After only a couple days, my interview was #3 in the ranks of 765 within its category. The biggest honor, truly, is simply being a guest on the show. I know that sounds cliché, but there have been so many respected knowledgeable experts and authors before me. Last month was the 3 Year Anniversary of The Stepmom’s Toolbox Blogtalk Radio Show. Peggy Nolan, the Executive Director and main host, obviously knows what she’s doing. To her credit, she has 2 great co-hosts, Teresa Thompson and Erin Erickson, who share in the interviewing. They all have personal experience in the trenches of daily stepfamily life. They offer valuable insights, as well as broaden the scope of every topic brought to the table.
Their show is live every Monday from 8:00 to 9:00 PM EST. But if you can’t make it, show up any time to listen to shows in their archives. Even better, download episodes to share with others. Each show has valuable content, insight, and advice. They target stepmoms primarily and secondarily others in or around a stepfamily. The educational value is there for the taking, even for somebody who hasn’t experienced stress in a stepfamily. A few of my favorite guests are Mary-Kelly Williams, Donna Ferber, and Erin interviewing her stepkids, as well as Gloria Lintermans talking about her book The Secrets to Stepfamily Success. Also, I’m anxious to hear Sheila Dean on Monday talk about How to Date Your Mate when in a stepfamily.
Now, the replay of my interview, Creating TEAM in StepCouples, has been added to my list of favorite Stepmom’s Toolbox archives. To make it more special, my sister shared with me that she had an “Aha!” moment while listening to me discuss how bio-parents can mistakenly keep the stepparent powerless. She now recognizes how she maintained the power differential in her previous marriage without realizing it. If you missed it, I wrote up a few highlights below. You’ll have to tune in, though, for the real-life examples I gave of a stepfamily.
Teamwork is the biggest ally between co-parents. Teamwork is Power, because it strengthens boundaries. It is a tool that builds unity and prevents it from breaking down. It is an assistant in building rapport between the stepparents and stepchildren. The stronger the (co-parent) team, the more cohesive the stepfamily, the less misbehavior by the children, the higher likelihood of staying together.
Teamwork is more important in a stepfamily than first family. Every relationship and family has challenges and disagreements, but many stay together in spite of them. Those same challenges and disagreements cause heightened conflict in stepfamilies. Why is there a difference? In a first family, parents have equal and automatic power and influence. They have equal advantages: history, biological bond, and unconditional love. Regardless of arguments or problems, these 3 things never change. Each family member adapts to the others’ nuances from the day each kid is born. In a stepfamily, the stepparents are essentially strangers to their stepchildren. History has to be learned through 2nd-hand stories and pictures. Memories – good times - have to be created. Love is conditional. Respect comes first. Love may or may not happen. If it does, it’s after a lot of time has passed and after the stepparent has proven herself. Teamwork is a shortcut to creating memories and building respect.
Dad has equal responsibility in building a TEAM with his partner, the kids’ StepMom. He should tell his kids that he respects her decisions and expects them to listen to her. He needs to follow-up his words through his actions. If he disagrees with a direction she gives his son, he should make sure his son obeys, but talk to her about it in private later. If Dad doesn’t back her, he breaks down the team and hinders her ability to gain rapport with his children.
When StepMom has been accepted emotionally as a maternal figure, she can take more initiative in making rules on the spot and creating new punishments. Once she is accepted, she has direct influence, so going through Dad is less important. StepMoms, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Has your partner ever outwardly disagreed with you in front of the kids?
2. Has he ever not supported an independent decision you made? This is usually by doing something contradictory to your decision.
3. Has he not backed you on ALL parenting (rules and consequences)?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, your partner is not being a team player. Acquiesce to his parenting style, even if you disagree with it, but talk to him privately. The worst thing you can do is introduce new rules or ways of doing something. This may not be what you want to hear, but it will give you the least amount of stress. If your stepchild rejects your directive, your partner probably will too. Since he hasn’t always backed you, he probably still won’t, yet again undermining your authority and keeping you powerless. Influence your partner to change through private conversations with him. If he refuses to stop, continue to follow his parenting style and intermittently talk to him.
When you take hubby aside to talk personally, ideally it should be in a place where you’re sure not to be disturbed and the kids won’t overhear. I recommend framing the conversation in the context of how stepfamilies are different than first families and requires different tactics. Point to the myriad of research and resources that has documented the differences. Most of the resources are new within the last few years, but the first research dates back a couple decades. Explain a little about what you’ve learned and ask for his help in adapting to your new stepfamily. Phrasing your conversation with these 2 things in mind should hopefully keep him off the defensive and make him more receptive to changing.
What if Dad doesn’t change? What if he refuses to adapt to stepfamily life? Maybe he doesn’t understand that stepfamilies require doing things differently. Even if he says he understands, he may not *get* it. There is no magic wand you can wave over his head to make him get it. There are no magic words. We can’t place a spell on him. Continue to point him to the research, which documents the factual differences, along with the reasons, by many experts. My favorite book is The Secrets to Stepfamily Success by Gloria Lintermans. I’m also a fan of National Stepfamily Resource Center, and of course, The Stepfamily Foundation. If he still refuses to change, you are powerless. As a stepparent, the extent of your power goes only to the extent that the BioParent gives you.
