In its simplest form, forgiveness means to not feel ill-will toward somebody who wronged you. It means to not be angry at that person anymore. If you are in a relationship with that person, it also means not to bring up the wrong in future arguments. If you’re forgiving an ex, it is a step toward healing and finding closure.
Many people don’t understand why I defend my ex. When I first share personal memories, a common reaction I get is “What an a$$-hole!”
“No,” I say, “actually he is a really nice guy.”
“Then why aren’t you with him, if he’s so nice?”
“It’s a long complicated story.” Depending on the person and direction of the conversation, I may explain more. Usually, it’s not necessary. To some, I add how many loyal friends he has because of how much he’s helped them and how everybody who met him liked him immediately.
“So you’re still in love with him, huh?”
“No. Why do you say that?”
I’ve had this conversation with several people. The words vary, but the sentiment remains. It reflects a pervasive viewpoint of our society: being a victim and resenting our ex. On top of this, we naively believe that love is enough to make any relationship work. So if it doesn’t work, naturally somebody maliciously wronged the other. It is counter-intuitive to believe a relationship ended if both people were still in love with each other. It’s equally counter-intuitive to not be angry with our ex unless we’re still in love with him (her). People identify with the person they’re talking to. They hear my perspective, but filter it through their own, which includes this societal attitude. When I’m explaining what happened to me, I come across as the victim, even though it is not my intention. Because I am considered an insider to them, they naturally put themselves in my position and pass judgment on my ex, whom they consider an outsider. If/when my ex talks about our failed relationship, they probably conclude I am a bitch and he is the victim. They are insiders to him, but outsiders to me.
By no means was it easy to forgive him. It took a long time, but I was determined to get rid of my emotional baggage. I did not want to live with it. Intellectually, I could rationalize several reasons he deserved to be forgiven. Emotionally, though, it was much tougher. He hurt me deeply. Intelligence and emotions are two different parts of us. One generates from the mind; the other from the heart. People’s words and actions are a result of what they feel rather than what they think, for emotions extend deep into our subconscious. As difficult as it was to forgive him, it was 100 times more difficult to forgive the mother of his children. By the time I left, I hated the women. I despised her so bad that shivers would run down my spine whenever I heard her name mentioned, even if it was in reference to a different person with the same name. Many stepmoms can relate exactly to what I’m talking about. If I was able to overcome that, then others can too.
In the process of educating myself on step dynamics, I discovered how I contributed to some of the things that went wrong. It was a blow to my pride because I always had the best of intentions. I truly cared for his kids’ wellbeing and gave my all to make it work. The thought that I should’ve done things differently was tough to grasp. Like my ex, I was clueless. I handled things based on my experiences of what worked for me elsewhere, so why didn’t it work there? Stepfamilies operate differently. Because I didn’t get that, I had to forgive myself of the things I did wrong, which was also tough for me.
A male friend once asked me how he can forgive his wife when there is no way he could stay with her. Like me and many others, applying this concept was confusing. She purposely deceived and manipulated him, on top of telling numerous lies. Nobody could blame him for being angry with her. In fact, most would feel he was righteous in his anger. However, splitting the household at that time would have caused other problems he wasn’t ready for yet. He needed to have some semblance of peace at home for the sake of his own sanity and the emotional well-being of his daughter. I suggested he try not to argue with his wife, but she would constantly bully him until he gave in and argued back. [Incessantly angry people want to argue and continually find reasons to dispute.] The yelling sometimes turned into throwing and breaking things. One night the computer got broken beyond repair. I explicated on what I meant. Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying married to her or even to still live with her. It just means find a way to not be angry with her anymore, even if he decided to continue the living arrangement.
This is challenging at best, but particularly so as long as he is still living around the dysfunction. Regardless, it would take time and lots of effort. It starts with the decision to find inner peace. The timing for this decision has to be right, for some people need to come to terms with their anger and reach a place (in mind, spirit, and time) where they are ready to release their resentment. Subsequent steps include accepting that she is mentally sick and can’t help it, monitoring one’s inner voice, and interjecting positive affirmations. A few things that helped me were developing my spirituality, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), Reiki, and dream therapy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Showing posts with label Outsider vs. Insider. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Outsider vs. Insider. Show all posts
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I rediscovered my why in a Jerry Maguire Moment
I didn’t write a new Mission Statement or a memo but it was a Jerry Maguire moment. In the wee hours of the morning, not able to fall back to sleep, I became my mom’s daughter again. My conscious and subconscious came together; in a touchy-feely minute, I reaffirmed my reasons for starting Sensible Steps, LLC.
To date, the best compliment I ever received is when a client told me I was helping him to become a better person through my coaching. That comment in itself inspires me to continue. But that doesn’t explain why I started my company. I want to save other couples from making the same mistakes I did. I would like couples who are truly in love to be able to resolve challenges that are pulling them apart. Little is understood about the uniqueness of stepfamilies. People fall back on what they know – first families. For the half of first families who fail, their skills in healthy relationships may be lacking (something). Or maybe they are in the relationship for the wrong reason, or the wrong time. Whatever the reason, the baggage that comes with break-ups makes the next relationship more challenging, whether the baggage is emotional, an ex-spouse, or children. It helps to talk to somebody who knows how to work through those issues, or at least understand what you went through. It would’ve helped me and my (now) ex-boyfriend.
