A dysfunctional stepfamily results when a dysfunctional first family transitions into a stepfamily, by either cohabitation or marriage. Additionally, two healthy first families can produce a dysfunctional stepfamily, by cohabitation or marriage, if they have unrealistic expectations or don’t know how to make a cohesive stepfamily from two different families.
Stepfamily dynamics begin the minute a single parent becomes seriously involved with a partner and the new partner starts interacting with the kids. A stepfamily is formed when the single family and new partner move in together (cohabitate) or get married. A single family refers to either a never-married parent or a couple who is divorced, widowed, or separated but not legally divorced. Of course, this includes any adult, regardless or marital status and without children, who become seriously involved with a single parent.
The next logical question is to define a dysfunctional family. The definition has evolved over the decades with societal trends, and varies by researcher or statistic-gathering team. I define a dysfunctional family as a family unit who is emotionally or physically unhealthy. This includes sexual abuse, although I don’t discuss the subject here. Happiness, or rather unhappiness, is entirely different. Happiness refers to an emotion, whereas unhealthiness refers to a state of being or a state of mind. It is a long-term situational condition; whereas happiness is temporary. One’s happiness can change in minutes, hours, or days. An unhealthy living environment is ongoing. A person can be happy in an unhealthy environment or unhappy in a healthy environment.
A happy person in an unhealthy (dysfunctional) family may mean he/she is unaware of how unhealthy it is. In most cases, this would be a young child who may not be a target of unhealthy attitudes, not exposed to them, or simply doesn’t get what is going on around them. There are also many cases of adults who don’t know if their living arrangement is unhealthy enough to warrant leaving. They don’t want to be deemed a failure for giving up – quitting. Some people don’t recognize the warning signs because they can’t see the forest through the trees. Others don’t recognize red flags because they were raised in a similar dysfunctional environment. Adult children of divorce are more vulnerable to dysfunctional relationships because their parents were unable to model a healthy relationship. These are only a few possible explanations for becoming or joining a dysfunctional family. Researchers have come up with many more.
Divorce does not automatically beget dysfunction. Many single parents do a phenomenal job raising their children in a very healthy atmosphere. My mom is one example. I was shocked when a friend of mine had labeled my family as dysfunctional because I never felt that way. Likewise, he was shocked that I was in a dysfunctional family because of how well-adjusted I was. Respect and hospitality for everybody, and other healthy qualities, were commonplace in our house. Mom raised us without shame and never spoke badly about my dad, in spite of being an alcoholic and having an affair. My self-esteem had remained intact in large part due to my mom’s perspective and demeanor. Hence, my definition of dysfunction is unrelated to marital status or family structure.
How does somebody figure out if they are in a dysfunctional relationship? Moreover, how does one decide when it would be better to leave than stay? Disagreements, miscommunication, and unhappy times exist in healthy relationships. Couples in them try to ignore occasional unresolved issues. Nobody can be happy all the time. Everybody has bad days. All children test their parents and try to get away with something wrong. They don’t always listen and obey. Many parents argue about how and when to punish their children. Therefore, the mere existence of these ordeals does not define dysfunction.
Dysfunction is characterized by an excessive amount of arguments, unresolved issues, and unhappy times. Depression, addiction, and other behavior or personality disorders are often found in members of a dysfunctional family. Gottman and Markman derived the Four Horsemen to narrow down reasons relationships fail: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are grounds by which to re-evaluate your method of resolving conflict.
Ask yourself the following questions to help you determine if you are in a dysfunctional (step)family. Then rate your answers with the frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, most of the time, or always.
1. Do you care if arguments are resolved?
2. Do you enjoy spending time with your partner?
3. Does your partner make you smile by doing any of the following: complimenting you, doing something nice for you, say thank you/show appreciation, or remember special occasions?
