Have a Happy Holiday Season

I hope everybody has a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or other festival, and an enjoyable holiday season!

Please remember 2 things:
1) Take time for yourself as well. Giving is what Christmas is about, but give to yourself as well. Give yourself quality time of relaxation or to do something you enjoy. Savor the time with your family.

2) The best gift you can give your children, whether step or biological, is to not argue with the other biological or step parent. If they aren't around to argue with, don't talk bad about them. This is a sign of your love for them because it is truly in their best interest.

Best Regards,


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

Forms of Stepfamilies

Thirteen hundred new families are forming every day. The majority of these are one of the forms of a step family. Interestingly, most of these families aren't aware of it. In fact, many people are surprised to learn that they are in a stepfamily.

They tell me they aren't in a stepfamily because neither of their parents remarried after the divorce. The fact is that more people cohabitate (live together without getting married) after a divorce than remarry. This is also known as recoupling. Even though a couple is not legally married, the non-biological parent is still acting as a step parent in the household. Therefore, the dynamics of step families apply in their situation.

Or people will tell me they are single; thus, they aren't in a step family. When asked if they have a child, and if the other biological parent of the child remarried, the answer is yes. True, they themselves are not step parents. Yet, they are in a step family because their child has a step parent. Because they are still a part of their child's life, and can influence him/her, they are a part of the step family.

The next scenario is my favorite because it elicits the most surprised and interesting response. Single parents who are dating also fit into a form of a step family. Once either parent starts dating, the dynamics of becoming a step family also start. How the parents explain the divorce or separation, how well they get along after the divorce / separation, how the parents introduce the new potential partner to the kids, and many other factors, all affect how well the family transitions into a step family after the parent moves in with another adult, with the children. This form of a step family is the least obvious form because there are not many arguments or problems during this phase. Ironically, it is the most important time to learn about what it means to be a step family, because what the parents do and how they do it could make a huge impact in the future of the relationship / family. When the parent finally decides to move in with his/her significant other and/or marry her/him, it is even more critical to learn what to expect after the move-in will take place. It could make the biggest difference between extensive turmoil among family members vs the average amount of stress that usually comes with change or moving to a new place.

Regardless of what form of step family you are in, there is potential for harmony or disharmony. There are numerous factors that can affect the stress in your family (or potential stress). If you are in a step family, I strongly suggest that you contact a Step Family Coach in order to get informed.

There are 5 different forms of a stepfamily are as follows:

1. Divorced with children. The child(ren) reside(s) with 1 parent and visits the other, or the child(ren) alternate residences of the 2 parents. Most of these parents are dating or looking for a new partner.
2. Remarried or recoupled. Only 1 adult has (a) child(ren) from a previous relationship. Sometimes these new unions have additional children.
3. Remarried or recoupled. Both adults have (a) child(ren) from a previous relationship. Sometimes these unions have additional children.
4. Never-married single mothers and dating. Occasionally these moms are non-custodial parents. Their children visit her or she visits them. They often become recoupled.
5. Never-married single fathers and dating. Occasionally these dads are non-custodial parents. They visit their children or have the children visit them. They often become recoupled.
   

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

I Will Not Give Up My Child

All biological parents, especially mothers, implicitly understand the strength of the bond between them and their children. The bond starts in her womb before they can speak, touch, see, smell, or hear. It grows every day that the child grows. After the child is born, he/she learns about the world through his/her parents. Similarly, the parents learn about their children through all of his/her experiences with the world. They learn what the child likes or dislikes, their mannerisms, and what the tone of each cry or sound means. Nobody knows children like their biological parents do. As children get older, dependence on their parents declines, but never diminishes. On the contrary, their experiences - with their parents - grow exponentially, because each new day brings new memories. Each one of those memories serves to strengthen the bond.

