who is less fortunate, who has less or nothing, and who wants something you have but can’t have it. Many people don’t have any family or don’t have a place they consider home. So, even if you feel uncomfortable or stressed, there is always something to be thankful for. This includes your family or your frenemy.
Please be safe. Try to relax and enjoy thanksgiving. Most importantly, be grateful for everything you have.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving
We all know we're supposed to give thanks today for everything we have, including our families. Obviously, this tradition is no different in stepfamilies. This is sometimes harder than what it seems, especially in stepfamilies. Every member of the stepfamily has gone through a great deal of transition which is more evident on holidays than any other day.
This is a day when everybody spends time with "family". "Family" is the key word. This is the one aspect of the holiday that has changed the most. Many people spend time thinking of how Thanksgiving "used to be". They think of old traditions that have gone by the wayside, traveling to see relatives, and the various memories on Thanksgiving Days that will never be forgotten - so and so's first turkey when she forgot to remove the giblets from the cavity (you know who you are - lol), falling in mud while walking outside and getting our beautiful dresses dirty, etc. These memories last a lifetime and will forever make us smile after the fact.
Many of us take these memories forgranted. It is one thing that is noticeably vacant in stepfamilies because they are borne out of separation - a breaking of tradition. The "family" is not intact anymore. The places and faces are different. The memories of past Thanksgiving Days are still there, but now they often bring sadness. Children, stepparents, and biological parents alike ALL mourn the loss of the old family. The loss often accompanies a breaking of traditions.
Sometimes it is difficult in thes situation to again enjoy the holiday. Therefore, I am going to offer a fresh perspective. First, remeber the old times with a smile. They are always just a thought away can remain as a treasure in our hearts. Secondly, concentrate on what is happening now. I suggest to not have specific expectations of how the day will go. Make the decision to enjoy the day regardless of what happens. Then, go with the flow! This is how new memories are created. New and different memories are vital in stepfamilies. Thirdly, I suggest to start a new tradition that seems to be completely different from past traditions. This is a new family and a new era; it is a time of new traditions.
Of course, if the majority of family members feel very attached to old traditions and do not want to omit it, by all means follow that tradition. ALSO, start a new tradition. Old traditions are ways of honoring the old family and family members in other households. New traditions are ways of creating new memories that will bind the stepfamily together in ways the old traditions have bound the original family together. The key to remember on all holidays, but especially on Thanksgiving when the family is the focal point, is to create memories. Memories and/or traditions is something that all groups of close-knit friends, as well as close-knit families, have.
As somebody who has been a stepmother, I have additional suggestions for stepmothers. First, don't try to be Supermom who does everything and is determined to make Thanksgiving Day perfect. You'll only spin your wheels for nothing because perfection doesn't exist. Take a breather and try to stay calm. Let the day evolve naturally. That's when the best memories are created. You'll be able to look back at the day and be thankful (pun intended) that you did. :-) Maintain a sense of humor. If something happens or something is said that bothers you, ignore it and don't take it personally. Visibly smile so everybody can see. For example, if one of your stepchildren comments about the food. Remember that he/she is only missing his/her mom's cooking - and the way it used to be. We all have a special affinity for how our moms cook. :-) In this circumstance, I suggest a comment such as, "I know your mom is an excellent cook. She'll be very happy to know that you miss her cooking." This not only acknowledges that you understand him/her, but it also puts his/her mom in a positive light, which will be highly regarded by everybody at the table.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
P.S. Since this is a day of thanks, I will add the things that I am most thankful for. First of all, I am very thankful that my Internet is connected long enough for me to post this. Secondly (or maybe this should be first), I am thankful that I was able to borrow my brother-in-law's computer since the Internet on my computer is interrupted every 7 seconds. Thirdly, I am thankful for my car that still takes me everywhere I need to go. It takes a licking and keeps on ticking. :-) Fourth, I'm thankful for the new friends that I met recently. It always feels good to know when you have impacted somebody in a positive way - and have similarly been impacted. Last, but not least, I'm thankful for my life. My life journey has been interesting to say the least. It's evident that it will remain interesting for a long time to come. :-)
PPS. Yes, I am very thankful for my family, but I didn't want to sound cliche. Plus, the 5 things I mentioned above are things we sometimes take forgranted, especially the Internet in this day and age. We all have so much more to be thankful for than what we often think about.
