I hope everybody has a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or other festival, and an enjoyable holiday season!
Please remember 2 things:
1) Take time for yourself as well. Giving is what Christmas is about, but give to yourself as well. Give yourself quality time of relaxation or to do something you enjoy. Savor the time with your family.
2) The best gift you can give your children, whether step or biological, is to not argue with the other biological or step parent. If they aren't around to argue with, don't talk bad about them. This is a sign of your love for them because it is truly in their best interest.
Best Regards,
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Showing posts with label stepfamily. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stepfamily. Show all posts
Friday, December 24, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
One Thanksgiving in a Dysfunctional Stepfamily – A True Story
I hope everybody had an exceptional Thanksgiving Day, stayed safe, had enough to eat, and found plenty of things to be grateful for. Blessings to you! This blog entry is not targeted to you.
This blog is targeted to the folks who had trouble finding things to be thankful for or otherwise had a miserable Thanksgiving. We all want to be happy, particularly on holidays. We like to think of Thanksgiving Day as an opportunity to spend quality time with loved ones – close friends or family. We like to laugh, share stories and food, and maybe play games together. In fact, this is what I did yesterday. However, not all of my Thanksgiving Days have been good. As much as I’d like to believe it was isolated to only my family for 1 year, I know that isn’t the case. It is an unfortunate reality that many people spend the holidays alone, depressed, knee-deep in arguments, fielding inquiries from police, or some other unfortunate circumstance.
The following is a true story of my Thanksgiving Day several years ago. It is one illustration of one holiday in a highly dysfunctional stepfamily. I decided to share this personal story so that other people who have had a depressing holiday may be able to feel better about their day. Sometimes, hearing of others’ misfortune makes us feel better about ours; it reminds us that somebody somewhere is in a worse position. This story is for you.
It was the first Thanksgiving I was going to spend with my boyfriend’s family. His entire family was going to be there: his dad, stepmom, kids, granddaughter, brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces. I was very nervous to say the least. I figured it was going to be awkward and was feeling leery. On the other hand, I was looking forward to finally getting a taste of deep-fried turkey. It was our job to bring the kosher foods tray. I spent a considerable time finding the tiered serving tray and arranging the variety of pickles and olives in a way to make it presentable for a high-class affair. I had no idea I was going to be the only one eating it as I spent the day alone.
His children, who were living with their mother, would meet us at his sister’s house, about 11:30 AM or so. Plans changed early in the day when his daughter called. She had a major argument with her mom, which got a little physical. I don’t recall specific details, but know she was in a very bad mood and hid the car keys. Her mom called the police. I believe the intention was to have her removed from the premises. My boyfriend went over to try and resolve matters. He took my cell phone, since he didn’t have one, to call his sister and tell her we’d all be late. He was supposed to call me with updates. He also took my car because his daughter and not-quite-ex (they weren’t legally divorced) was borrowing his. They didn’t have a car, so he and I shared mine. The new plan was to resolve the issue and come back to pick me up so we could all go to his sister’s together.
He did not take me with him for 2 main reasons. One: he didn’t like to involve me in their personal struggles; Two: I was not allowed inside their house, so I would’ve had to wait out in the cold in the car or driveway. I didn’t mind staying at home, though, because I wanted to spend a little longer making the food tray look presentable.
A long time passed before I got a call. He shared very little, but it was clear we wouldn’t make it to his sister’s before they started eating. I was still expecting to go whenever his daughter would give up the car keys or they finally found them. Hours passed without a word. I called my cell phone a few times, but nobody answered. I no longer had any clue of what was going on.
At first, I tried to hold out on eating, but was too hungry to restrain. Then I remembered that we hadn’t had time to go grocery shopping yet due to the crazy schedule that week. The only part of the tray I liked was the pickles. I thought about finding a restaurant that was open on Thanksgiving, but remembered I had no transportation. I thought of calling his family to come get me, but their phone numbers were stored in my cell phone. So let’s recap. I was home alone. I had no food other than pickles and olives, and I didn’t like olives. I had no transportation to drive anywhere. I couldn’t reach my ex and didn’t have his family’s phone numbers. I wouldn’t know what to tell them anyway, because he didn’t want to share this stuff with them either.
I wasn’t really looking forward to spending an awkward day amongst his family. Yet, I would’ve given anything to do that over being alone. This was my third Thanksgiving in this cold state, far from my immediate family, and the previous 2 were no picnic either. I missed my family tremendously. I would’ve given anything to be back home that day. Instead, I cried while thinking of home. I called my mom, sisters, and friends to vent and cry on a virtual shoulder. My Thanksgiving dinner turned out to be a bologna sandwich and a few pickles. It didn’t fill me up, but I didn’t have much of an appetite.
My ex finally came home after dark. Apparently his daughter had got physical with him too, which resulted in his face getting scratched. She said many hurtful things to him and everybody else. She never turned over the car keys. They never found them. He finally got tired of lecturing her or whatever he was doing for so many hours. He made it clear to her that she ruined many people’s Thanksgiving Day that year. I found out later that his sister had called my cell phone several times. She was going to offer to come pick me up, but she thought I was with him at their house dealing with all the issues.
This type of episode was not that unusual, but happening on a holiday was the worst timing. In a society which prefers touching inspirational stories that make people smile, this story is made of stuff we don’t like to talk about or acknowledge. As sad as this story is, I’m sure somebody else can top it with a worse story. To everybody who feels their Thanksgiving was better, I sincerely hope you can realize all the wonderful things in your life to be gracious for. If you still can’t find something, write me so I can help you find it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
This blog is targeted to the folks who had trouble finding things to be thankful for or otherwise had a miserable Thanksgiving. We all want to be happy, particularly on holidays. We like to think of Thanksgiving Day as an opportunity to spend quality time with loved ones – close friends or family. We like to laugh, share stories and food, and maybe play games together. In fact, this is what I did yesterday. However, not all of my Thanksgiving Days have been good. As much as I’d like to believe it was isolated to only my family for 1 year, I know that isn’t the case. It is an unfortunate reality that many people spend the holidays alone, depressed, knee-deep in arguments, fielding inquiries from police, or some other unfortunate circumstance.
The following is a true story of my Thanksgiving Day several years ago. It is one illustration of one holiday in a highly dysfunctional stepfamily. I decided to share this personal story so that other people who have had a depressing holiday may be able to feel better about their day. Sometimes, hearing of others’ misfortune makes us feel better about ours; it reminds us that somebody somewhere is in a worse position. This story is for you.
It was the first Thanksgiving I was going to spend with my boyfriend’s family. His entire family was going to be there: his dad, stepmom, kids, granddaughter, brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces. I was very nervous to say the least. I figured it was going to be awkward and was feeling leery. On the other hand, I was looking forward to finally getting a taste of deep-fried turkey. It was our job to bring the kosher foods tray. I spent a considerable time finding the tiered serving tray and arranging the variety of pickles and olives in a way to make it presentable for a high-class affair. I had no idea I was going to be the only one eating it as I spent the day alone.
His children, who were living with their mother, would meet us at his sister’s house, about 11:30 AM or so. Plans changed early in the day when his daughter called. She had a major argument with her mom, which got a little physical. I don’t recall specific details, but know she was in a very bad mood and hid the car keys. Her mom called the police. I believe the intention was to have her removed from the premises. My boyfriend went over to try and resolve matters. He took my cell phone, since he didn’t have one, to call his sister and tell her we’d all be late. He was supposed to call me with updates. He also took my car because his daughter and not-quite-ex (they weren’t legally divorced) was borrowing his. They didn’t have a car, so he and I shared mine. The new plan was to resolve the issue and come back to pick me up so we could all go to his sister’s together.
He did not take me with him for 2 main reasons. One: he didn’t like to involve me in their personal struggles; Two: I was not allowed inside their house, so I would’ve had to wait out in the cold in the car or driveway. I didn’t mind staying at home, though, because I wanted to spend a little longer making the food tray look presentable.
A long time passed before I got a call. He shared very little, but it was clear we wouldn’t make it to his sister’s before they started eating. I was still expecting to go whenever his daughter would give up the car keys or they finally found them. Hours passed without a word. I called my cell phone a few times, but nobody answered. I no longer had any clue of what was going on.
At first, I tried to hold out on eating, but was too hungry to restrain. Then I remembered that we hadn’t had time to go grocery shopping yet due to the crazy schedule that week. The only part of the tray I liked was the pickles. I thought about finding a restaurant that was open on Thanksgiving, but remembered I had no transportation. I thought of calling his family to come get me, but their phone numbers were stored in my cell phone. So let’s recap. I was home alone. I had no food other than pickles and olives, and I didn’t like olives. I had no transportation to drive anywhere. I couldn’t reach my ex and didn’t have his family’s phone numbers. I wouldn’t know what to tell them anyway, because he didn’t want to share this stuff with them either.
I wasn’t really looking forward to spending an awkward day amongst his family. Yet, I would’ve given anything to do that over being alone. This was my third Thanksgiving in this cold state, far from my immediate family, and the previous 2 were no picnic either. I missed my family tremendously. I would’ve given anything to be back home that day. Instead, I cried while thinking of home. I called my mom, sisters, and friends to vent and cry on a virtual shoulder. My Thanksgiving dinner turned out to be a bologna sandwich and a few pickles. It didn’t fill me up, but I didn’t have much of an appetite.
My ex finally came home after dark. Apparently his daughter had got physical with him too, which resulted in his face getting scratched. She said many hurtful things to him and everybody else. She never turned over the car keys. They never found them. He finally got tired of lecturing her or whatever he was doing for so many hours. He made it clear to her that she ruined many people’s Thanksgiving Day that year. I found out later that his sister had called my cell phone several times. She was going to offer to come pick me up, but she thought I was with him at their house dealing with all the issues.
This type of episode was not that unusual, but happening on a holiday was the worst timing. In a society which prefers touching inspirational stories that make people smile, this story is made of stuff we don’t like to talk about or acknowledge. As sad as this story is, I’m sure somebody else can top it with a worse story. To everybody who feels their Thanksgiving was better, I sincerely hope you can realize all the wonderful things in your life to be gracious for. If you still can’t find something, write me so I can help you find it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Reaction to Stepmom Success: How to Deal with the Ex-Wife
This blog is written in reaction to referenced-article on Huffington Post dated Nov 11, 2010. Based on posted comments, I know I'm not the only person who feels this way.