The bottom line is that change happens when a stepfamily forms. Ideally, both adults should work together in managing the changes (adapting) in a way that is a win-win for everybody. If 1 person is trying to adapt and the other is steadfastly trying to hold onto a method that isn’t working, the couple is going to have relationship issues. The sad truth is that not everybody who should change does. And not everybody who we try to change need to change. Either way, sometimes we work ourselves into a frenzy trying to get somebody else to change a habit, behavior, or way of doing something. That’s the case in all types of relationships - not just stepfamilies. So to relieve a little stress of my clients, as well as myself in trying to help them, I came up with an easy way for people to keep ourselves in check – to not overwork ourselves in trying to change somebody who won’t change, yet also determine if the person will change. It’s the AWAIT system of change…- A – W – A – I - T. Awareness – Willingness – Action Plan – Implementation – Tracking. Whether they’re aware of it or not, everybody who decides to change a habit, behavior, or way of doing something, go through each of these steps. If we want somebody, like our partner, to change something, like his parenting style, we need to engage him in a conversation to see if he is:
• A – Aware of the benefits of making the change
• W – Willing to go through the process of making the change
• A – Acts by making a plan
• I – Implements his action plan
• T – tracks his progress. Tracking is the only step that is not absolutely necessary, but significantly increases the likelihood of success.
You can read more about my AWAIT system of change here.
Teamwork seems to be obvious and not disputed. Yet, it is frequently mentioned in stepfamily relationships. For one reason, adult children of broken homes and many others have never learned how to have a healthy relationship. Secondly, there are far more misunderstandings, miscommunications, and hurt feelings in stepfamilies. Thirdly, most families have very busy lives. Stress is constant: work, traffic, dealing with Customer Service Rep of XYZ Company about a wrong charge, and maintaining the household (scheduling kids’ activities and transportation, budgeting, parenting, and working on your relationship). It’s easy to get off track. We all need to practice teamwork and hope it will eventually become second nature.
The extent of a StepMom’s power is the extent to what the BioDad gives her. He has to respect her in order for the kids to respect her. He has to allow her to be parental toward his kids. If he doesn’t want it, his influence will negate her power. His kids will do as he does. If he undermines her authority, so will the kids. If he thinks she’s being too strict, the kids are going to work that to their advantage.
The imbalance of power is a more potent issue with a childless stepmom. When both adults have children, the power is equal with respect to their own children. Childless StepMoms, however, don’t have equal advantages: a past history, blood bond, and unconditional love. Moms who share homes with Dads always carry the role of Mom. Regardless of the other sources of stressors and dissention, she will never lose that title as part of her identity. A childless stepmom could easily lose her sense of identity because she doesn’t have a defined role within the house. Everybody is expecting her to behave a certain way or do certain things, often without telling her. They probably think she already knows. On top of that, their expectations often conflict with everybody else’s. Therefore, it is even more important for a childless StepMom to have an external support system and identity aside from the home. This could be co-workers, a support group, a woman’s group, or a church group to name a few. On-line groups, especially in Facebook, are very popular. Otherwise, a childless stepmom has the potential of feeling isolated and alone, which can lead to an emotionally unhealthy environment.
As usual, I welcome comments and questions.
Showing posts with label discipline. Show all posts
Showing posts with label discipline. Show all posts
Monday, May 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Things I Learned Professionally and Personally
1) Conflict of Loyalties between step and biology.
Stepchildren often feel conflicted about liking their stepmom. Internally, they worry it means they like their mom less. This feeling is pronounced when the BioMom outwardly disapproves of the StepMom.
Tucking my ex-boyfriend’s son into bed was special to me. It was usually reserved for his dad, and he seldom requested me to. So whenever he asked me to do it, I cherished it more than he’ll ever know. For the few days afterward, he seemed more distant and argumentative, and almost always called his mom to take him somewhere. A long time would pass before he asked me to tuck him in again. At the time, I was confused and a little hurt. In reality, he was getting used to me. He liked me. He liked being tucked into bed. But, he was afraid of going against his mom, who did not hide her disdain for me. He felt he was not supposed to like me, as if it was somehow wrong. His dad and I were arguing a lot, too. Even if we didn’t argue in front of him, he could tell. This made it more confusing for his son to figure out my standing in the family. At the least, it made it harder for him to *want* to get close to me, for fear of losing somebody he cares about (again). [He didn’t like to be alone and already went through a family separation.] We can all relate to that. Many step parents are concerned about the same thing. I was.
2) Household rules need to be accompanied by predetermined consequences that need to be consistently enforced by bio parent (and step).
Many divorced parents develop guilt over putting their kids through a divorce. Some parents with joint custody turn into a holiday parent. Both of these scenarios contribute to less or inconsistent disciplining. When they become involved with a new person and form a stepfamily, the discipline usually doesn’t resume to how it was prior to the divorce. Because the step parent has a different style of discipline, arguments between the adults (step and bio) regarding discipline become prevalent. It is one of the top complaints among parents in stepfamilies. One suggestion is to form household rules agreed upon by both parents. Call a family meeting to announce changes and address questions. Be sure to call them “household” rules, which do not necessarily reflect rules in other bio parent’s house. Secondly, be sure to note that bio parent (over step parent) approved them to reduce resentment from kids. Consequences for breaking the rules should be mentioned during the meeting. As long as they are enforced consistently by bio parent, kids won’t resent the step parent when he/she tries to enforce them.
This was a huge issue in our house. When my stepson came to live with my now ex-boyfriend and I, the role of holiday parent switched from my ex-boyfriend to BioMom. However, my boyfriend did not resume discipline and was never able to enforce his own rules. One example is his son’s bedtime. Because my ex regularly made exceptions on bedtime, havoc ensued whenever I tried to put his son to bed when he wasn’t home. I was told, “Dad never makes me go to bed now.” I’d respond by referencing his dad’s rule, but there was no way to get away from him resenting me. I see similar stories in many of the stepfamilies I work with. An occasional exception is ok, but the precedence has to be established first.
3) The key for a step parent to build rapport and a caring relationship with step children is a delicate balance between mentoring, caring for their needs, and stepping back.
The role of step parent is precarious in that the children, spouse, and ex-spouse each have different expectations of the step parent, none of which are clearly defined. There is a constant potential of being criticized for either doing too much or not enough. Trying to be the best step parent ever – a Super Step – would likely cause the step children to resist and pull away. Sucking up to the children wouldn’t earn a step parent respect. Ironically, being too lax and uninvolved would have the same effect.