4. Do you feel comfortable discussing personal concerns with your partner?
5. Do you feel that you and your partner are a team working together?
If you answered ‘most of the time’ or ‘always’ to 3 or more questions, congratulations! You are in a healthy relationship. If you answered ‘sometimes’ or ‘rarely’ to 3 or more questions, you are susceptible to unhealthy communication patterns. I suggest taking measures to improve communication or boost the romance with your partner, such as taking classes through your church or finding a common interest in a couples social group. Reading books or doing research on the internet would also benefit. If you answered ‘never’ to 2 or more questions but did not answer ‘most of the time’ or ‘always’ to any question, I strongly suggest you should take the time to do some soul-searching and get a professional opinion. These questions are only a guideline to set you in the right direction. Only you know if your situation is the best environment for you. Many professionals offer free evaluations or feedback.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label addiction. Show all posts
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A Little About Co-dependency
Co-dependency is an unhealthy psychological need to be needed.
There is a difference between helping somebody and doing everything for them. Helping somebody is providing them with something they need but don’t already have in order to accomplish a certain task or goal. It could be an object, money, or knowledge of how to do something. It is a way of empowering them to finish on their own. In this manner, they achieve a sense of accomplishment. Doing everything for another person doesn’t give them the resources they need to put them on a higher standing. Nor will it allow them to learn how to do it. Provisions to help that person should be used in a way they can earn more resources, thus gaining status or ground compared to where they were prior to asking for help. Otherwise, the next time that person needs to accomplish the same or similar task, he/she will again need to ask for help. As long as the person never learns how to do it or isn’t able to gain extra resources, he/she stays dependent on others.
Consider the famous quote from Jerry McGuire to Rod Tidwell in the movie, Jerry McGuire, “Help me, Rod. Help me to help you.” Neither character was co-dependent, but this reflects the sentiment. There should be contribution from the person being helped, like a team. Healthy teamwork is both people working for the same purpose and is the quickest way to reach the goal.
Co-dependents help to an extreme, sometimes to the point of leaving themselves with little to no resources. Their self-worth is tied to benefiting others. In other words, they only feel good about themselves when they are helping others. Because it is a deep-seeded psychological issue (residing in their sub-conscious), they are not consciously aware how they keep another dependent. Nor can they see how this behavior is unhealthy to either themselves or the other person.
My ex is a co-dependent. For a short while, the mother of his children was clinically depressed to the point of being suicidal. Being unemployed did not help her mental state; nor did her use of alcohol or marijuana. We helped her financially in many ways. My ex even put her car and tags in his name. I drew the line at adding her to my car insurance. Long after she was employed and making good money, my ex continued to do most things for her, even though she was able. She continued to ask because he continued to do. After over a year of employment and making decent money, she was unable to effectively budget and spent too much at a local bar. Once when we were on vacation, she called repeatedly to have him pay a utility bill with his credit card. She could have paid in person with a money order or cash. I wonder if her dependency was in higher gear because he was with me. Regardless, my ex exhibited co-dependent behavior by agreeing to do it. At the most, he could have held her hand (metaphorically) to give her emotional support and encouragement. At the least, he could’ve put his foot down and did nothing – a form of tough love. (This is when tough love is most beneficial.) If he had limited his help and pushed her into action, she probably would have stopped expecting more. For example, lend her money once in awhile, put the car and tags in her name, and make her pay her own bills.
There are many misconceptions on co-dependency. Most people have not studied the subject at length so the misnomer is forgivable. The co-dependent label is readily applied to anybody who is in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. True, they are commonly in long-term relationships with addicts of drugs or alcohol. Instead of trying to help the addict overcome the abuse, they enable the user. The user stays dependent on the substance, as well as the co-dependent partner. However, not all co-dependents are with addicts; not all addicts are with co-dependents.
