These strategies helped me immensely. I put it in outline format in order to make it easier and quicker to read. It is in response to the plethora of outcry I hear from StepMoms about a BM who is tough to deal with.
1) Distinguish what you can control and what you can’t.
a. In every situation, ask yourself the following questions:
i. Can I control this?
ii. Can I control a part of this?
iii. What is my part?
b. Stop. Rethink.
i. What other options do I have, that I can control?
ii. What can/should I do differently?
iii. Can/will DH help me with this?
2) Change the story
a. It takes time and effort to alter our emotional reaction.
b. Replace negative thoughts with neutral thoughts. Every time you get upset while thinking of something BM said or did, stop and tell yourself the following:
i. She can’t help it. She likely cannot control this obsessive behavior.
ii. I feel sorry for her that she cannot get past the divorce/separation and move on.
iii. I’m glad I’m not that insecure.
iv. How sad that she is not at inner peace and chooses to be spiteful! I choose to not react in kind. I will not bring myself down to that level of behavior.
v. I don’t want to give her power over me. I can get past this regardless of what she does.
3) Release and let go
a. Your feelings are valid. You may want to hold onto your anger or pain because she truly has mal-intentions. However, it stands in your way of inner peace and your ability to be the best YOU you can be. You can’t give your all when you’re mired in anger or hurt feelings.
b. Vent if you need to, preferably to somebody who understands and has been in a similar situation, but who won’t fuel your anger.
c. Develop strategies to relax
i. Hot bath
ii. Yoga, kick boxing, running, or other physical fitness
iii. Find a hobby or pastime – something that reminds you of who you are so you won’t lose a sense of yourself while wearing the different hats (BM, StepMom, Wife/SO, career woman, etc)
4) Become numb and unemotional when defending accusations and lies from BM. Defend yourself calmly, whether to your skids or DH.
a. "I didn’t say/do that. That is incorrect."
i. No long explanation/defense is necessary unless DH believes it and is concerned about it.
ii. Skids don’t need to know adult business – only that the statement is not true. Leave it to DH to defend you more if that is necessary.
b. "She is obviously confused or she misunderstood."
i. Even if you know her intentions are malicious and fallacious
ii. Give her the benefit of the doubt, especially to the children.
iii. Don’t feel guilty because you may be fibbing. It is a white lie that will have neutral to positive repercussions.
c. "She is entitled to her opinion. It’s up to you to make up your own mind and form your own opinion."
i. This will work in your favor, especially if DH has a similar conversation with the kids and defends you.
d. Get used to this. So will the kids.
i. The less emotions you show about BM, the bigger the reward.
ii. Eventually the kids will figure out the truth. That may be a sad day for BM. They will forgive her, though, because she is BM. The biological bond is that strong.
iii. In the meantime, you keep your sanity, are more productive, and can give 110% again when wearing the different hats.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Showing posts with label BioMom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BioMom. Show all posts
Friday, November 19, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Things I Learned Professionally and Personally
1) Conflict of Loyalties between step and biology.
Stepchildren often feel conflicted about liking their stepmom. Internally, they worry it means they like their mom less. This feeling is pronounced when the BioMom outwardly disapproves of the StepMom.
Tucking my ex-boyfriend’s son into bed was special to me. It was usually reserved for his dad, and he seldom requested me to. So whenever he asked me to do it, I cherished it more than he’ll ever know. For the few days afterward, he seemed more distant and argumentative, and almost always called his mom to take him somewhere. A long time would pass before he asked me to tuck him in again. At the time, I was confused and a little hurt. In reality, he was getting used to me. He liked me. He liked being tucked into bed. But, he was afraid of going against his mom, who did not hide her disdain for me. He felt he was not supposed to like me, as if it was somehow wrong. His dad and I were arguing a lot, too. Even if we didn’t argue in front of him, he could tell. This made it more confusing for his son to figure out my standing in the family. At the least, it made it harder for him to *want* to get close to me, for fear of losing somebody he cares about (again). [He didn’t like to be alone and already went through a family separation.] We can all relate to that. Many step parents are concerned about the same thing. I was.