They say that parenthood is a thankless job, but I say BioMoms and BioDads get thanks and recognition regularly. Step parenting is a truly thankless job. It takes time to build rapport with stepkids. Step parents are often criticized for being too much like a parent or not loving the children like their own – damned if they do, damned if they don’t. There is always a risk of being verbally attacked by either bio parent for overstepping bounds they didn’t know existed. I’d like to change these double standards. This article, although giving a few positive tips for being a good step-mom, does more to perpetuate her tireless thankless job. Additionally, it could fuel resentment toward BioMom as well as frustration over feeling powerless in dealing with her.
I want to be clear that I agree with most of the article. StepMoms have to accept the BioMom as having first dibs on whatever part of parenting they want. BioMom should be allowed to call or pick up the children anytime she likes, provided she makes proper arrangements, preferably in advance, with BioDad. (BioDad should consult his significant other on this.) Complimenting BioMom in the presence of the kids is a good idea. Doing it in front of BioMom depends on the situation and BioMom’s behavior. Bad behavior of BioMom should not be condoned or placated. Ignoring it is a good idea, but don’t reward it by complimenting her. It may encourage her to continue. StepMoms need to remember that BioMom may very well be insane – possibly in the literal sense. Nothing we say or do will change or control her. We should never do anything that mimics or disrespects her, regardless of what she says or does. I advocate all of that when coaching stepfamilies. None of it means StepMoms are powerless or don’t have a say.
StepMoms have power and control in their house, if they work as a team with BioDad. If BioDad has an effective co-parenting arrangement with BioMom, AND values input from his betrothed, StepMoms have real power. They have power in their rapport with the kids in spite of BM. Their power is in their ability to maintain composure and continue to unwaveringly support their steipkids in whatever way is necessary. This article claims StepMoms should keep their mouth shut. I say to only keep it shut in the presence of BioMom and the children. Venting to friends or family about her is beneficial in releasing frustration, but could potentially fuel the resentment. Learning how to set up and maintain boundaries is a better option. A professional Stepfamily Professional or professional-based support group could help.
I have personal experience with dealing with an ex-wife. I remember when I concluded the BioMom was insane. Truly, I thought, there was no other explanation for her behavior. The impetus was “Cody and the Hammer Incident”. Only people who were there know what I’m talking about. BioDad didn’t even know what to think. Prior to that incident, I had spent over a year trying very hard to like her. In the beginning, I liked her without a 2nd thought. Why wouldn’t I? My SO was a great guy. Surely he picked a good 1st woman. However, people and circumstances change consistently. This doesn’t mean she was no longer good; it means I shouldn’t have high expectations. Incident after incident made it difficult for me to like her. Gradually, my feelings changed to neutral. They wavered on dislike immediately before the above-mentioned incident. I didn’t like the thought of disliking somebody because it goes against the grain of who I am. This incident left me with no other conclusion than her insanity. With repeated incidents over the following year, I eventually came to strongly dislike her, and then hate her. No, it wasn’t right; but it was accurately how I felt.
In spite of how I felt about her, I always did my best to treat her as another human being with emotions and problems just like the rest of us. In spite of how she felt about me, on 2 occasions over the 2 ½ year period, she kissed me on the cheek. If I can get that result in spite of being clueless about step dynamics, I can only imagine the positive results I would’ve got if I knew how to handle other situations better.
My initial immediate reaction to the mentioned article was rage. My instinct told me the author is a BioMom who is resentful of her kids’ StepMom. I, for one, am tired of reading articles of how step parents have to step back, repress there emotions, and accept Bio parents without question. I want to read more articles addressed to BioMom on how to accept their divorce and their ex’s new wife. I want to read articles suggesting that BioMom learn how to respect the StepMom and not overstep her bounds on her ex-husband’s new relationship. I think many StepMom’s will agree with me. My secondary reaction to the article came from my professional practical side. It doesn’t alter what I just said, but acknowledges that most of the article was correct. The nature of stepfamilies is complicated. Step parents have rights, but they also need to tread lightly.
A better article, in my opinion, would be how StepMoms can deal with the ex-wife in spite of her insanity. I don’t really think BioMoms are insane, but they are insecure and don’t fully grasp how strong the biological bond is with their children. The nature of stepfamilies means BioMom cannot be around their children 24/7. The vast majority of StepMoms are not trying to take over as Mom. Women with a maternal instinct cannot repress or eliminate it. Nor should they. I advocate that BioMom’s accept StepMom’s as a substitute when they are not around, which happens frequently in stepfamilies, per inherent dynamics of step families. By substitute, I mean secondary. StepMoms deserve respect and support from both Bio parents because they are doing a tough job – tougher than bio parenting.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
They say that parenthood is a thankless job, but I say BioMoms and BioDads get thanks and recognition regularly. Step parenting is a truly thankless job. It takes time to build rapport with stepkids. Step parents are often criticized for being too much like a parent or not loving the children like their own – damned if they do, damned if they don’t. There is always a risk of being verbally attacked by either bio parent for overstepping bounds they didn’t know existed. I’d like to change these double standards. This article, although giving a few positive tips for being a good step-mom, does more to perpetuate her tireless thankless job. Additionally, it could fuel resentment toward BioMom as well as frustration over feeling powerless in dealing with her.
I want to be clear that I agree with most of the article. StepMoms have to accept the BioMom as having first dibs on whatever part of parenting they want. BioMom should be allowed to call or pick up the children anytime she likes, provided she makes proper arrangements, preferably in advance, with BioDad. (BioDad should consult his significant other on this.) Complimenting BioMom in the presence of the kids is a good idea. Doing it in front of BioMom depends on the situation and BioMom’s behavior. Bad behavior of BioMom should not be condoned or placated. Ignoring it is a good idea, but don’t reward it by complimenting her. It may encourage her to continue. StepMoms need to remember that BioMom may very well be insane – possibly in the literal sense. Nothing we say or do will change or control her. We should never do anything that mimics or disrespects her, regardless of what she says or does. I advocate all of that when coaching stepfamilies. None of it means StepMoms are powerless or don’t have a say.
StepMoms have power and control in their house, if they work as a team with BioDad. If BioDad has an effective co-parenting arrangement with BioMom, AND values input from his betrothed, StepMoms have real power. They have power in their rapport with the kids in spite of BM. Their power is in their ability to maintain composure and continue to unwaveringly support their steipkids in whatever way is necessary. This article claims StepMoms should keep their mouth shut. I say to only keep it shut in the presence of BioMom and the children. Venting to friends or family about her is beneficial in releasing frustration, but could potentially fuel the resentment. Learning how to set up and maintain boundaries is a better option. A professional Stepfamily Professional or professional-based support group could help.
I have personal experience with dealing with an ex-wife. I remember when I concluded the BioMom was insane. Truly, I thought, there was no other explanation for her behavior. The impetus was “Cody and the Hammer Incident”. Only people who were there know what I’m talking about. BioDad didn’t even know what to think. Prior to that incident, I had spent over a year trying very hard to like her. In the beginning, I liked her without a 2nd thought. Why wouldn’t I? My SO was a great guy. Surely he picked a good 1st woman. However, people and circumstances change consistently. This doesn’t mean she was no longer good; it means I shouldn’t have high expectations. Incident after incident made it difficult for me to like her. Gradually, my feelings changed to neutral. They wavered on dislike immediately before the above-mentioned incident. I didn’t like the thought of disliking somebody because it goes against the grain of who I am. This incident left me with no other conclusion than her insanity. With repeated incidents over the following year, I eventually came to strongly dislike her, and then hate her. No, it wasn’t right; but it was accurately how I felt.
In spite of how I felt about her, I always did my best to treat her as another human being with emotions and problems just like the rest of us. In spite of how she felt about me, on 2 occasions over the 2 ½ year period, she kissed me on the cheek. If I can get that result in spite of being clueless about step dynamics, I can only imagine the positive results I would’ve got if I knew how to handle other situations better.
My initial immediate reaction to the mentioned article was rage. My instinct told me the author is a BioMom who is resentful of her kids’ StepMom. I, for one, am tired of reading articles of how step parents have to step back, repress there emotions, and accept Bio parents without question. I want to read more articles addressed to BioMom on how to accept their divorce and their ex’s new wife. I want to read articles suggesting that BioMom learn how to respect the StepMom and not overstep her bounds on her ex-husband’s new relationship. I think many StepMom’s will agree with me. My secondary reaction to the article came from my professional practical side. It doesn’t alter what I just said, but acknowledges that most of the article was correct. The nature of stepfamilies is complicated. Step parents have rights, but they also need to tread lightly.
A better article, in my opinion, would be how StepMoms can deal with the ex-wife in spite of her insanity. I don’t really think BioMoms are insane, but they are insecure and don’t fully grasp how strong the biological bond is with their children. The nature of stepfamilies means BioMom cannot be around their children 24/7. The vast majority of StepMoms are not trying to take over as Mom. Women with a maternal instinct cannot repress or eliminate it. Nor should they. I advocate that BioMom’s accept StepMom’s as a substitute when they are not around, which happens frequently in stepfamilies, per inherent dynamics of step families. By substitute, I mean secondary. StepMoms deserve respect and support from both Bio parents because they are doing a tough job – tougher than bio parenting.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I rediscovered my why in a Jerry Maguire Moment
I didn’t write a new Mission Statement or a memo but it was a Jerry Maguire moment. In the wee hours of the morning, not able to fall back to sleep, I became my mom’s daughter again. My conscious and subconscious came together; in a touchy-feely minute, I reaffirmed my reasons for starting Sensible Steps, LLC.
To date, the best compliment I ever received is when a client told me I was helping him to become a better person through my coaching. That comment in itself inspires me to continue. But that doesn’t explain why I started my company. I want to save other couples from making the same mistakes I did. I would like couples who are truly in love to be able to resolve challenges that are pulling them apart. Little is understood about the uniqueness of stepfamilies. People fall back on what they know – first families. For the half of first families who fail, their skills in healthy relationships may be lacking (something). Or maybe they are in the relationship for the wrong reason, or the wrong time. Whatever the reason, the baggage that comes with break-ups makes the next relationship more challenging, whether the baggage is emotional, an ex-spouse, or children. It helps to talk to somebody who knows how to work through those issues, or at least understand what you went through. It would’ve helped me and my (now) ex-boyfriend.
After I moved south, we were going to make one last effort to make “us” work. I started educating myself on stepfamilies and became a Certified Stepfamily Coach through The Stepfamily Foundation. He was planning on relocating to be with me. Naturally, I had hoped he’d bring his son with him. That’s another story.
