This blog is written in reaction to referenced-article on Huffington Post dated Nov 11, 2010. Based on posted comments, I know I'm not the only person who feels this way.
They say that parenthood is a thankless job, but I say BioMoms and BioDads get thanks and recognition regularly. Step parenting is a truly thankless job. It takes time to build rapport with stepkids. Step parents are often criticized for being too much like a parent or not loving the children like their own – damned if they do, damned if they don’t. There is always a risk of being verbally attacked by either bio parent for overstepping bounds they didn’t know existed. I’d like to change these double standards. This article, although giving a few positive tips for being a good step-mom, does more to perpetuate her tireless thankless job. Additionally, it could fuel resentment toward BioMom as well as frustration over feeling powerless in dealing with her.
I want to be clear that I agree with most of the article. StepMoms have to accept the BioMom as having first dibs on whatever part of parenting they want. BioMom should be allowed to call or pick up the children anytime she likes, provided she makes proper arrangements, preferably in advance, with BioDad. (BioDad should consult his significant other on this.) Complimenting BioMom in the presence of the kids is a good idea. Doing it in front of BioMom depends on the situation and BioMom’s behavior. Bad behavior of BioMom should not be condoned or placated. Ignoring it is a good idea, but don’t reward it by complimenting her. It may encourage her to continue. StepMoms need to remember that BioMom may very well be insane – possibly in the literal sense. Nothing we say or do will change or control her. We should never do anything that mimics or disrespects her, regardless of what she says or does. I advocate all of that when coaching stepfamilies. None of it means StepMoms are powerless or don’t have a say.
StepMoms have power and control in their house, if they work as a team with BioDad. If BioDad has an effective co-parenting arrangement with BioMom, AND values input from his betrothed, StepMoms have real power. They have power in their rapport with the kids in spite of BM. Their power is in their ability to maintain composure and continue to unwaveringly support their steipkids in whatever way is necessary. This article claims StepMoms should keep their mouth shut. I say to only keep it shut in the presence of BioMom and the children. Venting to friends or family about her is beneficial in releasing frustration, but could potentially fuel the resentment. Learning how to set up and maintain boundaries is a better option. A professional Stepfamily Professional or professional-based support group could help.
I have personal experience with dealing with an ex-wife. I remember when I concluded the BioMom was insane. Truly, I thought, there was no other explanation for her behavior. The impetus was “Cody and the Hammer Incident”. Only people who were there know what I’m talking about. BioDad didn’t even know what to think. Prior to that incident, I had spent over a year trying very hard to like her. In the beginning, I liked her without a 2nd thought. Why wouldn’t I? My SO was a great guy. Surely he picked a good 1st woman. However, people and circumstances change consistently. This doesn’t mean she was no longer good; it means I shouldn’t have high expectations. Incident after incident made it difficult for me to like her. Gradually, my feelings changed to neutral. They wavered on dislike immediately before the above-mentioned incident. I didn’t like the thought of disliking somebody because it goes against the grain of who I am. This incident left me with no other conclusion than her insanity. With repeated incidents over the following year, I eventually came to strongly dislike her, and then hate her. No, it wasn’t right; but it was accurately how I felt.
In spite of how I felt about her, I always did my best to treat her as another human being with emotions and problems just like the rest of us. In spite of how she felt about me, on 2 occasions over the 2 ½ year period, she kissed me on the cheek. If I can get that result in spite of being clueless about step dynamics, I can only imagine the positive results I would’ve got if I knew how to handle other situations better.
My initial immediate reaction to the mentioned article was rage. My instinct told me the author is a BioMom who is resentful of her kids’ StepMom. I, for one, am tired of reading articles of how step parents have to step back, repress there emotions, and accept Bio parents without question. I want to read more articles addressed to BioMom on how to accept their divorce and their ex’s new wife. I want to read articles suggesting that BioMom learn how to respect the StepMom and not overstep her bounds on her ex-husband’s new relationship. I think many StepMom’s will agree with me. My secondary reaction to the article came from my professional practical side. It doesn’t alter what I just said, but acknowledges that most of the article was correct. The nature of stepfamilies is complicated. Step parents have rights, but they also need to tread lightly.