2) Household rules need to be accompanied by predetermined consequences that need to be consistently enforced by bio parent (and step).
Many divorced parents develop guilt over putting their kids through a divorce. Some parents with joint custody turn into a holiday parent. Both of these scenarios contribute to less or inconsistent disciplining. When they become involved with a new person and form a stepfamily, the discipline usually doesn’t resume to how it was prior to the divorce. Because the step parent has a different style of discipline, arguments between the adults (step and bio) regarding discipline become prevalent. It is one of the top complaints among parents in stepfamilies. One suggestion is to form household rules agreed upon by both parents. Call a family meeting to announce changes and address questions. Be sure to call them “household” rules, which do not necessarily reflect rules in other bio parent’s house. Secondly, be sure to note that bio parent (over step parent) approved them to reduce resentment from kids. Consequences for breaking the rules should be mentioned during the meeting. As long as they are enforced consistently by bio parent, kids won’t resent the step parent when he/she tries to enforce them.
This was a huge issue in our house. When my stepson came to live with my now ex-boyfriend and I, the role of holiday parent switched from my ex-boyfriend to BioMom. However, my boyfriend did not resume discipline and was never able to enforce his own rules. One example is his son’s bedtime. Because my ex regularly made exceptions on bedtime, havoc ensued whenever I tried to put his son to bed when he wasn’t home. I was told, “Dad never makes me go to bed now.” I’d respond by referencing his dad’s rule, but there was no way to get away from him resenting me. I see similar stories in many of the stepfamilies I work with. An occasional exception is ok, but the precedence has to be established first.
3) The key for a step parent to build rapport and a caring relationship with step children is a delicate balance between mentoring, caring for their needs, and stepping back.
The role of step parent is precarious in that the children, spouse, and ex-spouse each have different expectations of the step parent, none of which are clearly defined. There is a constant potential of being criticized for either doing too much or not enough. Trying to be the best step parent ever – a Super Step – would likely cause the step children to resist and pull away. Sucking up to the children wouldn’t earn a step parent respect. Ironically, being too lax and uninvolved would have the same effect.
Step children need time to get used to the new family situation. They also need to have quality alone time with each biological parent, when possible. As long as their basic needs are met, they will feel wanted and loved.
My stepson found comfort in knowing there was always somebody available to provide for his needs: after-school snack, money for school lunch, clean clothes, and various other things. He knew he could rely on me to help him, but that he could also call his mom whenever he wanted. Likewise, he had many quality father-son times that were special to him. He felt wanted and loved, which was healthy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Stepchildren often feel conflicted about liking their stepmom. Internally, they worry it means they like their mom less. This feeling is pronounced when the BioMom outwardly disapproves of the StepMom.
Tucking my ex-boyfriend’s son into bed was special to me. It was usually reserved for his dad, and he seldom requested me to. So whenever he asked me to do it, I cherished it more than he’ll ever know. For the few days afterward, he seemed more distant and argumentative, and almost always called his mom to take him somewhere. A long time would pass before he asked me to tuck him in again. At the time, I was confused and a little hurt. In reality, he was getting used to me. He liked me. He liked being tucked into bed. But, he was afraid of going against his mom, who did not hide her disdain for me. He felt he was not supposed to like me, as if it was somehow wrong. His dad and I were arguing a lot, too. Even if we didn’t argue in front of him, he could tell. This made it more confusing for his son to figure out my standing in the family. At the least, it made it harder for him to *want* to get close to me, for fear of losing somebody he cares about (again). [He didn’t like to be alone and already went through a family separation.] We can all relate to that. Many step parents are concerned about the same thing. I was.
2) Household rules need to be accompanied by predetermined consequences that need to be consistently enforced by bio parent (and step).