We still had many issues to work through, aside from stepfamily issues. I made it clear that they had to come first. Part of my task was separating our problems into 2 categories: step-related problems and other. The “other” things were pretty major. He had not legally divorced his wife for starters. “I’m psychologically divorced,” he would tell me, “so why should the courts tell me I am? How dare they tell me how to raise my son in those mandatory classes?” This argument sounded absurd to everybody except him. From a clinical perspective, it is a cover-up – a cop-out. That piece of paper represented the very things he couldn’t handle – failure as a husband, father, Catholic – as a person. He criticized me, my sisters, and others who got “divorced”. He perpetuated its stigma. His co-dependency was another HUGE issue. I wasn’t able to pinpoint that until after I left. (I guess the forest was too thick to see through the trees.) I was not the right person to help him understand and overcome that. Even if I was, he was not ready. The final HUGE issue was discipline. His son needed to be held accountable for obeying rules. I got to the point of not caring what the rules were, as long as my ex could enforce them. (Truly, I told him the rules could be as absurd as a 2 AM bed-time on a school night, as long as he could enforce it.) His deep-seated fear, guilt, and resentment affected him in major ways. In order to have a healthy relationship, he would need to like himself again. Finally, there was his marijuana use. I wasn’t sure what I’d do about that. But, if we could get past everything else, I rationalized a new environment and new friends may be a positive influence. Needless to say, all of that was too tall an order and he was not willing to seek professional guidance. We ended the trial about 1 year after I left OH.
Among other things, I was concerned for his youngest son. Even though we never became a cohesive family, we had grown accustomed to each other. I knew his son relied on me to fix him something to eat when he came home from school and ensure he had clean clothes to wear to school. Plus, he didn’t like being alone. He knew he could rely on me. I knew the effects of serial relationships on children. Another separation would increase his chances of getting divorced when he matures. It would probably mean more unhealthy relationships, possibly even with friends. On the other hand, his father and I didn’t have a healthy relationship anyway. I had hoped we’d be able to figure it out though. At the least, he should know that his father and I truly loved each other and earnestly tried to make it work. Each of us did the best we could, but it wasn’t good enough.
Thinking about all of this made me realize (again) the importance of being in a respectful supportive environment that helps you to thrive… encourage you to improve… take chances because somebody will be there to help you up if you fall… listen to you… make you feel needed and wanted. In romantic or familial relationships, Love is also important, but not necessary or practical in step family relationships.
This - a healthy home environment – is what I desire for all families. Statistically, there are more stepfamilies than first families. Roughly 25% (depending on varying sources) stay together. Of those, it is said to take an average of 7-10 years before the step members feel comfortable as a stepfamily – to feel somewhat cohesive. These are scary statistics when you think about it. Factor in the prevalence of other common social problems (learning disabilities, behavioral disorders, addiction, depression, adultery, unemployment), and it stands to reason there would be an overlap. To wit, there is a high percentage of stepfamilies dealing with common social problems and trying to stay together – and stay sane. The odds of making it are not in their favor. At the least, I am striving to improve the odds. At most, I am instilling peace and fostering healthy home environments, one stepfamily at a time.
Being in an unhealthy relationship can kill you – on the inside – your spirit – that which makes you “you”. It could be a slow death. A few possible effects are depression, numbness, addiction, bitterness, anger, feeling of being a victim, resentment. A person who dies on the inside is incapable of loving others. That person has lost sight of the joys of life – of what is good and meaningful. Think of how that would affect this person’s parenting or work performance. Children or co-workers would be exposed to this person’s drab demeanor. Instead of spreading contagious smiles or laughter, they would bring people down. We all know somebody we try to avoid because they are not happy… and those we can’t help but to like because they make us laugh, act silly, or are just plain nice.
Simply put, I have an opportunity to make the world brighter. Smiling and listening to people is only one way. God gave me a gift. Not only do I truly like people, especially kids, but I enjoy getting to know them. God also gave me the gift of my experiences, even the painful ones, to learn from. That is why I passionately want to be a Stepfamily Coach.
Not all stepfamilies are the same. Each one is special in its own way. Therefore, one approach will not work with them all. Luckily, there are many Stepfamily Professionals to choose from. Thank goodness most stepfamilies don’t experience the level of dysfunction of mine! A few are worse, but most are milder. My history gives me a broader spectrum of family situations I can address. I know how it feels to constantly be an outsider instead of an insider to your new family. I know what it is like to feel totally alone… to not have anybody who understands what you’re going through… to not have anybody to confide in… to still want to make the most of your situation… still want to do the right thing, but be torn… afraid to get too close to the kids to save them agony if it doesn’t work out… feel frustrated because everything is out of your control… to genuinely care for people who don’t understand you and are not willing to try. I want to give people in this situation a way out – freedom – a way to regain control (real and perceived) – empowerment. Doing that for even one person or family is personally rewarding.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
To date, the best compliment I ever received is when a client told me I was helping him to become a better person through my coaching. That comment in itself inspires me to continue. But that doesn’t explain why I started my company. I want to save other couples from making the same mistakes I did. I would like couples who are truly in love to be able to resolve challenges that are pulling them apart. Little is understood about the uniqueness of stepfamilies. People fall back on what they know – first families. For the half of first families who fail, their skills in healthy relationships may be lacking (something). Or maybe they are in the relationship for the wrong reason, or the wrong time. Whatever the reason, the baggage that comes with break-ups makes the next relationship more challenging, whether the baggage is emotional, an ex-spouse, or children. It helps to talk to somebody who knows how to work through those issues, or at least understand what you went through. It would’ve helped me and my (now) ex-boyfriend.
After I moved south, we were going to make one last effort to make “us” work. I started educating myself on stepfamilies and became a Certified Stepfamily Coach through The Stepfamily Foundation. He was planning on relocating to be with me. Naturally, I had hoped he’d bring his son with him. That’s another story.
We still had many issues to work through, aside from stepfamily issues. I made it clear that they had to come first. Part of my task was separating our problems into 2 categories: step-related problems and other. The “other” things were pretty major. He had not legally divorced his wife for starters. “I’m psychologically divorced,” he would tell me, “so why should the courts tell me I am? How dare they tell me how to raise my son in those mandatory classes?” This argument sounded absurd to everybody except him. From a clinical perspective, it is a cover-up – a cop-out. That piece of paper represented the very things he couldn’t handle – failure as a husband, father, Catholic – as a person. He criticized me, my sisters, and others who got “divorced”. He perpetuated its stigma. His co-dependency was another HUGE issue. I wasn’t able to pinpoint that until after I left. (I guess the forest was too thick to see through the trees.) I was not the right person to help him understand and overcome that. Even if I was, he was not ready. The final HUGE issue was discipline. His son needed to be held accountable for obeying rules. I got to the point of not caring what the rules were, as long as my ex could enforce them. (Truly, I told him the rules could be as absurd as a 2 AM bed-time on a school night, as long as he could enforce it.) His deep-seated fear, guilt, and resentment affected him in major ways. In order to have a healthy relationship, he would need to like himself again. Finally, there was his marijuana use. I wasn’t sure what I’d do about that. But, if we could get past everything else, I rationalized a new environment and new friends may be a positive influence. Needless to say, all of that was too tall an order and he was not willing to seek professional guidance. We ended the trial about 1 year after I left OH.
Among other things, I was concerned for his youngest son. Even though we never became a cohesive family, we had grown accustomed to each other. I knew his son relied on me to fix him something to eat when he came home from school and ensure he had clean clothes to wear to school. Plus, he didn’t like being alone. He knew he could rely on me. I knew the effects of serial relationships on children. Another separation would increase his chances of getting divorced when he matures. It would probably mean more unhealthy relationships, possibly even with friends. On the other hand, his father and I didn’t have a healthy relationship anyway. I had hoped we’d be able to figure it out though. At the least, he should know that his father and I truly loved each other and earnestly tried to make it work. Each of us did the best we could, but it wasn’t good enough.
Thinking about all of this made me realize (again) the importance of being in a respectful supportive environment that helps you to thrive… encourage you to improve… take chances because somebody will be there to help you up if you fall… listen to you… make you feel needed and wanted. In romantic or familial relationships, Love is also important, but not necessary or practical in step family relationships.
This - a healthy home environment – is what I desire for all families. Statistically, there are more stepfamilies than first families. Roughly 25% (depending on varying sources) stay together. Of those, it is said to take an average of 7-10 years before the step members feel comfortable as a stepfamily – to feel somewhat cohesive. These are scary statistics when you think about it. Factor in the prevalence of other common social problems (learning disabilities, behavioral disorders, addiction, depression, adultery, unemployment), and it stands to reason there would be an overlap. To wit, there is a high percentage of stepfamilies dealing with common social problems and trying to stay together – and stay sane. The odds of making it are not in their favor. At the least, I am striving to improve the odds. At most, I am instilling peace and fostering healthy home environments, one stepfamily at a time.
Being in an unhealthy relationship can kill you – on the inside – your spirit – that which makes you “you”. It could be a slow death. A few possible effects are depression, numbness, addiction, bitterness, anger, feeling of being a victim, resentment. A person who dies on the inside is incapable of loving others. That person has lost sight of the joys of life – of what is good and meaningful. Think of how that would affect this person’s parenting or work performance. Children or co-workers would be exposed to this person’s drab demeanor. Instead of spreading contagious smiles or laughter, they would bring people down. We all know somebody we try to avoid because they are not happy… and those we can’t help but to like because they make us laugh, act silly, or are just plain nice.
Simply put, I have an opportunity to make the world brighter. Smiling and listening to people is only one way. God gave me a gift. Not only do I truly like people, especially kids, but I enjoy getting to know them. God also gave me the gift of my experiences, even the painful ones, to learn from. That is why I passionately want to be a Stepfamily Coach.
Not all stepfamilies are the same. Each one is special in its own way. Therefore, one approach will not work with them all. Luckily, there are many Stepfamily Professionals to choose from. Thank goodness most stepfamilies don’t experience the level of dysfunction of mine! A few are worse, but most are milder. My history gives me a broader spectrum of family situations I can address. I know how it feels to constantly be an outsider instead of an insider to your new family. I know what it is like to feel totally alone… to not have anybody who understands what you’re going through… to not have anybody to confide in… to still want to make the most of your situation… still want to do the right thing, but be torn… afraid to get too close to the kids to save them agony if it doesn’t work out… feel frustrated because everything is out of your control… to genuinely care for people who don’t understand you and are not willing to try. I want to give people in this situation a way out – freedom – a way to regain control (real and perceived) – empowerment. Doing that for even one person or family is personally rewarding.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Love is Not Always Enough - My Stepfamily Experience
People often want to know about my experiences in a stepfamily. I have experiences as both a child and an adult in a stepfamily, but this post is only about my adult stepfamily experience.
