These strategies helped me immensely. I put it in outline format in order to make it easier and quicker to read. It is in response to the plethora of outcry I hear from StepMoms about a BM who is tough to deal with.
1) Distinguish what you can control and what you can’t.
a. In every situation, ask yourself the following questions:
i. Can I control this?
ii. Can I control a part of this?
iii. What is my part?
b. Stop. Rethink.
i. What other options do I have, that I can control?
ii. What can/should I do differently?
iii. Can/will DH help me with this?
2) Change the story
a. It takes time and effort to alter our emotional reaction.
b. Replace negative thoughts with neutral thoughts. Every time you get upset while thinking of something BM said or did, stop and tell yourself the following:
i. She can’t help it. She likely cannot control this obsessive behavior.
ii. I feel sorry for her that she cannot get past the divorce/separation and move on.
iii. I’m glad I’m not that insecure.
iv. How sad that she is not at inner peace and chooses to be spiteful! I choose to not react in kind. I will not bring myself down to that level of behavior.
v. I don’t want to give her power over me. I can get past this regardless of what she does.
3) Release and let go
a. Your feelings are valid. You may want to hold onto your anger or pain because she truly has mal-intentions. However, it stands in your way of inner peace and your ability to be the best YOU you can be. You can’t give your all when you’re mired in anger or hurt feelings.
b. Vent if you need to, preferably to somebody who understands and has been in a similar situation, but who won’t fuel your anger.
c. Develop strategies to relax
i. Hot bath
ii. Yoga, kick boxing, running, or other physical fitness
iii. Find a hobby or pastime – something that reminds you of who you are so you won’t lose a sense of yourself while wearing the different hats (BM, StepMom, Wife/SO, career woman, etc)
4) Become numb and unemotional when defending accusations and lies from BM. Defend yourself calmly, whether to your skids or DH.
a. "I didn’t say/do that. That is incorrect."
i. No long explanation/defense is necessary unless DH believes it and is concerned about it.
ii. Skids don’t need to know adult business – only that the statement is not true. Leave it to DH to defend you more if that is necessary.
b. "She is obviously confused or she misunderstood."
i. Even if you know her intentions are malicious and fallacious
ii. Give her the benefit of the doubt, especially to the children.
iii. Don’t feel guilty because you may be fibbing. It is a white lie that will have neutral to positive repercussions.
c. "She is entitled to her opinion. It’s up to you to make up your own mind and form your own opinion."
i. This will work in your favor, especially if DH has a similar conversation with the kids and defends you.
d. Get used to this. So will the kids.
i. The less emotions you show about BM, the bigger the reward.
ii. Eventually the kids will figure out the truth. That may be a sad day for BM. They will forgive her, though, because she is BM. The biological bond is that strong.
iii. In the meantime, you keep your sanity, are more productive, and can give 110% again when wearing the different hats.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
4 comments:
I like your advice.
Most likely kids will forgive the BM, but for any BM's reading this article, they should know if they are making life difficult for the SM and their father, the kids will become angry and resentful toward the BM. Especially if they see no cause for the anger. Especially if they love and respect their father and stepmother/stepsiblings.
They MAY forgive. But, perhaps not until much later in life. And if they are not taught forgiveness by their parent/parents, they are not going to forgive so easily...we reap what we sow.
If you love your children as much as you want to believe you do, don't cause problems for their father and his family.
Thank you for posting your comment.
First of all, I'm glad you like the advice. As I said, it helped me personally. I sat where you sit and know how you feel, as much as possible.
You are right in that children can and do get angry with BM when they learn the truth. The biological bond is so strong that it takes MANY repeated malintentions for the children to hold the grudge and not want to forgive their mom. The wound that causes is always there and doesn't go away. It is the worst type of scar because of the depth of love between a mom and her offspring. It does happen. When it happens, it takes a LONG time and a TON of effort on part of BM to get the trust back from the offspring. She has to be sincerely apologetic and show how she's changed.
I believe we are internally driven to heal these wounds and not want to live with them. Also, we're internally driven to "want" that relationship with our parents. In spite of how we may feel on the outside, it hurts us on the inside to not have it. That's what I mean by the strong biological bond. We "want" to forgive BM and will always "want" her to change, even when experience tells us it won't happen.