Many divorced parents develop guilt over putting their kids through a divorce. Some parents with joint custody turn into a holiday parent. Both of these scenarios contribute to less or inconsistent disciplining. When they become involved with a new person and form a stepfamily, the discipline usually doesn’t resume to how it was prior to the divorce. Because the step parent has a different style of discipline, arguments between the adults (step and bio) regarding discipline become prevalent. It is one of the top complaints among parents in stepfamilies. One suggestion is to form household rules agreed upon by both parents. Call a family meeting to announce changes and address questions. Be sure to call them “household” rules, which do not necessarily reflect rules in other bio parent’s house. Secondly, be sure to note that bio parent (over step parent) approved them to reduce resentment from kids. Consequences for breaking the rules should be mentioned during the meeting. As long as they are enforced consistently by bio parent, kids won’t resent the step parent when he/she tries to enforce them.
This was a huge issue in our house. When my stepson came to live with my now ex-boyfriend and I, the role of holiday parent switched from my ex-boyfriend to BioMom. However, my boyfriend did not resume discipline and was never able to enforce his own rules. One example is his son’s bedtime. Because my ex regularly made exceptions on bedtime, havoc ensued whenever I tried to put his son to bed when he wasn’t home. I was told, “Dad never makes me go to bed now.” I’d respond by referencing his dad’s rule, but there was no way to get away from him resenting me. I see similar stories in many of the stepfamilies I work with. An occasional exception is ok, but the precedence has to be established first.
3) The key for a step parent to build rapport and a caring relationship with step children is a delicate balance between mentoring, caring for their needs, and stepping back.
The role of step parent is precarious in that the children, spouse, and ex-spouse each have different expectations of the step parent, none of which are clearly defined. There is a constant potential of being criticized for either doing too much or not enough. Trying to be the best step parent ever – a Super Step – would likely cause the step children to resist and pull away. Sucking up to the children wouldn’t earn a step parent respect. Ironically, being too lax and uninvolved would have the same effect.
Step children need time to get used to the new family situation. They also need to have quality alone time with each biological parent, when possible. As long as their basic needs are met, they will feel wanted and loved.
My stepson found comfort in knowing there was always somebody available to provide for his needs: after-school snack, money for school lunch, clean clothes, and various other things. He knew he could rely on me to help him, but that he could also call his mom whenever he wanted. Likewise, he had many quality father-son times that were special to him. He felt wanted and loved, which was healthy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Reaction to Stepmom Success: How to Deal with the Ex-Wife
This blog is written in reaction to referenced-article on Huffington Post dated Nov 11, 2010. Based on posted comments, I know I'm not the only person who feels this way.
They say that parenthood is a thankless job, but I say BioMoms and BioDads get thanks and recognition regularly. Step parenting is a truly thankless job. It takes time to build rapport with stepkids. Step parents are often criticized for being too much like a parent or not loving the children like their own – damned if they do, damned if they don’t. There is always a risk of being verbally attacked by either bio parent for overstepping bounds they didn’t know existed. I’d like to change these double standards. This article, although giving a few positive tips for being a good step-mom, does more to perpetuate her tireless thankless job. Additionally, it could fuel resentment toward BioMom as well as frustration over feeling powerless in dealing with her.
I want to be clear that I agree with most of the article. StepMoms have to accept the BioMom as having first dibs on whatever part of parenting they want. BioMom should be allowed to call or pick up the children anytime she likes, provided she makes proper arrangements, preferably in advance, with BioDad. (BioDad should consult his significant other on this.) Complimenting BioMom in the presence of the kids is a good idea. Doing it in front of BioMom depends on the situation and BioMom’s behavior. Bad behavior of BioMom should not be condoned or placated. Ignoring it is a good idea, but don’t reward it by complimenting her. It may encourage her to continue. StepMoms need to remember that BioMom may very well be insane – possibly in the literal sense. Nothing we say or do will change or control her. We should never do anything that mimics or disrespects her, regardless of what she says or does. I advocate all of that when coaching stepfamilies. None of it means StepMoms are powerless or don’t have a say.