I noticed many red flags before we moved in together, but I firmly believed everything changes. One can never know in what way something will change, for good or worse. Plus, I believed we can make our relationship work if we really loved each other and were both willing to work on it. I still believe in these things, but I now understand important underlying principles - what kinds of changes occur in stepfamilies and the depths of what it means to work on any relationship, specifically a stepfamily.
Simply put, I became involved in a dysfunctional family. They were dysfunctional before I fell in love, but I did not realize it until we were living together. In truth, I didn't *get* the full picture until after we broke up.
Here are a few of the bigger issues we faced: 1) My ex did not legally divorce the mother of his children. 2) She was unemployed for a long time, thus leaning on us financially. She found a job making more money than the combined income of my ex and me; yet, she still struggled to keep the utilities on and the mortgage up to date. We helped her many times. 3) She was Clinically Depressed (although not formally diagnosed) and suicidal. 4) She frequented bars or went out regularly, thus relinquishing motherly duties to my ex and myself a lot. 5) Both my ex and the mother of his children, as well as several friends in their circle, got high from marijuana a lot. Several of them did that daily. My ex got high 3-5 times/week on average. 6) My step children were rarely disciplined at all. This was due to guilt and each parent sharing the role of the Holiday Parent. Informal custody was switched from his mother to us after only a few months of our cohabitation. Naturally, they resented any discipline from me. 7) My ex was Co-Dependent! Finally, but not least 8) My ex changed his mind about having more children. Later, I lost respect for his inability to "parent" (AKA discipline); I no longer wanted to have children with him, even after he changed his mind again. He changed his mind a few more times, but I think it was to persuade me to stay.
Many indirect obstacles resulted from each of the above macro problems. Numerous arguments and unhealthy interaction abounded. Through all of these ordeals, there was no doubt of my love for him. I was whole-heartedly in love with him and would have done anything for him. Inside, he was still the same sweet, funny, intelligent man I fell in love with. He was the type of person who would help anybody, like the time we stopped so he could help a stranger change a tire. His friends were supremely loyal because each could site a list of ways he helped them. He loved kids and they loved spending time with him. He loved with a heart of a child and knew how to have a good time sober. He appreciated all animals. He saved a crippled bird from the neighborhood cat and we nursed it to health 'til it could fly. Yet, he didn't truly like himself. He didn't think he was worth loving. Nothing I could do could make him happy. That hurt me immensely, to the depth of my being. After 7, I lost count how many times we broke up and got back together.
Eventually, my internal desire to be whole - sane - triumphed over my genuine love for him. After living together for 2 1/2 years, and being in a relationship with him for 3 1/2 years, I knew it was time for me to leave. My sanity was at stake. My relationship with my family was strained because they couldn't understand why I chose to stay for so long. After I moved to another state, we were going to give it another try. We felt more resolute than ever to work harder at fixing the problems and were excited about him moving down to Florida, my new state of residence. After 1 year, I realized nothing changed - only the geography. The same problems existed. The ultimate termination of that relationship was when he realized on his own terms that he could not leave his children and wouldn't be able to bring the youngest with him. The eldest 2 were in college.
I conscientiously decided to stay as long as I did. Therefore, I have no regrets for not leaving sooner. However, I wouldn't recommend anybody staying in an unhealthy situation such as this. Once it is determined to be unhealthy, you've tried as best you can to intervene or bring awareness of the unhealthy situation, and you realize there is nothing more you can do to influence positive change, then it is in the best interest of your spiritual well-being to leave.
Coming Soon: a post on the 5 phases of Change. Change is possible regardless of age, gender, religion, and social standing.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Repairing and building relationships in step families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
I noticed many red flags before we moved in together, but I firmly believed everything changes. One can never know in what way something will change, for good or worse. Plus, I believed we can make our relationship work if we really loved each other and were both willing to work on it. I still believe in these things, but I now understand important underlying principles - what kinds of changes occur in stepfamilies and the depths of what it means to work on any relationship, specifically a stepfamily.
Simply put, I became involved in a dysfunctional family. They were dysfunctional before I fell in love, but I did not realize it until we were living together. In truth, I didn't *get* the full picture until after we broke up.
Here are a few of the bigger issues we faced: 1) My ex did not legally divorce the mother of his children. 2) She was unemployed for a long time, thus leaning on us financially. She found a job making more money than the combined income of my ex and me; yet, she still struggled to keep the utilities on and the mortgage up to date. We helped her many times. 3) She was Clinically Depressed (although not formally diagnosed) and suicidal. 4) She frequented bars or went out regularly, thus relinquishing motherly duties to my ex and myself a lot. 5) Both my ex and the mother of his children, as well as several friends in their circle, got high from marijuana a lot. Several of them did that daily. My ex got high 3-5 times/week on average. 6) My step children were rarely disciplined at all. This was due to guilt and each parent sharing the role of the Holiday Parent. Informal custody was switched from his mother to us after only a few months of our cohabitation. Naturally, they resented any discipline from me. 7) My ex was Co-Dependent! Finally, but not least 8) My ex changed his mind about having more children. Later, I lost respect for his inability to "parent" (AKA discipline); I no longer wanted to have children with him, even after he changed his mind again. He changed his mind a few more times, but I think it was to persuade me to stay.
Many indirect obstacles resulted from each of the above macro problems. Numerous arguments and unhealthy interaction abounded. Through all of these ordeals, there was no doubt of my love for him. I was whole-heartedly in love with him and would have done anything for him. Inside, he was still the same sweet, funny, intelligent man I fell in love with. He was the type of person who would help anybody, like the time we stopped so he could help a stranger change a tire. His friends were supremely loyal because each could site a list of ways he helped them. He loved kids and they loved spending time with him. He loved with a heart of a child and knew how to have a good time sober. He appreciated all animals. He saved a crippled bird from the neighborhood cat and we nursed it to health 'til it could fly. Yet, he didn't truly like himself. He didn't think he was worth loving. Nothing I could do could make him happy. That hurt me immensely, to the depth of my being. After 7, I lost count how many times we broke up and got back together.
Eventually, my internal desire to be whole - sane - triumphed over my genuine love for him. After living together for 2 1/2 years, and being in a relationship with him for 3 1/2 years, I knew it was time for me to leave. My sanity was at stake. My relationship with my family was strained because they couldn't understand why I chose to stay for so long. After I moved to another state, we were going to give it another try. We felt more resolute than ever to work harder at fixing the problems and were excited about him moving down to Florida, my new state of residence. After 1 year, I realized nothing changed - only the geography. The same problems existed. The ultimate termination of that relationship was when he realized on his own terms that he could not leave his children and wouldn't be able to bring the youngest with him. The eldest 2 were in college.
I conscientiously decided to stay as long as I did. Therefore, I have no regrets for not leaving sooner. However, I wouldn't recommend anybody staying in an unhealthy situation such as this. Once it is determined to be unhealthy, you've tried as best you can to intervene or bring awareness of the unhealthy situation, and you realize there is nothing more you can do to influence positive change, then it is in the best interest of your spiritual well-being to leave.
Coming Soon: a post on the 5 phases of Change. Change is possible regardless of age, gender, religion, and social standing.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Repairing and building relationships in step families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Forgiveness is repetitive not solitary
Forgiveness is a must for anybody to have a healthy spirit. It is not a one-time action. It is repetitive. It should be sincere and come from the heart. It is a must in a healthy stepfamily.
Each member of a stepfamily needs to forgive. Parents would benefit by forgiving their ex-spouses, their childrens' other parent. This will make a huge impact on the emotional health of your children. If you feel negative emotions toward your ex, it could affect your ability to effectively co-parent. Even if you try guarding against it, it is likely that your true feelings will be reflected in your words or mannerisms when speaking about your children's other parent. Because children identify themselves as a part of both their parents, they are likely to internalize both positive and negative commentary. If you profess warm forgiving thoughts, your children will also learn how to be warm and forgiving.
Likewise, each of us need to forgive the other stepfamily members. Most people have good intentions; or at the least, they have neutral intentions. In other words, most people do not say or do things with the goal of annoying or manipulating another person. They just don't know the best way to say what's on their mind or handle various situations. People can't read minds and are generally unaware of other's emotional aura. Everybody is human and doing the best they can to handle daily stress. Forgiveness should be given to spouses, step/siblings, step/parents, and step/children.
I wish I could say it would be enough to just do this today - now. However, we are all human. Humans are fallible by nature. Hence, as much as we try to do the right thing, we will screw up again. Hence, we each need to be ready to forgive again, and again, and again.
Sincerity is a necessary element of forgiveness. Apologies without sincerity lacks the intention of avoiding the same mistake in the future. Recipients of apologies that are perceived to be insincere may feel gullible. If this is the case, it is imperative to keep in mind that forgiveness has the most profound effect on yourself - the forgiver. Fostering good interpersonal relationships is secondary. This topic will be discussed further in a different post.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Each member of a stepfamily needs to forgive. Parents would benefit by forgiving their ex-spouses, their childrens' other parent. This will make a huge impact on the emotional health of your children. If you feel negative emotions toward your ex, it could affect your ability to effectively co-parent. Even if you try guarding against it, it is likely that your true feelings will be reflected in your words or mannerisms when speaking about your children's other parent. Because children identify themselves as a part of both their parents, they are likely to internalize both positive and negative commentary. If you profess warm forgiving thoughts, your children will also learn how to be warm and forgiving.
Likewise, each of us need to forgive the other stepfamily members. Most people have good intentions; or at the least, they have neutral intentions. In other words, most people do not say or do things with the goal of annoying or manipulating another person. They just don't know the best way to say what's on their mind or handle various situations. People can't read minds and are generally unaware of other's emotional aura. Everybody is human and doing the best they can to handle daily stress. Forgiveness should be given to spouses, step/siblings, step/parents, and step/children.
I wish I could say it would be enough to just do this today - now. However, we are all human. Humans are fallible by nature. Hence, as much as we try to do the right thing, we will screw up again. Hence, we each need to be ready to forgive again, and again, and again.
