A dysfunctional stepfamily results when a dysfunctional first family transitions into a stepfamily, by either cohabitation or marriage. Additionally, two healthy first families can produce a dysfunctional stepfamily, by cohabitation or marriage, if they have unrealistic expectations or don’t know how to make a cohesive stepfamily from two different families.
Stepfamily dynamics begin the minute a single parent becomes seriously involved with a partner and the new partner starts interacting with the kids. A stepfamily is formed when the single family and new partner move in together (cohabitate) or get married. A single family refers to either a never-married parent or a couple who is divorced, widowed, or separated but not legally divorced. Of course, this includes any adult, regardless or marital status and without children, who become seriously involved with a single parent.
The next logical question is to define a dysfunctional family. The definition has evolved over the decades with societal trends, and varies by researcher or statistic-gathering team. I define a dysfunctional family as a family unit who is emotionally or physically unhealthy. This includes sexual abuse, although I don’t discuss the subject here. Happiness, or rather unhappiness, is entirely different. Happiness refers to an emotion, whereas unhealthiness refers to a state of being or a state of mind. It is a long-term situational condition; whereas happiness is temporary. One’s happiness can change in minutes, hours, or days. An unhealthy living environment is ongoing. A person can be happy in an unhealthy environment or unhappy in a healthy environment.
A happy person in an unhealthy (dysfunctional) family may mean he/she is unaware of how unhealthy it is. In most cases, this would be a young child who may not be a target of unhealthy attitudes, not exposed to them, or simply doesn’t get what is going on around them. There are also many cases of adults who don’t know if their living arrangement is unhealthy enough to warrant leaving. They don’t want to be deemed a failure for giving up – quitting. Some people don’t recognize the warning signs because they can’t see the forest through the trees. Others don’t recognize red flags because they were raised in a similar dysfunctional environment. Adult children of divorce are more vulnerable to dysfunctional relationships because their parents were unable to model a healthy relationship. These are only a few possible explanations for becoming or joining a dysfunctional family. Researchers have come up with many more.
Divorce does not automatically beget dysfunction. Many single parents do a phenomenal job raising their children in a very healthy atmosphere. My mom is one example. I was shocked when a friend of mine had labeled my family as dysfunctional because I never felt that way. Likewise, he was shocked that I was in a dysfunctional family because of how well-adjusted I was. Respect and hospitality for everybody, and other healthy qualities, were commonplace in our house. Mom raised us without shame and never spoke badly about my dad, in spite of being an alcoholic and having an affair. My self-esteem had remained intact in large part due to my mom’s perspective and demeanor. Hence, my definition of dysfunction is unrelated to marital status or family structure.
How does somebody figure out if they are in a dysfunctional relationship? Moreover, how does one decide when it would be better to leave than stay? Disagreements, miscommunication, and unhappy times exist in healthy relationships. Couples in them try to ignore occasional unresolved issues. Nobody can be happy all the time. Everybody has bad days. All children test their parents and try to get away with something wrong. They don’t always listen and obey. Many parents argue about how and when to punish their children. Therefore, the mere existence of these ordeals does not define dysfunction.
Dysfunction is characterized by an excessive amount of arguments, unresolved issues, and unhappy times. Depression, addiction, and other behavior or personality disorders are often found in members of a dysfunctional family. Gottman and Markman derived the Four Horsemen to narrow down reasons relationships fail: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are grounds by which to re-evaluate your method of resolving conflict.
Ask yourself the following questions to help you determine if you are in a dysfunctional (step)family. Then rate your answers with the frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, most of the time, or always.
1. Do you care if arguments are resolved?
2. Do you enjoy spending time with your partner?
3. Does your partner make you smile by doing any of the following: complimenting you, doing something nice for you, say thank you/show appreciation, or remember special occasions?
4. Do you feel comfortable discussing personal concerns with your partner?
5. Do you feel that you and your partner are a team working together?
If you answered ‘most of the time’ or ‘always’ to 3 or more questions, congratulations! You are in a healthy relationship. If you answered ‘sometimes’ or ‘rarely’ to 3 or more questions, you are susceptible to unhealthy communication patterns. I suggest taking measures to improve communication or boost the romance with your partner, such as taking classes through your church or finding a common interest in a couples social group. Reading books or doing research on the internet would also benefit. If you answered ‘never’ to 2 or more questions but did not answer ‘most of the time’ or ‘always’ to any question, I strongly suggest you should take the time to do some soul-searching and get a professional opinion. These questions are only a guideline to set you in the right direction. Only you know if your situation is the best environment for you. Many professionals offer free evaluations or feedback.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Showing posts with label dysfunctional stepfamily. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dysfunctional stepfamily. Show all posts
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
One Thanksgiving in a Dysfunctional Stepfamily – A True Story
I hope everybody had an exceptional Thanksgiving Day, stayed safe, had enough to eat, and found plenty of things to be grateful for. Blessings to you! This blog entry is not targeted to you.