StepMoms have power and control in their house, if they work as a team with BioDad. If BioDad has an effective co-parenting arrangement with BioMom, AND values input from his betrothed, StepMoms have real power. They have power in their rapport with the kids in spite of BM. Their power is in their ability to maintain composure and continue to unwaveringly support their steipkids in whatever way is necessary. This article claims StepMoms should keep their mouth shut. I say to only keep it shut in the presence of BioMom and the children. Venting to friends or family about her is beneficial in releasing frustration, but could potentially fuel the resentment. Learning how to set up and maintain boundaries is a better option. A professional Stepfamily Professional or professional-based support group could help.
I have personal experience with dealing with an ex-wife. I remember when I concluded the BioMom was insane. Truly, I thought, there was no other explanation for her behavior. The impetus was “Cody and the Hammer Incident”. Only people who were there know what I’m talking about. BioDad didn’t even know what to think. Prior to that incident, I had spent over a year trying very hard to like her. In the beginning, I liked her without a 2nd thought. Why wouldn’t I? My SO was a great guy. Surely he picked a good 1st woman. However, people and circumstances change consistently. This doesn’t mean she was no longer good; it means I shouldn’t have high expectations. Incident after incident made it difficult for me to like her. Gradually, my feelings changed to neutral. They wavered on dislike immediately before the above-mentioned incident. I didn’t like the thought of disliking somebody because it goes against the grain of who I am. This incident left me with no other conclusion than her insanity. With repeated incidents over the following year, I eventually came to strongly dislike her, and then hate her. No, it wasn’t right; but it was accurately how I felt.
In spite of how I felt about her, I always did my best to treat her as another human being with emotions and problems just like the rest of us. In spite of how she felt about me, on 2 occasions over the 2 ½ year period, she kissed me on the cheek. If I can get that result in spite of being clueless about step dynamics, I can only imagine the positive results I would’ve got if I knew how to handle other situations better.
My initial immediate reaction to the mentioned article was rage. My instinct told me the author is a BioMom who is resentful of her kids’ StepMom. I, for one, am tired of reading articles of how step parents have to step back, repress there emotions, and accept Bio parents without question. I want to read more articles addressed to BioMom on how to accept their divorce and their ex’s new wife. I want to read articles suggesting that BioMom learn how to respect the StepMom and not overstep her bounds on her ex-husband’s new relationship. I think many StepMom’s will agree with me. My secondary reaction to the article came from my professional practical side. It doesn’t alter what I just said, but acknowledges that most of the article was correct. The nature of stepfamilies is complicated. Step parents have rights, but they also need to tread lightly.
A better article, in my opinion, would be how StepMoms can deal with the ex-wife in spite of her insanity. I don’t really think BioMoms are insane, but they are insecure and don’t fully grasp how strong the biological bond is with their children. The nature of stepfamilies means BioMom cannot be around their children 24/7. The vast majority of StepMoms are not trying to take over as Mom. Women with a maternal instinct cannot repress or eliminate it. Nor should they. I advocate that BioMom’s accept StepMom’s as a substitute when they are not around, which happens frequently in stepfamilies, per inherent dynamics of step families. By substitute, I mean secondary. StepMoms deserve respect and support from both Bio parents because they are doing a tough job – tougher than bio parenting.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
They say that parenthood is a thankless job, but I say BioMoms and BioDads get thanks and recognition regularly. Step parenting is a truly thankless job. It takes time to build rapport with stepkids. Step parents are often criticized for being too much like a parent or not loving the children like their own – damned if they do, damned if they don’t. There is always a risk of being verbally attacked by either bio parent for overstepping bounds they didn’t know existed. I’d like to change these double standards. This article, although giving a few positive tips for being a good step-mom, does more to perpetuate her tireless thankless job. Additionally, it could fuel resentment toward BioMom as well as frustration over feeling powerless in dealing with her.
