In its simplest form, forgiveness means to not feel ill-will toward somebody who wronged you. It means to not be angry at that person anymore. If you are in a relationship with that person, it also means not to bring up the wrong in future arguments. If you’re forgiving an ex, it is a step toward healing and finding closure.
Many people don’t understand why I defend my ex. When I first share personal memories, a common reaction I get is “What an a$$-hole!”
“No,” I say, “actually he is a really nice guy.”
“Then why aren’t you with him, if he’s so nice?”
“It’s a long complicated story.” Depending on the person and direction of the conversation, I may explain more. Usually, it’s not necessary. To some, I add how many loyal friends he has because of how much he’s helped them and how everybody who met him liked him immediately.
“So you’re still in love with him, huh?”
“No. Why do you say that?”
I’ve had this conversation with several people. The words vary, but the sentiment remains. It reflects a pervasive viewpoint of our society: being a victim and resenting our ex. On top of this, we naively believe that love is enough to make any relationship work. So if it doesn’t work, naturally somebody maliciously wronged the other. It is counter-intuitive to believe a relationship ended if both people were still in love with each other. It’s equally counter-intuitive to not be angry with our ex unless we’re still in love with him (her). People identify with the person they’re talking to. They hear my perspective, but filter it through their own, which includes this societal attitude. When I’m explaining what happened to me, I come across as the victim, even though it is not my intention. Because I am considered an insider to them, they naturally put themselves in my position and pass judgment on my ex, whom they consider an outsider. If/when my ex talks about our failed relationship, they probably conclude I am a bitch and he is the victim. They are insiders to him, but outsiders to me.
By no means was it easy to forgive him. It took a long time, but I was determined to get rid of my emotional baggage. I did not want to live with it. Intellectually, I could rationalize several reasons he deserved to be forgiven. Emotionally, though, it was much tougher. He hurt me deeply. Intelligence and emotions are two different parts of us. One generates from the mind; the other from the heart. People’s words and actions are a result of what they feel rather than what they think, for emotions extend deep into our subconscious. As difficult as it was to forgive him, it was 100 times more difficult to forgive the mother of his children. By the time I left, I hated the women. I despised her so bad that shivers would run down my spine whenever I heard her name mentioned, even if it was in reference to a different person with the same name. Many stepmoms can relate exactly to what I’m talking about. If I was able to overcome that, then others can too.
In the process of educating myself on step dynamics, I discovered how I contributed to some of the things that went wrong. It was a blow to my pride because I always had the best of intentions. I truly cared for his kids’ wellbeing and gave my all to make it work. The thought that I should’ve done things differently was tough to grasp. Like my ex, I was clueless. I handled things based on my experiences of what worked for me elsewhere, so why didn’t it work there? Stepfamilies operate differently. Because I didn’t get that, I had to forgive myself of the things I did wrong, which was also tough for me.
A male friend once asked me how he can forgive his wife when there is no way he could stay with her. Like me and many others, applying this concept was confusing. She purposely deceived and manipulated him, on top of telling numerous lies. Nobody could blame him for being angry with her. In fact, most would feel he was righteous in his anger. However, splitting the household at that time would have caused other problems he wasn’t ready for yet. He needed to have some semblance of peace at home for the sake of his own sanity and the emotional well-being of his daughter. I suggested he try not to argue with his wife, but she would constantly bully him until he gave in and argued back. [Incessantly angry people want to argue and continually find reasons to dispute.] The yelling sometimes turned into throwing and breaking things. One night the computer got broken beyond repair. I explicated on what I meant. Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying married to her or even to still live with her. It just means find a way to not be angry with her anymore, even if he decided to continue the living arrangement.
This is challenging at best, but particularly so as long as he is still living around the dysfunction. Regardless, it would take time and lots of effort. It starts with the decision to find inner peace. The timing for this decision has to be right, for some people need to come to terms with their anger and reach a place (in mind, spirit, and time) where they are ready to release their resentment. Subsequent steps include accepting that she is mentally sick and can’t help it, monitoring one’s inner voice, and interjecting positive affirmations. A few things that helped me were developing my spirituality, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), Reiki, and dream therapy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I am not a Victim
Once again, I was moved to tears by thinking of my last long-term relationship – my stepfamily experience as an adult. The word “mind-fuck” came to me. That’s exactly what happened – in a word. It’s been a long time since I thought of that word to describe the 2 ½ year experience. I went through a long spiritual process of forgiving everybody, including myself, and ridding myself of all resentment. This word had slipped from my thoughts until about an hour ago.