After I moved south, we were going to make one last effort to make “us” work. I started educating myself on stepfamilies and became a Certified Stepfamily Coach through The Stepfamily Foundation. He was planning on relocating to be with me. Naturally, I had hoped he’d bring his son with him. That’s another story.
We still had many issues to work through, aside from stepfamily issues. I made it clear that they had to come first. Part of my task was separating our problems into 2 categories: step-related problems and other. The “other” things were pretty major. He had not legally divorced his wife for starters. “I’m psychologically divorced,” he would tell me, “so why should the courts tell me I am? How dare they tell me how to raise my son in those mandatory classes?” This argument sounded absurd to everybody except him. From a clinical perspective, it is a cover-up – a cop-out. That piece of paper represented the very things he couldn’t handle – failure as a husband, father, Catholic – as a person. He criticized me, my sisters, and others who got “divorced”. He perpetuated its stigma. His co-dependency was another HUGE issue. I wasn’t able to pinpoint that until after I left. (I guess the forest was too thick to see through the trees.) I was not the right person to help him understand and overcome that. Even if I was, he was not ready. The final HUGE issue was discipline. His son needed to be held accountable for obeying rules. I got to the point of not caring what the rules were, as long as my ex could enforce them. (Truly, I told him the rules could be as absurd as a 2 AM bed-time on a school night, as long as he could enforce it.) His deep-seated fear, guilt, and resentment affected him in major ways. In order to have a healthy relationship, he would need to like himself again. Finally, there was his marijuana use. I wasn’t sure what I’d do about that. But, if we could get past everything else, I rationalized a new environment and new friends may be a positive influence. Needless to say, all of that was too tall an order and he was not willing to seek professional guidance. We ended the trial about 1 year after I left OH.
Among other things, I was concerned for his youngest son. Even though we never became a cohesive family, we had grown accustomed to each other. I knew his son relied on me to fix him something to eat when he came home from school and ensure he had clean clothes to wear to school. Plus, he didn’t like being alone. He knew he could rely on me. I knew the effects of serial relationships on children. Another separation would increase his chances of getting divorced when he matures. It would probably mean more unhealthy relationships, possibly even with friends. On the other hand, his father and I didn’t have a healthy relationship anyway. I had hoped we’d be able to figure it out though. At the least, he should know that his father and I truly loved each other and earnestly tried to make it work. Each of us did the best we could, but it wasn’t good enough.
Thinking about all of this made me realize (again) the importance of being in a respectful supportive environment that helps you to thrive… encourage you to improve… take chances because somebody will be there to help you up if you fall… listen to you… make you feel needed and wanted. In romantic or familial relationships, Love is also important, but not necessary or practical in step family relationships.
This - a healthy home environment – is what I desire for all families. Statistically, there are more stepfamilies than first families. Roughly 25% (depending on varying sources) stay together. Of those, it is said to take an average of 7-10 years before the step members feel comfortable as a stepfamily – to feel somewhat cohesive. These are scary statistics when you think about it. Factor in the prevalence of other common social problems (learning disabilities, behavioral disorders, addiction, depression, adultery, unemployment), and it stands to reason there would be an overlap. To wit, there is a high percentage of stepfamilies dealing with common social problems and trying to stay together – and stay sane. The odds of making it are not in their favor. At the least, I am striving to improve the odds. At most, I am instilling peace and fostering healthy home environments, one stepfamily at a time.
Being in an unhealthy relationship can kill you – on the inside – your spirit – that which makes you “you”. It could be a slow death. A few possible effects are depression, numbness, addiction, bitterness, anger, feeling of being a victim, resentment. A person who dies on the inside is incapable of loving others. That person has lost sight of the joys of life – of what is good and meaningful. Think of how that would affect this person’s parenting or work performance. Children or co-workers would be exposed to this person’s drab demeanor. Instead of spreading contagious smiles or laughter, they would bring people down. We all know somebody we try to avoid because they are not happy… and those we can’t help but to like because they make us laugh, act silly, or are just plain nice.
Simply put, I have an opportunity to make the world brighter. Smiling and listening to people is only one way. God gave me a gift. Not only do I truly like people, especially kids, but I enjoy getting to know them. God also gave me the gift of my experiences, even the painful ones, to learn from. That is why I passionately want to be a Stepfamily Coach.