Step children need time to get used to the new family situation. They also need to have quality alone time with each biological parent, when possible. As long as their basic needs are met, they will feel wanted and loved.
My stepson found comfort in knowing there was always somebody available to provide for his needs: after-school snack, money for school lunch, clean clothes, and various other things. He knew he could rely on me to help him, but that he could also call his mom whenever he wanted. Likewise, he had many quality father-son times that were special to him. He felt wanted and loved, which was healthy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Stepchildren often feel conflicted about liking their stepmom. Internally, they worry it means they like their mom less. This feeling is pronounced when the BioMom outwardly disapproves of the StepMom.
Tucking my ex-boyfriend’s son into bed was special to me. It was usually reserved for his dad, and he seldom requested me to. So whenever he asked me to do it, I cherished it more than he’ll ever know. For the few days afterward, he seemed more distant and argumentative, and almost always called his mom to take him somewhere. A long time would pass before he asked me to tuck him in again. At the time, I was confused and a little hurt. In reality, he was getting used to me. He liked me. He liked being tucked into bed. But, he was afraid of going against his mom, who did not hide her disdain for me. He felt he was not supposed to like me, as if it was somehow wrong. His dad and I were arguing a lot, too. Even if we didn’t argue in front of him, he could tell. This made it more confusing for his son to figure out my standing in the family. At the least, it made it harder for him to *want* to get close to me, for fear of losing somebody he cares about (again). [He didn’t like to be alone and already went through a family separation.] We can all relate to that. Many step parents are concerned about the same thing. I was.
2) Household rules need to be accompanied by predetermined consequences that need to be consistently enforced by bio parent (and step).
Many divorced parents develop guilt over putting their kids through a divorce. Some parents with joint custody turn into a holiday parent. Both of these scenarios contribute to less or inconsistent disciplining. When they become involved with a new person and form a stepfamily, the discipline usually doesn’t resume to how it was prior to the divorce. Because the step parent has a different style of discipline, arguments between the adults (step and bio) regarding discipline become prevalent. It is one of the top complaints among parents in stepfamilies. One suggestion is to form household rules agreed upon by both parents. Call a family meeting to announce changes and address questions. Be sure to call them “household” rules, which do not necessarily reflect rules in other bio parent’s house. Secondly, be sure to note that bio parent (over step parent) approved them to reduce resentment from kids. Consequences for breaking the rules should be mentioned during the meeting. As long as they are enforced consistently by bio parent, kids won’t resent the step parent when he/she tries to enforce them.
This was a huge issue in our house. When my stepson came to live with my now ex-boyfriend and I, the role of holiday parent switched from my ex-boyfriend to BioMom. However, my boyfriend did not resume discipline and was never able to enforce his own rules. One example is his son’s bedtime. Because my ex regularly made exceptions on bedtime, havoc ensued whenever I tried to put his son to bed when he wasn’t home. I was told, “Dad never makes me go to bed now.” I’d respond by referencing his dad’s rule, but there was no way to get away from him resenting me. I see similar stories in many of the stepfamilies I work with. An occasional exception is ok, but the precedence has to be established first.
3) The key for a step parent to build rapport and a caring relationship with step children is a delicate balance between mentoring, caring for their needs, and stepping back.
The role of step parent is precarious in that the children, spouse, and ex-spouse each have different expectations of the step parent, none of which are clearly defined. There is a constant potential of being criticized for either doing too much or not enough. Trying to be the best step parent ever – a Super Step – would likely cause the step children to resist and pull away. Sucking up to the children wouldn’t earn a step parent respect. Ironically, being too lax and uninvolved would have the same effect.
Step children need time to get used to the new family situation. They also need to have quality alone time with each biological parent, when possible. As long as their basic needs are met, they will feel wanted and loved.
My stepson found comfort in knowing there was always somebody available to provide for his needs: after-school snack, money for school lunch, clean clothes, and various other things. He knew he could rely on me to help him, but that he could also call his mom whenever he wanted. Likewise, he had many quality father-son times that were special to him. He felt wanted and loved, which was healthy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Stepmoms Toolbox discussed Secrets of Stepfamily Success - Review
Gloria Lintermans is author of the book, The Secrets to Stepfamily Success. No, I have not had a chance to read it yet. I barely finished the last book, but plan to pick this one up very soon. I'm looking forward to it, in fact, especially after hearing her discussion on The Stepmoms Toolbox blog-talk radio.
The most significant point Gloria made was the importance of mourning the loss of the first family. Both children and parents need to expend the energy to do it in their own way. Gloria gave several phases of the grieving process. Per the chapters in her book, I'm looking forward to reading the details of how she was able to do this. I'm confident this grieving process can also be used in the situation of a death of a spouse (parent). Gloria has gone through that personally. One detrimental effect of children not properly mourning the loss of their first family is defiance or anger. Please keep this in mind if you have a child or stepchild acting out or being disobedient.
Another point Gloria discussed is about discipline. She advocates all parents and spouses, including step parents and ex-spouses, should communicate and co-parent together. They should all be cooperative and develop long-range goals. I couldn't agree with this more. I advocate this, too, and readily admit this is the most ideal way to build a healthy strong cohesive stepfamily. I was disappointed, though, that she didn't offer specific ways to accomplish this. It's likely she covers this in the book. I know from working with families clinically how difficult this can be. It's difficult enough for 1 set of parents to agree on discipline issues, yet alone 2 sets (4 parents). For these families, total agreement may seem impossible. Setting up household rules is a step in that direction. Be sure to include consequences for breaking the rules and any specific exceptions. Gloria didn't mention that tip directly, but later suggested to set age-appropriate limits or rules.