I woke up from a dream and couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind drifted to the book I’m going to write of that ordeal. The memories brought me to tears. The termination of that relationship was 2 years and 9 months ago, and it still affects me. I guess the scar doesn’t go away. Maybe it never will. The majority of the time, I am not affected and live life like an average happy person. I love to laugh, have a good time, enjoy new experiences, and the company of good friends. As long as I don’t *really* think of specific incidents during those years, all is status quo. However, I decided to write this book and now I can’t escape the memories. I think about what words I’ll use and how to describe the details without boring the reader. Mostly, how do I convey how it felt – to me - when I went through it?
The one thing I want people to realize more than anything else is I AM NOT A VICTIM! I WAS NEVER A VICTIM! I chose to be in that situation and I chose to stay. In spite of the pain, I don’t regret staying as long as I did. Nor do I regret making the decision to leave when I did. The timing was right for me to leave. I believe I would have lost my sanity if I had stayed longer. I am on peaceful terms with those decisions. Yet, that doesn’t alleviate the pain of being hurt the way I was.
I was not physically abused. Nobody called me horrible names (my ex-boyfriend’s ex aside). I was not otherwise demeaned or insulted – not in any outwardly mean way. Instead, I was constantly criticized for everything I said and did. Everything I did was wrong – because it was not the Ohio way, or not *their* way. They had this false sense that they knew the best way to do everything – and that all other ways should be changed… as if different was inferior. They thought that Cleveland water was the best in the country! LOL My way of doing things, and my perspective on most topics, did not make sense to them. They deemed me crazy and always kept me as an outsider. I was constantly defending myself, for even meaningless stuff like drinking bottled water and not believing that pets should be buried in a box/container (non biodegradable containers is like littering and not good for the earth). I understood that and didn’t expect much else from my ex’s family. What hurt the most is that he – the one person who should always have my back - shared their viewpoints.
Society gives the step parent such a hard time because we knew what we were getting into. We signed up for being a guardian to other people’s kids and the whole nine yards. True. Bio parents should be held to the same standard. My ex signed up to be with me – all of me. He liked and admired my *different* viewpoints when we were dating. I’m sure that was part of his attraction to me, as it was part of my attraction to him. So when he of all people never defended me to his family, it hurt my feelings very deeply. By not defending me, he agreed with them. I only mention a couple examples, but there are at least a few dozen more.
That alone didn’t create the mind-fuck. That’s tougher to explain. He essentially lived a lie every day we were together. He lived the lie so well that he made me believe it too. We talked numerous times. In every way I knew how, I tried to make him understand what how difficult things were for me. I made suggestions of things to change in an attempt for us to both be happy together (win-win). He resented the notion of changing on principal. He asked me why should he have to change and how could I ask him to? My answer was why should I be the only one to change? Should I only make dinner for myself? Should I not wash his son’s clothes? Those are changes I willingly made. I resented the notion that I should be the ONLY person to have to change. Why shouldn’t he change? I did… willingly.
Aside from that, most of the time he acted very understanding. He would hold my hand very tenderly, look into my eyes, and very sweetly tell me he loved me, that he understood, and that he would try harder. He made me believe it. Early in our relationship, he made me believe that he wanted to have kids with me. He continued making me believe that long after he changed his mind. Again, he told me what I wanted to hear. Maybe he was the best damn liar ever. That’s what I told the marriage counselor we saw to help us resolve issues and stay together. But, that thought nagged at me because he never came across as somebody who would intentionally hurt another person. On the contrary, he would give the shirt off his back to help a stranger. People who know him well will agree with me.
