Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you and your family have a safe enjoyable holiday.
Whether you are traveling or staying home, Thanksgiving can be stressful. If you are traveling, you may have to deal with crowds in traffic, the airport, or the bus station. If you have to stop at the store, you’re dealing with other people who are in a rush and often not paying attention to anything or anybody except the focus of what they need at that moment. If you are staying at home, you are likely cooking, possibly for many people. Maybe you’ll be host. Or maybe you are a lucky one who only has to show up and enjoy the day – or wade through other people’s stress. If you are the latter person, I’m happy for you. Congratulations! Enjoy. To everybody else, please try to be patient with everybody else. Assume they are dealing with some sort of stress and give them the benefit of the doubt in all situations, even if only to keep Thanksgiving Day a day to be grateful for even small things.
Many personalities converge in the same place at the same time. Drinking is a part of many households. Football or other sports on tv is fodder for team rivalry. The temperature in some houses is high due to the heat from the cooking or the crowded space. Finally, there could be a new addition – a step member – in a family, possibly one who is not accepted as part of the family. Oddly, it seems nobody knows how to push buttons like family members. All of these factors add to the stress of individuals. Even close-knit families have their share of arguments. Multiply that stress factor by ten to have an idea of the stress level in a dysfunctional stepfamily. Highly dysfunctional stepfamilies can increase the factor another tenfold.
It is common to have frenemies within a family. If you are not familiar with the word, see my previous post in Oct about frenemies. They are even more common in stepfamilies, although individuals don’t like to admit it. It’s ok to continue keeping it a secret. Some step parents think of their step children as frenemies. Likewise, some step children think of their step parent in the same manner. Ex-spouses, in-laws, the non-custodial parent, some bio parents, and even some (step) grandparents can all be frenemies to somebody somewhere.
Regardless of your position within the family or stepfamily, whether you are a newbie or maybe meeting a newbie, a frenemy or not, you deserve to be treated with dignity. Likewise, everybody else, step or bio, newbie or long-timer, related or not, deserves to be treated with dignity. You don’t know the extent of stress each person is under. Nor do you know their threshold and what would tip them over the edge. Please keep this in mind. If you know somebody’s buttons, please make an effort to not push them. If somebody else pushes your button, try to ignore it. Muster up a smile if you can. Maybe you should decide to just go along for the ride, so to speak, and let things roll off your back. Decide to enjoy yourself no matter what.
Keep in mind that it could be worse. There is always somebody who is less fortunate, who has less or nothing, and who wants something you have but can’t have it. Many people don’t have any family or don’t have a place they consider home. So, even if you feel uncomfortable or stressed, there is always something to be thankful for. This includes your family or your frenemy.
Please be safe. Try to relax and enjoy thanksgiving. Most importantly, be grateful for everything you have.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Showing posts with label emotional sanity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional sanity. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Practical Strategies for Dealing with BioMom
These strategies helped me immensely. I put it in outline format in order to make it easier and quicker to read. It is in response to the plethora of outcry I hear from StepMoms about a BM who is tough to deal with.
1) Distinguish what you can control and what you can’t.
a. In every situation, ask yourself the following questions:
i. Can I control this?
ii. Can I control a part of this?
iii. What is my part?
b. Stop. Rethink.
i. What other options do I have, that I can control?
ii. What can/should I do differently?
iii. Can/will DH help me with this?
2) Change the story
a. It takes time and effort to alter our emotional reaction.
b. Replace negative thoughts with neutral thoughts. Every time you get upset while thinking of something BM said or did, stop and tell yourself the following:
i. She can’t help it. She likely cannot control this obsessive behavior.
ii. I feel sorry for her that she cannot get past the divorce/separation and move on.
iii. I’m glad I’m not that insecure.
iv. How sad that she is not at inner peace and chooses to be spiteful! I choose to not react in kind. I will not bring myself down to that level of behavior.
v. I don’t want to give her power over me. I can get past this regardless of what she does.