When asked about a situation in which a StepMom was involved with a non-cooperative BioMom, Gloria reiterated the need for all co-parents to work together. If BioMom has any mental illness, BioDad should petition the court for full custody. She admitted there is no good answer because chaos ensues without good co-parenting. I somewhat disagree. Yes, the answer is not an easy one. Giving an answer is remarkably easier than implementing any tools. Although petitioning the court for full custody has benefits and is possible, it is a very arduous process and likely to fuel tempers and increase arguments. It detracts from the children having easy access to both parents. Many of us already know the research expressing the developmental advantages of children with both parents. Plus, full custody is not practical or possible for all families.
The answer is related to setting boundaries for your family household - empowering yourselves with the right perspective. The right perspective is total acceptance of BioMom. You have no control over her and cannot change her if she doesn't want to change. This does not mean you have to play games. You and your spouse decide your limits of what you will and will not allow, what you will and will not do, and how far you will bend. You can do this and still treat BioMom with respect and courtesy. The biggest effect of total acceptance is the disappearance of resentment and anger. It is amazing how much more stable a once chaotic household can become once this is achieved. It's not quick and easy, but it can be done. All worthwhile goals take time and effort. This is one of them.
Gloria also discussed the higher divorce rate of stepfamilies. There is no consensus on the statistic because many cohabiting stepfamilies are not included in divorce stats when they separate. Some stats estimate this percentage, while others do not. I've seen the stat as high as 85% and low as 66%. Whichever stat is used, there is no mistake that 2nd families break up more frequently than first families. The percentage of stepfamilies that stick through the challenges estimate that it takes 7-10 years for them to feel comfortable with each other as a stepfamily.
The ladies on Stepmoms Toolbox are in successful stepfamilies and I'm very pleased for them. They commented that stepfamilies should "stick it out" because "it hurts but won't kill you." From my personal experience in a stepfamily, as well as a professional working with stepfamilies, I can not agree with this as a blanket statement. Many unhealthy behaviors and attitudes exist in the stepfamilies who break up. Unless these behaviors and attitudes are transformed into positives, maybe breaking up is better for these families. Maybe a few of them are dying - emotionally. Maybe they're changing into somebody they don't want to be. Maybe they are developing addictions in order to cope. There are many other maybe's. All of them are just more reasons to seek out a Stepfamily Professional. A professional may be able to reverse the negative trend into a positive. If not, at least a professional could provide a healthier perspective of the family's situation.
Several parents swear they will never marry or move in with somebody again because of how emotionally stressful the first situation was. That is the reason my mom decided to never remarry after divorcing my dad. I, too, felt that way when I first left my stepmom role. It took me a couple years to overcome that. What made the difference for me is understanding the dynamics of step and figuring out what could've been done differently to get different results. Through intensive soul-searching, I figured out how I had attracted a dysfunctional family. Now that I have finally found inner peace, I feel confident that I'll attract the right relationship/man when I'm ready. Our internal psyche leads us to others with a similar psyche, whether we realize it or not. Chapter Four of Gloria's book discusses remarrying the right people for the right reasons.
There is 1 final angle from the discussion I'd like to bring up. On the subject of a stepmom without children of her own coming into a stepfamily, Gloria's comments placed the burden of learning and adjusting on the stepmom. Because this blog-talk radio show is targeted to stepmoms, it's understandable why she didn't mention the biological dad. Still, it was an oversight to not urge her to confide in and lean more on her husband. This would only work if he also took the time and energy to learn about stepfamily dynamics and made a commitment to adjusting to their stepfamily *together*. These 2 people - Step Parent and Bio Parent - is the foundation of the stepfamily. The better they are at being a team increases the likelihood of becoming a healthy stepfamily.
On this same topic, Gloria imparted valuable insights. She mentioned the importance of learning new tools of parenting, admitting you don't know everything, are sometimes wrong, and have no desire to "replace" or be a better "Mom". I completely agree with all of these insights. I'd further extend this suggestion to the Bio Parent. Bio Parents sometimes get stuck in parenting a certain way, as if they always know best because they are the natural parent. This is not always the case. They are also human, which makes them fallible. Sometimes, their internal emotions of guilt or pride clouds their better judgment. Moreover, many single and joint parents fall into the "holiday parent" and lax on discipline. Little to no discipline by the Bio Parent translates to a tougher adjustment and more stress on a stepmom. A stepmom without children of her own is more acutely stressed when she is perceived to not know anything about parenting when in fact the Bio Dad is not disciplining appropriately. This is common in many households in which the step parent has no biological offspring.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
The most significant point Gloria made was the importance of mourning the loss of the first family. Both children and parents need to expend the energy to do it in their own way. Gloria gave several phases of the grieving process. Per the chapters in her book, I'm looking forward to reading the details of how she was able to do this. I'm confident this grieving process can also be used in the situation of a death of a spouse (parent). Gloria has gone through that personally. One detrimental effect of children not properly mourning the loss of their first family is defiance or anger. Please keep this in mind if you have a child or stepchild acting out or being disobedient.
Another point Gloria discussed is about discipline. She advocates all parents and spouses, including step parents and ex-spouses, should communicate and co-parent together. They should all be cooperative and develop long-range goals. I couldn't agree with this more. I advocate this, too, and readily admit this is the most ideal way to build a healthy strong cohesive stepfamily. I was disappointed, though, that she didn't offer specific ways to accomplish this. It's likely she covers this in the book. I know from working with families clinically how difficult this can be. It's difficult enough for 1 set of parents to agree on discipline issues, yet alone 2 sets (4 parents). For these families, total agreement may seem impossible. Setting up household rules is a step in that direction. Be sure to include consequences for breaking the rules and any specific exceptions. Gloria didn't mention that tip directly, but later suggested to set age-appropriate limits or rules.
