From fairy tales and children’s stories throughout history, we have learned that stepmothers are evil. We learned that their only intention is to do harm to the lovely stepchild. Moreover, the stepmom is ugly, often has warts on her face, but treats her own biological children, if she has any, with the utmost respect and concern. A perfect example of this is in the tale of Cinderella.
In most modern stepfamilies (AKA blended families), this is far from an accurate depiction. In reality, stepmothers have only good intentions. In fact, many of them are so concerned about this bad stereotype, or having the title of “stepmother”, that they go beyond the typical motherly duties. In fact, they try too hard and it backfires. It often seems to the step parent that she cannot win. No matter how hard she tries, her words, good deeds, and help are not even recognized, yet alone appreciated. Unfortunately, she is right – initially. When a stepfamily (blended family) is first formed, the children typically have unresolved feelings lingering from their parents’ divorce. These may include hurt feelings, guilt, anger, sadness, confusion, apathy, or rejection to name a few. These inner feelings affect the way they view the outside world, but especially an interloper like the stepmom.
Many children also have a false belief that their parents may one day reunite. This dream is destroyed when one parent marries, which can contribute to behavior or discipline issues. Having a stepmom is then a constant reminder of the dissolution of this dream. The stepchildren may view her as the reason their parents are not together. Worse yet, they may view her as the reason their parents broke up in the first place. Hence, she is also a home-wrecker. For that, she is considered evil. And that is before she said or did anything. Then, the stepchildren interpret everything she says or does negatively.
The good news for stepmothers is that this can change. It will take time, a lot of energy, and tenacity. A good sense of humor is also helpful. Yet, by consistently and persistently treating both biological and step children in a fair and just manner, you will earn the respect of your step children. Moreover, a relationship with them will grow. In fact, many stepmothers form a bond with their stepchildren that lasts a lifetime.
How do stepmothers transform from the Evil Stepmother into a close confidante? First of all, go into the experience with realistic expectations. More to the point, don’t have high expectations of being the “best Stepmom ever”. Your stepkids need a lot of time getting used to the new blended family without mom being around. They need time to adjust to their new surroundings if they have a new house, neighborhood, school, etc. They may not be happy about these changes. Be patient and don’t take their attitude personally. It has nothing to do with you, even if you are the target of their yelling, arguing, or disobeying orders. Initially, back off and let their father discipline them.
Secondly, take the time to talk to your spouse about the rules of the household. More importantly, discuss methods of discipline. What methods does he prefer? What would be too harsh? Let him discipline while he is at home. Watch what he does and follow suit when he is not at home. When he gets back home, talk to him about any issues that arose in his absence. Explain how you handled the issues and your reasons for your actions. This may sound (feel) like you’re a child getting permission or approval from a superior; but, don’t think of it like that. These are his kids, and he’s very protective over them. If he thinks you were wrong, you’ll hear about it. It’s better to initiate the conversation, which indicates you want to work through the issues. Otherwise, he may spring into defense mode if he gets the story from his child, who probably has a different viewpoint of the story which is not in your favor. Your goal is to learn how he normally handles situations in an effort to learn how to duplicate his methods. This will reduce resentment toward you from the kids. In short, you are adjusting to parenting new children. Even if you have your own children, remember that he has different parenting skills and methods than you. Keep an open-mind during the discussion, be flexible, and be willing to change some methods in order to create a healthy team environment.
Thirdly, understand and respect their individual differences and their previous family. This includes the kids’ biological mom. You may believe that she has done many wrong things, but she is still their mother and a part of them. Trashing her is like trashing your stepkids. This would only reinforce their notion of you as evil. Also, you have not heard her side of the story, which may change your perspective. One explanation may be that sometimes good people do the wrong thing, which doesn’t make them bad. Your step children will understand this because they have also done the wrong thing and they are not bad. Additionally, respect their family traditions and activities, individual opinions, and their individual ways of doing things. Remember that different is not better or worse; it is just different.
Finally, look for bonding moments and take advantage of them. Bonding moments happen when you share something unique and special with your stepchild. Typically, it is something that your stepchild has not done with his/her biological mother. It can be a hobby or sport that you both enjoy, participating in a game or activity (preferably one not previously played), helping him/her, or teaching him/her something new. For example, I taught my stepdaughter to drive a car. Also, since her hobby was taking pictures, we scanned her prints into my computer, saved them, and emailed them to friends and family. These moments can never be taken back. Even if the details of the event become unclear with time, the essence and feeling of the experience remains.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892
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