Many people ask me if I work with adopted families. The answer is yes, I do. The reason is because adoption creates many of the same dynamics as stepfamilies. In fact, any family in which the legal guardian(s) are not the biological parent (s) to the child(ren), there is the potential for stressful issues to arise. The natural biological bond between a parent and child grows from day 1 when the baby is in the womb and continuously builds. In all other families, the child is separated from the person with whom they have that strong natural bond. The older this child is when separated, the harder it is for him/her to form a strong bond with another parent.
As a baby grows, he/she learns about the world from his/her parents. All of his/her needs are met through the parents. In short, a baby's world IS his/her parents. That is all he/she knows. The parent learns what each look or sound means, and responds in a particular manner. As the baby grows, he/she comes to expect a particular response every time he/she says or does a specific thing that generated that response in the past. Depending on the age of a child, and his/her exposure to friends' parents, he/she may believe that all parents would respond in the exact same way.
If that child transitions to a new household and guardian/parent, the learning process is lost completely. Neither the parent nor the child know the other person's looks, sayings, or mannerisms. When the child does/says the same thing as before, the new parent/guardian responds in a manner consistent with his/her personality, upbringing, and belief systems. However, that response is contrary to how the biological parent used to respond. This is when misinterpretations and confusion sometimes enters. Depending on how the situation is handled by each person, and their personalities, the child may start to feel like an outsider. If the child is already feeling that way because of the newness of the relationship (or other reasons), this perspective of feeling like an outsider could deepen.
For a more in depth explanation of being an outsider vs insider, please refer to my previous article "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"
As a baby grows, he/she learns about the world from his/her parents. All of his/her needs are met through the parents. In short, a baby's world IS his/her parents. That is all he/she knows. The parent learns what each look or sound means, and responds in a particular manner. As the baby grows, he/she comes to expect a particular response every time he/she says or does a specific thing that generated that response in the past. Depending on the age of a child, and his/her exposure to friends' parents, he/she may believe that all parents would respond in the exact same way.
If that child transitions to a new household and guardian/parent, the learning process is lost completely. Neither the parent nor the child know the other person's looks, sayings, or mannerisms. When the child does/says the same thing as before, the new parent/guardian responds in a manner consistent with his/her personality, upbringing, and belief systems. However, that response is contrary to how the biological parent used to respond. This is when misinterpretations and confusion sometimes enters. Depending on how the situation is handled by each person, and their personalities, the child may start to feel like an outsider. If the child is already feeling that way because of the newness of the relationship (or other reasons), this perspective of feeling like an outsider could deepen.
For a more in depth explanation of being an outsider vs insider, please refer to my previous article "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
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