This blog is targeted to the folks who had trouble finding things to be thankful for or otherwise had a miserable Thanksgiving. We all want to be happy, particularly on holidays. We like to think of Thanksgiving Day as an opportunity to spend quality time with loved ones – close friends or family. We like to laugh, share stories and food, and maybe play games together. In fact, this is what I did yesterday. However, not all of my Thanksgiving Days have been good. As much as I’d like to believe it was isolated to only my family for 1 year, I know that isn’t the case. It is an unfortunate reality that many people spend the holidays alone, depressed, knee-deep in arguments, fielding inquiries from police, or some other unfortunate circumstance.
The following is a true story of my Thanksgiving Day several years ago. It is one illustration of one holiday in a highly dysfunctional stepfamily. I decided to share this personal story so that other people who have had a depressing holiday may be able to feel better about their day. Sometimes, hearing of others’ misfortune makes us feel better about ours; it reminds us that somebody somewhere is in a worse position. This story is for you.
It was the first Thanksgiving I was going to spend with my boyfriend’s family. His entire family was going to be there: his dad, stepmom, kids, granddaughter, brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces. I was very nervous to say the least. I figured it was going to be awkward and was feeling leery. On the other hand, I was looking forward to finally getting a taste of deep-fried turkey. It was our job to bring the kosher foods tray. I spent a considerable time finding the tiered serving tray and arranging the variety of pickles and olives in a way to make it presentable for a high-class affair. I had no idea I was going to be the only one eating it as I spent the day alone.
His children, who were living with their mother, would meet us at his sister’s house, about 11:30 AM or so. Plans changed early in the day when his daughter called. She had a major argument with her mom, which got a little physical. I don’t recall specific details, but know she was in a very bad mood and hid the car keys. Her mom called the police. I believe the intention was to have her removed from the premises. My boyfriend went over to try and resolve matters. He took my cell phone, since he didn’t have one, to call his sister and tell her we’d all be late. He was supposed to call me with updates. He also took my car because his daughter and not-quite-ex (they weren’t legally divorced) was borrowing his. They didn’t have a car, so he and I shared mine. The new plan was to resolve the issue and come back to pick me up so we could all go to his sister’s together.
He did not take me with him for 2 main reasons. One: he didn’t like to involve me in their personal struggles; Two: I was not allowed inside their house, so I would’ve had to wait out in the cold in the car or driveway. I didn’t mind staying at home, though, because I wanted to spend a little longer making the food tray look presentable.
A long time passed before I got a call. He shared very little, but it was clear we wouldn’t make it to his sister’s before they started eating. I was still expecting to go whenever his daughter would give up the car keys or they finally found them. Hours passed without a word. I called my cell phone a few times, but nobody answered. I no longer had any clue of what was going on.
At first, I tried to hold out on eating, but was too hungry to restrain. Then I remembered that we hadn’t had time to go grocery shopping yet due to the crazy schedule that week. The only part of the tray I liked was the pickles. I thought about finding a restaurant that was open on Thanksgiving, but remembered I had no transportation. I thought of calling his family to come get me, but their phone numbers were stored in my cell phone. So let’s recap. I was home alone. I had no food other than pickles and olives, and I didn’t like olives. I had no transportation to drive anywhere. I couldn’t reach my ex and didn’t have his family’s phone numbers. I wouldn’t know what to tell them anyway, because he didn’t want to share this stuff with them either.
I wasn’t really looking forward to spending an awkward day amongst his family. Yet, I would’ve given anything to do that over being alone. This was my third Thanksgiving in this cold state, far from my immediate family, and the previous 2 were no picnic either. I missed my family tremendously. I would’ve given anything to be back home that day. Instead, I cried while thinking of home. I called my mom, sisters, and friends to vent and cry on a virtual shoulder. My Thanksgiving dinner turned out to be a bologna sandwich and a few pickles. It didn’t fill me up, but I didn’t have much of an appetite.
My ex finally came home after dark. Apparently his daughter had got physical with him too, which resulted in his face getting scratched. She said many hurtful things to him and everybody else. She never turned over the car keys. They never found them. He finally got tired of lecturing her or whatever he was doing for so many hours. He made it clear to her that she ruined many people’s Thanksgiving Day that year. I found out later that his sister had called my cell phone several times. She was going to offer to come pick me up, but she thought I was with him at their house dealing with all the issues.
