Things I Learned Professionally and Personally

1) Conflict of Loyalties between step and biology.
Stepchildren often feel conflicted about liking their stepmom. Internally, they worry it means they like their mom less. This feeling is pronounced when the BioMom outwardly disapproves of the StepMom.

Tucking my ex-boyfriend’s son into bed was special to me. It was usually reserved for his dad, and he seldom requested me to. So whenever he asked me to do it, I cherished it more than he’ll ever know. For the few days afterward, he seemed more distant and argumentative, and almost always called his mom to take him somewhere. A long time would pass before he asked me to tuck him in again. At the time, I was confused and a little hurt. In reality, he was getting used to me. He liked me. He liked being tucked into bed. But, he was afraid of going against his mom, who did not hide her disdain for me. He felt he was not supposed to like me, as if it was somehow wrong. His dad and I were arguing a lot, too. Even if we didn’t argue in front of him, he could tell. This made it more confusing for his son to figure out my standing in the family. At the least, it made it harder for him to *want* to get close to me, for fear of losing somebody he cares about (again). [He didn’t like to be alone and already went through a family separation.] We can all relate to that. Many step parents are concerned about the same thing. I was.

2) Household rules need to be accompanied by predetermined consequences that need to be consistently enforced by bio parent (and step).

Many divorced parents develop guilt over putting their kids through a divorce. Some parents with joint custody turn into a holiday parent. Both of these scenarios contribute to less or inconsistent disciplining. When they become involved with a new person and form a stepfamily, the discipline usually doesn’t resume to how it was prior to the divorce. Because the step parent has a different style of discipline, arguments between the adults (step and bio) regarding discipline become prevalent. It is one of the top complaints among parents in stepfamilies. One suggestion is to form household rules agreed upon by both parents. Call a family meeting to announce changes and address questions. Be sure to call them “household” rules, which do not necessarily reflect rules in other bio parent’s house. Secondly, be sure to note that bio parent (over step parent) approved them to reduce resentment from kids. Consequences for breaking the rules should be mentioned during the meeting. As long as they are enforced consistently by bio parent, kids won’t resent the step parent when he/she tries to enforce them.

This was a huge issue in our house. When my stepson came to live with my now ex-boyfriend and I, the role of holiday parent switched from my ex-boyfriend to BioMom. However, my boyfriend did not resume discipline and was never able to enforce his own rules. One example is his son’s bedtime. Because my ex regularly made exceptions on bedtime, havoc ensued whenever I tried to put his son to bed when he wasn’t home. I was told, “Dad never makes me go to bed now.” I’d respond by referencing his dad’s rule, but there was no way to get away from him resenting me. I see similar stories in many of the stepfamilies I work with. An occasional exception is ok, but the precedence has to be established first.

3) The key for a step parent to build rapport and a caring relationship with step children is a delicate balance between mentoring, caring for their needs, and stepping back.

The role of step parent is precarious in that the children, spouse, and ex-spouse each have different expectations of the step parent, none of which are clearly defined. There is a constant potential of being criticized for either doing too much or not enough. Trying to be the best step parent ever – a Super Step – would likely cause the step children to resist and pull away. Sucking up to the children wouldn’t earn a step parent respect. Ironically, being too lax and uninvolved would have the same effect.

Step children need time to get used to the new family situation. They also need to have quality alone time with each biological parent, when possible. As long as their basic needs are met, they will feel wanted and loved.

My stepson found comfort in knowing there was always somebody available to provide for his needs: after-school snack, money for school lunch, clean clothes, and various other things. He knew he could rely on me to help him, but that he could also call his mom whenever he wanted. Likewise, he had many quality father-son times that were special to him. He felt wanted and loved, which was healthy.


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

Reaction to Stepmom Success: How to Deal with the Ex-Wife

This blog is written in reaction to referenced-article on Huffington Post dated Nov 11, 2010. Based on posted comments, I know I'm not the only person who feels this way.

They say that parenthood is a thankless job, but I say BioMoms and BioDads get thanks and recognition regularly. Step parenting is a truly thankless job. It takes time to build rapport with stepkids. Step parents are often criticized for being too much like a parent or not loving the children like their own – damned if they do, damned if they don’t. There is always a risk of being verbally attacked by either bio parent for overstepping bounds they didn’t know existed. I’d like to change these double standards. This article, although giving a few positive tips for being a good step-mom, does more to perpetuate her tireless thankless job. Additionally, it could fuel resentment toward BioMom as well as frustration over feeling powerless in dealing with her.

