1) Conflict of Loyalties between step and biology.
Stepchildren often feel conflicted about liking their stepmom. Internally, they worry it means they like their mom less. This feeling is pronounced when the BioMom outwardly disapproves of the StepMom.
Tucking my ex-boyfriend’s son into bed was special to me. It was usually reserved for his dad, and he seldom requested me to. So whenever he asked me to do it, I cherished it more than he’ll ever know. For the few days afterward, he seemed more distant and argumentative, and almost always called his mom to take him somewhere. A long time would pass before he asked me to tuck him in again. At the time, I was confused and a little hurt. In reality, he was getting used to me. He liked me. He liked being tucked into bed. But, he was afraid of going against his mom, who did not hide her disdain for me. He felt he was not supposed to like me, as if it was somehow wrong. His dad and I were arguing a lot, too. Even if we didn’t argue in front of him, he could tell. This made it more confusing for his son to figure out my standing in the family. At the least, it made it harder for him to *want* to get close to me, for fear of losing somebody he cares about (again). [He didn’t like to be alone and already went through a family separation.] We can all relate to that. Many step parents are concerned about the same thing. I was.
2) Household rules need to be accompanied by predetermined consequences that need to be consistently enforced by bio parent (and step).
Many divorced parents develop guilt over putting their kids through a divorce. Some parents with joint custody turn into a holiday parent. Both of these scenarios contribute to less or inconsistent disciplining. When they become involved with a new person and form a stepfamily, the discipline usually doesn’t resume to how it was prior to the divorce. Because the step parent has a different style of discipline, arguments between the adults (step and bio) regarding discipline become prevalent. It is one of the top complaints among parents in stepfamilies. One suggestion is to form household rules agreed upon by both parents. Call a family meeting to announce changes and address questions. Be sure to call them “household” rules, which do not necessarily reflect rules in other bio parent’s house. Secondly, be sure to note that bio parent (over step parent) approved them to reduce resentment from kids. Consequences for breaking the rules should be mentioned during the meeting. As long as they are enforced consistently by bio parent, kids won’t resent the step parent when he/she tries to enforce them.
This was a huge issue in our house. When my stepson came to live with my now ex-boyfriend and I, the role of holiday parent switched from my ex-boyfriend to BioMom. However, my boyfriend did not resume discipline and was never able to enforce his own rules. One example is his son’s bedtime. Because my ex regularly made exceptions on bedtime, havoc ensued whenever I tried to put his son to bed when he wasn’t home. I was told, “Dad never makes me go to bed now.” I’d respond by referencing his dad’s rule, but there was no way to get away from him resenting me. I see similar stories in many of the stepfamilies I work with. An occasional exception is ok, but the precedence has to be established first.
3) The key for a step parent to build rapport and a caring relationship with step children is a delicate balance between mentoring, caring for their needs, and stepping back.
The role of step parent is precarious in that the children, spouse, and ex-spouse each have different expectations of the step parent, none of which are clearly defined. There is a constant potential of being criticized for either doing too much or not enough. Trying to be the best step parent ever – a Super Step – would likely cause the step children to resist and pull away. Sucking up to the children wouldn’t earn a step parent respect. Ironically, being too lax and uninvolved would have the same effect.
Step children need time to get used to the new family situation. They also need to have quality alone time with each biological parent, when possible. As long as their basic needs are met, they will feel wanted and loved.
My stepson found comfort in knowing there was always somebody available to provide for his needs: after-school snack, money for school lunch, clean clothes, and various other things. He knew he could rely on me to help him, but that he could also call his mom whenever he wanted. Likewise, he had many quality father-son times that were special to him. He felt wanted and loved, which was healthy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
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