This type of episode was not that unusual, but happening on a holiday was the worst timing. In a society which prefers touching inspirational stories that make people smile, this story is made of stuff we don’t like to talk about or acknowledge. As sad as this story is, I’m sure somebody else can top it with a worse story. To everybody who feels their Thanksgiving was better, I sincerely hope you can realize all the wonderful things in your life to be gracious for. If you still can’t find something, write me so I can help you find it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
This blog is targeted to the folks who had trouble finding things to be thankful for or otherwise had a miserable Thanksgiving. We all want to be happy, particularly on holidays. We like to think of Thanksgiving Day as an opportunity to spend quality time with loved ones – close friends or family. We like to laugh, share stories and food, and maybe play games together. In fact, this is what I did yesterday. However, not all of my Thanksgiving Days have been good. As much as I’d like to believe it was isolated to only my family for 1 year, I know that isn’t the case. It is an unfortunate reality that many people spend the holidays alone, depressed, knee-deep in arguments, fielding inquiries from police, or some other unfortunate circumstance.
The following is a true story of my Thanksgiving Day several years ago. It is one illustration of one holiday in a highly dysfunctional stepfamily. I decided to share this personal story so that other people who have had a depressing holiday may be able to feel better about their day. Sometimes, hearing of others’ misfortune makes us feel better about ours; it reminds us that somebody somewhere is in a worse position. This story is for you.
It was the first Thanksgiving I was going to spend with my boyfriend’s family. His entire family was going to be there: his dad, stepmom, kids, granddaughter, brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces. I was very nervous to say the least. I figured it was going to be awkward and was feeling leery. On the other hand, I was looking forward to finally getting a taste of deep-fried turkey. It was our job to bring the kosher foods tray. I spent a considerable time finding the tiered serving tray and arranging the variety of pickles and olives in a way to make it presentable for a high-class affair. I had no idea I was going to be the only one eating it as I spent the day alone.
His children, who were living with their mother, would meet us at his sister’s house, about 11:30 AM or so. Plans changed early in the day when his daughter called. She had a major argument with her mom, which got a little physical. I don’t recall specific details, but know she was in a very bad mood and hid the car keys. Her mom called the police. I believe the intention was to have her removed from the premises. My boyfriend went over to try and resolve matters. He took my cell phone, since he didn’t have one, to call his sister and tell her we’d all be late. He was supposed to call me with updates. He also took my car because his daughter and not-quite-ex (they weren’t legally divorced) was borrowing his. They didn’t have a car, so he and I shared mine. The new plan was to resolve the issue and come back to pick me up so we could all go to his sister’s together.
He did not take me with him for 2 main reasons. One: he didn’t like to involve me in their personal struggles; Two: I was not allowed inside their house, so I would’ve had to wait out in the cold in the car or driveway. I didn’t mind staying at home, though, because I wanted to spend a little longer making the food tray look presentable.
A long time passed before I got a call. He shared very little, but it was clear we wouldn’t make it to his sister’s before they started eating. I was still expecting to go whenever his daughter would give up the car keys or they finally found them. Hours passed without a word. I called my cell phone a few times, but nobody answered. I no longer had any clue of what was going on.
At first, I tried to hold out on eating, but was too hungry to restrain. Then I remembered that we hadn’t had time to go grocery shopping yet due to the crazy schedule that week. The only part of the tray I liked was the pickles. I thought about finding a restaurant that was open on Thanksgiving, but remembered I had no transportation. I thought of calling his family to come get me, but their phone numbers were stored in my cell phone. So let’s recap. I was home alone. I had no food other than pickles and olives, and I didn’t like olives. I had no transportation to drive anywhere. I couldn’t reach my ex and didn’t have his family’s phone numbers. I wouldn’t know what to tell them anyway, because he didn’t want to share this stuff with them either.
I wasn’t really looking forward to spending an awkward day amongst his family. Yet, I would’ve given anything to do that over being alone. This was my third Thanksgiving in this cold state, far from my immediate family, and the previous 2 were no picnic either. I missed my family tremendously. I would’ve given anything to be back home that day. Instead, I cried while thinking of home. I called my mom, sisters, and friends to vent and cry on a virtual shoulder. My Thanksgiving dinner turned out to be a bologna sandwich and a few pickles. It didn’t fill me up, but I didn’t have much of an appetite.
My ex finally came home after dark. Apparently his daughter had got physical with him too, which resulted in his face getting scratched. She said many hurtful things to him and everybody else. She never turned over the car keys. They never found them. He finally got tired of lecturing her or whatever he was doing for so many hours. He made it clear to her that she ruined many people’s Thanksgiving Day that year. I found out later that his sister had called my cell phone several times. She was going to offer to come pick me up, but she thought I was with him at their house dealing with all the issues.
This type of episode was not that unusual, but happening on a holiday was the worst timing. In a society which prefers touching inspirational stories that make people smile, this story is made of stuff we don’t like to talk about or acknowledge. As sad as this story is, I’m sure somebody else can top it with a worse story. To everybody who feels their Thanksgiving was better, I sincerely hope you can realize all the wonderful things in your life to be gracious for. If you still can’t find something, write me so I can help you find it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Even Frenemies Deserve a Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you and your family have a safe enjoyable holiday.