I fall into this latter category. My first long-term boyfriend in high school was an alcoholic. As such, I was told I was co-dependent, but I didn’t fit the profile. I couldn’t comprehend how I could be co-dependent when I have the opposite personality. In fact, his alcoholism was the major contributing factor I broke up with him. After his friends lay him in my car passed out from drinking too much, I couldn’t figure out how to get him in the house. A few nights like this when I had to go to school the next day were too much for me. Learning more about addiction and co-dependency from a psychological and sociological perspective in college confirmed what I had already known. It also led me to discover the true reason I had entered into a relationship with an alcoholic – because my dad was an alcoholic. My dad warned me against drugs, but not alcohol. He showed me the normalcy of drinking and going to bars. Dating a drinker as a teen seemed natural. I considered myself to be weak because I broke up with him instead of staying and helping him. Luckily, my education taught me how to recognize warning signs. Experience taught me how to avoid unhealthy situations and manage healthy ones.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
There is a difference between helping somebody and doing everything for them. Helping somebody is providing them with something they need but don’t already have in order to accomplish a certain task or goal. It could be an object, money, or knowledge of how to do something. It is a way of empowering them to finish on their own. In this manner, they achieve a sense of accomplishment. Doing everything for another person doesn’t give them the resources they need to put them on a higher standing. Nor will it allow them to learn how to do it. Provisions to help that person should be used in a way they can earn more resources, thus gaining status or ground compared to where they were prior to asking for help. Otherwise, the next time that person needs to accomplish the same or similar task, he/she will again need to ask for help. As long as the person never learns how to do it or isn’t able to gain extra resources, he/she stays dependent on others.
Consider the famous quote from Jerry McGuire to Rod Tidwell in the movie, Jerry McGuire, “Help me, Rod. Help me to help you.” Neither character was co-dependent, but this reflects the sentiment. There should be contribution from the person being helped, like a team. Healthy teamwork is both people working for the same purpose and is the quickest way to reach the goal.
Co-dependents help to an extreme, sometimes to the point of leaving themselves with little to no resources. Their self-worth is tied to benefiting others. In other words, they only feel good about themselves when they are helping others. Because it is a deep-seeded psychological issue (residing in their sub-conscious), they are not consciously aware how they keep another dependent. Nor can they see how this behavior is unhealthy to either themselves or the other person.
My ex is a co-dependent. For a short while, the mother of his children was clinically depressed to the point of being suicidal. Being unemployed did not help her mental state; nor did her use of alcohol or marijuana. We helped her financially in many ways. My ex even put her car and tags in his name. I drew the line at adding her to my car insurance. Long after she was employed and making good money, my ex continued to do most things for her, even though she was able. She continued to ask because he continued to do. After over a year of employment and making decent money, she was unable to effectively budget and spent too much at a local bar. Once when we were on vacation, she called repeatedly to have him pay a utility bill with his credit card. She could have paid in person with a money order or cash. I wonder if her dependency was in higher gear because he was with me. Regardless, my ex exhibited co-dependent behavior by agreeing to do it. At the most, he could have held her hand (metaphorically) to give her emotional support and encouragement. At the least, he could’ve put his foot down and did nothing – a form of tough love. (This is when tough love is most beneficial.) If he had limited his help and pushed her into action, she probably would have stopped expecting more. For example, lend her money once in awhile, put the car and tags in her name, and make her pay her own bills.
There are many misconceptions on co-dependency. Most people have not studied the subject at length so the misnomer is forgivable. The co-dependent label is readily applied to anybody who is in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. True, they are commonly in long-term relationships with addicts of drugs or alcohol. Instead of trying to help the addict overcome the abuse, they enable the user. The user stays dependent on the substance, as well as the co-dependent partner. However, not all co-dependents are with addicts; not all addicts are with co-dependents.
I fall into this latter category. My first long-term boyfriend in high school was an alcoholic. As such, I was told I was co-dependent, but I didn’t fit the profile. I couldn’t comprehend how I could be co-dependent when I have the opposite personality. In fact, his alcoholism was the major contributing factor I broke up with him. After his friends lay him in my car passed out from drinking too much, I couldn’t figure out how to get him in the house. A few nights like this when I had to go to school the next day were too much for me. Learning more about addiction and co-dependency from a psychological and sociological perspective in college confirmed what I had already known. It also led me to discover the true reason I had entered into a relationship with an alcoholic – because my dad was an alcoholic. My dad warned me against drugs, but not alcohol. He showed me the normalcy of drinking and going to bars. Dating a drinker as a teen seemed natural. I considered myself to be weak because I broke up with him instead of staying and helping him. Luckily, my education taught me how to recognize warning signs. Experience taught me how to avoid unhealthy situations and manage healthy ones.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
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