In its simplest form, forgiveness means to not feel ill-will toward somebody who wronged you. It means to not be angry at that person anymore. If you are in a relationship with that person, it also means not to bring up the wrong in future arguments. If you’re forgiving an ex, it is a step toward healing and finding closure.
Many people don’t understand why I defend my ex. When I first share personal memories, a common reaction I get is “What an a$$-hole!”
“No,” I say, “actually he is a really nice guy.”
“Then why aren’t you with him, if he’s so nice?”
“It’s a long complicated story.” Depending on the person and direction of the conversation, I may explain more. Usually, it’s not necessary. To some, I add how many loyal friends he has because of how much he’s helped them and how everybody who met him liked him immediately.
“So you’re still in love with him, huh?”
“No. Why do you say that?”
I’ve had this conversation with several people. The words vary, but the sentiment remains. It reflects a pervasive viewpoint of our society: being a victim and resenting our ex. On top of this, we naively believe that love is enough to make any relationship work. So if it doesn’t work, naturally somebody maliciously wronged the other. It is counter-intuitive to believe a relationship ended if both people were still in love with each other. It’s equally counter-intuitive to not be angry with our ex unless we’re still in love with him (her). People identify with the person they’re talking to. They hear my perspective, but filter it through their own, which includes this societal attitude. When I’m explaining what happened to me, I come across as the victim, even though it is not my intention. Because I am considered an insider to them, they naturally put themselves in my position and pass judgment on my ex, whom they consider an outsider. If/when my ex talks about our failed relationship, they probably conclude I am a bitch and he is the victim. They are insiders to him, but outsiders to me.
By no means was it easy to forgive him. It took a long time, but I was determined to get rid of my emotional baggage. I did not want to live with it. Intellectually, I could rationalize several reasons he deserved to be forgiven. Emotionally, though, it was much tougher. He hurt me deeply. Intelligence and emotions are two different parts of us. One generates from the mind; the other from the heart. People’s words and actions are a result of what they feel rather than what they think, for emotions extend deep into our subconscious. As difficult as it was to forgive him, it was 100 times more difficult to forgive the mother of his children. By the time I left, I hated the women. I despised her so bad that shivers would run down my spine whenever I heard her name mentioned, even if it was in reference to a different person with the same name. Many stepmoms can relate exactly to what I’m talking about. If I was able to overcome that, then others can too.
In the process of educating myself on step dynamics, I discovered how I contributed to some of the things that went wrong. It was a blow to my pride because I always had the best of intentions. I truly cared for his kids’ wellbeing and gave my all to make it work. The thought that I should’ve done things differently was tough to grasp. Like my ex, I was clueless. I handled things based on my experiences of what worked for me elsewhere, so why didn’t it work there? Stepfamilies operate differently. Because I didn’t get that, I had to forgive myself of the things I did wrong, which was also tough for me.
A male friend once asked me how he can forgive his wife when there is no way he could stay with her. Like me and many others, applying this concept was confusing. She purposely deceived and manipulated him, on top of telling numerous lies. Nobody could blame him for being angry with her. In fact, most would feel he was righteous in his anger. However, splitting the household at that time would have caused other problems he wasn’t ready for yet. He needed to have some semblance of peace at home for the sake of his own sanity and the emotional well-being of his daughter. I suggested he try not to argue with his wife, but she would constantly bully him until he gave in and argued back. [Incessantly angry people want to argue and continually find reasons to dispute.] The yelling sometimes turned into throwing and breaking things. One night the computer got broken beyond repair. I explicated on what I meant. Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying married to her or even to still live with her. It just means find a way to not be angry with her anymore, even if he decided to continue the living arrangement.
This is challenging at best, but particularly so as long as he is still living around the dysfunction. Regardless, it would take time and lots of effort. It starts with the decision to find inner peace. The timing for this decision has to be right, for some people need to come to terms with their anger and reach a place (in mind, spirit, and time) where they are ready to release their resentment. Subsequent steps include accepting that she is mentally sick and can’t help it, monitoring one’s inner voice, and interjecting positive affirmations. A few things that helped me were developing my spirituality, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), Reiki, and dream therapy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
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