Whether you are traveling or staying home, Thanksgiving can be stressful. If you are traveling, you may have to deal with crowds in traffic, the airport, or the bus station. If you have to stop at the store, you’re dealing with other people who are in a rush and often not paying attention to anything or anybody except the focus of what they need at that moment. If you are staying at home, you are likely cooking, possibly for many people. Maybe you’ll be host. Or maybe you are a lucky one who only has to show up and enjoy the day – or wade through other people’s stress. If you are the latter person, I’m happy for you. Congratulations! Enjoy. To everybody else, please try to be patient with everybody else. Assume they are dealing with some sort of stress and give them the benefit of the doubt in all situations, even if only to keep Thanksgiving Day a day to be grateful for even small things.
Many personalities converge in the same place at the same time. Drinking is a part of many households. Football or other sports on tv is fodder for team rivalry. The temperature in some houses is high due to the heat from the cooking or the crowded space. Finally, there could be a new addition – a step member – in a family, possibly one who is not accepted as part of the family. Oddly, it seems nobody knows how to push buttons like family members. All of these factors add to the stress of individuals. Even close-knit families have their share of arguments. Multiply that stress factor by ten to have an idea of the stress level in a dysfunctional stepfamily. Highly dysfunctional stepfamilies can increase the factor another tenfold.
It is common to have frenemies within a family. If you are not familiar with the word, see my previous post in Oct about frenemies. They are even more common in stepfamilies, although individuals don’t like to admit it. It’s ok to continue keeping it a secret. Some step parents think of their step children as frenemies. Likewise, some step children think of their step parent in the same manner. Ex-spouses, in-laws, the non-custodial parent, some bio parents, and even some (step) grandparents can all be frenemies to somebody somewhere.
Regardless of your position within the family or stepfamily, whether you are a newbie or maybe meeting a newbie, a frenemy or not, you deserve to be treated with dignity. Likewise, everybody else, step or bio, newbie or long-timer, related or not, deserves to be treated with dignity. You don’t know the extent of stress each person is under. Nor do you know their threshold and what would tip them over the edge. Please keep this in mind. If you know somebody’s buttons, please make an effort to not push them. If somebody else pushes your button, try to ignore it. Muster up a smile if you can. Maybe you should decide to just go along for the ride, so to speak, and let things roll off your back. Decide to enjoy yourself no matter what.
Keep in mind that it could be worse. There is always somebody who is less fortunate, who has less or nothing, and who wants something you have but can’t have it. Many people don’t have any family or don’t have a place they consider home. So, even if you feel uncomfortable or stressed, there is always something to be thankful for. This includes your family or your frenemy.
Please be safe. Try to relax and enjoy thanksgiving. Most importantly, be grateful for everything you have.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Whether you are traveling or staying home, Thanksgiving can be stressful. If you are traveling, you may have to deal with crowds in traffic, the airport, or the bus station. If you have to stop at the store, you’re dealing with other people who are in a rush and often not paying attention to anything or anybody except the focus of what they need at that moment. If you are staying at home, you are likely cooking, possibly for many people. Maybe you’ll be host. Or maybe you are a lucky one who only has to show up and enjoy the day – or wade through other people’s stress. If you are the latter person, I’m happy for you. Congratulations! Enjoy. To everybody else, please try to be patient with everybody else. Assume they are dealing with some sort of stress and give them the benefit of the doubt in all situations, even if only to keep Thanksgiving Day a day to be grateful for even small things.
Many personalities converge in the same place at the same time. Drinking is a part of many households. Football or other sports on tv is fodder for team rivalry. The temperature in some houses is high due to the heat from the cooking or the crowded space. Finally, there could be a new addition – a step member – in a family, possibly one who is not accepted as part of the family. Oddly, it seems nobody knows how to push buttons like family members. All of these factors add to the stress of individuals. Even close-knit families have their share of arguments. Multiply that stress factor by ten to have an idea of the stress level in a dysfunctional stepfamily. Highly dysfunctional stepfamilies can increase the factor another tenfold.
It is common to have frenemies within a family. If you are not familiar with the word, see my previous post in Oct about frenemies. They are even more common in stepfamilies, although individuals don’t like to admit it. It’s ok to continue keeping it a secret. Some step parents think of their step children as frenemies. Likewise, some step children think of their step parent in the same manner. Ex-spouses, in-laws, the non-custodial parent, some bio parents, and even some (step) grandparents can all be frenemies to somebody somewhere.