Not all stepfamilies are the same. Each one is special in its own way. Therefore, one approach will not work with them all. Luckily, there are many Stepfamily Professionals to choose from. Thank goodness most stepfamilies don’t experience the level of dysfunction of mine! A few are worse, but most are milder. My history gives me a broader spectrum of family situations I can address. I know how it feels to constantly be an outsider instead of an insider to your new family. I know what it is like to feel totally alone… to not have anybody who understands what you’re going through… to not have anybody to confide in… to still want to make the most of your situation… still want to do the right thing, but be torn… afraid to get too close to the kids to save them agony if it doesn’t work out… feel frustrated because everything is out of your control… to genuinely care for people who don’t understand you and are not willing to try. I want to give people in this situation a way out – freedom – a way to regain control (real and perceived) – empowerment. Doing that for even one person or family is personally rewarding.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
To date, the best compliment I ever received is when a client told me I was helping him to become a better person through my coaching. That comment in itself inspires me to continue. But that doesn’t explain why I started my company. I want to save other couples from making the same mistakes I did. I would like couples who are truly in love to be able to resolve challenges that are pulling them apart. Little is understood about the uniqueness of stepfamilies. People fall back on what they know – first families. For the half of first families who fail, their skills in healthy relationships may be lacking (something). Or maybe they are in the relationship for the wrong reason, or the wrong time. Whatever the reason, the baggage that comes with break-ups makes the next relationship more challenging, whether the baggage is emotional, an ex-spouse, or children. It helps to talk to somebody who knows how to work through those issues, or at least understand what you went through. It would’ve helped me and my (now) ex-boyfriend.
After I moved south, we were going to make one last effort to make “us” work. I started educating myself on stepfamilies and became a Certified Stepfamily Coach through The Stepfamily Foundation. He was planning on relocating to be with me. Naturally, I had hoped he’d bring his son with him. That’s another story.
We still had many issues to work through, aside from stepfamily issues. I made it clear that they had to come first. Part of my task was separating our problems into 2 categories: step-related problems and other. The “other” things were pretty major. He had not legally divorced his wife for starters. “I’m psychologically divorced,” he would tell me, “so why should the courts tell me I am? How dare they tell me how to raise my son in those mandatory classes?” This argument sounded absurd to everybody except him. From a clinical perspective, it is a cover-up – a cop-out. That piece of paper represented the very things he couldn’t handle – failure as a husband, father, Catholic – as a person. He criticized me, my sisters, and others who got “divorced”. He perpetuated its stigma. His co-dependency was another HUGE issue. I wasn’t able to pinpoint that until after I left. (I guess the forest was too thick to see through the trees.) I was not the right person to help him understand and overcome that. Even if I was, he was not ready. The final HUGE issue was discipline. His son needed to be held accountable for obeying rules. I got to the point of not caring what the rules were, as long as my ex could enforce them. (Truly, I told him the rules could be as absurd as a 2 AM bed-time on a school night, as long as he could enforce it.) His deep-seated fear, guilt, and resentment affected him in major ways. In order to have a healthy relationship, he would need to like himself again. Finally, there was his marijuana use. I wasn’t sure what I’d do about that. But, if we could get past everything else, I rationalized a new environment and new friends may be a positive influence. Needless to say, all of that was too tall an order and he was not willing to seek professional guidance. We ended the trial about 1 year after I left OH.
Among other things, I was concerned for his youngest son. Even though we never became a cohesive family, we had grown accustomed to each other. I knew his son relied on me to fix him something to eat when he came home from school and ensure he had clean clothes to wear to school. Plus, he didn’t like being alone. He knew he could rely on me. I knew the effects of serial relationships on children. Another separation would increase his chances of getting divorced when he matures. It would probably mean more unhealthy relationships, possibly even with friends. On the other hand, his father and I didn’t have a healthy relationship anyway. I had hoped we’d be able to figure it out though. At the least, he should know that his father and I truly loved each other and earnestly tried to make it work. Each of us did the best we could, but it wasn’t good enough.
Thinking about all of this made me realize (again) the importance of being in a respectful supportive environment that helps you to thrive… encourage you to improve… take chances because somebody will be there to help you up if you fall… listen to you… make you feel needed and wanted. In romantic or familial relationships, Love is also important, but not necessary or practical in step family relationships.
This - a healthy home environment – is what I desire for all families. Statistically, there are more stepfamilies than first families. Roughly 25% (depending on varying sources) stay together. Of those, it is said to take an average of 7-10 years before the step members feel comfortable as a stepfamily – to feel somewhat cohesive. These are scary statistics when you think about it. Factor in the prevalence of other common social problems (learning disabilities, behavioral disorders, addiction, depression, adultery, unemployment), and it stands to reason there would be an overlap. To wit, there is a high percentage of stepfamilies dealing with common social problems and trying to stay together – and stay sane. The odds of making it are not in their favor. At the least, I am striving to improve the odds. At most, I am instilling peace and fostering healthy home environments, one stepfamily at a time.
Being in an unhealthy relationship can kill you – on the inside – your spirit – that which makes you “you”. It could be a slow death. A few possible effects are depression, numbness, addiction, bitterness, anger, feeling of being a victim, resentment. A person who dies on the inside is incapable of loving others. That person has lost sight of the joys of life – of what is good and meaningful. Think of how that would affect this person’s parenting or work performance. Children or co-workers would be exposed to this person’s drab demeanor. Instead of spreading contagious smiles or laughter, they would bring people down. We all know somebody we try to avoid because they are not happy… and those we can’t help but to like because they make us laugh, act silly, or are just plain nice.