BM's who make it hard on her ex and the SM don't realize how this negatively affects the emotional health of their children. It really does make life more difficult for the kids. Unfortunately, some BM's are too caught up in their emotions and problems to see it. It's a challenge at best for SM's to not rat out the BM. It was for me. I wanted to so many times. DH can be a big influence and be a catalyst for change, if SM and DH learn how to work together as a team.
I'll be posting more blogs on this topic in the future. Thank you again for your comment. You brought up a valid point. I know many SM's are feeling the exact same thing.
Namaste,
Judy
I have been looking at advice for Stepmothers in order to try to find ways to have a civil relationship with my children's stepmother.
Sadly, not all stepmothers are interested in doing what is best for the children.
But, something I find deeply offensive is the demeaning way you describe the mothers of these children. "BM" is incredibly demeaning. Some women may have done nothing more than give birth to their children and taken little interest in what is best for them. But I, and many other women, have done far more. We have given birth and then loved and nourished our children for years before a stepmother came along and wanted to play a role. Some respect is due in these cases and even calling someone a "birth mother" if they did not give their children up for adoption etc. is inaccurate and offensive.
To genuinely find a way to create peace, I ask that you consider this.
Hi Heather,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I think it is wonderful that you're interested in having a peaceful relationship with your children's stepmother! In light of that, you may find more relevant content that specifically targets you, the mom, on other sites; whereas, my content is specifically written to help stepmoms (SM's).
That brings me to your main point. I appreciate your feedback and have considered your point previously because I know others feel the way you do. I continue to choose to use the words "birth mom", "BioMom", and "biological mom" - and their abbreviation BM - for the same reasons I choose to use "stepmom" - and abbreviation SM - instead of "Bonus Mom". Simply put, they are the most descriptive words I know to discuss the position they hold within the family unit. I prefer to keep my content simple & easily understood by most people. Everybody knows who I mean when I use these words. Honestly, I don't even know of an alternative word. If you share your preferred term with me, I would definitely use it here, and also have an alternative to use when speaking to others who feel as you do. For my content, as of now, I will continue to use the same terms for the reasons I'm stating here. At least for now.
That brings me to my 2nd reason. I, personally, don't see how they are demeaning at all. They are simply titles, and equal in stature & meaning to the title I use for stepmom (SM for short). I don't attach any emotions to these words. I merely use them to discuss a topic. Some terms have become to be considered as demeaning due to the horrific emotions (tone of voice and implied malintentions) spewed when saying the words. This has been done to the term stepmother just as much as the term BioMom or birth mother (due to fairy tales of "wicked stepmothers"). I still use Stepmother too.
Actions speak louder than words. All of my content and my approach is geared toward acting equally compassionate to every member of both households of stepfamilies. I don't advocate demeaning actions or any malicious behavior. I always look for and advocate win-win scenarios whenever possible. With that said, I know there is no way to make everybody happy in every situation. Hence, a 3rd reason I have not searched for an alternative term for the biological mom.
I agree with your statements of how many mothers have done tremendous good for their children. I've witnessed and heard many stories on both sides of the fence: moms who have not been able to be wholly present & made their children's lives miserable, moms who have gone above and beyond to raise bright independent kids, stepmoms who have made lasting positive impressions with their stepkids and formed a close bond, and stepmoms who have given the other stepmoms a bad rap & thus making it more difficult for the really good stepmoms. It comes down to individual people, families, and situations. I am unable to help every one of these types of stepfamilies. Therefore, I target stepmoms who I can help, based on my skills & expertise. I will continue to use words and phrases that makes sense to the people I can help. Everything I do and post professionally is with the intention of helping stepmoms and their partner who are struggling to have a happy home. By helping them, I also help the biological mom. (Please forgive me for using this term to you, but as I stated, I don't know of a different term that wouldn't offend you.)
I hope I addressed your point and helped you to realize my position. If you have any further suggestions on how to create more peace between the maternal co-parents (is that term better?), I hope you'll share them with me and my audience.
Good luck with your situation.
Best regards,
Judy
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