Regardless of your position within the family or stepfamily, whether you are a newbie or maybe meeting a newbie, a frenemy or not, you deserve to be treated with dignity. Likewise, everybody else, step or bio, newbie or long-timer, related or not, deserves to be treated with dignity. You don’t know the extent of stress each person is under. Nor do you know their threshold and what would tip them over the edge. Please keep this in mind. If you know somebody’s buttons, please make an effort to not push them. If somebody else pushes your button, try to ignore it. Muster up a smile if you can. Maybe you should decide to just go along for the ride, so to speak, and let things roll off your back. Decide to enjoy yourself no matter what.
Keep in mind that it could be worse. There is always somebody who is less fortunate, who has less or nothing, and who wants something you have but can’t have it. Many people don’t have any family or don’t have a place they consider home. So, even if you feel uncomfortable or stressed, there is always something to be thankful for. This includes your family or your frenemy.
Please be safe. Try to relax and enjoy thanksgiving. Most importantly, be grateful for everything you have.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Forgiveness Doesn't Mean Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship
In its simplest form, forgiveness means to not feel ill-will toward somebody who wronged you. It means to not be angry at that person anymore. If you are in a relationship with that person, it also means not to bring up the wrong in future arguments. If you’re forgiving an ex, it is a step toward healing and finding closure.
Many people don’t understand why I defend my ex. When I first share personal memories, a common reaction I get is “What an a$$-hole!”
“No,” I say, “actually he is a really nice guy.”
“Then why aren’t you with him, if he’s so nice?”
“It’s a long complicated story.” Depending on the person and direction of the conversation, I may explain more. Usually, it’s not necessary. To some, I add how many loyal friends he has because of how much he’s helped them and how everybody who met him liked him immediately.
“So you’re still in love with him, huh?”
“No. Why do you say that?”
I’ve had this conversation with several people. The words vary, but the sentiment remains. It reflects a pervasive viewpoint of our society: being a victim and resenting our ex. On top of this, we naively believe that love is enough to make any relationship work. So if it doesn’t work, naturally somebody maliciously wronged the other. It is counter-intuitive to believe a relationship ended if both people were still in love with each other. It’s equally counter-intuitive to not be angry with our ex unless we’re still in love with him (her). People identify with the person they’re talking to. They hear my perspective, but filter it through their own, which includes this societal attitude. When I’m explaining what happened to me, I come across as the victim, even though it is not my intention. Because I am considered an insider to them, they naturally put themselves in my position and pass judgment on my ex, whom they consider an outsider. If/when my ex talks about our failed relationship, they probably conclude I am a bitch and he is the victim. They are insiders to him, but outsiders to me.
By no means was it easy to forgive him. It took a long time, but I was determined to get rid of my emotional baggage. I did not want to live with it. Intellectually, I could rationalize several reasons he deserved to be forgiven. Emotionally, though, it was much tougher. He hurt me deeply. Intelligence and emotions are two different parts of us. One generates from the mind; the other from the heart. People’s words and actions are a result of what they feel rather than what they think, for emotions extend deep into our subconscious. As difficult as it was to forgive him, it was 100 times more difficult to forgive the mother of his children. By the time I left, I hated the women. I despised her so bad that shivers would run down my spine whenever I heard her name mentioned, even if it was in reference to a different person with the same name. Many stepmoms can relate exactly to what I’m talking about. If I was able to overcome that, then others can too.
In the process of educating myself on step dynamics, I discovered how I contributed to some of the things that went wrong. It was a blow to my pride because I always had the best of intentions. I truly cared for his kids’ wellbeing and gave my all to make it work. The thought that I should’ve done things differently was tough to grasp. Like my ex, I was clueless. I handled things based on my experiences of what worked for me elsewhere, so why didn’t it work there? Stepfamilies operate differently. Because I didn’t get that, I had to forgive myself of the things I did wrong, which was also tough for me.
A male friend once asked me how he can forgive his wife when there is no way he could stay with her. Like me and many others, applying this concept was confusing. She purposely deceived and manipulated him, on top of telling numerous lies. Nobody could blame him for being angry with her. In fact, most would feel he was righteous in his anger. However, splitting the household at that time would have caused other problems he wasn’t ready for yet. He needed to have some semblance of peace at home for the sake of his own sanity and the emotional well-being of his daughter. I suggested he try not to argue with his wife, but she would constantly bully him until he gave in and argued back. [Incessantly angry people want to argue and continually find reasons to dispute.] The yelling sometimes turned into throwing and breaking things. One night the computer got broken beyond repair. I explicated on what I meant. Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying married to her or even to still live with her. It just means find a way to not be angry with her anymore, even if he decided to continue the living arrangement.