When asked about a situation in which a StepMom was involved with a non-cooperative BioMom, Gloria reiterated the need for all co-parents to work together. If BioMom has any mental illness, BioDad should petition the court for full custody. She admitted there is no good answer because chaos ensues without good co-parenting. I somewhat disagree. Yes, the answer is not an easy one. Giving an answer is remarkably easier than implementing any tools. Although petitioning the court for full custody has benefits and is possible, it is a very arduous process and likely to fuel tempers and increase arguments. It detracts from the children having easy access to both parents. Many of us already know the research expressing the developmental advantages of children with both parents. Plus, full custody is not practical or possible for all families.
The answer is related to setting boundaries for your family household - empowering yourselves with the right perspective. The right perspective is total acceptance of BioMom. You have no control over her and cannot change her if she doesn't want to change. This does not mean you have to play games. You and your spouse decide your limits of what you will and will not allow, what you will and will not do, and how far you will bend. You can do this and still treat BioMom with respect and courtesy. The biggest effect of total acceptance is the disappearance of resentment and anger. It is amazing how much more stable a once chaotic household can become once this is achieved. It's not quick and easy, but it can be done. All worthwhile goals take time and effort. This is one of them.
Gloria also discussed the higher divorce rate of stepfamilies. There is no consensus on the statistic because many cohabiting stepfamilies are not included in divorce stats when they separate. Some stats estimate this percentage, while others do not. I've seen the stat as high as 85% and low as 66%. Whichever stat is used, there is no mistake that 2nd families break up more frequently than first families. The percentage of stepfamilies that stick through the challenges estimate that it takes 7-10 years for them to feel comfortable with each other as a stepfamily.
The ladies on Stepmoms Toolbox are in successful stepfamilies and I'm very pleased for them. They commented that stepfamilies should "stick it out" because "it hurts but won't kill you." From my personal experience in a stepfamily, as well as a professional working with stepfamilies, I can not agree with this as a blanket statement. Many unhealthy behaviors and attitudes exist in the stepfamilies who break up. Unless these behaviors and attitudes are transformed into positives, maybe breaking up is better for these families. Maybe a few of them are dying - emotionally. Maybe they're changing into somebody they don't want to be. Maybe they are developing addictions in order to cope. There are many other maybe's. All of them are just more reasons to seek out a Stepfamily Professional. A professional may be able to reverse the negative trend into a positive. If not, at least a professional could provide a healthier perspective of the family's situation.
Several parents swear they will never marry or move in with somebody again because of how emotionally stressful the first situation was. That is the reason my mom decided to never remarry after divorcing my dad. I, too, felt that way when I first left my stepmom role. It took me a couple years to overcome that. What made the difference for me is understanding the dynamics of step and figuring out what could've been done differently to get different results. Through intensive soul-searching, I figured out how I had attracted a dysfunctional family. Now that I have finally found inner peace, I feel confident that I'll attract the right relationship/man when I'm ready. Our internal psyche leads us to others with a similar psyche, whether we realize it or not. Chapter Four of Gloria's book discusses remarrying the right people for the right reasons.
There is 1 final angle from the discussion I'd like to bring up. On the subject of a stepmom without children of her own coming into a stepfamily, Gloria's comments placed the burden of learning and adjusting on the stepmom. Because this blog-talk radio show is targeted to stepmoms, it's understandable why she didn't mention the biological dad. Still, it was an oversight to not urge her to confide in and lean more on her husband. This would only work if he also took the time and energy to learn about stepfamily dynamics and made a commitment to adjusting to their stepfamily *together*. These 2 people - Step Parent and Bio Parent - is the foundation of the stepfamily. The better they are at being a team increases the likelihood of becoming a healthy stepfamily.
On this same topic, Gloria imparted valuable insights. She mentioned the importance of learning new tools of parenting, admitting you don't know everything, are sometimes wrong, and have no desire to "replace" or be a better "Mom". I completely agree with all of these insights. I'd further extend this suggestion to the Bio Parent. Bio Parents sometimes get stuck in parenting a certain way, as if they always know best because they are the natural parent. This is not always the case. They are also human, which makes them fallible. Sometimes, their internal emotions of guilt or pride clouds their better judgment. Moreover, many single and joint parents fall into the "holiday parent" and lax on discipline. Little to no discipline by the Bio Parent translates to a tougher adjustment and more stress on a stepmom. A stepmom without children of her own is more acutely stressed when she is perceived to not know anything about parenting when in fact the Bio Dad is not disciplining appropriately. This is common in many households in which the step parent has no biological offspring.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Love is Not Always Enough - My Stepfamily Experience
People often want to know about my experiences in a stepfamily. I have experiences as both a child and an adult in a stepfamily, but this post is only about my adult stepfamily experience.
I noticed many red flags before we moved in together, but I firmly believed everything changes. One can never know in what way something will change, for good or worse. Plus, I believed we can make our relationship work if we really loved each other and were both willing to work on it. I still believe in these things, but I now understand important underlying principles - what kinds of changes occur in stepfamilies and the depths of what it means to work on any relationship, specifically a stepfamily.
Simply put, I became involved in a dysfunctional family. They were dysfunctional before I fell in love, but I did not realize it until we were living together. In truth, I didn't *get* the full picture until after we broke up.
Here are a few of the bigger issues we faced: 1) My ex did not legally divorce the mother of his children. 2) She was unemployed for a long time, thus leaning on us financially. She found a job making more money than the combined income of my ex and me; yet, she still struggled to keep the utilities on and the mortgage up to date. We helped her many times. 3) She was Clinically Depressed (although not formally diagnosed) and suicidal. 4) She frequented bars or went out regularly, thus relinquishing motherly duties to my ex and myself a lot. 5) Both my ex and the mother of his children, as well as several friends in their circle, got high from marijuana a lot. Several of them did that daily. My ex got high 3-5 times/week on average. 6) My step children were rarely disciplined at all. This was due to guilt and each parent sharing the role of the Holiday Parent. Informal custody was switched from his mother to us after only a few months of our cohabitation. Naturally, they resented any discipline from me. 7) My ex was Co-Dependent! Finally, but not least 8) My ex changed his mind about having more children. Later, I lost respect for his inability to "parent" (AKA discipline); I no longer wanted to have children with him, even after he changed his mind again. He changed his mind a few more times, but I think it was to persuade me to stay.