I want to be clear that I agree with most of the article. StepMoms have to accept the BioMom as having first dibs on whatever part of parenting they want. BioMom should be allowed to call or pick up the children anytime she likes, provided she makes proper arrangements, preferably in advance, with BioDad. (BioDad should consult his significant other on this.) Complimenting BioMom in the presence of the kids is a good idea. Doing it in front of BioMom depends on the situation and BioMom’s behavior. Bad behavior of BioMom should not be condoned or placated. Ignoring it is a good idea, but don’t reward it by complimenting her. It may encourage her to continue. StepMoms need to remember that BioMom may very well be insane – possibly in the literal sense. Nothing we say or do will change or control her. We should never do anything that mimics or disrespects her, regardless of what she says or does. I advocate all of that when coaching stepfamilies. None of it means StepMoms are powerless or don’t have a say.

StepMoms have power and control in their house, if they work as a team with BioDad. If BioDad has an effective co-parenting arrangement with BioMom, AND values input from his betrothed, StepMoms have real power. They have power in their rapport with the kids in spite of BM. Their power is in their ability to maintain composure and continue to unwaveringly support their steipkids in whatever way is necessary. This article claims StepMoms should keep their mouth shut. I say to only keep it shut in the presence of BioMom and the children. Venting to friends or family about her is beneficial in releasing frustration, but could potentially fuel the resentment. Learning how to set up and maintain boundaries is a better option. A professional Stepfamily Professional or professional-based support group could help.

I have personal experience with dealing with an ex-wife. I remember when I concluded the BioMom was insane. Truly, I thought, there was no other explanation for her behavior. The impetus was “Cody and the Hammer Incident”. Only people who were there know what I’m talking about. BioDad didn’t even know what to think. Prior to that incident, I had spent over a year trying very hard to like her. In the beginning, I liked her without a 2nd thought. Why wouldn’t I? My SO was a great guy. Surely he picked a good 1st woman. However, people and circumstances change consistently. This doesn’t mean she was no longer good; it means I shouldn’t have high expectations. Incident after incident made it difficult for me to like her. Gradually, my feelings changed to neutral. They wavered on dislike immediately before the above-mentioned incident. I didn’t like the thought of disliking somebody because it goes against the grain of who I am. This incident left me with no other conclusion than her insanity. With repeated incidents over the following year, I eventually came to strongly dislike her, and then hate her. No, it wasn’t right; but it was accurately how I felt.

In spite of how I felt about her, I always did my best to treat her as another human being with emotions and problems just like the rest of us. In spite of how she felt about me, on 2 occasions over the 2 ½ year period, she kissed me on the cheek. If I can get that result in spite of being clueless about step dynamics, I can only imagine the positive results I would’ve got if I knew how to handle other situations better.

My initial immediate reaction to the mentioned article was rage. My instinct told me the author is a BioMom who is resentful of her kids’ StepMom. I, for one, am tired of reading articles of how step parents have to step back, repress there emotions, and accept Bio parents without question. I want to read more articles addressed to BioMom on how to accept their divorce and their ex’s new wife. I want to read articles suggesting that BioMom learn how to respect the StepMom and not overstep her bounds on her ex-husband’s new relationship. I think many StepMom’s will agree with me. My secondary reaction to the article came from my professional practical side. It doesn’t alter what I just said, but acknowledges that most of the article was correct. The nature of stepfamilies is complicated. Step parents have rights, but they also need to tread lightly.

A better article, in my opinion, would be how StepMoms can deal with the ex-wife in spite of her insanity. I don’t really think BioMoms are insane, but they are insecure and don’t fully grasp how strong the biological bond is with their children. The nature of stepfamilies means BioMom cannot be around their children 24/7. The vast majority of StepMoms are not trying to take over as Mom. Women with a maternal instinct cannot repress or eliminate it. Nor should they. I advocate that BioMom’s accept StepMom’s as a substitute when they are not around, which happens frequently in stepfamilies, per inherent dynamics of step families. By substitute, I mean secondary. StepMoms deserve respect and support from both Bio parents because they are doing a tough job – tougher than bio parenting.



Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

The Double Standard of Being a Stepparent

Good Morning America played an interesting segment on "Mom vs Stepmom" last Friday, April 3. The idea ignited after a well-known model, Gisele Bundchen, made an innocent comment about her feelings toward her stepchildren. She simply stated that she considers them to be 100% hers. Why wouldn't she feel this way? More to the point, why shouldn't she feel this way? After all, she is married to their biological father. Haven't we all learned that we should love not only the person we're married to, but all of his/her family as well? That includes the kids, obviously. The in-laws, though, are an exception - particularly the mother-in-law. It seems to be OK to not like them - or at least not get along well with them.