Simply put, I have an opportunity to make the world brighter. Smiling and listening to people is only one way. God gave me a gift. Not only do I truly like people, especially kids, but I enjoy getting to know them. God also gave me the gift of my experiences, even the painful ones, to learn from. That is why I passionately want to be a Stepfamily Coach.
Not all stepfamilies are the same. Each one is special in its own way. Therefore, one approach will not work with them all. Luckily, there are many Stepfamily Professionals to choose from. Thank goodness most stepfamilies don’t experience the level of dysfunction of mine! A few are worse, but most are milder. My history gives me a broader spectrum of family situations I can address. I know how it feels to constantly be an outsider instead of an insider to your new family. I know what it is like to feel totally alone… to not have anybody who understands what you’re going through… to not have anybody to confide in… to still want to make the most of your situation… still want to do the right thing, but be torn… afraid to get too close to the kids to save them agony if it doesn’t work out… feel frustrated because everything is out of your control… to genuinely care for people who don’t understand you and are not willing to try. I want to give people in this situation a way out – freedom – a way to regain control (real and perceived) – empowerment. Doing that for even one person or family is personally rewarding.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I am not a Victim
Once again, I was moved to tears by thinking of my last long-term relationship – my stepfamily experience as an adult. The word “mind-fuck” came to me. That’s exactly what happened – in a word. It’s been a long time since I thought of that word to describe the 2 ½ year experience. I went through a long spiritual process of forgiving everybody, including myself, and ridding myself of all resentment. This word had slipped from my thoughts until about an hour ago.
I woke up from a dream and couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind drifted to the book I’m going to write of that ordeal. The memories brought me to tears. The termination of that relationship was 2 years and 9 months ago, and it still affects me. I guess the scar doesn’t go away. Maybe it never will. The majority of the time, I am not affected and live life like an average happy person. I love to laugh, have a good time, enjoy new experiences, and the company of good friends. As long as I don’t *really* think of specific incidents during those years, all is status quo. However, I decided to write this book and now I can’t escape the memories. I think about what words I’ll use and how to describe the details without boring the reader. Mostly, how do I convey how it felt – to me - when I went through it?
The one thing I want people to realize more than anything else is I AM NOT A VICTIM! I WAS NEVER A VICTIM! I chose to be in that situation and I chose to stay. In spite of the pain, I don’t regret staying as long as I did. Nor do I regret making the decision to leave when I did. The timing was right for me to leave. I believe I would have lost my sanity if I had stayed longer. I am on peaceful terms with those decisions. Yet, that doesn’t alleviate the pain of being hurt the way I was.
I was not physically abused. Nobody called me horrible names (my ex-boyfriend’s ex aside). I was not otherwise demeaned or insulted – not in any outwardly mean way. Instead, I was constantly criticized for everything I said and did. Everything I did was wrong – because it was not the Ohio way, or not *their* way. They had this false sense that they knew the best way to do everything – and that all other ways should be changed… as if different was inferior. They thought that Cleveland water was the best in the country! LOL My way of doing things, and my perspective on most topics, did not make sense to them. They deemed me crazy and always kept me as an outsider. I was constantly defending myself, for even meaningless stuff like drinking bottled water and not believing that pets should be buried in a box/container (non biodegradable containers is like littering and not good for the earth). I understood that and didn’t expect much else from my ex’s family. What hurt the most is that he – the one person who should always have my back - shared their viewpoints.
Society gives the step parent such a hard time because we knew what we were getting into. We signed up for being a guardian to other people’s kids and the whole nine yards. True. Bio parents should be held to the same standard. My ex signed up to be with me – all of me. He liked and admired my *different* viewpoints when we were dating. I’m sure that was part of his attraction to me, as it was part of my attraction to him. So when he of all people never defended me to his family, it hurt my feelings very deeply. By not defending me, he agreed with them. I only mention a couple examples, but there are at least a few dozen more.
That alone didn’t create the mind-fuck. That’s tougher to explain. He essentially lived a lie every day we were together. He lived the lie so well that he made me believe it too. We talked numerous times. In every way I knew how, I tried to make him understand what how difficult things were for me. I made suggestions of things to change in an attempt for us to both be happy together (win-win). He resented the notion of changing on principal. He asked me why should he have to change and how could I ask him to? My answer was why should I be the only one to change? Should I only make dinner for myself? Should I not wash his son’s clothes? Those are changes I willingly made. I resented the notion that I should be the ONLY person to have to change. Why shouldn’t he change? I did… willingly.
Aside from that, most of the time he acted very understanding. He would hold my hand very tenderly, look into my eyes, and very sweetly tell me he loved me, that he understood, and that he would try harder. He made me believe it. Early in our relationship, he made me believe that he wanted to have kids with me. He continued making me believe that long after he changed his mind. Again, he told me what I wanted to hear. Maybe he was the best damn liar ever. That’s what I told the marriage counselor we saw to help us resolve issues and stay together. But, that thought nagged at me because he never came across as somebody who would intentionally hurt another person. On the contrary, he would give the shirt off his back to help a stranger. People who know him well will agree with me.