This is challenging at best, but particularly so as long as he is still living around the dysfunction. Regardless, it would take time and lots of effort. It starts with the decision to find inner peace. The timing for this decision has to be right, for some people need to come to terms with their anger and reach a place (in mind, spirit, and time) where they are ready to release their resentment. Subsequent steps include accepting that she is mentally sick and can’t help it, monitoring one’s inner voice, and interjecting positive affirmations. A few things that helped me were developing my spirituality, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), Reiki, and dream therapy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Many people don’t understand why I defend my ex. When I first share personal memories, a common reaction I get is “What an a$$-hole!”
“No,” I say, “actually he is a really nice guy.”
“Then why aren’t you with him, if he’s so nice?”
“It’s a long complicated story.” Depending on the person and direction of the conversation, I may explain more. Usually, it’s not necessary. To some, I add how many loyal friends he has because of how much he’s helped them and how everybody who met him liked him immediately.
“So you’re still in love with him, huh?”
“No. Why do you say that?”
I’ve had this conversation with several people. The words vary, but the sentiment remains. It reflects a pervasive viewpoint of our society: being a victim and resenting our ex. On top of this, we naively believe that love is enough to make any relationship work. So if it doesn’t work, naturally somebody maliciously wronged the other. It is counter-intuitive to believe a relationship ended if both people were still in love with each other. It’s equally counter-intuitive to not be angry with our ex unless we’re still in love with him (her). People identify with the person they’re talking to. They hear my perspective, but filter it through their own, which includes this societal attitude. When I’m explaining what happened to me, I come across as the victim, even though it is not my intention. Because I am considered an insider to them, they naturally put themselves in my position and pass judgment on my ex, whom they consider an outsider. If/when my ex talks about our failed relationship, they probably conclude I am a bitch and he is the victim. They are insiders to him, but outsiders to me.
By no means was it easy to forgive him. It took a long time, but I was determined to get rid of my emotional baggage. I did not want to live with it. Intellectually, I could rationalize several reasons he deserved to be forgiven. Emotionally, though, it was much tougher. He hurt me deeply. Intelligence and emotions are two different parts of us. One generates from the mind; the other from the heart. People’s words and actions are a result of what they feel rather than what they think, for emotions extend deep into our subconscious. As difficult as it was to forgive him, it was 100 times more difficult to forgive the mother of his children. By the time I left, I hated the women. I despised her so bad that shivers would run down my spine whenever I heard her name mentioned, even if it was in reference to a different person with the same name. Many stepmoms can relate exactly to what I’m talking about. If I was able to overcome that, then others can too.
In the process of educating myself on step dynamics, I discovered how I contributed to some of the things that went wrong. It was a blow to my pride because I always had the best of intentions. I truly cared for his kids’ wellbeing and gave my all to make it work. The thought that I should’ve done things differently was tough to grasp. Like my ex, I was clueless. I handled things based on my experiences of what worked for me elsewhere, so why didn’t it work there? Stepfamilies operate differently. Because I didn’t get that, I had to forgive myself of the things I did wrong, which was also tough for me.
A male friend once asked me how he can forgive his wife when there is no way he could stay with her. Like me and many others, applying this concept was confusing. She purposely deceived and manipulated him, on top of telling numerous lies. Nobody could blame him for being angry with her. In fact, most would feel he was righteous in his anger. However, splitting the household at that time would have caused other problems he wasn’t ready for yet. He needed to have some semblance of peace at home for the sake of his own sanity and the emotional well-being of his daughter. I suggested he try not to argue with his wife, but she would constantly bully him until he gave in and argued back. [Incessantly angry people want to argue and continually find reasons to dispute.] The yelling sometimes turned into throwing and breaking things. One night the computer got broken beyond repair. I explicated on what I meant. Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying married to her or even to still live with her. It just means find a way to not be angry with her anymore, even if he decided to continue the living arrangement.
This is challenging at best, but particularly so as long as he is still living around the dysfunction. Regardless, it would take time and lots of effort. It starts with the decision to find inner peace. The timing for this decision has to be right, for some people need to come to terms with their anger and reach a place (in mind, spirit, and time) where they are ready to release their resentment. Subsequent steps include accepting that she is mentally sick and can’t help it, monitoring one’s inner voice, and interjecting positive affirmations. A few things that helped me were developing my spirituality, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), Reiki, and dream therapy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Friday, November 5, 2010
Hindsight 20/20
Hindsight 20/20: My Dysfunctional Stepfamily Experience. How about that for the title of my autobiography I’m writing? I think it fits. It’s not a definite – only a definite maybe.
Circumstances often look clear after the fact, but that isn’t always the case. In mine, it took years before I could look back at it with clarity. It feels good to understand what went wrong and why even though it hurts a little when I think of a few specific big harry messes. Yet, at the same time, those things are forgivable because none of us knew any better. Now, I know what I and my ex should have said and done to get a positive outcome. Most people don’t have that luxury when contemplating past relationships, particularly in stepfamilies.