The mind-fuck didn’t stop at that. Nope. Everybody we knew wanted us to break up. Each of them had their own reason. Unbeknownst to me, a few of them were plotting behind our backs. One went through my phone text messages. People eavesdropped on me. Things I said were turned against me. Exaggerations of the truth and outright lies were told to my ex. I still don’t know most of what was said. One of the stories was the result of 2 people going through all of my personals – drawers, boxes, pictures, etc. All I knew is that he had a difficult time trusting me. For a long time, I blamed it on his ex for cheating on him. The few things I did hear, I confronted my ex. I was truthful. I had nothing to hide, so telling the truth was a no-brainer. He said he believed me, and I believed that he believed me. But, hearing the lies from multiple sources nagged at him and made him question everything – and doubt me. How could he possibly think any of those people knew me better than he did? I wasn’t chummy with them – or anybody. My closest friends were still in AZ. Even phone conversations with them – close personal friends in another state - were turned against me somehow. And, the so-called friends I had in OH turned out to be talking shit about me behind my back. Several things of mine were stolen, a few of which were returned, over the course of the couple years, including $50 out of my purse (2 months before I left).
At the time I left OH, I was paranoid to speak in my own home. I always wanted to look over my shoulder (literally and metaphorically) to see if somebody was eavesdropping. I was leery about talking to anybody. I didn’t know who to trust. The feeling was constant – followed me everywhere I went. You would think this would automatically go away after being in a different environment, but it didn’t. It took me the better part of a few years and a ton of soul-searching to feel comfortable sharing anything personal with anybody – even things remotely personal.
I guess it’s good that I didn’t know the extent of what people were doing behind my back and what they were saying. Similarly, I’m glad I didn’t find out the worst of it until I was ready to leave. Otherwise, I may have decided to leave earlier, or may have gone insane. It’s tough to say. As it is, I’m here and well. I love my life and wouldn’t change it for anything. I’ll never be able to say I didn’t learn anything. If anything, my life has been educational and emotionally adventuresome.
A few more words on not being a victim. It took a lot of time and effort for me to figure out how I contributed to the dysfunction. My state of mind when I entered the relationship had a lot to do with it, as well as the Law of Karma. I fully believe he had good intentions as I did. We were just clueless about how to handle step situations, and other things. Part of the problem was that we couldn’t see the forest through the trees. When I was there, I repeatedly re-evaluated the situation. Each time, I re-established my decision to stay. Others in similar situations may not have seen all the options or even have known they had options. Hence, some see themselves as a victim. If the choice is not conscientious, it is a choice nonetheless. I, on the other hand, conscientiously made the decision to stay, repeatedly, until I decided to leave. None of that makes the aftermath easier. I am a different person because of that experience – a better person. I chose to overcome it and learn from it. I also want others to benefit from it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
I woke up from a dream and couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind drifted to the book I’m going to write of that ordeal. The memories brought me to tears. The termination of that relationship was 2 years and 9 months ago, and it still affects me. I guess the scar doesn’t go away. Maybe it never will. The majority of the time, I am not affected and live life like an average happy person. I love to laugh, have a good time, enjoy new experiences, and the company of good friends. As long as I don’t *really* think of specific incidents during those years, all is status quo. However, I decided to write this book and now I can’t escape the memories. I think about what words I’ll use and how to describe the details without boring the reader. Mostly, how do I convey how it felt – to me - when I went through it?
The one thing I want people to realize more than anything else is I AM NOT A VICTIM! I WAS NEVER A VICTIM! I chose to be in that situation and I chose to stay. In spite of the pain, I don’t regret staying as long as I did. Nor do I regret making the decision to leave when I did. The timing was right for me to leave. I believe I would have lost my sanity if I had stayed longer. I am on peaceful terms with those decisions. Yet, that doesn’t alleviate the pain of being hurt the way I was.
I was not physically abused. Nobody called me horrible names (my ex-boyfriend’s ex aside). I was not otherwise demeaned or insulted – not in any outwardly mean way. Instead, I was constantly criticized for everything I said and did. Everything I did was wrong – because it was not the Ohio way, or not *their* way. They had this false sense that they knew the best way to do everything – and that all other ways should be changed… as if different was inferior. They thought that Cleveland water was the best in the country! LOL My way of doing things, and my perspective on most topics, did not make sense to them. They deemed me crazy and always kept me as an outsider. I was constantly defending myself, for even meaningless stuff like drinking bottled water and not believing that pets should be buried in a box/container (non biodegradable containers is like littering and not good for the earth). I understood that and didn’t expect much else from my ex’s family. What hurt the most is that he – the one person who should always have my back - shared their viewpoints.