Many indirect obstacles resulted from each of the above macro problems. Numerous arguments and unhealthy interaction abounded. Through all of these ordeals, there was no doubt of my love for him. I was whole-heartedly in love with him and would have done anything for him. Inside, he was still the same sweet, funny, intelligent man I fell in love with. He was the type of person who would help anybody, like the time we stopped so he could help a stranger change a tire. His friends were supremely loyal because each could site a list of ways he helped them. He loved kids and they loved spending time with him. He loved with a heart of a child and knew how to have a good time sober. He appreciated all animals. He saved a crippled bird from the neighborhood cat and we nursed it to health 'til it could fly. Yet, he didn't truly like himself. He didn't think he was worth loving. Nothing I could do could make him happy. That hurt me immensely, to the depth of my being. After 7, I lost count how many times we broke up and got back together.
Eventually, my internal desire to be whole - sane - triumphed over my genuine love for him. After living together for 2 1/2 years, and being in a relationship with him for 3 1/2 years, I knew it was time for me to leave. My sanity was at stake. My relationship with my family was strained because they couldn't understand why I chose to stay for so long. After I moved to another state, we were going to give it another try. We felt more resolute than ever to work harder at fixing the problems and were excited about him moving down to Florida, my new state of residence. After 1 year, I realized nothing changed - only the geography. The same problems existed. The ultimate termination of that relationship was when he realized on his own terms that he could not leave his children and wouldn't be able to bring the youngest with him. The eldest 2 were in college.
I conscientiously decided to stay as long as I did. Therefore, I have no regrets for not leaving sooner. However, I wouldn't recommend anybody staying in an unhealthy situation such as this. Once it is determined to be unhealthy, you've tried as best you can to intervene or bring awareness of the unhealthy situation, and you realize there is nothing more you can do to influence positive change, then it is in the best interest of your spiritual well-being to leave.
Coming Soon: a post on the 5 phases of Change. Change is possible regardless of age, gender, religion, and social standing.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Repairing and building relationships in step families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
I noticed many red flags before we moved in together, but I firmly believed everything changes. One can never know in what way something will change, for good or worse. Plus, I believed we can make our relationship work if we really loved each other and were both willing to work on it. I still believe in these things, but I now understand important underlying principles - what kinds of changes occur in stepfamilies and the depths of what it means to work on any relationship, specifically a stepfamily.
Simply put, I became involved in a dysfunctional family. They were dysfunctional before I fell in love, but I did not realize it until we were living together. In truth, I didn't *get* the full picture until after we broke up.
Here are a few of the bigger issues we faced: 1) My ex did not legally divorce the mother of his children. 2) She was unemployed for a long time, thus leaning on us financially. She found a job making more money than the combined income of my ex and me; yet, she still struggled to keep the utilities on and the mortgage up to date. We helped her many times. 3) She was Clinically Depressed (although not formally diagnosed) and suicidal. 4) She frequented bars or went out regularly, thus relinquishing motherly duties to my ex and myself a lot. 5) Both my ex and the mother of his children, as well as several friends in their circle, got high from marijuana a lot. Several of them did that daily. My ex got high 3-5 times/week on average. 6) My step children were rarely disciplined at all. This was due to guilt and each parent sharing the role of the Holiday Parent. Informal custody was switched from his mother to us after only a few months of our cohabitation. Naturally, they resented any discipline from me. 7) My ex was Co-Dependent! Finally, but not least 8) My ex changed his mind about having more children. Later, I lost respect for his inability to "parent" (AKA discipline); I no longer wanted to have children with him, even after he changed his mind again. He changed his mind a few more times, but I think it was to persuade me to stay.
Many indirect obstacles resulted from each of the above macro problems. Numerous arguments and unhealthy interaction abounded. Through all of these ordeals, there was no doubt of my love for him. I was whole-heartedly in love with him and would have done anything for him. Inside, he was still the same sweet, funny, intelligent man I fell in love with. He was the type of person who would help anybody, like the time we stopped so he could help a stranger change a tire. His friends were supremely loyal because each could site a list of ways he helped them. He loved kids and they loved spending time with him. He loved with a heart of a child and knew how to have a good time sober. He appreciated all animals. He saved a crippled bird from the neighborhood cat and we nursed it to health 'til it could fly. Yet, he didn't truly like himself. He didn't think he was worth loving. Nothing I could do could make him happy. That hurt me immensely, to the depth of my being. After 7, I lost count how many times we broke up and got back together.
Eventually, my internal desire to be whole - sane - triumphed over my genuine love for him. After living together for 2 1/2 years, and being in a relationship with him for 3 1/2 years, I knew it was time for me to leave. My sanity was at stake. My relationship with my family was strained because they couldn't understand why I chose to stay for so long. After I moved to another state, we were going to give it another try. We felt more resolute than ever to work harder at fixing the problems and were excited about him moving down to Florida, my new state of residence. After 1 year, I realized nothing changed - only the geography. The same problems existed. The ultimate termination of that relationship was when he realized on his own terms that he could not leave his children and wouldn't be able to bring the youngest with him. The eldest 2 were in college.
I conscientiously decided to stay as long as I did. Therefore, I have no regrets for not leaving sooner. However, I wouldn't recommend anybody staying in an unhealthy situation such as this. Once it is determined to be unhealthy, you've tried as best you can to intervene or bring awareness of the unhealthy situation, and you realize there is nothing more you can do to influence positive change, then it is in the best interest of your spiritual well-being to leave.