The mind-fuck didn’t stop at that. Nope. Everybody we knew wanted us to break up. Each of them had their own reason. Unbeknownst to me, a few of them were plotting behind our backs. One went through my phone text messages. People eavesdropped on me. Things I said were turned against me. Exaggerations of the truth and outright lies were told to my ex. I still don’t know most of what was said. One of the stories was the result of 2 people going through all of my personals – drawers, boxes, pictures, etc. All I knew is that he had a difficult time trusting me. For a long time, I blamed it on his ex for cheating on him. The few things I did hear, I confronted my ex. I was truthful. I had nothing to hide, so telling the truth was a no-brainer. He said he believed me, and I believed that he believed me. But, hearing the lies from multiple sources nagged at him and made him question everything – and doubt me. How could he possibly think any of those people knew me better than he did? I wasn’t chummy with them – or anybody. My closest friends were still in AZ. Even phone conversations with them – close personal friends in another state - were turned against me somehow. And, the so-called friends I had in OH turned out to be talking shit about me behind my back. Several things of mine were stolen, a few of which were returned, over the course of the couple years, including $50 out of my purse (2 months before I left).
At the time I left OH, I was paranoid to speak in my own home. I always wanted to look over my shoulder (literally and metaphorically) to see if somebody was eavesdropping. I was leery about talking to anybody. I didn’t know who to trust. The feeling was constant – followed me everywhere I went. You would think this would automatically go away after being in a different environment, but it didn’t. It took me the better part of a few years and a ton of soul-searching to feel comfortable sharing anything personal with anybody – even things remotely personal.
I guess it’s good that I didn’t know the extent of what people were doing behind my back and what they were saying. Similarly, I’m glad I didn’t find out the worst of it until I was ready to leave. Otherwise, I may have decided to leave earlier, or may have gone insane. It’s tough to say. As it is, I’m here and well. I love my life and wouldn’t change it for anything. I’ll never be able to say I didn’t learn anything. If anything, my life has been educational and emotionally adventuresome.
A few more words on not being a victim. It took a lot of time and effort for me to figure out how I contributed to the dysfunction. My state of mind when I entered the relationship had a lot to do with it, as well as the Law of Karma. I fully believe he had good intentions as I did. We were just clueless about how to handle step situations, and other things. Part of the problem was that we couldn’t see the forest through the trees. When I was there, I repeatedly re-evaluated the situation. Each time, I re-established my decision to stay. Others in similar situations may not have seen all the options or even have known they had options. Hence, some see themselves as a victim. If the choice is not conscientious, it is a choice nonetheless. I, on the other hand, conscientiously made the decision to stay, repeatedly, until I decided to leave. None of that makes the aftermath easier. I am a different person because of that experience – a better person. I chose to overcome it and learn from it. I also want others to benefit from it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
I woke up from a dream and couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind drifted to the book I’m going to write of that ordeal. The memories brought me to tears. The termination of that relationship was 2 years and 9 months ago, and it still affects me. I guess the scar doesn’t go away. Maybe it never will. The majority of the time, I am not affected and live life like an average happy person. I love to laugh, have a good time, enjoy new experiences, and the company of good friends. As long as I don’t *really* think of specific incidents during those years, all is status quo. However, I decided to write this book and now I can’t escape the memories. I think about what words I’ll use and how to describe the details without boring the reader. Mostly, how do I convey how it felt – to me - when I went through it?
The one thing I want people to realize more than anything else is I AM NOT A VICTIM! I WAS NEVER A VICTIM! I chose to be in that situation and I chose to stay. In spite of the pain, I don’t regret staying as long as I did. Nor do I regret making the decision to leave when I did. The timing was right for me to leave. I believe I would have lost my sanity if I had stayed longer. I am on peaceful terms with those decisions. Yet, that doesn’t alleviate the pain of being hurt the way I was.
I was not physically abused. Nobody called me horrible names (my ex-boyfriend’s ex aside). I was not otherwise demeaned or insulted – not in any outwardly mean way. Instead, I was constantly criticized for everything I said and did. Everything I did was wrong – because it was not the Ohio way, or not *their* way. They had this false sense that they knew the best way to do everything – and that all other ways should be changed… as if different was inferior. They thought that Cleveland water was the best in the country! LOL My way of doing things, and my perspective on most topics, did not make sense to them. They deemed me crazy and always kept me as an outsider. I was constantly defending myself, for even meaningless stuff like drinking bottled water and not believing that pets should be buried in a box/container (non biodegradable containers is like littering and not good for the earth). I understood that and didn’t expect much else from my ex’s family. What hurt the most is that he – the one person who should always have my back - shared their viewpoints.