Nothing can ever break that bond. Nothing. It is the nature of the biological bond between a mother/child and father/child. Not even divorce or separation, which affects nearly 50% of all biological families, can negate the bond. That is a true statement; yet, few people are able to internalize it. By internalize, I mean understand the nature of this bond to the depths of his/her heart-soul. The reason I know this is because of the type of conflict that transpires between households of stepfamilies. If parents and step parents can take even small steps toward learning the significance of this message, they can begin to build or repair relationships.

Instead, fear sets in. It starts after the divorce/separation when they have to settle for seeing their child less often. They fear that the child will somehow lose interest in spending time with him/her, or worse yet, that the child won't love him/her as much. Granted, as a child matures and starts getting a social life, doing things with mom and dad is definitely less appealing. However, this is not the case in all situations AND, this should not be miscontrued as less love. The child still loves his/her parent as much as always, but might not tell the parent very much. After the other parent starts dating, the fear deepens. Now the fear extends to thinking that the child will start to love the step parent more than him/her. This could not be further from the truth.

Like all fears, this is generated from the subconscious mind. It can be controlled or altered, but only if people are first aware of it. Unfortunately, it manifests itself in many ways that come across as peculiar to everybody else. Maybe the first wife/husband has many odd requests, behaviors, or habits. It probably seems that he/she just simply wants to make things harder for the step parent (or the entire family that does not include him/her). Indeed, this is probably true. The harder it is for you, the easier it is for them (the first / biological parent) to be the "hero/heroine". They look better if you have to fumble - or get so frustrated that you simply lose it.

No, they are not crazy, and neither are you!! They have a lot of fear about losing their child. To them, they feel they have already lost their child in many ways. They lost the intact family they once had. Plus, parents don't "feel" the bond with their child(ren) anymore because everybody's love is being covered up by the more predominant negative emotions. Although the love is still there and unconditional, the children are acting on their emotions which make it seem otherwise. To add insult to injury, another person is acting as parent for his/her child(ren). In short, they feel like they have to give up their child to another and they don't like it. In improved situations, parents feel like they have to "share" their child. This is also not easy, but it doesn't produce the same level of negative effects as the feeling of a "loss".

What I'm asking you to do is to DIG DEEP IN YOUR HEART to try and understand the strength of that natural bond of a mother/child and father/child. Moreover, please begin to understand the fear of losing that bond which often accompanies divorce/separation, as well as the fear/refusal to give up their child to another parent. If you can do that, and believe me I KNOW how hard that is, you have just made the first step toward building/repairing the relationship with the ex-spouse. It's OK if you're not ready for - or can't even fathom - a "relationship" with him/her. For now, simply try to put yourself in his/her heart.

(Note: I use the word other parent instead of "non-custodial" in this situation since many divorcees now have joint custody in which the child spends 50% of his/her time in each household. Also, this blog excludes situations in which 1 biological parent is estranged from their child(ren). I will address this issue separately at a later time).

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps, Solutions for Today's Families.
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Discipline by Step vs. Custodial Parents

Ideally, rules should be discussed and agreed upon by both the biological parent and stepparent. If an agreement cannot be made on a rule, the stepparent should submit to the rule of the biological parent. The rules should be the same for all children (with exceptions for age-related rules). Additionally, the consequences for breaking each rule should be decided at the same time. Thus, when the biological parent is not home, the stepparent has full authority to punish, per the written agreement of the step and biological parent. Under these circumstances, the child perceives the punishment as given by his/her own parent instead of a non-parent.

If there is an occasion in which a child is punished for doing something not listed among the rules, the stepparent should have full authority to settle the matter him/herself. The biological parent needs to make it clear ahead of time that the stepparent has authority and should be obeyed. In the same manner, the biological parent should have an open-door policy about any concerns/issues the child has. The biological parent should support the stepparent in his/her decision whether or not he/she agreed with the decision. If it is felt that the step did not handle the matter in an acceptable fashion, a (healthy) discussion should ensue concerning the preferred method of handling the matter. If there is a chance of the matter repeating, a rule should be set up along with the consequences for breaking that rule.

