The Double Standard of Being a Stepparent

Good Morning America played an interesting segment on "Mom vs Stepmom" last Friday, April 3. The idea ignited after a well-known model, Gisele Bundchen, made an innocent comment about her feelings toward her stepchildren. She simply stated that she considers them to be 100% hers. Why wouldn't she feel this way? More to the point, why shouldn't she feel this way? After all, she is married to their biological father. Haven't we all learned that we should love not only the person we're married to, but all of his/her family as well? That includes the kids, obviously. The in-laws, though, are an exception - particularly the mother-in-law. It seems to be OK to not like them - or at least not get along well with them.

Divorce seems to be OK too. Oh sure, we're told that we should only marry once, only marry the person we're in love with, never cheat on that person, and never get divorced. Yet, the divorce rate for first-time marriages is 50%. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is 66%, and higher still for marriages with children (families). That is, if the couple even wants to get remarried. Many couples are choosing to cohabitate (live together/shack up) instead, because they don't *want* to get divorced again. It was so painful the first time, they figure why do it a 2nd time.

These rates in and of themselves reflect a contradiction in the so-called family values of our society. On one hand, we espouse the importance of family values, staying together, loving everybody, treating everybody equally, and on, and on, and on. Yet, on the other hand, we have pretty much accepted these divorce/separation rates as fact and not likely to change. Indeed, somebody just told me THAT last week - to not expect the divorce rate to decrease. EVER!! So we've accepted the fact that separation/divorce happens, as well as the reasons for them, including infidelity.

The dynamics of stepfamilies, then, is the epitome of contradictory family values, and the stepparent is the biggest victim of the double standards. We are all led to believe that we *can* love anybody we want - and that love *can* last forever if we just try hard enough. We are all led to believe, thanks to movies like Yours Mine and Ours, that we too can form a blended family and everybody will live happily ever after. However, anybody who has been in a stepfamily knows that this is not the case. The reality is that stepparents and stepchildren do not automatically or instantaneously love each other just because the adults in the family get remarried. As a matter of fact, in many stepfamilies (blended families) the love doesn't come until several years down the road. In other stepfamilies, the love NEVER comes. That is one reason why the divorce rate for stepfamilies are so much higher than the rate for biological/traditional families.

We do not choose who we love. Moreover, we cannot make another person love us. We choose how we treat people. We should ALWAYS choose to treat people fairly, courteously, and with respect, which is especially important in stepfamilies. Not instantly loving stepparents or stepchildren is OK provided that you treat them the right way.

Stepfamilies are a case in point. We expect the stepparent to automatically love the biological children upon the marriage to their bio parent; yet, we don't hold the kids to the same standard because they are "kids". Then, if the kids try to break up the marriage because they are not happy about having another parent, the stepparent is expected to be the bigger person and not get frustrated or upset. Many parents revolve around the children in hopes to make them happy without understanding that the only thing the children want is for their biological parents to be back together again, which is not a possibility in 99% of cases. That is why it is important for stepfamilies to figure out how to make the new union work as 1 stepfamily unit.

Then there is the other side of the double standard, as in the case of Gisele Bundchen. She internalized these family values that the Greater Society has espoused throughout the years. She internalized the message and had taken it to heart. She fully intends and expects to be just as good as her stepchildren's biological mom. In every bone of her body, she believes that she will love her husband's children as her own and treat them just as she would her own kids. In that sense, she considers them to be 100% her own. The other side of that same coin, though, is the simple fact that they are not her children. No matter what she does from now until the day she dies... even if she deeply bonds with them, she will never have a biological bond with them. She can never replace their mom. She knows she can't also and wasn't expecting to try and replace their mom; yet she believes she can be all to them that their mom can be. Indeed, she can - all except the level and quality of love (bond) that only exists between a mom her biological child.

The other factor that wasn't considered - and usually is not known or understood - is how the stepchildren really feel about their new stepmom, the new family, new environment (neighborhood, house, friends, etc). Nor are the feelings of the biological mother known or understood. Many, many women have a difficult time seeing their ex-spouse with a new woman. This is particularly harsh if the new woman is perceived (by the ex-wife) to be prettier, younger, more well-known, or more glamorous. This can be harsher still if, God forbid, she was the "other woman" while the biological dad was still married. Women more than men can be very insecure about these qualities in themselves. When they see their ex with a new woman that has these qualities, their insecurities come to the forefront. In the mind of many of these ex-wives is that he broke up with her because she wasn't pretty enough, was too fat, too thin, too frumpy, not glamorous enough, ... you get the picture. In actuality, those reasons usually have nothing to do with the reasons for the initial break-up. Suddenly, things that didn't seem to be an issue before is now an issue for the ex-wife. This puts the stepmom in a precarious position from the start. It is a long uphill trudge which frequently catches her by surprise to say the least.

Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in stepfamilies
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892

Perception of Evil Stepmothers Transformed into Positive Role-Model

From fairy tales and children’s stories throughout history, we have learned that stepmothers are evil. We learned that their only intention is to do harm to the lovely stepchild. Moreover, the stepmom is ugly, often has warts on her face, but treats her own biological children, if she has any, with the utmost respect and concern. A perfect example of this is in the tale of Cinderella.

In most modern stepfamilies (AKA blended families), this is far from an accurate depiction. In reality, stepmothers have only good intentions. In fact, many of them are so concerned about this bad stereotype, or having the title of “stepmother”, that they go beyond the typical motherly duties. In fact, they try too hard and it backfires. It often seems to the step parent that she cannot win. No matter how hard she tries, her words, good deeds, and help are not even recognized, yet alone appreciated. Unfortunately, she is right – initially. When a stepfamily (blended family) is first formed, the children typically have unresolved feelings lingering from their parents’ divorce. These may include hurt feelings, guilt, anger, sadness, confusion, apathy, or rejection to name a few. These inner feelings affect the way they view the outside world, but especially an interloper like the stepmom.

Many children also have a false belief that their parents may one day reunite. This dream is destroyed when one parent marries, which can contribute to behavior or discipline issues. Having a stepmom is then a constant reminder of the dissolution of this dream. The stepchildren may view her as the reason their parents are not together. Worse yet, they may view her as the reason their parents broke up in the first place. Hence, she is also a home-wrecker. For that, she is considered evil. And that is before she said or did anything. Then, the stepchildren interpret everything she says or does negatively.

The good news for stepmothers is that this can change. It will take time, a lot of energy, and tenacity. A good sense of humor is also helpful. Yet, by consistently and persistently treating both biological and step children in a fair and just manner, you will earn the respect of your step children. Moreover, a relationship with them will grow. In fact, many stepmothers form a bond with their stepchildren that lasts a lifetime.

How do stepmothers transform from the Evil Stepmother into a close confidante? First of all, go into the experience with realistic expectations. More to the point, don’t have high expectations of being the “best Stepmom ever”. Your stepkids need a lot of time getting used to the new blended family without mom being around. They need time to adjust to their new surroundings if they have a new house, neighborhood, school, etc. They may not be happy about these changes. Be patient and don’t take their attitude personally. It has nothing to do with you, even if you are the target of their yelling, arguing, or disobeying orders. Initially, back off and let their father discipline them.

Secondly, take the time to talk to your spouse about the rules of the household. More importantly, discuss methods of discipline. What methods does he prefer? What would be too harsh? Let him discipline while he is at home. Watch what he does and follow suit when he is not at home. When he gets back home, talk to him about any issues that arose in his absence. Explain how you handled the issues and your reasons for your actions. This may sound (feel) like you’re a child getting permission or approval from a superior; but, don’t think of it like that. These are his kids, and he’s very protective over them. If he thinks you were wrong, you’ll hear about it. It’s better to initiate the conversation, which indicates you want to work through the issues. Otherwise, he may spring into defense mode if he gets the story from his child, who probably has a different viewpoint of the story which is not in your favor. Your goal is to learn how he normally handles situations in an effort to learn how to duplicate his methods. This will reduce resentment toward you from the kids. In short, you are adjusting to parenting new children. Even if you have your own children, remember that he has different parenting skills and methods than you. Keep an open-mind during the discussion, be flexible, and be willing to change some methods in order to create a healthy team environment.

Thirdly, understand and respect their individual differences and their previous family. This includes the kids’ biological mom. You may believe that she has done many wrong things, but she is still their mother and a part of them. Trashing her is like trashing your stepkids. This would only reinforce their notion of you as evil. Also, you have not heard her side of the story, which may change your perspective. One explanation may be that sometimes good people do the wrong thing, which doesn’t make them bad. Your step children will understand this because they have also done the wrong thing and they are not bad. Additionally, respect their family traditions and activities, individual opinions, and their individual ways of doing things. Remember that different is not better or worse; it is just different.

Finally, look for bonding moments and take advantage of them. Bonding moments happen when you share something unique and special with your stepchild. Typically, it is something that your stepchild has not done with his/her biological mother. It can be a hobby or sport that you both enjoy, participating in a game or activity (preferably one not previously played), helping him/her, or teaching him/her something new. For example, I taught my stepdaughter to drive a car. Also, since her hobby was taking pictures, we scanned her prints into my computer, saved them, and emailed them to friends and family. These moments can never be taken back. Even if the details of the event become unclear with time, the essence and feeling of the experience remains.

Following these guidelines will make a big difference, but it won’t happen over night. In the meantime, it is most important to not take anything personally. Nothing they say is a personal attack against you, even if it seems that way. Because you are an adult and an authority figure, you should not try to be their “friend”. However, you can be a positive influence in their life, like a mentor. Be steadfast, just, and respectful in all you do, and be consistent. Gradually, a mutual respect and fondness will bloom. Oftentimes, this turns into a bonding relationship that lasts the rest of your lifetime. Although the bond cannot ever be as strong as the bond between the biological mom and child, it can be firm.

Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892