I want to be clear that I agree with most of the article. StepMoms have to accept the BioMom as having first dibs on whatever part of parenting they want. BioMom should be allowed to call or pick up the children anytime she likes, provided she makes proper arrangements, preferably in advance, with BioDad. (BioDad should consult his significant other on this.) Complimenting BioMom in the presence of the kids is a good idea. Doing it in front of BioMom depends on the situation and BioMom’s behavior. Bad behavior of BioMom should not be condoned or placated. Ignoring it is a good idea, but don’t reward it by complimenting her. It may encourage her to continue. StepMoms need to remember that BioMom may very well be insane – possibly in the literal sense. Nothing we say or do will change or control her. We should never do anything that mimics or disrespects her, regardless of what she says or does. I advocate all of that when coaching stepfamilies. None of it means StepMoms are powerless or don’t have a say.
StepMoms have power and control in their house, if they work as a team with BioDad. If BioDad has an effective co-parenting arrangement with BioMom, AND values input from his betrothed, StepMoms have real power. They have power in their rapport with the kids in spite of BM. Their power is in their ability to maintain composure and continue to unwaveringly support their steipkids in whatever way is necessary. This article claims StepMoms should keep their mouth shut. I say to only keep it shut in the presence of BioMom and the children. Venting to friends or family about her is beneficial in releasing frustration, but could potentially fuel the resentment. Learning how to set up and maintain boundaries is a better option. A professional Stepfamily Professional or professional-based support group could help.
I have personal experience with dealing with an ex-wife. I remember when I concluded the BioMom was insane. Truly, I thought, there was no other explanation for her behavior. The impetus was “Cody and the Hammer Incident”. Only people who were there know what I’m talking about. BioDad didn’t even know what to think. Prior to that incident, I had spent over a year trying very hard to like her. In the beginning, I liked her without a 2nd thought. Why wouldn’t I? My SO was a great guy. Surely he picked a good 1st woman. However, people and circumstances change consistently. This doesn’t mean she was no longer good; it means I shouldn’t have high expectations. Incident after incident made it difficult for me to like her. Gradually, my feelings changed to neutral. They wavered on dislike immediately before the above-mentioned incident. I didn’t like the thought of disliking somebody because it goes against the grain of who I am. This incident left me with no other conclusion than her insanity. With repeated incidents over the following year, I eventually came to strongly dislike her, and then hate her. No, it wasn’t right; but it was accurately how I felt.
In spite of how I felt about her, I always did my best to treat her as another human being with emotions and problems just like the rest of us. In spite of how she felt about me, on 2 occasions over the 2 ½ year period, she kissed me on the cheek. If I can get that result in spite of being clueless about step dynamics, I can only imagine the positive results I would’ve got if I knew how to handle other situations better.
My initial immediate reaction to the mentioned article was rage. My instinct told me the author is a BioMom who is resentful of her kids’ StepMom. I, for one, am tired of reading articles of how step parents have to step back, repress there emotions, and accept Bio parents without question. I want to read more articles addressed to BioMom on how to accept their divorce and their ex’s new wife. I want to read articles suggesting that BioMom learn how to respect the StepMom and not overstep her bounds on her ex-husband’s new relationship. I think many StepMom’s will agree with me. My secondary reaction to the article came from my professional practical side. It doesn’t alter what I just said, but acknowledges that most of the article was correct. The nature of stepfamilies is complicated. Step parents have rights, but they also need to tread lightly.
A better article, in my opinion, would be how StepMoms can deal with the ex-wife in spite of her insanity. I don’t really think BioMoms are insane, but they are insecure and don’t fully grasp how strong the biological bond is with their children. The nature of stepfamilies means BioMom cannot be around their children 24/7. The vast majority of StepMoms are not trying to take over as Mom. Women with a maternal instinct cannot repress or eliminate it. Nor should they. I advocate that BioMom’s accept StepMom’s as a substitute when they are not around, which happens frequently in stepfamilies, per inherent dynamics of step families. By substitute, I mean secondary. StepMoms deserve respect and support from both Bio parents because they are doing a tough job – tougher than bio parenting.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Forgiveness Doesn't Mean Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship
In its simplest form, forgiveness means to not feel ill-will toward somebody who wronged you. It means to not be angry at that person anymore. If you are in a relationship with that person, it also means not to bring up the wrong in future arguments. If you’re forgiving an ex, it is a step toward healing and finding closure.