I want to be clear on the biggest points regarding discipline.
1. The stepparent should have authority when the biological parent is not home. The biological parent should make this point clear to the children.
2. Rules should be decided upon together between the step and biological parent, as well as the consequences for breaking each rule. They should be written and easily accessible by every member of the household.
3. If or when the step parent and biological parent don’t agree upon a rule, it is best for the step parent to acquiesce and agree to the biological parent’s rule. This is especially important in the beginning stages of living together. As time passes and the step parent gains respect of the children, the authority can and should equalize.
4. The stepparent can and should freely enforce the rules, per consequences previously established, without concern for being admonished later. He/she should feel comfortable making decisions on issues not listed in the rules.
5. The children want to feel that their own parent is providing the rules. Otherwise, resentment toward the step may likely follow.

Misconception of Instant Love

One day while I was driving around running errands, I was listening to the radio. The special guest of the day was a psychologist discussing “the challenge of being a step mother/father". It didn't take long before I became really upset about a few opinions she offered that can not realistically work in a stepfamily.

Before I proceed, I want to stress that I respect the field of Psychology and all of the knowledge derived through research in the Social Sciences. [I also have degrees in Psychology and Sociology.] This expert merely dispensed what she learned, which has been confirmed as good advice by the success in biological families. Research within the Social Sciences has not caught up with family issues of this millennium. Just as it took a few decades for the effects of divorce to be understood, a true understanding of stepfamilies is just now rearing its head.

A distraught girl called in to comment on her situation. She strongly dislikes her stepfather disciplining her and believes he does not like her. The expert asked if the stepparent ever told her how much he loved her, to which she replied no. The expert then discussed how "wrong" it is for stepparents to not tell their stepchildren they love the kids. She stated that the stepfather in this situation would probably get better results from the girl if he told her he loved her. This could not be farther from the truth. Interestingly, she didn't ask the girl if it would make a difference. I also thought it was interesting that this expert did not ask the girl if she loved the stepparent.

This line of thought is a common reason for turmoil in stepfamilies. It is unrealistic to expect a stepparent and stepchildren to automatically love each other once the parents marry (or cohabitate). For many people, the expectation is only one-sided; they expect the stepparent to automatically love the stepchildren, but think it’s OK for the stepchildren to not love the stepparent. All family members are equal in their humanity. As such, the expectation for each should be equal. It takes a long time for most people to fall in love. Additionally, many potential stepparents don't meet the children until several months (sometimes years) after dating the biological parent. Usually, there is a gradual integration of the step into the family. Sometimes, the integration happens over a short period of time. Moreover, the connection between a stepparent and stepchild is not and cannot be on the same level as the connection between the two adults. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable for a stepparent and stepchild to not “love” each other. Of course, common courtesy and respect are always manditory. I'll get back to this in a minute.

Now think about our closest friends. Did they become close friends over night? Although a few of you are saying yes, this is a very small percentage. For most people, this takes a long time. So how can we expect even a strong friendship, yet alone instant love, between a stepparent and a stepchild? In fact, expecting instant love (or even a strong friendship) causes undo stress and guilt to the stepfamily members. They feel pressured to feel love when they don't, and often feel guilty. This guilt manifests itself through arguing, which leads to other stressful situations.

This doesn't mean that the step can't/won't "care" for the stepchildren - only that there shouldn't be any "expectations" of love. A must for stepfamilies, however, is to always show common courtesy and respect to every other family member and their opinions. Similarly, the stepparent's actions and behaviors should ALWAYS reflect the best interest of the child's welfare. This is important enough to restate again clearly: A stepparent’s actions and behaviors should always emit a concern for the safety and wellbeing of the child. As long as each family member is treated with respect and is accepted for being him/herself, it doesn’t matter if they “love” each other.