Coming Soon: a post on the 5 phases of Change. Change is possible regardless of age, gender, religion, and social standing.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Repairing and building relationships in step families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Different Rules; Different Households
A common problem faced by stepfamilies has to do with discipline across two separate households. Disciplining children is difficult in itself. No parent likes to discipline their children, but it’s a necessity in order to get the desired results – following the rules. You set up the rules in the first place because it is important for you to convey specific values, manners, and ways of behaving.
It takes a lot of work to consistently enforce the rules. Enforcing the rules sometimes means giving punishment or imposing restrictions that your child is less than happy about. Yet, you stick to your guns because you know it is the right thing to do. You know that it will make your child a better person – stronger, smarter, more well-rounded, more courteous, or the like. Because of that, and because you know it is temporary, you bear through the grumbling and resentment directed toward you. You know that he/she will eventually forgive you and your relationship will go back to normal – whatever “normal” is for you both.
Ahhh! You breathe a sigh of relief. Then your child spends some time at the other home – of the other biological parent. When he/she returns, he/she is behaving contradictory to what is acceptable by your standards. What is going on? You already spoke to him/her about the issue. You explained why it is wrong. Worst of all, now you have to punish him/her again. You set out to do your duty, which also includes yet another discussion of what is appropriate vs. non-appropriate behavior and why. When you finish your short lecture, your son/daughter innocently looks up at you and says, “But Dad (or Mom) lets me do it at his (her) house! I understand what you said, but I’m confused about why it’s wrong here and not there.”
Now what? Your heart jumps into your throat, making it hard to swallow. You feel your pulse quicken as your blood starts to boil. Your mind starts racing. What should you say? You know why it is wrong. It is very clear in your mind how the action went against the values you were trying to instill. You’re upset, or perhaps even furious, that you even have to deal with this. What on earth is the other biological parent thinking? How could he (she) possibly think this is OK? How could he (she) put me in this predicament? And what on earth am I supposed to say?
You think very hard. You know you should respect the other parent and shouldn’t say anything bad about him/her; but your thoughts of the other person are far from nice right now. You think even harder. Beads of sweat start to form on your forehead. Your child breaks the silence, “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If I can do it over there, it must not be wrong.” You don’t know how much time passed, but his statement jolts you back to reality. You have to say something and you have to say it now. But what?
The best thing to say is simple. “Every household has a different set of rules. In that house, what you did (name the act) may be fine, but in this house, it is against the rules. End of story.” Some children might just accept this and end the discussion. However, many others would continue to prod you to explain what is “wrong”, “right”, and why. This is very tricky territory. It is a delicate balance to explain all of this coherently without making the other parent sound bad, especially on the spur of the moment and/or when you’re fuming that he (she) allowed the unacceptable behavior in the first place. For these reasons, I don’t recommend trying to explain anything at this time. The above statement is a safe and simple way to end the discussion, not badmouth the other parent, and reestablish the rules in your household. In fact, it’s Ok to NOT have any further conversation about the matter if you’re not comfortable enough to do it. However, if you feel strongly about clearing things up, at least take advantage of the time you bought yourself with this line. The statement speaks for itself and nothing more needs to be said. This will also give you time to shake off any negative feelings you may be harboring about the other parent – or at least suppress them enough for the discussion.
Keep in mind that kids easily adapt to different rules in different situations. In fact, they have already adapted. They have different rules in each one of their friends’ houses. They have as many sets of rules as the number of friends and other places they visit. They’ve also adjusted to the rules in their school classroom, athletic organizations, and social groups they belong to. These include church, 4-H, Girl Scouts, and Little League to name a few.
The ideal situation would be for all parents of both households to sit down together to draw up the rules, as well as the consequences for breaking the rules, that would be the same in both households. However, this is far from practical in most stepfamilies for reasons that are too complicated to discuss here.
The important items to remember are these:
1. It’s OK to have different rules in each household because kids are already accustomed to having different rules when visiting their friends, going to church, or participating in a social group.
2. It is not necessary to give an explanation of the differences. It is just simply “different” – not “wrong” or “right”.
3. If it is important to you that your child understands the underlying values being taught, take the time to think about what you’re going to say.
4. Be sure you don’t hold resentment toward the other parent, or have suppressed it well. This will make it easier to not accidentally bad-mouth him/her.
5. If or when it is possible, work with the parent (s) in the other household to establish rules and consequences for the children that will be effective in both houses.
It takes a lot of work to consistently enforce the rules. Enforcing the rules sometimes means giving punishment or imposing restrictions that your child is less than happy about. Yet, you stick to your guns because you know it is the right thing to do. You know that it will make your child a better person – stronger, smarter, more well-rounded, more courteous, or the like. Because of that, and because you know it is temporary, you bear through the grumbling and resentment directed toward you. You know that he/she will eventually forgive you and your relationship will go back to normal – whatever “normal” is for you both.
Ahhh! You breathe a sigh of relief. Then your child spends some time at the other home – of the other biological parent. When he/she returns, he/she is behaving contradictory to what is acceptable by your standards. What is going on? You already spoke to him/her about the issue. You explained why it is wrong. Worst of all, now you have to punish him/her again. You set out to do your duty, which also includes yet another discussion of what is appropriate vs. non-appropriate behavior and why. When you finish your short lecture, your son/daughter innocently looks up at you and says, “But Dad (or Mom) lets me do it at his (her) house! I understand what you said, but I’m confused about why it’s wrong here and not there.”
Now what? Your heart jumps into your throat, making it hard to swallow. You feel your pulse quicken as your blood starts to boil. Your mind starts racing. What should you say? You know why it is wrong. It is very clear in your mind how the action went against the values you were trying to instill. You’re upset, or perhaps even furious, that you even have to deal with this. What on earth is the other biological parent thinking? How could he (she) possibly think this is OK? How could he (she) put me in this predicament? And what on earth am I supposed to say?