Sincerity is a necessary element of forgiveness. Apologies without sincerity lacks the intention of avoiding the same mistake in the future. Recipients of apologies that are perceived to be insincere may feel gullible. If this is the case, it is imperative to keep in mind that forgiveness has the most profound effect on yourself - the forgiver. Fostering good interpersonal relationships is secondary. This topic will be discussed further in a different post.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Friday, April 3, 2009
Perception of Evil Stepmothers Transformed into Positive Role-Model
From fairy tales and children’s stories throughout history, we have learned that stepmothers are evil. We learned that their only intention is to do harm to the lovely stepchild. Moreover, the stepmom is ugly, often has warts on her face, but treats her own biological children, if she has any, with the utmost respect and concern. A perfect example of this is in the tale of Cinderella.
In most modern stepfamilies (AKA blended families), this is far from an accurate depiction. In reality, stepmothers have only good intentions. In fact, many of them are so concerned about this bad stereotype, or having the title of “stepmother”, that they go beyond the typical motherly duties. In fact, they try too hard and it backfires. It often seems to the step parent that she cannot win. No matter how hard she tries, her words, good deeds, and help are not even recognized, yet alone appreciated. Unfortunately, she is right – initially. When a stepfamily (blended family) is first formed, the children typically have unresolved feelings lingering from their parents’ divorce. These may include hurt feelings, guilt, anger, sadness, confusion, apathy, or rejection to name a few. These inner feelings affect the way they view the outside world, but especially an interloper like the stepmom.
Many children also have a false belief that their parents may one day reunite. This dream is destroyed when one parent marries, which can contribute to behavior or discipline issues. Having a stepmom is then a constant reminder of the dissolution of this dream. The stepchildren may view her as the reason their parents are not together. Worse yet, they may view her as the reason their parents broke up in the first place. Hence, she is also a home-wrecker. For that, she is considered evil. And that is before she said or did anything. Then, the stepchildren interpret everything she says or does negatively.
The good news for stepmothers is that this can change. It will take time, a lot of energy, and tenacity. A good sense of humor is also helpful. Yet, by consistently and persistently treating both biological and step children in a fair and just manner, you will earn the respect of your step children. Moreover, a relationship with them will grow. In fact, many stepmothers form a bond with their stepchildren that lasts a lifetime.
How do stepmothers transform from the Evil Stepmother into a close confidante? First of all, go into the experience with realistic expectations. More to the point, don’t have high expectations of being the “best Stepmom ever”. Your stepkids need a lot of time getting used to the new blended family without mom being around. They need time to adjust to their new surroundings if they have a new house, neighborhood, school, etc. They may not be happy about these changes. Be patient and don’t take their attitude personally. It has nothing to do with you, even if you are the target of their yelling, arguing, or disobeying orders. Initially, back off and let their father discipline them.
Secondly, take the time to talk to your spouse about the rules of the household. More importantly, discuss methods of discipline. What methods does he prefer? What would be too harsh? Let him discipline while he is at home. Watch what he does and follow suit when he is not at home. When he gets back home, talk to him about any issues that arose in his absence. Explain how you handled the issues and your reasons for your actions. This may sound (feel) like you’re a child getting permission or approval from a superior; but, don’t think of it like that. These are his kids, and he’s very protective over them. If he thinks you were wrong, you’ll hear about it. It’s better to initiate the conversation, which indicates you want to work through the issues. Otherwise, he may spring into defense mode if he gets the story from his child, who probably has a different viewpoint of the story which is not in your favor. Your goal is to learn how he normally handles situations in an effort to learn how to duplicate his methods. This will reduce resentment toward you from the kids. In short, you are adjusting to parenting new children. Even if you have your own children, remember that he has different parenting skills and methods than you. Keep an open-mind during the discussion, be flexible, and be willing to change some methods in order to create a healthy team environment.
Thirdly, understand and respect their individual differences and their previous family. This includes the kids’ biological mom. You may believe that she has done many wrong things, but she is still their mother and a part of them. Trashing her is like trashing your stepkids. This would only reinforce their notion of you as evil. Also, you have not heard her side of the story, which may change your perspective. One explanation may be that sometimes good people do the wrong thing, which doesn’t make them bad. Your step children will understand this because they have also done the wrong thing and they are not bad. Additionally, respect their family traditions and activities, individual opinions, and their individual ways of doing things. Remember that different is not better or worse; it is just different.
Finally, look for bonding moments and take advantage of them. Bonding moments happen when you share something unique and special with your stepchild. Typically, it is something that your stepchild has not done with his/her biological mother. It can be a hobby or sport that you both enjoy, participating in a game or activity (preferably one not previously played), helping him/her, or teaching him/her something new. For example, I taught my stepdaughter to drive a car. Also, since her hobby was taking pictures, we scanned her prints into my computer, saved them, and emailed them to friends and family. These moments can never be taken back. Even if the details of the event become unclear with time, the essence and feeling of the experience remains.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892
Friday, March 27, 2009
Tele-class on improving relations as a stepparent was a success
Thank you to all who attended Thursday night's tele-class. Susan Epstein of Parenting Powers asked some great questions and contributed a stepfamily story of her own.
Below are a few of the things I talked about:
1) How fairy tales, books, and movies inaccuracy depict step families (AKA blended families).
They either portray the stepfamily as one in which they overcome many problems and then live "happily ever after"; Or the step parent, and sometimes step siblings, are "evil". In this scenario, the stepfamily member usually ends up leaving the family by the end of the story, or she/he gets offed. And that is considered a GOOD thing!
These portrayals of stepfamilies are profoundly offbase to say the least. Unfortunately, they contribute to the confusion and misconceptions that pervade our society. In fact, many children fear getting a stepmom because they hold on to this fallacious notion that she will be mean. Furthermore, many women who become stepmothers are ALSO intensely concerned about having the title of "stepmother". They detest the title so much that they go above and beyond the usual motherly acts with the hope and expectation of overcoming this wicked stereotype.
In reality, the vast majority of step parents have only good intentions. They make sincere efforts to do the right thing. However, their words and deeds do not elicit the result they expect, even though the exact same words and deeds would only have a positive result in a first-time biological family. The main reason for this difference is that first-time families are borne out of happiness and bliss, whereas step families are borne out of the many unfavorable emotions related to divorce.
I mentioned a few emotions that children often feel after the divorce, and how these emotions are manifested through ill-manners and misbehaviors. I also mentioned a few things step parents can do about these situations to possibly minimize the effect.
2) The terms "stepfamily" and "blended family" are synonymous, but I prefer the former term.
A copy of my published article, "Blended Family? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts" was on-hand for all attendees.
3) Stepparents should NOT take anything personal. Nothing the kids say is about you.
Each person in the family is mourning the loss of the original family. Parents stop mourning this loss a lot sooner than children. They fall in love with another person and get married. Instead of having a honeymoon phase like in their first marriage, they have an instant family to manage. Children have usually not fallen in love with the step parent when the family unites into 1 house as a step (blended) family. This adversely affects their opinion of the stepparent, as well as everything the stepparent does. Even if the child says he/she hates you or disobeys you, remember that it is NOT ABOUT YOU. The child is really expressing how he feels about his/her new environment and family. Still, this is about the loss of the original family. It has nothing to do with the addition of a new person into the family as much as it is to do with NOT having the other parent around.
4) Respect the past family history and differences of personalities or habits.
It is human nature to reject what we don't understand, which is usually anything different than ourselves. Other people and families do things very different than what we do. When one family marries another, 2 diverse groups of habits and personalities are coming together. Some of the things each one does may conflict or interfere with the ways of the other family. This is one source of contention and arguments between siblings. In first-time biological families, the family members have already developed ways of resolving the conflict, as they've had many years together to learn how to deal with the other family members. They reach the point of accepting these differences as natural. However, dissimilar attitudes and behaviors of stepfamily members are considered weird or deviant. I discuss this a little more in detail in my published article, "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"
Think of creative ways to resolve conflicting family habits. Both Susan and myself shared a short story from our own experiences.
5) Creating memories and taking advantage of bonding moments are extremely important.
Stepfamilies lack previous history and memories as a "family". This means that step parents have to patiently listen to their step children talk about their "family" memories with both biological parents, which does not include the step parent. It takes time for the step parent to create new memories with him/her included as part of the new family. Therefore, vacations to new places and having a weekly or bi-monthly family night is recommended. I also recommend you take pictures in order to capture the fond moments and reminisce about them later. Place the pictures on the wall or mantle, which will help to establish a healthy family environment of good memories.
Eating meals as a family is a superb way of becoming a more cohesive stepfamily. It is a time to get to know the new family members, build rapport, and bond as a family. I highly recommend eating together as a family - both biological and stepfamily members. If this cannot be done daily, a good-faith effort should be made to do it as often as possible, even if only once or twice per week. Connie Fitzmartin has some great suggestions for making mealtime fun in her book, Magical Meals Manual. It is worth the time to check out. You'll be glad you did.
Below are a few of the things I talked about:
1) How fairy tales, books, and movies inaccuracy depict step families (AKA blended families).
They either portray the stepfamily as one in which they overcome many problems and then live "happily ever after"; Or the step parent, and sometimes step siblings, are "evil". In this scenario, the stepfamily member usually ends up leaving the family by the end of the story, or she/he gets offed. And that is considered a GOOD thing!
These portrayals of stepfamilies are profoundly offbase to say the least. Unfortunately, they contribute to the confusion and misconceptions that pervade our society. In fact, many children fear getting a stepmom because they hold on to this fallacious notion that she will be mean. Furthermore, many women who become stepmothers are ALSO intensely concerned about having the title of "stepmother". They detest the title so much that they go above and beyond the usual motherly acts with the hope and expectation of overcoming this wicked stereotype.
In reality, the vast majority of step parents have only good intentions. They make sincere efforts to do the right thing. However, their words and deeds do not elicit the result they expect, even though the exact same words and deeds would only have a positive result in a first-time biological family. The main reason for this difference is that first-time families are borne out of happiness and bliss, whereas step families are borne out of the many unfavorable emotions related to divorce.
I mentioned a few emotions that children often feel after the divorce, and how these emotions are manifested through ill-manners and misbehaviors. I also mentioned a few things step parents can do about these situations to possibly minimize the effect.
2) The terms "stepfamily" and "blended family" are synonymous, but I prefer the former term.
A copy of my published article, "Blended Family? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts" was on-hand for all attendees.
3) Stepparents should NOT take anything personal. Nothing the kids say is about you.
Each person in the family is mourning the loss of the original family. Parents stop mourning this loss a lot sooner than children. They fall in love with another person and get married. Instead of having a honeymoon phase like in their first marriage, they have an instant family to manage. Children have usually not fallen in love with the step parent when the family unites into 1 house as a step (blended) family. This adversely affects their opinion of the stepparent, as well as everything the stepparent does. Even if the child says he/she hates you or disobeys you, remember that it is NOT ABOUT YOU. The child is really expressing how he feels about his/her new environment and family. Still, this is about the loss of the original family. It has nothing to do with the addition of a new person into the family as much as it is to do with NOT having the other parent around.