Society gives the step parent such a hard time because we knew what we were getting into. We signed up for being a guardian to other people’s kids and the whole nine yards. True. Bio parents should be held to the same standard. My ex signed up to be with me – all of me. He liked and admired my *different* viewpoints when we were dating. I’m sure that was part of his attraction to me, as it was part of my attraction to him. So when he of all people never defended me to his family, it hurt my feelings very deeply. By not defending me, he agreed with them. I only mention a couple examples, but there are at least a few dozen more.
That alone didn’t create the mind-fuck. That’s tougher to explain. He essentially lived a lie every day we were together. He lived the lie so well that he made me believe it too. We talked numerous times. In every way I knew how, I tried to make him understand what how difficult things were for me. I made suggestions of things to change in an attempt for us to both be happy together (win-win). He resented the notion of changing on principal. He asked me why should he have to change and how could I ask him to? My answer was why should I be the only one to change? Should I only make dinner for myself? Should I not wash his son’s clothes? Those are changes I willingly made. I resented the notion that I should be the ONLY person to have to change. Why shouldn’t he change? I did… willingly.
Aside from that, most of the time he acted very understanding. He would hold my hand very tenderly, look into my eyes, and very sweetly tell me he loved me, that he understood, and that he would try harder. He made me believe it. Early in our relationship, he made me believe that he wanted to have kids with me. He continued making me believe that long after he changed his mind. Again, he told me what I wanted to hear. Maybe he was the best damn liar ever. That’s what I told the marriage counselor we saw to help us resolve issues and stay together. But, that thought nagged at me because he never came across as somebody who would intentionally hurt another person. On the contrary, he would give the shirt off his back to help a stranger. People who know him well will agree with me.
The mind-fuck didn’t stop at that. Nope. Everybody we knew wanted us to break up. Each of them had their own reason. Unbeknownst to me, a few of them were plotting behind our backs. One went through my phone text messages. People eavesdropped on me. Things I said were turned against me. Exaggerations of the truth and outright lies were told to my ex. I still don’t know most of what was said. One of the stories was the result of 2 people going through all of my personals – drawers, boxes, pictures, etc. All I knew is that he had a difficult time trusting me. For a long time, I blamed it on his ex for cheating on him. The few things I did hear, I confronted my ex. I was truthful. I had nothing to hide, so telling the truth was a no-brainer. He said he believed me, and I believed that he believed me. But, hearing the lies from multiple sources nagged at him and made him question everything – and doubt me. How could he possibly think any of those people knew me better than he did? I wasn’t chummy with them – or anybody. My closest friends were still in AZ. Even phone conversations with them – close personal friends in another state - were turned against me somehow. And, the so-called friends I had in OH turned out to be talking shit about me behind my back. Several things of mine were stolen, a few of which were returned, over the course of the couple years, including $50 out of my purse (2 months before I left).
At the time I left OH, I was paranoid to speak in my own home. I always wanted to look over my shoulder (literally and metaphorically) to see if somebody was eavesdropping. I was leery about talking to anybody. I didn’t know who to trust. The feeling was constant – followed me everywhere I went. You would think this would automatically go away after being in a different environment, but it didn’t. It took me the better part of a few years and a ton of soul-searching to feel comfortable sharing anything personal with anybody – even things remotely personal.
I guess it’s good that I didn’t know the extent of what people were doing behind my back and what they were saying. Similarly, I’m glad I didn’t find out the worst of it until I was ready to leave. Otherwise, I may have decided to leave earlier, or may have gone insane. It’s tough to say. As it is, I’m here and well. I love my life and wouldn’t change it for anything. I’ll never be able to say I didn’t learn anything. If anything, my life has been educational and emotionally adventuresome.
A few more words on not being a victim. It took a lot of time and effort for me to figure out how I contributed to the dysfunction. My state of mind when I entered the relationship had a lot to do with it, as well as the Law of Karma. I fully believe he had good intentions as I did. We were just clueless about how to handle step situations, and other things. Part of the problem was that we couldn’t see the forest through the trees. When I was there, I repeatedly re-evaluated the situation. Each time, I re-established my decision to stay. Others in similar situations may not have seen all the options or even have known they had options. Hence, some see themselves as a victim. If the choice is not conscientious, it is a choice nonetheless. I, on the other hand, conscientiously made the decision to stay, repeatedly, until I decided to leave. None of that makes the aftermath easier. I am a different person because of that experience – a better person. I chose to overcome it and learn from it. I also want others to benefit from it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
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