I distinctly remember the first time I heard of “stepfamily awareness”. I happened across a website on stepfamily dynamics while researching family counseling. Through hyperlinks, I discovered The Stepfamily Association and The Stepfamily Foundation. I was shocked to say the least. Up to that point, I was in the dark. I had no clue there were so many common situations endemic to stepfamilies - tribulations that they don’t exist in nuclear (first) families. Page after page, I was amazed at how much sounded familiar at home. Moreover, there were organizations founded for the shear purpose of educating and helping people in stepfamilies. Wow!
The Stepfamily Foundation had been around since the 70’s! Why hadn’t I heard of it before? The short answer is that I never looked. I had no reason to. I had no reason to question how families work, for I had been in one all my life. My parents divorced as a child and both parents were involved with another. I remembered it vividly and thought I was prepared. I wasn’t expecting anything rosy. I knew there would be snags, but nobody can prepare you for actual stepfamily life unless they have also been in a stepfamily, as an adult. None of my friends or family had been where I was. I am not alone in this. I hear this over and over again from step parents – the shocking reality of being recoupled with children. I, like most people, went into expecting it to transform into a regular family with normal ups and downs. Explaining it to people in first families is moot. That’s why many step parents feel so alone. They no longer feel comfortable talking (venting mostly) to others. They are either misunderstood or criticized. They are sometimes judged for not being a good enough parent to the stepkids or trying to replace the bio parent. Both are unfair and unfounded.
The most challenging coaching I do is with clients who come to me after already being married or living together for 2 or more years. By this time, the tension at home is sometimes so thick it can be cut with a knife. Miscommunication, lack of understanding, unrealistic expectations, and subconscious assumptions cause people to say and do things that would be fine in a first family but cause harm in a stepfamily. Each person acts and reacts according to their own perspective, which is often not aligned with anybody else. Being unable to resolve issues, the hurt feelings multiply and intensify. Yelling becomes a common occurrence. So does disrespect and criticism.
The odds of a family in this dire situation staying together are against them. If this describes your stepfamily, I strongly advise you to seek a Stepfamily Professional. It can be reversed with the right tools. Unless the tools magically appear along with direction of how to use them, this family will continue acting and reacting based on hurt feelings. They will continue to do what they’ve always done and continue to get the same bad results. It is likely to spiral downward out of control.
That is a big part of what happened to us. [Granted, our issues extended far beyond step-related. Based on those, it is likely we would have broken up anyway. However, the many step issues exasperated the excess dysfunction. Handling the step dynamics better may have eased the adversity.] By the time I was enlightened to step differences, the worst of the damage was already done and spiraling out of control. The past could not be taken back. Some of it created scars in everybody. We had already been living together for about 2 years and had dated a year before that. At that time, I did not have the tools necessary to undo what was already done.
Ideally, for a stepfamily in this situation to get on track of healthy functionality, everybody (particularly the adults) should formulate a pact to make a fresh start – a do over. Forgive all past wrongs by everybody due to reason of inexperience. In this case, ignorance is an excuse. Most importantly, it is the only way to get past the bad and move forward in a positive healthy direction. It is easier said than done. In fact, it is the toughest. I usually have to address this within the first month of coaching clients who fit this scenario. I spend a little time explaining probable reasons for so-and-so’s actions, and corroborate it with the person when possible. I give suggestions on how to address it now and similar situations in the future. Then, I create 2 imaginary bags: the “Past, Let’s Forget” bag and the “Future, Let’s not Worry about it” bag. Concerns that so-and-so is going to make the same mistakes get thrown into the “Future…” bag. We can never predict or control if/when somebody else is going to do something. If it’s a behavior that became habitual or is a part of his/her personality, it’s likely the person will repeat it. It takes time to change behaviors and habits. We have to trust that everybody is making a sincere effort, have patience with them, and forgive them when/if they fall short. Habit modification of this kind can be achieved through a 5-step AWAIT process.
Forgiveness is repetitive. I can’t stress this enough. Past wrongs come up again. Sometimes, in other ways; Sometimes, the aftermath or residual effects creep in and become a factor. Some scars never heal. Typically, it’s difficult at best for husbands, wives, Significant Others, and (step)kids to erase the pain or suffering caused by what’s transpired. Sometimes, in a few cases, somebody can find a way to forgive but is unable to continue living there. This is one of many reasons custodial arrangements are altered. In other cases, the stepfamily breaks up. Forgiveness is still vital, though, so the same or similar problems don’t become a factor in the next relationship. Otherwise, it causes emotional baggage with ongoing residual effects.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Circumstances often look clear after the fact, but that isn’t always the case. In mine, it took years before I could look back at it with clarity. It feels good to understand what went wrong and why even though it hurts a little when I think of a few specific big harry messes. Yet, at the same time, those things are forgivable because none of us knew any better. Now, I know what I and my ex should have said and done to get a positive outcome. Most people don’t have that luxury when contemplating past relationships, particularly in stepfamilies.