4) Respect the past family history and differences of personalities or habits.
It is human nature to reject what we don't understand, which is usually anything different than ourselves. Other people and families do things very different than what we do. When one family marries another, 2 diverse groups of habits and personalities are coming together. Some of the things each one does may conflict or interfere with the ways of the other family. This is one source of contention and arguments between siblings. In first-time biological families, the family members have already developed ways of resolving the conflict, as they've had many years together to learn how to deal with the other family members. They reach the point of accepting these differences as natural. However, dissimilar attitudes and behaviors of stepfamily members are considered weird or deviant. I discuss this a little more in detail in my published article, "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"
Think of creative ways to resolve conflicting family habits. Both Susan and myself shared a short story from our own experiences.
5) Creating memories and taking advantage of bonding moments are extremely important.
Stepfamilies lack previous history and memories as a "family". This means that step parents have to patiently listen to their step children talk about their "family" memories with both biological parents, which does not include the step parent. It takes time for the step parent to create new memories with him/her included as part of the new family. Therefore, vacations to new places and having a weekly or bi-monthly family night is recommended. I also recommend you take pictures in order to capture the fond moments and reminisce about them later. Place the pictures on the wall or mantle, which will help to establish a healthy family environment of good memories.
Eating meals as a family is a superb way of becoming a more cohesive stepfamily. It is a time to get to know the new family members, build rapport, and bond as a family. I highly recommend eating together as a family - both biological and stepfamily members. If this cannot be done daily, a good-faith effort should be made to do it as often as possible, even if only once or twice per week. Connie Fitzmartin has some great suggestions for making mealtime fun in her book, Magical Meals Manual. It is worth the time to check out. You'll be glad you did.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step and adopted families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Forms of Stepfamilies
Thirteen hundred new families are forming every day. The majority of these are one of the forms of a step family. Interestingly, most of these families aren't aware of it. In fact, many people are surprised to learn that they are in a stepfamily.
They tell me they aren't in a stepfamily because neither of their parents remarried after the divorce. The fact is that more people cohabitate (live together without getting married) after a divorce than remarry. This is also known as recoupling. Even though a couple is not legally married, the non-biological parent is still acting as a step parent in the household. Therefore, the dynamics of step families apply in their situation.
Or people will tell me they are single; thus, they aren't in a step family. When asked if they have a child, and if the other biological parent of the child remarried, the answer is yes. True, they themselves are not step parents. Yet, they are in a step family because their child has a step parent. Because they are still a part of their child's life, and can influence him/her, they are a part of the step family.
The next scenario is my favorite because it elicits the most surprised and interesting response. Single parents who are dating also fit into a form of a step family. Once either parent starts dating, the dynamics of becoming a step family also start. How the parents explain the divorce or separation, how well they get along after the divorce / separation, how the parents introduce the new potential partner to the kids, and many other factors, all affect how well the family transitions into a step family after the parent moves in with another adult, with the children. This form of a step family is the least obvious form because there are not many arguments or problems during this phase. Ironically, it is the most important time to learn about what it means to be a step family, because what the parents do and how they do it could make a huge impact in the future of the relationship / family. When the parent finally decides to move in with his/her significant other and/or marry her/him, it is even more critical to learn what to expect after the move-in will take place. It could make the biggest difference between extensive turmoil among family members vs the average amount of stress that usually comes with change or moving to a new place.
Regardless of what form of step family you are in, there is potential for harmony or disharmony. There are numerous factors that can affect the stress in your family (or potential stress). If you are in a step family, I strongly suggest that you contact a Step Family Coach in order to get informed.
There are 5 different forms of a stepfamily are as follows:
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.They tell me they aren't in a stepfamily because neither of their parents remarried after the divorce. The fact is that more people cohabitate (live together without getting married) after a divorce than remarry. This is also known as recoupling. Even though a couple is not legally married, the non-biological parent is still acting as a step parent in the household. Therefore, the dynamics of step families apply in their situation.
Or people will tell me they are single; thus, they aren't in a step family. When asked if they have a child, and if the other biological parent of the child remarried, the answer is yes. True, they themselves are not step parents. Yet, they are in a step family because their child has a step parent. Because they are still a part of their child's life, and can influence him/her, they are a part of the step family.
The next scenario is my favorite because it elicits the most surprised and interesting response. Single parents who are dating also fit into a form of a step family. Once either parent starts dating, the dynamics of becoming a step family also start. How the parents explain the divorce or separation, how well they get along after the divorce / separation, how the parents introduce the new potential partner to the kids, and many other factors, all affect how well the family transitions into a step family after the parent moves in with another adult, with the children. This form of a step family is the least obvious form because there are not many arguments or problems during this phase. Ironically, it is the most important time to learn about what it means to be a step family, because what the parents do and how they do it could make a huge impact in the future of the relationship / family. When the parent finally decides to move in with his/her significant other and/or marry her/him, it is even more critical to learn what to expect after the move-in will take place. It could make the biggest difference between extensive turmoil among family members vs the average amount of stress that usually comes with change or moving to a new place.
Regardless of what form of step family you are in, there is potential for harmony or disharmony. There are numerous factors that can affect the stress in your family (or potential stress). If you are in a step family, I strongly suggest that you contact a Step Family Coach in order to get informed.
There are 5 different forms of a stepfamily are as follows:
- Divorced with children. The child(ren) reside(s) with 1 parent and visits the other, or the child(ren) alternate residences of the 2 parents. Most of these parents are dating or looking for a new partner.
- Remarried or recoupled. Only 1 adult has (a) child(ren) from a previous relationship. Sometimes these new unions have additional children.
- Remarried or recoupled. Both adults have (a) child(ren) from a previous relationship. Sometimes these unions have additional children.
- Never-married single mothers and dating. Occasionally these moms are non-custodial parents. Their children visit her or she visits them. They often become recoupled.
- Never-married single fathers and dating. Occasionally these dads are non-custodial parents. They visit their children or have the children visit them. They often become recoupled.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Who's a Blended Stepfamily? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts
The term "blended" family is commonly used to refer to a stepfamily. It was coined because two families come together to presumably blend into one family. The reason I use the word presumably is because the two families usually don't blend together. They definitely start as two separate families and end as one family, but they don't blend. "Blending" implies that each of the separate parts, with distinct qualities, are all combined together to form one whole unit. In other words, a stepfamily is like a milkshake. Milk, sugar, ice-cream, fruit, and/or other ingredients that vary by family recipe, are all plopped into a blender. A button is pushed and the ingredients are mixed to form a flavorful concoction. With each bite, you don't specifically taste the sugar, milk, ice-cream, etc. You know that each is included, but you're only tasting the "blended" effect of everything together. You're now consuming one product, a milkshake, instead of multiple ingredients.
Stepfamilies are formed differently. Once the two families merge together, each one maintains it's own identity. In time, the two families learn to complement each other and work together to function as one family - a stepfamily. In fact, the stepfamily even expands across two households when both biological parents have joint custody. In no way do the two mix together to become one new whole.
In my opinion, a stepfamily is like a quilt. It is made up of many different colors and styles of small patches. Yet, when the patches are laid next to each other in certain ways, it is undeniably beautiful. Some sections may be green. Some may be pink. Some sections are solid. Some have patterns. Some of the patterns are flowered, whereas some may be speckled with other prints. Each section maintains its own style. The solids never become patterns. The patterns never become solid. The pinks never turn into green. The greens never change into pink. Each section always looks different. The sections do not “blend” into each other or change, although they may fade as time passes. So is the way of a stepfamily. Each member is unique and special. When viewed individually, it may first seem that they are too different to work together and function as a unit. Yet, just as each section of a quilt is arranged in a particular way in order to create one functional piece - a quilt, each person takes the time to figure out his or her own place within the bigger family, the new stepfamily. Hence, just as small patches of fabric come together to function as one beautiful quilt, two families unite together to form one functional stepfamily.
Of course, quilts are not created overnight, unless you are an expert quilt-maker like my friend Deborah Torrance-Robinson. She can knock out a beautiful quilt from scratch in less than a day. However, people of average-to-low skill level spend a long time learning how to make a quilt, yet alone complete a beautiful functional piece. Picking out the fabric is the easiest part, although that in itself could take hours or months, depending on the person and what they find available. Then there is the matting that goes between the fabric, a special way of cutting, measuring, sewing, and much more. Deciding how each patch of fabric should be placed next to the others takes a special eye. Although any two patches of fabric can be sewn together, not all combinations will seem to fit appropriately. It depends on the colors and styles of each individual patch. With practice, and sometimes guidance, a quilt-maker learns how to arrange the different fabrics in order to make it pleasing to the eye, as well as functional.
In the same manner, each member of a stepfamily needs to take his/her time to figure out how he/she will fit into the new stepfamily. This could mean a physical arrangement of the bedroom, preferred names or nicknames (mom/dad vs 1st name), or order of birthright (the youngest may suddenly have a younger sibling) to name a few. The details of these types of issues vary per family and situation. Yet, in all circumstances, it takes a little time to figure out what is comfortable for each family member. Once each figures out his/her place within the family, and each member accepts the placement of each other family member, the stepfamily unit is complete and functional. Just like a quilt.
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Stepfamilies are formed differently. Once the two families merge together, each one maintains it's own identity. In time, the two families learn to complement each other and work together to function as one family - a stepfamily. In fact, the stepfamily even expands across two households when both biological parents have joint custody. In no way do the two mix together to become one new whole.
In my opinion, a stepfamily is like a quilt. It is made up of many different colors and styles of small patches. Yet, when the patches are laid next to each other in certain ways, it is undeniably beautiful. Some sections may be green. Some may be pink. Some sections are solid. Some have patterns. Some of the patterns are flowered, whereas some may be speckled with other prints. Each section maintains its own style. The solids never become patterns. The patterns never become solid. The pinks never turn into green. The greens never change into pink. Each section always looks different. The sections do not “blend” into each other or change, although they may fade as time passes. So is the way of a stepfamily. Each member is unique and special. When viewed individually, it may first seem that they are too different to work together and function as a unit. Yet, just as each section of a quilt is arranged in a particular way in order to create one functional piece - a quilt, each person takes the time to figure out his or her own place within the bigger family, the new stepfamily. Hence, just as small patches of fabric come together to function as one beautiful quilt, two families unite together to form one functional stepfamily.