Society gives the step parent such a hard time because we knew what we were getting into. We signed up for being a guardian to other people’s kids and the whole nine yards. True. Bio parents should be held to the same standard. My ex signed up to be with me – all of me. He liked and admired my *different* viewpoints when we were dating. I’m sure that was part of his attraction to me, as it was part of my attraction to him. So when he of all people never defended me to his family, it hurt my feelings very deeply. By not defending me, he agreed with them. I only mention a couple examples, but there are at least a few dozen more.
That alone didn’t create the mind-fuck. That’s tougher to explain. He essentially lived a lie every day we were together. He lived the lie so well that he made me believe it too. We talked numerous times. In every way I knew how, I tried to make him understand what how difficult things were for me. I made suggestions of things to change in an attempt for us to both be happy together (win-win). He resented the notion of changing on principal. He asked me why should he have to change and how could I ask him to? My answer was why should I be the only one to change? Should I only make dinner for myself? Should I not wash his son’s clothes? Those are changes I willingly made. I resented the notion that I should be the ONLY person to have to change. Why shouldn’t he change? I did… willingly.
Aside from that, most of the time he acted very understanding. He would hold my hand very tenderly, look into my eyes, and very sweetly tell me he loved me, that he understood, and that he would try harder. He made me believe it. Early in our relationship, he made me believe that he wanted to have kids with me. He continued making me believe that long after he changed his mind. Again, he told me what I wanted to hear. Maybe he was the best damn liar ever. That’s what I told the marriage counselor we saw to help us resolve issues and stay together. But, that thought nagged at me because he never came across as somebody who would intentionally hurt another person. On the contrary, he would give the shirt off his back to help a stranger. People who know him well will agree with me.
The mind-fuck didn’t stop at that. Nope. Everybody we knew wanted us to break up. Each of them had their own reason. Unbeknownst to me, a few of them were plotting behind our backs. One went through my phone text messages. People eavesdropped on me. Things I said were turned against me. Exaggerations of the truth and outright lies were told to my ex. I still don’t know most of what was said. One of the stories was the result of 2 people going through all of my personals – drawers, boxes, pictures, etc. All I knew is that he had a difficult time trusting me. For a long time, I blamed it on his ex for cheating on him. The few things I did hear, I confronted my ex. I was truthful. I had nothing to hide, so telling the truth was a no-brainer. He said he believed me, and I believed that he believed me. But, hearing the lies from multiple sources nagged at him and made him question everything – and doubt me. How could he possibly think any of those people knew me better than he did? I wasn’t chummy with them – or anybody. My closest friends were still in AZ. Even phone conversations with them – close personal friends in another state - were turned against me somehow. And, the so-called friends I had in OH turned out to be talking shit about me behind my back. Several things of mine were stolen, a few of which were returned, over the course of the couple years, including $50 out of my purse (2 months before I left).
At the time I left OH, I was paranoid to speak in my own home. I always wanted to look over my shoulder (literally and metaphorically) to see if somebody was eavesdropping. I was leery about talking to anybody. I didn’t know who to trust. The feeling was constant – followed me everywhere I went. You would think this would automatically go away after being in a different environment, but it didn’t. It took me the better part of a few years and a ton of soul-searching to feel comfortable sharing anything personal with anybody – even things remotely personal.
I guess it’s good that I didn’t know the extent of what people were doing behind my back and what they were saying. Similarly, I’m glad I didn’t find out the worst of it until I was ready to leave. Otherwise, I may have decided to leave earlier, or may have gone insane. It’s tough to say. As it is, I’m here and well. I love my life and wouldn’t change it for anything. I’ll never be able to say I didn’t learn anything. If anything, my life has been educational and emotionally adventuresome.
A few more words on not being a victim. It took a lot of time and effort for me to figure out how I contributed to the dysfunction. My state of mind when I entered the relationship had a lot to do with it, as well as the Law of Karma. I fully believe he had good intentions as I did. We were just clueless about how to handle step situations, and other things. Part of the problem was that we couldn’t see the forest through the trees. When I was there, I repeatedly re-evaluated the situation. Each time, I re-established my decision to stay. Others in similar situations may not have seen all the options or even have known they had options. Hence, some see themselves as a victim. If the choice is not conscientious, it is a choice nonetheless. I, on the other hand, conscientiously made the decision to stay, repeatedly, until I decided to leave. None of that makes the aftermath easier. I am a different person because of that experience – a better person. I chose to overcome it and learn from it. I also want others to benefit from it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Friday, March 27, 2009
Tele-class on improving relations as a stepparent was a success
Thank you to all who attended Thursday night's tele-class. Susan Epstein of Parenting Powers asked some great questions and contributed a stepfamily story of her own.
Below are a few of the things I talked about:
1) How fairy tales, books, and movies inaccuracy depict step families (AKA blended families).
They either portray the stepfamily as one in which they overcome many problems and then live "happily ever after"; Or the step parent, and sometimes step siblings, are "evil". In this scenario, the stepfamily member usually ends up leaving the family by the end of the story, or she/he gets offed. And that is considered a GOOD thing!