A better article, in my opinion, would be how StepMoms can deal with the ex-wife in spite of her insanity. I don’t really think BioMoms are insane, but they are insecure and don’t fully grasp how strong the biological bond is with their children. The nature of stepfamilies means BioMom cannot be around their children 24/7. The vast majority of StepMoms are not trying to take over as Mom. Women with a maternal instinct cannot repress or eliminate it. Nor should they. I advocate that BioMom’s accept StepMom’s as a substitute when they are not around, which happens frequently in stepfamilies, per inherent dynamics of step families. By substitute, I mean secondary. StepMoms deserve respect and support from both Bio parents because they are doing a tough job – tougher than bio parenting.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Showing posts with label co-parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label co-parenting. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Stepmoms Toolbox discussed Secrets of Stepfamily Success - Review
Gloria Lintermans is author of the book, The Secrets to Stepfamily Success. No, I have not had a chance to read it yet. I barely finished the last book, but plan to pick this one up very soon. I'm looking forward to it, in fact, especially after hearing her discussion on The Stepmoms Toolbox blog-talk radio.
The most significant point Gloria made was the importance of mourning the loss of the first family. Both children and parents need to expend the energy to do it in their own way. Gloria gave several phases of the grieving process. Per the chapters in her book, I'm looking forward to reading the details of how she was able to do this. I'm confident this grieving process can also be used in the situation of a death of a spouse (parent). Gloria has gone through that personally. One detrimental effect of children not properly mourning the loss of their first family is defiance or anger. Please keep this in mind if you have a child or stepchild acting out or being disobedient.
Another point Gloria discussed is about discipline. She advocates all parents and spouses, including step parents and ex-spouses, should communicate and co-parent together. They should all be cooperative and develop long-range goals. I couldn't agree with this more. I advocate this, too, and readily admit this is the most ideal way to build a healthy strong cohesive stepfamily. I was disappointed, though, that she didn't offer specific ways to accomplish this. It's likely she covers this in the book. I know from working with families clinically how difficult this can be. It's difficult enough for 1 set of parents to agree on discipline issues, yet alone 2 sets (4 parents). For these families, total agreement may seem impossible. Setting up household rules is a step in that direction. Be sure to include consequences for breaking the rules and any specific exceptions. Gloria didn't mention that tip directly, but later suggested to set age-appropriate limits or rules.
When asked about a situation in which a StepMom was involved with a non-cooperative BioMom, Gloria reiterated the need for all co-parents to work together. If BioMom has any mental illness, BioDad should petition the court for full custody. She admitted there is no good answer because chaos ensues without good co-parenting. I somewhat disagree. Yes, the answer is not an easy one. Giving an answer is remarkably easier than implementing any tools. Although petitioning the court for full custody has benefits and is possible, it is a very arduous process and likely to fuel tempers and increase arguments. It detracts from the children having easy access to both parents. Many of us already know the research expressing the developmental advantages of children with both parents. Plus, full custody is not practical or possible for all families.
The answer is related to setting boundaries for your family household - empowering yourselves with the right perspective. The right perspective is total acceptance of BioMom. You have no control over her and cannot change her if she doesn't want to change. This does not mean you have to play games. You and your spouse decide your limits of what you will and will not allow, what you will and will not do, and how far you will bend. You can do this and still treat BioMom with respect and courtesy. The biggest effect of total acceptance is the disappearance of resentment and anger. It is amazing how much more stable a once chaotic household can become once this is achieved. It's not quick and easy, but it can be done. All worthwhile goals take time and effort. This is one of them.
Gloria also discussed the higher divorce rate of stepfamilies. There is no consensus on the statistic because many cohabiting stepfamilies are not included in divorce stats when they separate. Some stats estimate this percentage, while others do not. I've seen the stat as high as 85% and low as 66%. Whichever stat is used, there is no mistake that 2nd families break up more frequently than first families. The percentage of stepfamilies that stick through the challenges estimate that it takes 7-10 years for them to feel comfortable with each other as a stepfamily.
The ladies on Stepmoms Toolbox are in successful stepfamilies and I'm very pleased for them. They commented that stepfamilies should "stick it out" because "it hurts but won't kill you." From my personal experience in a stepfamily, as well as a professional working with stepfamilies, I can not agree with this as a blanket statement. Many unhealthy behaviors and attitudes exist in the stepfamilies who break up. Unless these behaviors and attitudes are transformed into positives, maybe breaking up is better for these families. Maybe a few of them are dying - emotionally. Maybe they're changing into somebody they don't want to be. Maybe they are developing addictions in order to cope. There are many other maybe's. All of them are just more reasons to seek out a Stepfamily Professional. A professional may be able to reverse the negative trend into a positive. If not, at least a professional could provide a healthier perspective of the family's situation.