Of course, quilts are not created overnight, unless you are an expert quilt-maker like my friend Deborah Torrance-Robinson. She can knock out a beautiful quilt from scratch in less than a day. However, people of average-to-low skill level spend a long time learning how to make a quilt, yet alone complete a beautiful functional piece. Picking out the fabric is the easiest part, although that in itself could take hours or months, depending on the person and what they find available. Then there is the matting that goes between the fabric, a special way of cutting, measuring, sewing, and much more. Deciding how each patch of fabric should be placed next to the others takes a special eye. Although any two patches of fabric can be sewn together, not all combinations will seem to fit appropriately. It depends on the colors and styles of each individual patch. With practice, and sometimes guidance, a quilt-maker learns how to arrange the different fabrics in order to make it pleasing to the eye, as well as functional.
In the same manner, each member of a stepfamily needs to take his/her time to figure out how he/she will fit into the new stepfamily. This could mean a physical arrangement of the bedroom, preferred names or nicknames (mom/dad vs 1st name), or order of birthright (the youngest may suddenly have a younger sibling) to name a few. The details of these types of issues vary per family and situation. Yet, in all circumstances, it takes a little time to figure out what is comfortable for each family member. Once each figures out his/her place within the family, and each member accepts the placement of each other family member, the stepfamily unit is complete and functional. Just like a quilt.
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Friday, December 19, 2008
Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?
Remember the movie, The Outsiders? It's about 2 teen-age rival gangs, The Greasers and The Socials. The story is told from the viewpoint of The Greasers. There are about a dozen Greasers who are all friends with each other. Yet, they are considered to be outsiders of the community, particularly The Socials. Each gang dress and act different than the other. Within each gang, everybody is an insider; but to everybody else they are an outsider.
We can all relate to these categories as we've had similar categorized groups in high school. In my high school, there were the yuppies (preppies), nerds (smart computer geeks), jocks and cheerleaders, skaters, and stoners. Each of these groups were outsiders to all other groups. Yet, within each of the groups, everybody was an insider. Insiders share stories and secrets with each other. Their comfort level is so high that they can just be themselves. Regardless of what they say or how they act, they are accepted. If they do something wrong, the other insiders easily find it in their hearts to forgive and be "buds" again. Although there is some interaction between people of different groups, it is minimal. The interaction usually doesn't progress to a "friendship". Hence, they remain outsiders to each other.
Every once in awhile, a person from one group will befriend somebody in another group. When that happens, the friendship is kept secret for a long time because each person knows the other will probably not be accepted into their circle of friends. These 2 people become insiders to each other, and their respective group, but remain outsiders to the other person's group. Eventually, one or both may be included and possibly accepted as an insider to their respective group. If so, it usually does not go smoothly. It is a rough transition wrought with arguments and stress over a long period of time first. This is an example of human nature and is similar to what happens when a stepfamily forms.
Two adults meet and form a relationship. They interact with each other's children. Everybody gets along fine. There is seemingly no problems. When they think the time is right, they decide to move in together and join families. Suddenly, problems arise out of nowhere. There is an underlying thought in the air of how this could happen when everybody got along fine before moving in together. The answer is simple: They haven't transformed from an outsider to an insider yet.
It takes a long time for the step parent to transcend into being an insider. He/she has not shared in past family traditions, vacations, and memories. There is evidence in every aspect of life from the foods eaten at meal time, family photos around the house or in albums, and the lack of insider knowledge of the significance of family momentos and memoirs. This feeling of the step parent being an outsider is felt by both the step parent and step children. Ironically, the biological parent often doesn't sense it.
Inherent to being an outsider, there is a lack of understanding of why people on the inside do or say certain things. This is simply due to the fact that he/she wasn't around when the things were said or done for the first time. Furthermore, things are done very differently in his/her past family. Hence, the family insiders also don't understand why the step parent says or does certain things. Because they are all human, they have a tendency to not accept that which is different. When things go wrong, blame is often automatically applied to the outsider. The step parent sometimes attributes blame to the step kids, whereas the step kids attribute blame to the step parent. It's not easy for somebody to forgive an outsider. Again, this partly stems from lack of understanding and acceptance; but, it is also due to the nature of each person being an outsider to the other.
Learning to accept that which is different takes a lot of time and effort. Sometimes it also takes a third party (a different outsider) to help bridge the learning curve of gaining acceptance. Once genuine acceptance for each (step) family member is achieved, there is a foundation for the step parent to start becoming an insider.
Please keep this in mind within your stepfamily. If some family members are not getting along with each other, it is probably because they still feel like an outsider to the other. Becoming an insider does not happen over night. Not only does it take a long time, but a lot of effort too. Genuine acceptance of the outsider's behaviors and things he/she says is the first step into becoming an insider. It sets the foundation upon which all other aspects of a healthy functional stepfamily can be built.
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
We can all relate to these categories as we've had similar categorized groups in high school. In my high school, there were the yuppies (preppies), nerds (smart computer geeks), jocks and cheerleaders, skaters, and stoners. Each of these groups were outsiders to all other groups. Yet, within each of the groups, everybody was an insider. Insiders share stories and secrets with each other. Their comfort level is so high that they can just be themselves. Regardless of what they say or how they act, they are accepted. If they do something wrong, the other insiders easily find it in their hearts to forgive and be "buds" again. Although there is some interaction between people of different groups, it is minimal. The interaction usually doesn't progress to a "friendship". Hence, they remain outsiders to each other.
Every once in awhile, a person from one group will befriend somebody in another group. When that happens, the friendship is kept secret for a long time because each person knows the other will probably not be accepted into their circle of friends. These 2 people become insiders to each other, and their respective group, but remain outsiders to the other person's group. Eventually, one or both may be included and possibly accepted as an insider to their respective group. If so, it usually does not go smoothly. It is a rough transition wrought with arguments and stress over a long period of time first. This is an example of human nature and is similar to what happens when a stepfamily forms.
Two adults meet and form a relationship. They interact with each other's children. Everybody gets along fine. There is seemingly no problems. When they think the time is right, they decide to move in together and join families. Suddenly, problems arise out of nowhere. There is an underlying thought in the air of how this could happen when everybody got along fine before moving in together. The answer is simple: They haven't transformed from an outsider to an insider yet.
It takes a long time for the step parent to transcend into being an insider. He/she has not shared in past family traditions, vacations, and memories. There is evidence in every aspect of life from the foods eaten at meal time, family photos around the house or in albums, and the lack of insider knowledge of the significance of family momentos and memoirs. This feeling of the step parent being an outsider is felt by both the step parent and step children. Ironically, the biological parent often doesn't sense it.
Inherent to being an outsider, there is a lack of understanding of why people on the inside do or say certain things. This is simply due to the fact that he/she wasn't around when the things were said or done for the first time. Furthermore, things are done very differently in his/her past family. Hence, the family insiders also don't understand why the step parent says or does certain things. Because they are all human, they have a tendency to not accept that which is different. When things go wrong, blame is often automatically applied to the outsider. The step parent sometimes attributes blame to the step kids, whereas the step kids attribute blame to the step parent. It's not easy for somebody to forgive an outsider. Again, this partly stems from lack of understanding and acceptance; but, it is also due to the nature of each person being an outsider to the other.
Learning to accept that which is different takes a lot of time and effort. Sometimes it also takes a third party (a different outsider) to help bridge the learning curve of gaining acceptance. Once genuine acceptance for each (step) family member is achieved, there is a foundation for the step parent to start becoming an insider.
Please keep this in mind within your stepfamily. If some family members are not getting along with each other, it is probably because they still feel like an outsider to the other. Becoming an insider does not happen over night. Not only does it take a long time, but a lot of effort too. Genuine acceptance of the outsider's behaviors and things he/she says is the first step into becoming an insider. It sets the foundation upon which all other aspects of a healthy functional stepfamily can be built.
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving
We all know we're supposed to give thanks today for everything we have, including our families. Obviously, this tradition is no different in stepfamilies. This is sometimes harder than what it seems, especially in stepfamilies. Every member of the stepfamily has gone through a great deal of transition which is more evident on holidays than any other day.
This is a day when everybody spends time with "family". "Family" is the key word. This is the one aspect of the holiday that has changed the most. Many people spend time thinking of how Thanksgiving "used to be". They think of old traditions that have gone by the wayside, traveling to see relatives, and the various memories on Thanksgiving Days that will never be forgotten - so and so's first turkey when she forgot to remove the giblets from the cavity (you know who you are - lol), falling in mud while walking outside and getting our beautiful dresses dirty, etc. These memories last a lifetime and will forever make us smile after the fact.
Many of us take these memories forgranted. It is one thing that is noticeably vacant in stepfamilies because they are borne out of separation - a breaking of tradition. The "family" is not intact anymore. The places and faces are different. The memories of past Thanksgiving Days are still there, but now they often bring sadness. Children, stepparents, and biological parents alike ALL mourn the loss of the old family. The loss often accompanies a breaking of traditions.
Sometimes it is difficult in thes situation to again enjoy the holiday. Therefore, I am going to offer a fresh perspective. First, remeber the old times with a smile. They are always just a thought away can remain as a treasure in our hearts. Secondly, concentrate on what is happening now. I suggest to not have specific expectations of how the day will go. Make the decision to enjoy the day regardless of what happens. Then, go with the flow! This is how new memories are created. New and different memories are vital in stepfamilies. Thirdly, I suggest to start a new tradition that seems to be completely different from past traditions. This is a new family and a new era; it is a time of new traditions.
Of course, if the majority of family members feel very attached to old traditions and do not want to omit it, by all means follow that tradition. ALSO, start a new tradition. Old traditions are ways of honoring the old family and family members in other households. New traditions are ways of creating new memories that will bind the stepfamily together in ways the old traditions have bound the original family together. The key to remember on all holidays, but especially on Thanksgiving when the family is the focal point, is to create memories. Memories and/or traditions is something that all groups of close-knit friends, as well as close-knit families, have.