I distinctly remember the first time I heard of “stepfamily awareness”. I happened across a website on stepfamily dynamics while researching family counseling. Through hyperlinks, I discovered The Stepfamily Association and The Stepfamily Foundation. I was shocked to say the least. Up to that point, I was in the dark. I had no clue there were so many common situations endemic to stepfamilies - tribulations that they don’t exist in nuclear (first) families. Page after page, I was amazed at how much sounded familiar at home. Moreover, there were organizations founded for the shear purpose of educating and helping people in stepfamilies. Wow!
The Stepfamily Foundation had been around since the 70’s! Why hadn’t I heard of it before? The short answer is that I never looked. I had no reason to. I had no reason to question how families work, for I had been in one all my life. My parents divorced as a child and both parents were involved with another. I remembered it vividly and thought I was prepared. I wasn’t expecting anything rosy. I knew there would be snags, but nobody can prepare you for actual stepfamily life unless they have also been in a stepfamily, as an adult. None of my friends or family had been where I was. I am not alone in this. I hear this over and over again from step parents – the shocking reality of being recoupled with children. I, like most people, went into expecting it to transform into a regular family with normal ups and downs. Explaining it to people in first families is moot. That’s why many step parents feel so alone. They no longer feel comfortable talking (venting mostly) to others. They are either misunderstood or criticized. They are sometimes judged for not being a good enough parent to the stepkids or trying to replace the bio parent. Both are unfair and unfounded.
The most challenging coaching I do is with clients who come to me after already being married or living together for 2 or more years. By this time, the tension at home is sometimes so thick it can be cut with a knife. Miscommunication, lack of understanding, unrealistic expectations, and subconscious assumptions cause people to say and do things that would be fine in a first family but cause harm in a stepfamily. Each person acts and reacts according to their own perspective, which is often not aligned with anybody else. Being unable to resolve issues, the hurt feelings multiply and intensify. Yelling becomes a common occurrence. So does disrespect and criticism.
The odds of a family in this dire situation staying together are against them. If this describes your stepfamily, I strongly advise you to seek a Stepfamily Professional. It can be reversed with the right tools. Unless the tools magically appear along with direction of how to use them, this family will continue acting and reacting based on hurt feelings. They will continue to do what they’ve always done and continue to get the same bad results. It is likely to spiral downward out of control.
That is a big part of what happened to us. [Granted, our issues extended far beyond step-related. Based on those, it is likely we would have broken up anyway. However, the many step issues exasperated the excess dysfunction. Handling the step dynamics better may have eased the adversity.] By the time I was enlightened to step differences, the worst of the damage was already done and spiraling out of control. The past could not be taken back. Some of it created scars in everybody. We had already been living together for about 2 years and had dated a year before that. At that time, I did not have the tools necessary to undo what was already done.
Ideally, for a stepfamily in this situation to get on track of healthy functionality, everybody (particularly the adults) should formulate a pact to make a fresh start – a do over. Forgive all past wrongs by everybody due to reason of inexperience. In this case, ignorance is an excuse. Most importantly, it is the only way to get past the bad and move forward in a positive healthy direction. It is easier said than done. In fact, it is the toughest. I usually have to address this within the first month of coaching clients who fit this scenario. I spend a little time explaining probable reasons for so-and-so’s actions, and corroborate it with the person when possible. I give suggestions on how to address it now and similar situations in the future. Then, I create 2 imaginary bags: the “Past, Let’s Forget” bag and the “Future, Let’s not Worry about it” bag. Concerns that so-and-so is going to make the same mistakes get thrown into the “Future…” bag. We can never predict or control if/when somebody else is going to do something. If it’s a behavior that became habitual or is a part of his/her personality, it’s likely the person will repeat it. It takes time to change behaviors and habits. We have to trust that everybody is making a sincere effort, have patience with them, and forgive them when/if they fall short. Habit modification of this kind can be achieved through a 5-step AWAIT process.
Forgiveness is repetitive. I can’t stress this enough. Past wrongs come up again. Sometimes, in other ways; Sometimes, the aftermath or residual effects creep in and become a factor. Some scars never heal. Typically, it’s difficult at best for husbands, wives, Significant Others, and (step)kids to erase the pain or suffering caused by what’s transpired. Sometimes, in a few cases, somebody can find a way to forgive but is unable to continue living there. This is one of many reasons custodial arrangements are altered. In other cases, the stepfamily breaks up. Forgiveness is still vital, though, so the same or similar problems don’t become a factor in the next relationship. Otherwise, it causes emotional baggage with ongoing residual effects.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
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