This blog is written in reaction to referenced-article on Huffington Post dated Nov 11, 2010. Based on posted comments, I know I'm not the only person who feels this way.
They say that parenthood is a thankless job, but I say BioMoms and BioDads get thanks and recognition regularly. Step parenting is a truly thankless job. It takes time to build rapport with stepkids. Step parents are often criticized for being too much like a parent or not loving the children like their own – damned if they do, damned if they don’t. There is always a risk of being verbally attacked by either bio parent for overstepping bounds they didn’t know existed. I’d like to change these double standards. This article, although giving a few positive tips for being a good step-mom, does more to perpetuate her tireless thankless job. Additionally, it could fuel resentment toward BioMom as well as frustration over feeling powerless in dealing with her.
I want to be clear that I agree with most of the article. StepMoms have to accept the BioMom as having first dibs on whatever part of parenting they want. BioMom should be allowed to call or pick up the children anytime she likes, provided she makes proper arrangements, preferably in advance, with BioDad. (BioDad should consult his significant other on this.) Complimenting BioMom in the presence of the kids is a good idea. Doing it in front of BioMom depends on the situation and BioMom’s behavior. Bad behavior of BioMom should not be condoned or placated. Ignoring it is a good idea, but don’t reward it by complimenting her. It may encourage her to continue. StepMoms need to remember that BioMom may very well be insane – possibly in the literal sense. Nothing we say or do will change or control her. We should never do anything that mimics or disrespects her, regardless of what she says or does. I advocate all of that when coaching stepfamilies. None of it means StepMoms are powerless or don’t have a say.
StepMoms have power and control in their house, if they work as a team with BioDad. If BioDad has an effective co-parenting arrangement with BioMom, AND values input from his betrothed, StepMoms have real power. They have power in their rapport with the kids in spite of BM. Their power is in their ability to maintain composure and continue to unwaveringly support their steipkids in whatever way is necessary. This article claims StepMoms should keep their mouth shut. I say to only keep it shut in the presence of BioMom and the children. Venting to friends or family about her is beneficial in releasing frustration, but could potentially fuel the resentment. Learning how to set up and maintain boundaries is a better option. A professional Stepfamily Professional or professional-based support group could help.
I have personal experience with dealing with an ex-wife. I remember when I concluded the BioMom was insane. Truly, I thought, there was no other explanation for her behavior. The impetus was “Cody and the Hammer Incident”. Only people who were there know what I’m talking about. BioDad didn’t even know what to think. Prior to that incident, I had spent over a year trying very hard to like her. In the beginning, I liked her without a 2nd thought. Why wouldn’t I? My SO was a great guy. Surely he picked a good 1st woman. However, people and circumstances change consistently. This doesn’t mean she was no longer good; it means I shouldn’t have high expectations. Incident after incident made it difficult for me to like her. Gradually, my feelings changed to neutral. They wavered on dislike immediately before the above-mentioned incident. I didn’t like the thought of disliking somebody because it goes against the grain of who I am. This incident left me with no other conclusion than her insanity. With repeated incidents over the following year, I eventually came to strongly dislike her, and then hate her. No, it wasn’t right; but it was accurately how I felt.
In spite of how I felt about her, I always did my best to treat her as another human being with emotions and problems just like the rest of us. In spite of how she felt about me, on 2 occasions over the 2 ½ year period, she kissed me on the cheek. If I can get that result in spite of being clueless about step dynamics, I can only imagine the positive results I would’ve got if I knew how to handle other situations better.
My initial immediate reaction to the mentioned article was rage. My instinct told me the author is a BioMom who is resentful of her kids’ StepMom. I, for one, am tired of reading articles of how step parents have to step back, repress there emotions, and accept Bio parents without question. I want to read more articles addressed to BioMom on how to accept their divorce and their ex’s new wife. I want to read articles suggesting that BioMom learn how to respect the StepMom and not overstep her bounds on her ex-husband’s new relationship. I think many StepMom’s will agree with me. My secondary reaction to the article came from my professional practical side. It doesn’t alter what I just said, but acknowledges that most of the article was correct. The nature of stepfamilies is complicated. Step parents have rights, but they also need to tread lightly.
A better article, in my opinion, would be how StepMoms can deal with the ex-wife in spite of her insanity. I don’t really think BioMoms are insane, but they are insecure and don’t fully grasp how strong the biological bond is with their children. The nature of stepfamilies means BioMom cannot be around their children 24/7. The vast majority of StepMoms are not trying to take over as Mom. Women with a maternal instinct cannot repress or eliminate it. Nor should they. I advocate that BioMom’s accept StepMom’s as a substitute when they are not around, which happens frequently in stepfamilies, per inherent dynamics of step families. By substitute, I mean secondary. StepMoms deserve respect and support from both Bio parents because they are doing a tough job – tougher than bio parenting.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
2 comments:
YES YES and again YES!
When I stepped into my husband and ss's lives (ha! "stepped into"), I tried to assume merely a caregiver role. There was no one mothering SS, at the time, however. And I've always been maternal. Even in high school, a lot of my friends called me "mom." I can't quite help it. So I mothered my SS.
There have been times that I've been called on "overstepping." I have never intended to take anything away from bm. SHE is his mother, but she hadn't, wouldn't (and still hasn't) parented. DH works long hours and often isn't around to do the parenting. SOMEONE has to do it! And, since I'm here, available and left to deal with the consequences of ss's behavior, I'm the one with the job.
My ex has recently gotten rather serious about a woman, and I've been forced to face my real opinions on stepmothering. What role do I want this woman to have in my daughter's life? I agree, there should be more information for mothers who have to share their kids with other women. There's no specific map; it's sort of feel it out based on the people involved.
I hope I can be a respectful mother. I hope I can encourage my daughter's relationship with her (theoretical) future stepmother. I hope I can be secure in my role and use that security to make the stepmother secure in HER role.
Thanks for bringing this article to my attention, and thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Hi Christina.
Thank you for leaving your comment. It's good to hear the feedback on my post.
There are many double standards in step parenting. Because you are aware of this, and have the desire to be a secure BM to a (potential) SM of your daughter, you will likely succeed. I commend you for acknowledging you have the power to do it.
Nobody can predict the future, least of all another person's behavior or style of parenting. If/when there are conflicts, miscommunication is common because sometimes people's emotions get in the way. Good intentions are wonderful, but not always enough, especially if others don't have the best of intentions or are not on the same page as you. Keep educating yourself on step dynamics and keep me in mind should you ever have a need feedback or an expert opinion.
Again, I appreciate hearing from you.
Regards,
Judy
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
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