As somebody who has been a stepmother, I have additional suggestions for stepmothers. First, don't try to be Supermom who does everything and is determined to make Thanksgiving Day perfect. You'll only spin your wheels for nothing because perfection doesn't exist. Take a breather and try to stay calm. Let the day evolve naturally. That's when the best memories are created. You'll be able to look back at the day and be thankful (pun intended) that you did. :-) Maintain a sense of humor. If something happens or something is said that bothers you, ignore it and don't take it personally. Visibly smile so everybody can see. For example, if one of your stepchildren comments about the food. Remember that he/she is only missing his/her mom's cooking - and the way it used to be. We all have a special affinity for how our moms cook. :-) In this circumstance, I suggest a comment such as, "I know your mom is an excellent cook. She'll be very happy to know that you miss her cooking." This not only acknowledges that you understand him/her, but it also puts his/her mom in a positive light, which will be highly regarded by everybody at the table.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
P.S. Since this is a day of thanks, I will add the things that I am most thankful for. First of all, I am very thankful that my Internet is connected long enough for me to post this. Secondly (or maybe this should be first), I am thankful that I was able to borrow my brother-in-law's computer since the Internet on my computer is interrupted every 7 seconds. Thirdly, I am thankful for my car that still takes me everywhere I need to go. It takes a licking and keeps on ticking. :-) Fourth, I'm thankful for the new friends that I met recently. It always feels good to know when you have impacted somebody in a positive way - and have similarly been impacted. Last, but not least, I'm thankful for my life. My life journey has been interesting to say the least. It's evident that it will remain interesting for a long time to come. :-)
PPS. Yes, I am very thankful for my family, but I didn't want to sound cliche. Plus, the 5 things I mentioned above are things we sometimes take forgranted, especially the Internet in this day and age. We all have so much more to be thankful for than what we often think about.
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
This is a day when everybody spends time with "family". "Family" is the key word. This is the one aspect of the holiday that has changed the most. Many people spend time thinking of how Thanksgiving "used to be". They think of old traditions that have gone by the wayside, traveling to see relatives, and the various memories on Thanksgiving Days that will never be forgotten - so and so's first turkey when she forgot to remove the giblets from the cavity (you know who you are - lol), falling in mud while walking outside and getting our beautiful dresses dirty, etc. These memories last a lifetime and will forever make us smile after the fact.
Many of us take these memories forgranted. It is one thing that is noticeably vacant in stepfamilies because they are borne out of separation - a breaking of tradition. The "family" is not intact anymore. The places and faces are different. The memories of past Thanksgiving Days are still there, but now they often bring sadness. Children, stepparents, and biological parents alike ALL mourn the loss of the old family. The loss often accompanies a breaking of traditions.
Sometimes it is difficult in thes situation to again enjoy the holiday. Therefore, I am going to offer a fresh perspective. First, remeber the old times with a smile. They are always just a thought away can remain as a treasure in our hearts. Secondly, concentrate on what is happening now. I suggest to not have specific expectations of how the day will go. Make the decision to enjoy the day regardless of what happens. Then, go with the flow! This is how new memories are created. New and different memories are vital in stepfamilies. Thirdly, I suggest to start a new tradition that seems to be completely different from past traditions. This is a new family and a new era; it is a time of new traditions.
Of course, if the majority of family members feel very attached to old traditions and do not want to omit it, by all means follow that tradition. ALSO, start a new tradition. Old traditions are ways of honoring the old family and family members in other households. New traditions are ways of creating new memories that will bind the stepfamily together in ways the old traditions have bound the original family together. The key to remember on all holidays, but especially on Thanksgiving when the family is the focal point, is to create memories. Memories and/or traditions is something that all groups of close-knit friends, as well as close-knit families, have.
As somebody who has been a stepmother, I have additional suggestions for stepmothers. First, don't try to be Supermom who does everything and is determined to make Thanksgiving Day perfect. You'll only spin your wheels for nothing because perfection doesn't exist. Take a breather and try to stay calm. Let the day evolve naturally. That's when the best memories are created. You'll be able to look back at the day and be thankful (pun intended) that you did. :-) Maintain a sense of humor. If something happens or something is said that bothers you, ignore it and don't take it personally. Visibly smile so everybody can see. For example, if one of your stepchildren comments about the food. Remember that he/she is only missing his/her mom's cooking - and the way it used to be. We all have a special affinity for how our moms cook. :-) In this circumstance, I suggest a comment such as, "I know your mom is an excellent cook. She'll be very happy to know that you miss her cooking." This not only acknowledges that you understand him/her, but it also puts his/her mom in a positive light, which will be highly regarded by everybody at the table.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
P.S. Since this is a day of thanks, I will add the things that I am most thankful for. First of all, I am very thankful that my Internet is connected long enough for me to post this. Secondly (or maybe this should be first), I am thankful that I was able to borrow my brother-in-law's computer since the Internet on my computer is interrupted every 7 seconds. Thirdly, I am thankful for my car that still takes me everywhere I need to go. It takes a licking and keeps on ticking. :-) Fourth, I'm thankful for the new friends that I met recently. It always feels good to know when you have impacted somebody in a positive way - and have similarly been impacted. Last, but not least, I'm thankful for my life. My life journey has been interesting to say the least. It's evident that it will remain interesting for a long time to come. :-)
PPS. Yes, I am very thankful for my family, but I didn't want to sound cliche. Plus, the 5 things I mentioned above are things we sometimes take forgranted, especially the Internet in this day and age. We all have so much more to be thankful for than what we often think about.
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Misconception of Instant Love
One day while I was driving around running errands, I was listening to the radio. The special guest of the day was a psychologist discussing “the challenge of being a step mother/father". It didn't take long before I became really upset about a few opinions she offered that can not realistically work in a stepfamily.
Before I proceed, I want to stress that I respect the field of Psychology and all of the knowledge derived through research in the Social Sciences. [I also have degrees in Psychology and Sociology.] This expert merely dispensed what she learned, which has been confirmed as good advice by the success in biological families. Research within the Social Sciences has not caught up with family issues of this millennium. Just as it took a few decades for the effects of divorce to be understood, a true understanding of stepfamilies is just now rearing its head.
A distraught girl called in to comment on her situation. She strongly dislikes her stepfather disciplining her and believes he does not like her. The expert asked if the stepparent ever told her how much he loved her, to which she replied no. The expert then discussed how "wrong" it is for stepparents to not tell their stepchildren they love the kids. She stated that the stepfather in this situation would probably get better results from the girl if he told her he loved her. This could not be farther from the truth. Interestingly, she didn't ask the girl if it would make a difference. I also thought it was interesting that this expert did not ask the girl if she loved the stepparent.
This line of thought is a common reason for turmoil in stepfamilies. It is unrealistic to expect a stepparent and stepchildren to automatically love each other once the parents marry (or cohabitate). For many people, the expectation is only one-sided; they expect the stepparent to automatically love the stepchildren, but think it’s OK for the stepchildren to not love the stepparent. All family members are equal in their humanity. As such, the expectation for each should be equal. It takes a long time for most people to fall in love. Additionally, many potential stepparents don't meet the children until several months (sometimes years) after dating the biological parent. Usually, there is a gradual integration of the step into the family. Sometimes, the integration happens over a short period of time. Moreover, the connection between a stepparent and stepchild is not and cannot be on the same level as the connection between the two adults. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable for a stepparent and stepchild to not “love” each other. Of course, common courtesy and respect are always manditory. I'll get back to this in a minute.
Now think about our closest friends. Did they become close friends over night? Although a few of you are saying yes, this is a very small percentage. For most people, this takes a long time. So how can we expect even a strong friendship, yet alone instant love, between a stepparent and a stepchild? In fact, expecting instant love (or even a strong friendship) causes undo stress and guilt to the stepfamily members. They feel pressured to feel love when they don't, and often feel guilty. This guilt manifests itself through arguing, which leads to other stressful situations.
This doesn't mean that the step can't/won't "care" for the stepchildren - only that there shouldn't be any "expectations" of love. A must for stepfamilies, however, is to always show common courtesy and respect to every other family member and their opinions. Similarly, the stepparent's actions and behaviors should ALWAYS reflect the best interest of the child's welfare. This is important enough to restate again clearly: A stepparent’s actions and behaviors should always emit a concern for the safety and wellbeing of the child. As long as each family member is treated with respect and is accepted for being him/herself, it doesn’t matter if they “love” each other.
Before I proceed, I want to stress that I respect the field of Psychology and all of the knowledge derived through research in the Social Sciences. [I also have degrees in Psychology and Sociology.] This expert merely dispensed what she learned, which has been confirmed as good advice by the success in biological families. Research within the Social Sciences has not caught up with family issues of this millennium. Just as it took a few decades for the effects of divorce to be understood, a true understanding of stepfamilies is just now rearing its head.
A distraught girl called in to comment on her situation. She strongly dislikes her stepfather disciplining her and believes he does not like her. The expert asked if the stepparent ever told her how much he loved her, to which she replied no. The expert then discussed how "wrong" it is for stepparents to not tell their stepchildren they love the kids. She stated that the stepfather in this situation would probably get better results from the girl if he told her he loved her. This could not be farther from the truth. Interestingly, she didn't ask the girl if it would make a difference. I also thought it was interesting that this expert did not ask the girl if she loved the stepparent.
This line of thought is a common reason for turmoil in stepfamilies. It is unrealistic to expect a stepparent and stepchildren to automatically love each other once the parents marry (or cohabitate). For many people, the expectation is only one-sided; they expect the stepparent to automatically love the stepchildren, but think it’s OK for the stepchildren to not love the stepparent. All family members are equal in their humanity. As such, the expectation for each should be equal. It takes a long time for most people to fall in love. Additionally, many potential stepparents don't meet the children until several months (sometimes years) after dating the biological parent. Usually, there is a gradual integration of the step into the family. Sometimes, the integration happens over a short period of time. Moreover, the connection between a stepparent and stepchild is not and cannot be on the same level as the connection between the two adults. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable for a stepparent and stepchild to not “love” each other. Of course, common courtesy and respect are always manditory. I'll get back to this in a minute.
Now think about our closest friends. Did they become close friends over night? Although a few of you are saying yes, this is a very small percentage. For most people, this takes a long time. So how can we expect even a strong friendship, yet alone instant love, between a stepparent and a stepchild? In fact, expecting instant love (or even a strong friendship) causes undo stress and guilt to the stepfamily members. They feel pressured to feel love when they don't, and often feel guilty. This guilt manifests itself through arguing, which leads to other stressful situations.
This doesn't mean that the step can't/won't "care" for the stepchildren - only that there shouldn't be any "expectations" of love. A must for stepfamilies, however, is to always show common courtesy and respect to every other family member and their opinions. Similarly, the stepparent's actions and behaviors should ALWAYS reflect the best interest of the child's welfare. This is important enough to restate again clearly: A stepparent’s actions and behaviors should always emit a concern for the safety and wellbeing of the child. As long as each family member is treated with respect and is accepted for being him/herself, it doesn’t matter if they “love” each other.
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