You think very hard. You know you should respect the other parent and shouldn’t say anything bad about him/her; but your thoughts of the other person are far from nice right now. You think even harder. Beads of sweat start to form on your forehead. Your child breaks the silence, “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If I can do it over there, it must not be wrong.” You don’t know how much time passed, but his statement jolts you back to reality. You have to say something and you have to say it now. But what?
The best thing to say is simple. “Every household has a different set of rules. In that house, what you did (name the act) may be fine, but in this house, it is against the rules. End of story.” Some children might just accept this and end the discussion. However, many others would continue to prod you to explain what is “wrong”, “right”, and why. This is very tricky territory. It is a delicate balance to explain all of this coherently without making the other parent sound bad, especially on the spur of the moment and/or when you’re fuming that he (she) allowed the unacceptable behavior in the first place. For these reasons, I don’t recommend trying to explain anything at this time. The above statement is a safe and simple way to end the discussion, not badmouth the other parent, and reestablish the rules in your household. In fact, it’s Ok to NOT have any further conversation about the matter if you’re not comfortable enough to do it. However, if you feel strongly about clearing things up, at least take advantage of the time you bought yourself with this line. The statement speaks for itself and nothing more needs to be said. This will also give you time to shake off any negative feelings you may be harboring about the other parent – or at least suppress them enough for the discussion.
Keep in mind that kids easily adapt to different rules in different situations. In fact, they have already adapted. They have different rules in each one of their friends’ houses. They have as many sets of rules as the number of friends and other places they visit. They’ve also adjusted to the rules in their school classroom, athletic organizations, and social groups they belong to. These include church, 4-H, Girl Scouts, and Little League to name a few.
The ideal situation would be for all parents of both households to sit down together to draw up the rules, as well as the consequences for breaking the rules, that would be the same in both households. However, this is far from practical in most stepfamilies for reasons that are too complicated to discuss here.
The important items to remember are these:
1. It’s OK to have different rules in each household because kids are already accustomed to having different rules when visiting their friends, going to church, or participating in a social group.
2. It is not necessary to give an explanation of the differences. It is just simply “different” – not “wrong” or “right”.
3. If it is important to you that your child understands the underlying values being taught, take the time to think about what you’re going to say.
4. Be sure you don’t hold resentment toward the other parent, or have suppressed it well. This will make it easier to not accidentally bad-mouth him/her.
5. If or when it is possible, work with the parent (s) in the other household to establish rules and consequences for the children that will be effective in both houses.
Discipline by Step vs. Custodial Parents
Ideally, rules should be discussed and agreed upon by both the biological parent and stepparent. If an agreement cannot be made on a rule, the stepparent should submit to the rule of the biological parent. The rules should be the same for all children (with exceptions for age-related rules). Additionally, the consequences for breaking each rule should be decided at the same time. Thus, when the biological parent is not home, the stepparent has full authority to punish, per the written agreement of the step and biological parent. Under these circumstances, the child perceives the punishment as given by his/her own parent instead of a non-parent.
If there is an occasion in which a child is punished for doing something not listed among the rules, the stepparent should have full authority to settle the matter him/herself. The biological parent needs to make it clear ahead of time that the stepparent has authority and should be obeyed. In the same manner, the biological parent should have an open-door policy about any concerns/issues the child has. The biological parent should support the stepparent in his/her decision whether or not he/she agreed with the decision. If it is felt that the step did not handle the matter in an acceptable fashion, a (healthy) discussion should ensue concerning the preferred method of handling the matter. If there is a chance of the matter repeating, a rule should be set up along with the consequences for breaking that rule.
I want to be clear on the biggest points regarding discipline.
1. The stepparent should have authority when the biological parent is not home. The biological parent should make this point clear to the children.
2. Rules should be decided upon together between the step and biological parent, as well as the consequences for breaking each rule. They should be written and easily accessible by every member of the household.
3. If or when the step parent and biological parent don’t agree upon a rule, it is best for the step parent to acquiesce and agree to the biological parent’s rule. This is especially important in the beginning stages of living together. As time passes and the step parent gains respect of the children, the authority can and should equalize.
4. The stepparent can and should freely enforce the rules, per consequences previously established, without concern for being admonished later. He/she should feel comfortable making decisions on issues not listed in the rules.
5. The children want to feel that their own parent is providing the rules. Otherwise, resentment toward the step may likely follow.
If there is an occasion in which a child is punished for doing something not listed among the rules, the stepparent should have full authority to settle the matter him/herself. The biological parent needs to make it clear ahead of time that the stepparent has authority and should be obeyed. In the same manner, the biological parent should have an open-door policy about any concerns/issues the child has. The biological parent should support the stepparent in his/her decision whether or not he/she agreed with the decision. If it is felt that the step did not handle the matter in an acceptable fashion, a (healthy) discussion should ensue concerning the preferred method of handling the matter. If there is a chance of the matter repeating, a rule should be set up along with the consequences for breaking that rule.
I want to be clear on the biggest points regarding discipline.
1. The stepparent should have authority when the biological parent is not home. The biological parent should make this point clear to the children.
2. Rules should be decided upon together between the step and biological parent, as well as the consequences for breaking each rule. They should be written and easily accessible by every member of the household.
3. If or when the step parent and biological parent don’t agree upon a rule, it is best for the step parent to acquiesce and agree to the biological parent’s rule. This is especially important in the beginning stages of living together. As time passes and the step parent gains respect of the children, the authority can and should equalize.
4. The stepparent can and should freely enforce the rules, per consequences previously established, without concern for being admonished later. He/she should feel comfortable making decisions on issues not listed in the rules.
5. The children want to feel that their own parent is providing the rules. Otherwise, resentment toward the step may likely follow.
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