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
This is a day when everybody spends time with "family". "Family" is the key word. This is the one aspect of the holiday that has changed the most. Many people spend time thinking of how Thanksgiving "used to be". They think of old traditions that have gone by the wayside, traveling to see relatives, and the various memories on Thanksgiving Days that will never be forgotten - so and so's first turkey when she forgot to remove the giblets from the cavity (you know who you are - lol), falling in mud while walking outside and getting our beautiful dresses dirty, etc. These memories last a lifetime and will forever make us smile after the fact.
Many of us take these memories forgranted. It is one thing that is noticeably vacant in stepfamilies because they are borne out of separation - a breaking of tradition. The "family" is not intact anymore. The places and faces are different. The memories of past Thanksgiving Days are still there, but now they often bring sadness. Children, stepparents, and biological parents alike ALL mourn the loss of the old family. The loss often accompanies a breaking of traditions.
Sometimes it is difficult in thes situation to again enjoy the holiday. Therefore, I am going to offer a fresh perspective. First, remeber the old times with a smile. They are always just a thought away can remain as a treasure in our hearts. Secondly, concentrate on what is happening now. I suggest to not have specific expectations of how the day will go. Make the decision to enjoy the day regardless of what happens. Then, go with the flow! This is how new memories are created. New and different memories are vital in stepfamilies. Thirdly, I suggest to start a new tradition that seems to be completely different from past traditions. This is a new family and a new era; it is a time of new traditions.
Of course, if the majority of family members feel very attached to old traditions and do not want to omit it, by all means follow that tradition. ALSO, start a new tradition. Old traditions are ways of honoring the old family and family members in other households. New traditions are ways of creating new memories that will bind the stepfamily together in ways the old traditions have bound the original family together. The key to remember on all holidays, but especially on Thanksgiving when the family is the focal point, is to create memories. Memories and/or traditions is something that all groups of close-knit friends, as well as close-knit families, have.
As somebody who has been a stepmother, I have additional suggestions for stepmothers. First, don't try to be Supermom who does everything and is determined to make Thanksgiving Day perfect. You'll only spin your wheels for nothing because perfection doesn't exist. Take a breather and try to stay calm. Let the day evolve naturally. That's when the best memories are created. You'll be able to look back at the day and be thankful (pun intended) that you did. :-) Maintain a sense of humor. If something happens or something is said that bothers you, ignore it and don't take it personally. Visibly smile so everybody can see. For example, if one of your stepchildren comments about the food. Remember that he/she is only missing his/her mom's cooking - and the way it used to be. We all have a special affinity for how our moms cook. :-) In this circumstance, I suggest a comment such as, "I know your mom is an excellent cook. She'll be very happy to know that you miss her cooking." This not only acknowledges that you understand him/her, but it also puts his/her mom in a positive light, which will be highly regarded by everybody at the table.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
P.S. Since this is a day of thanks, I will add the things that I am most thankful for. First of all, I am very thankful that my Internet is connected long enough for me to post this. Secondly (or maybe this should be first), I am thankful that I was able to borrow my brother-in-law's computer since the Internet on my computer is interrupted every 7 seconds. Thirdly, I am thankful for my car that still takes me everywhere I need to go. It takes a licking and keeps on ticking. :-) Fourth, I'm thankful for the new friends that I met recently. It always feels good to know when you have impacted somebody in a positive way - and have similarly been impacted. Last, but not least, I'm thankful for my life. My life journey has been interesting to say the least. It's evident that it will remain interesting for a long time to come. :-)
PPS. Yes, I am very thankful for my family, but I didn't want to sound cliche. Plus, the 5 things I mentioned above are things we sometimes take forgranted, especially the Internet in this day and age. We all have so much more to be thankful for than what we often think about.
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
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