Divorce seems to be OK too. Oh sure, we're told that we should only marry once, only marry the person we're in love with, never cheat on that person, and never get divorced. Yet, the divorce rate for first-time marriages is 50%. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is 66%, and higher still for marriages with children (families). That is, if the couple even wants to get remarried. Many couples are choosing to cohabitate (live together/shack up) instead, because they don't *want* to get divorced again. It was so painful the first time, they figure why do it a 2nd time.

These rates in and of themselves reflect a contradiction in the so-called family values of our society. On one hand, we espouse the importance of family values, staying together, loving everybody, treating everybody equally, and on, and on, and on. Yet, on the other hand, we have pretty much accepted these divorce/separation rates as fact and not likely to change. Indeed, somebody just told me THAT last week - to not expect the divorce rate to decrease. EVER!! So we've accepted the fact that separation/divorce happens, as well as the reasons for them, including infidelity.

The dynamics of stepfamilies, then, is the epitome of contradictory family values, and the stepparent is the biggest victim of the double standards. We are all led to believe that we *can* love anybody we want - and that love *can* last forever if we just try hard enough. We are all led to believe, thanks to movies like Yours Mine and Ours, that we too can form a blended family and everybody will live happily ever after. However, anybody who has been in a stepfamily knows that this is not the case. The reality is that stepparents and stepchildren do not automatically or instantaneously love each other just because the adults in the family get remarried. As a matter of fact, in many stepfamilies (blended families) the love doesn't come until several years down the road. In other stepfamilies, the love NEVER comes. That is one reason why the divorce rate for stepfamilies are so much higher than the rate for biological/traditional families.

We do not choose who we love. Moreover, we cannot make another person love us. We choose how we treat people. We should ALWAYS choose to treat people fairly, courteously, and with respect, which is especially important in stepfamilies. Not instantly loving stepparents or stepchildren is OK provided that you treat them the right way.

Stepfamilies are a case in point. We expect the stepparent to automatically love the biological children upon the marriage to their bio parent; yet, we don't hold the kids to the same standard because they are "kids". Then, if the kids try to break up the marriage because they are not happy about having another parent, the stepparent is expected to be the bigger person and not get frustrated or upset. Many parents revolve around the children in hopes to make them happy without understanding that the only thing the children want is for their biological parents to be back together again, which is not a possibility in 99% of cases. That is why it is important for stepfamilies to figure out how to make the new union work as 1 stepfamily unit.

Then there is the other side of the double standard, as in the case of Gisele Bundchen. She internalized these family values that the Greater Society has espoused throughout the years. She internalized the message and had taken it to heart. She fully intends and expects to be just as good as her stepchildren's biological mom. In every bone of her body, she believes that she will love her husband's children as her own and treat them just as she would her own kids. In that sense, she considers them to be 100% her own. The other side of that same coin, though, is the simple fact that they are not her children. No matter what she does from now until the day she dies... even if she deeply bonds with them, she will never have a biological bond with them. She can never replace their mom. She knows she can't also and wasn't expecting to try and replace their mom; yet she believes she can be all to them that their mom can be. Indeed, she can - all except the level and quality of love (bond) that only exists between a mom her biological child.

The other factor that wasn't considered - and usually is not known or understood - is how the stepchildren really feel about their new stepmom, the new family, new environment (neighborhood, house, friends, etc). Nor are the feelings of the biological mother known or understood. Many, many women have a difficult time seeing their ex-spouse with a new woman. This is particularly harsh if the new woman is perceived (by the ex-wife) to be prettier, younger, more well-known, or more glamorous. This can be harsher still if, God forbid, she was the "other woman" while the biological dad was still married. Women more than men can be very insecure about these qualities in themselves. When they see their ex with a new woman that has these qualities, their insecurities come to the forefront. In the mind of many of these ex-wives is that he broke up with her because she wasn't pretty enough, was too fat, too thin, too frumpy, not glamorous enough, ... you get the picture. In actuality, those reasons usually have nothing to do with the reasons for the initial break-up. Suddenly, things that didn't seem to be an issue before is now an issue for the ex-wife. This puts the stepmom in a precarious position from the start. It is a long uphill trudge which frequently catches her by surprise to say the least.

Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in stepfamilies
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892