Many people don’t understand why I defend my ex. When I first share personal memories, a common reaction I get is “What an a$$-hole!”
“No,” I say, “actually he is a really nice guy.”
“Then why aren’t you with him, if he’s so nice?”
“It’s a long complicated story.” Depending on the person and direction of the conversation, I may explain more. Usually, it’s not necessary. To some, I add how many loyal friends he has because of how much he’s helped them and how everybody who met him liked him immediately.
“So you’re still in love with him, huh?”
“No. Why do you say that?”
I’ve had this conversation with several people. The words vary, but the sentiment remains. It reflects a pervasive viewpoint of our society: being a victim and resenting our ex. On top of this, we naively believe that love is enough to make any relationship work. So if it doesn’t work, naturally somebody maliciously wronged the other. It is counter-intuitive to believe a relationship ended if both people were still in love with each other. It’s equally counter-intuitive to not be angry with our ex unless we’re still in love with him (her). People identify with the person they’re talking to. They hear my perspective, but filter it through their own, which includes this societal attitude. When I’m explaining what happened to me, I come across as the victim, even though it is not my intention. Because I am considered an insider to them, they naturally put themselves in my position and pass judgment on my ex, whom they consider an outsider. If/when my ex talks about our failed relationship, they probably conclude I am a bitch and he is the victim. They are insiders to him, but outsiders to me.
By no means was it easy to forgive him. It took a long time, but I was determined to get rid of my emotional baggage. I did not want to live with it. Intellectually, I could rationalize several reasons he deserved to be forgiven. Emotionally, though, it was much tougher. He hurt me deeply. Intelligence and emotions are two different parts of us. One generates from the mind; the other from the heart. People’s words and actions are a result of what they feel rather than what they think, for emotions extend deep into our subconscious. As difficult as it was to forgive him, it was 100 times more difficult to forgive the mother of his children. By the time I left, I hated the women. I despised her so bad that shivers would run down my spine whenever I heard her name mentioned, even if it was in reference to a different person with the same name. Many stepmoms can relate exactly to what I’m talking about. If I was able to overcome that, then others can too.
In the process of educating myself on step dynamics, I discovered how I contributed to some of the things that went wrong. It was a blow to my pride because I always had the best of intentions. I truly cared for his kids’ wellbeing and gave my all to make it work. The thought that I should’ve done things differently was tough to grasp. Like my ex, I was clueless. I handled things based on my experiences of what worked for me elsewhere, so why didn’t it work there? Stepfamilies operate differently. Because I didn’t get that, I had to forgive myself of the things I did wrong, which was also tough for me.
A male friend once asked me how he can forgive his wife when there is no way he could stay with her. Like me and many others, applying this concept was confusing. She purposely deceived and manipulated him, on top of telling numerous lies. Nobody could blame him for being angry with her. In fact, most would feel he was righteous in his anger. However, splitting the household at that time would have caused other problems he wasn’t ready for yet. He needed to have some semblance of peace at home for the sake of his own sanity and the emotional well-being of his daughter. I suggested he try not to argue with his wife, but she would constantly bully him until he gave in and argued back. [Incessantly angry people want to argue and continually find reasons to dispute.] The yelling sometimes turned into throwing and breaking things. One night the computer got broken beyond repair. I explicated on what I meant. Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying married to her or even to still live with her. It just means find a way to not be angry with her anymore, even if he decided to continue the living arrangement.
This is challenging at best, but particularly so as long as he is still living around the dysfunction. Regardless, it would take time and lots of effort. It starts with the decision to find inner peace. The timing for this decision has to be right, for some people need to come to terms with their anger and reach a place (in mind, spirit, and time) where they are ready to release their resentment. Subsequent steps include accepting that she is mentally sick and can’t help it, monitoring one’s inner voice, and interjecting positive affirmations. A few things that helped me were developing my spirituality, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), Reiki, and dream therapy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Many people don’t understand why I defend my ex. When I first share personal memories, a common reaction I get is “What an a$$-hole!”