These portrayals of stepfamilies are profoundly offbase to say the least. Unfortunately, they contribute to the confusion and misconceptions that pervade our society. In fact, many children fear getting a stepmom because they hold on to this fallacious notion that she will be mean. Furthermore, many women who become stepmothers are ALSO intensely concerned about having the title of "stepmother". They detest the title so much that they go above and beyond the usual motherly acts with the hope and expectation of overcoming this wicked stereotype.
In reality, the vast majority of step parents have only good intentions. They make sincere efforts to do the right thing. However, their words and deeds do not elicit the result they expect, even though the exact same words and deeds would only have a positive result in a first-time biological family. The main reason for this difference is that first-time families are borne out of happiness and bliss, whereas step families are borne out of the many unfavorable emotions related to divorce.
I mentioned a few emotions that children often feel after the divorce, and how these emotions are manifested through ill-manners and misbehaviors. I also mentioned a few things step parents can do about these situations to possibly minimize the effect.
2) The terms "stepfamily" and "blended family" are synonymous, but I prefer the former term.
A copy of my published article, "Blended Family? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts" was on-hand for all attendees.
3) Stepparents should NOT take anything personal. Nothing the kids say is about you.
Each person in the family is mourning the loss of the original family. Parents stop mourning this loss a lot sooner than children. They fall in love with another person and get married. Instead of having a honeymoon phase like in their first marriage, they have an instant family to manage. Children have usually not fallen in love with the step parent when the family unites into 1 house as a step (blended) family. This adversely affects their opinion of the stepparent, as well as everything the stepparent does. Even if the child says he/she hates you or disobeys you, remember that it is NOT ABOUT YOU. The child is really expressing how he feels about his/her new environment and family. Still, this is about the loss of the original family. It has nothing to do with the addition of a new person into the family as much as it is to do with NOT having the other parent around.
4) Respect the past family history and differences of personalities or habits.
It is human nature to reject what we don't understand, which is usually anything different than ourselves. Other people and families do things very different than what we do. When one family marries another, 2 diverse groups of habits and personalities are coming together. Some of the things each one does may conflict or interfere with the ways of the other family. This is one source of contention and arguments between siblings. In first-time biological families, the family members have already developed ways of resolving the conflict, as they've had many years together to learn how to deal with the other family members. They reach the point of accepting these differences as natural. However, dissimilar attitudes and behaviors of stepfamily members are considered weird or deviant. I discuss this a little more in detail in my published article, "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"
Think of creative ways to resolve conflicting family habits. Both Susan and myself shared a short story from our own experiences.
5) Creating memories and taking advantage of bonding moments are extremely important.
Stepfamilies lack previous history and memories as a "family". This means that step parents have to patiently listen to their step children talk about their "family" memories with both biological parents, which does not include the step parent. It takes time for the step parent to create new memories with him/her included as part of the new family. Therefore, vacations to new places and having a weekly or bi-monthly family night is recommended. I also recommend you take pictures in order to capture the fond moments and reminisce about them later. Place the pictures on the wall or mantle, which will help to establish a healthy family environment of good memories.
Eating meals as a family is a superb way of becoming a more cohesive stepfamily. It is a time to get to know the new family members, build rapport, and bond as a family. I highly recommend eating together as a family - both biological and stepfamily members. If this cannot be done daily, a good-faith effort should be made to do it as often as possible, even if only once or twice per week. Connie Fitzmartin has some great suggestions for making mealtime fun in her book, Magical Meals Manual. It is worth the time to check out. You'll be glad you did.
Below are a few of the things I talked about:
1) How fairy tales, books, and movies inaccuracy depict step families (AKA blended families).
They either portray the stepfamily as one in which they overcome many problems and then live "happily ever after"; Or the step parent, and sometimes step siblings, are "evil". In this scenario, the stepfamily member usually ends up leaving the family by the end of the story, or she/he gets offed. And that is considered a GOOD thing!
These portrayals of stepfamilies are profoundly offbase to say the least. Unfortunately, they contribute to the confusion and misconceptions that pervade our society. In fact, many children fear getting a stepmom because they hold on to this fallacious notion that she will be mean. Furthermore, many women who become stepmothers are ALSO intensely concerned about having the title of "stepmother". They detest the title so much that they go above and beyond the usual motherly acts with the hope and expectation of overcoming this wicked stereotype.
In reality, the vast majority of step parents have only good intentions. They make sincere efforts to do the right thing. However, their words and deeds do not elicit the result they expect, even though the exact same words and deeds would only have a positive result in a first-time biological family. The main reason for this difference is that first-time families are borne out of happiness and bliss, whereas step families are borne out of the many unfavorable emotions related to divorce.
I mentioned a few emotions that children often feel after the divorce, and how these emotions are manifested through ill-manners and misbehaviors. I also mentioned a few things step parents can do about these situations to possibly minimize the effect.
2) The terms "stepfamily" and "blended family" are synonymous, but I prefer the former term.
A copy of my published article, "Blended Family? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts" was on-hand for all attendees.
3) Stepparents should NOT take anything personal. Nothing the kids say is about you.