3) Release and let go
a. Your feelings are valid. You may want to hold onto your anger or pain because she truly has mal-intentions. However, it stands in your way of inner peace and your ability to be the best YOU you can be. You can’t give your all when you’re mired in anger or hurt feelings.
b. Vent if you need to, preferably to somebody who understands and has been in a similar situation, but who won’t fuel your anger.
c. Develop strategies to relax
i. Hot bath
ii. Yoga, kick boxing, running, or other physical fitness
iii. Find a hobby or pastime – something that reminds you of who you are so you won’t lose a sense of yourself while wearing the different hats (BM, StepMom, Wife/SO, career woman, etc)
4) Become numb and unemotional when defending accusations and lies from BM. Defend yourself calmly, whether to your skids or DH.
a. "I didn’t say/do that. That is incorrect."
i. No long explanation/defense is necessary unless DH believes it and is concerned about it.
ii. Skids don’t need to know adult business – only that the statement is not true. Leave it to DH to defend you more if that is necessary.
b. "She is obviously confused or she misunderstood."
i. Even if you know her intentions are malicious and fallacious
ii. Give her the benefit of the doubt, especially to the children.
iii. Don’t feel guilty because you may be fibbing. It is a white lie that will have neutral to positive repercussions.
c. "She is entitled to her opinion. It’s up to you to make up your own mind and form your own opinion."
i. This will work in your favor, especially if DH has a similar conversation with the kids and defends you.
d. Get used to this. So will the kids.
i. The less emotions you show about BM, the bigger the reward.
ii. Eventually the kids will figure out the truth. That may be a sad day for BM. They will forgive her, though, because she is BM. The biological bond is that strong.
iii. In the meantime, you keep your sanity, are more productive, and can give 110% again when wearing the different hats.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
1) Distinguish what you can control and what you can’t.
a. In every situation, ask yourself the following questions:
i. Can I control this?
ii. Can I control a part of this?
iii. What is my part?
b. Stop. Rethink.
i. What other options do I have, that I can control?
ii. What can/should I do differently?
iii. Can/will DH help me with this?
2) Change the story
a. It takes time and effort to alter our emotional reaction.
b. Replace negative thoughts with neutral thoughts. Every time you get upset while thinking of something BM said or did, stop and tell yourself the following:
i. She can’t help it. She likely cannot control this obsessive behavior.
ii. I feel sorry for her that she cannot get past the divorce/separation and move on.
iii. I’m glad I’m not that insecure.
iv. How sad that she is not at inner peace and chooses to be spiteful! I choose to not react in kind. I will not bring myself down to that level of behavior.
v. I don’t want to give her power over me. I can get past this regardless of what she does.
3) Release and let go
a. Your feelings are valid. You may want to hold onto your anger or pain because she truly has mal-intentions. However, it stands in your way of inner peace and your ability to be the best YOU you can be. You can’t give your all when you’re mired in anger or hurt feelings.
b. Vent if you need to, preferably to somebody who understands and has been in a similar situation, but who won’t fuel your anger.
c. Develop strategies to relax
i. Hot bath
ii. Yoga, kick boxing, running, or other physical fitness
iii. Find a hobby or pastime – something that reminds you of who you are so you won’t lose a sense of yourself while wearing the different hats (BM, StepMom, Wife/SO, career woman, etc)
4) Become numb and unemotional when defending accusations and lies from BM. Defend yourself calmly, whether to your skids or DH.
a. "I didn’t say/do that. That is incorrect."
i. No long explanation/defense is necessary unless DH believes it and is concerned about it.
ii. Skids don’t need to know adult business – only that the statement is not true. Leave it to DH to defend you more if that is necessary.
b. "She is obviously confused or she misunderstood."
i. Even if you know her intentions are malicious and fallacious
ii. Give her the benefit of the doubt, especially to the children.
iii. Don’t feel guilty because you may be fibbing. It is a white lie that will have neutral to positive repercussions.
c. "She is entitled to her opinion. It’s up to you to make up your own mind and form your own opinion."
i. This will work in your favor, especially if DH has a similar conversation with the kids and defends you.
d. Get used to this. So will the kids.
i. The less emotions you show about BM, the bigger the reward.
ii. Eventually the kids will figure out the truth. That may be a sad day for BM. They will forgive her, though, because she is BM. The biological bond is that strong.
iii. In the meantime, you keep your sanity, are more productive, and can give 110% again when wearing the different hats.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)