“No,” I say, “actually he is a really nice guy.”
“Then why aren’t you with him, if he’s so nice?”
“It’s a long complicated story.” Depending on the person and direction of the conversation, I may explain more. Usually, it’s not necessary. To some, I add how many loyal friends he has because of how much he’s helped them and how everybody who met him liked him immediately.
“So you’re still in love with him, huh?”
“No. Why do you say that?”
I’ve had this conversation with several people. The words vary, but the sentiment remains. It reflects a pervasive viewpoint of our society: being a victim and resenting our ex. On top of this, we naively believe that love is enough to make any relationship work. So if it doesn’t work, naturally somebody maliciously wronged the other. It is counter-intuitive to believe a relationship ended if both people were still in love with each other. It’s equally counter-intuitive to not be angry with our ex unless we’re still in love with him (her). People identify with the person they’re talking to. They hear my perspective, but filter it through their own, which includes this societal attitude. When I’m explaining what happened to me, I come across as the victim, even though it is not my intention. Because I am considered an insider to them, they naturally put themselves in my position and pass judgment on my ex, whom they consider an outsider. If/when my ex talks about our failed relationship, they probably conclude I am a bitch and he is the victim. They are insiders to him, but outsiders to me.
By no means was it easy to forgive him. It took a long time, but I was determined to get rid of my emotional baggage. I did not want to live with it. Intellectually, I could rationalize several reasons he deserved to be forgiven. Emotionally, though, it was much tougher. He hurt me deeply. Intelligence and emotions are two different parts of us. One generates from the mind; the other from the heart. People’s words and actions are a result of what they feel rather than what they think, for emotions extend deep into our subconscious. As difficult as it was to forgive him, it was 100 times more difficult to forgive the mother of his children. By the time I left, I hated the women. I despised her so bad that shivers would run down my spine whenever I heard her name mentioned, even if it was in reference to a different person with the same name. Many stepmoms can relate exactly to what I’m talking about. If I was able to overcome that, then others can too.
In the process of educating myself on step dynamics, I discovered how I contributed to some of the things that went wrong. It was a blow to my pride because I always had the best of intentions. I truly cared for his kids’ wellbeing and gave my all to make it work. The thought that I should’ve done things differently was tough to grasp. Like my ex, I was clueless. I handled things based on my experiences of what worked for me elsewhere, so why didn’t it work there? Stepfamilies operate differently. Because I didn’t get that, I had to forgive myself of the things I did wrong, which was also tough for me.
A male friend once asked me how he can forgive his wife when there is no way he could stay with her. Like me and many others, applying this concept was confusing. She purposely deceived and manipulated him, on top of telling numerous lies. Nobody could blame him for being angry with her. In fact, most would feel he was righteous in his anger. However, splitting the household at that time would have caused other problems he wasn’t ready for yet. He needed to have some semblance of peace at home for the sake of his own sanity and the emotional well-being of his daughter. I suggested he try not to argue with his wife, but she would constantly bully him until he gave in and argued back. [Incessantly angry people want to argue and continually find reasons to dispute.] The yelling sometimes turned into throwing and breaking things. One night the computer got broken beyond repair. I explicated on what I meant. Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying married to her or even to still live with her. It just means find a way to not be angry with her anymore, even if he decided to continue the living arrangement.
This is challenging at best, but particularly so as long as he is still living around the dysfunction. Regardless, it would take time and lots of effort. It starts with the decision to find inner peace. The timing for this decision has to be right, for some people need to come to terms with their anger and reach a place (in mind, spirit, and time) where they are ready to release their resentment. Subsequent steps include accepting that she is mentally sick and can’t help it, monitoring one’s inner voice, and interjecting positive affirmations. A few things that helped me were developing my spirituality, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), Reiki, and dream therapy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
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