Each person in the family is mourning the loss of the original family. Parents stop mourning this loss a lot sooner than children. They fall in love with another person and get married. Instead of having a honeymoon phase like in their first marriage, they have an instant family to manage. Children have usually not fallen in love with the step parent when the family unites into 1 house as a step (blended) family. This adversely affects their opinion of the stepparent, as well as everything the stepparent does. Even if the child says he/she hates you or disobeys you, remember that it is NOT ABOUT YOU. The child is really expressing how he feels about his/her new environment and family. Still, this is about the loss of the original family. It has nothing to do with the addition of a new person into the family as much as it is to do with NOT having the other parent around.
4) Respect the past family history and differences of personalities or habits.
It is human nature to reject what we don't understand, which is usually anything different than ourselves. Other people and families do things very different than what we do. When one family marries another, 2 diverse groups of habits and personalities are coming together. Some of the things each one does may conflict or interfere with the ways of the other family. This is one source of contention and arguments between siblings. In first-time biological families, the family members have already developed ways of resolving the conflict, as they've had many years together to learn how to deal with the other family members. They reach the point of accepting these differences as natural. However, dissimilar attitudes and behaviors of stepfamily members are considered weird or deviant. I discuss this a little more in detail in my published article, "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"
Think of creative ways to resolve conflicting family habits. Both Susan and myself shared a short story from our own experiences.
5) Creating memories and taking advantage of bonding moments are extremely important.
Stepfamilies lack previous history and memories as a "family". This means that step parents have to patiently listen to their step children talk about their "family" memories with both biological parents, which does not include the step parent. It takes time for the step parent to create new memories with him/her included as part of the new family. Therefore, vacations to new places and having a weekly or bi-monthly family night is recommended. I also recommend you take pictures in order to capture the fond moments and reminisce about them later. Place the pictures on the wall or mantle, which will help to establish a healthy family environment of good memories.
Eating meals as a family is a superb way of becoming a more cohesive stepfamily. It is a time to get to know the new family members, build rapport, and bond as a family. I highly recommend eating together as a family - both biological and stepfamily members. If this cannot be done daily, a good-faith effort should be made to do it as often as possible, even if only once or twice per week. Connie Fitzmartin has some great suggestions for making mealtime fun in her book, Magical Meals Manual. It is worth the time to check out. You'll be glad you did.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step and adopted families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Adopted Children Often Feel Like an Outsider
Many people ask me if I work with adopted families. The answer is yes, I do. The reason is because adoption creates many of the same dynamics as stepfamilies. In fact, any family in which the legal guardian(s) are not the biological parent (s) to the child(ren), there is the potential for stressful issues to arise. The natural biological bond between a parent and child grows from day 1 when the baby is in the womb and continuously builds. In all other families, the child is separated from the person with whom they have that strong natural bond. The older this child is when separated, the harder it is for him/her to form a strong bond with another parent.
As a baby grows, he/she learns about the world from his/her parents. All of his/her needs are met through the parents. In short, a baby's world IS his/her parents. That is all he/she knows. The parent learns what each look or sound means, and responds in a particular manner. As the baby grows, he/she comes to expect a particular response every time he/she says or does a specific thing that generated that response in the past. Depending on the age of a child, and his/her exposure to friends' parents, he/she may believe that all parents would respond in the exact same way.
If that child transitions to a new household and guardian/parent, the learning process is lost completely. Neither the parent nor the child know the other person's looks, sayings, or mannerisms. When the child does/says the same thing as before, the new parent/guardian responds in a manner consistent with his/her personality, upbringing, and belief systems. However, that response is contrary to how the biological parent used to respond. This is when misinterpretations and confusion sometimes enters. Depending on how the situation is handled by each person, and their personalities, the child may start to feel like an outsider. If the child is already feeling that way because of the newness of the relationship (or other reasons), this perspective of feeling like an outsider could deepen.
For a more in depth explanation of being an outsider vs insider, please refer to my previous article "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"
As a baby grows, he/she learns about the world from his/her parents. All of his/her needs are met through the parents. In short, a baby's world IS his/her parents. That is all he/she knows. The parent learns what each look or sound means, and responds in a particular manner. As the baby grows, he/she comes to expect a particular response every time he/she says or does a specific thing that generated that response in the past. Depending on the age of a child, and his/her exposure to friends' parents, he/she may believe that all parents would respond in the exact same way.
If that child transitions to a new household and guardian/parent, the learning process is lost completely. Neither the parent nor the child know the other person's looks, sayings, or mannerisms. When the child does/says the same thing as before, the new parent/guardian responds in a manner consistent with his/her personality, upbringing, and belief systems. However, that response is contrary to how the biological parent used to respond. This is when misinterpretations and confusion sometimes enters. Depending on how the situation is handled by each person, and their personalities, the child may start to feel like an outsider. If the child is already feeling that way because of the newness of the relationship (or other reasons), this perspective of feeling like an outsider could deepen.
For a more in depth explanation of being an outsider vs insider, please refer to my previous article "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
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