Several parents swear they will never marry or move in with somebody again because of how emotionally stressful the first situation was. That is the reason my mom decided to never remarry after divorcing my dad. I, too, felt that way when I first left my stepmom role. It took me a couple years to overcome that. What made the difference for me is understanding the dynamics of step and figuring out what could've been done differently to get different results. Through intensive soul-searching, I figured out how I had attracted a dysfunctional family. Now that I have finally found inner peace, I feel confident that I'll attract the right relationship/man when I'm ready. Our internal psyche leads us to others with a similar psyche, whether we realize it or not. Chapter Four of Gloria's book discusses remarrying the right people for the right reasons.
There is 1 final angle from the discussion I'd like to bring up. On the subject of a stepmom without children of her own coming into a stepfamily, Gloria's comments placed the burden of learning and adjusting on the stepmom. Because this blog-talk radio show is targeted to stepmoms, it's understandable why she didn't mention the biological dad. Still, it was an oversight to not urge her to confide in and lean more on her husband. This would only work if he also took the time and energy to learn about stepfamily dynamics and made a commitment to adjusting to their stepfamily *together*. These 2 people - Step Parent and Bio Parent - is the foundation of the stepfamily. The better they are at being a team increases the likelihood of becoming a healthy stepfamily.
On this same topic, Gloria imparted valuable insights. She mentioned the importance of learning new tools of parenting, admitting you don't know everything, are sometimes wrong, and have no desire to "replace" or be a better "Mom". I completely agree with all of these insights. I'd further extend this suggestion to the Bio Parent. Bio Parents sometimes get stuck in parenting a certain way, as if they always know best because they are the natural parent. This is not always the case. They are also human, which makes them fallible. Sometimes, their internal emotions of guilt or pride clouds their better judgment. Moreover, many single and joint parents fall into the "holiday parent" and lax on discipline. Little to no discipline by the Bio Parent translates to a tougher adjustment and more stress on a stepmom. A stepmom without children of her own is more acutely stressed when she is perceived to not know anything about parenting when in fact the Bio Dad is not disciplining appropriately. This is common in many households in which the step parent has no biological offspring.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
The most significant point Gloria made was the importance of mourning the loss of the first family. Both children and parents need to expend the energy to do it in their own way. Gloria gave several phases of the grieving process. Per the chapters in her book, I'm looking forward to reading the details of how she was able to do this. I'm confident this grieving process can also be used in the situation of a death of a spouse (parent). Gloria has gone through that personally. One detrimental effect of children not properly mourning the loss of their first family is defiance or anger. Please keep this in mind if you have a child or stepchild acting out or being disobedient.
Another point Gloria discussed is about discipline. She advocates all parents and spouses, including step parents and ex-spouses, should communicate and co-parent together. They should all be cooperative and develop long-range goals. I couldn't agree with this more. I advocate this, too, and readily admit this is the most ideal way to build a healthy strong cohesive stepfamily. I was disappointed, though, that she didn't offer specific ways to accomplish this. It's likely she covers this in the book. I know from working with families clinically how difficult this can be. It's difficult enough for 1 set of parents to agree on discipline issues, yet alone 2 sets (4 parents). For these families, total agreement may seem impossible. Setting up household rules is a step in that direction. Be sure to include consequences for breaking the rules and any specific exceptions. Gloria didn't mention that tip directly, but later suggested to set age-appropriate limits or rules.
When asked about a situation in which a StepMom was involved with a non-cooperative BioMom, Gloria reiterated the need for all co-parents to work together. If BioMom has any mental illness, BioDad should petition the court for full custody. She admitted there is no good answer because chaos ensues without good co-parenting. I somewhat disagree. Yes, the answer is not an easy one. Giving an answer is remarkably easier than implementing any tools. Although petitioning the court for full custody has benefits and is possible, it is a very arduous process and likely to fuel tempers and increase arguments. It detracts from the children having easy access to both parents. Many of us already know the research expressing the developmental advantages of children with both parents. Plus, full custody is not practical or possible for all families.
The answer is related to setting boundaries for your family household - empowering yourselves with the right perspective. The right perspective is total acceptance of BioMom. You have no control over her and cannot change her if she doesn't want to change. This does not mean you have to play games. You and your spouse decide your limits of what you will and will not allow, what you will and will not do, and how far you will bend. You can do this and still treat BioMom with respect and courtesy. The biggest effect of total acceptance is the disappearance of resentment and anger. It is amazing how much more stable a once chaotic household can become once this is achieved. It's not quick and easy, but it can be done. All worthwhile goals take time and effort. This is one of them.
Gloria also discussed the higher divorce rate of stepfamilies. There is no consensus on the statistic because many cohabiting stepfamilies are not included in divorce stats when they separate. Some stats estimate this percentage, while others do not. I've seen the stat as high as 85% and low as 66%. Whichever stat is used, there is no mistake that 2nd families break up more frequently than first families. The percentage of stepfamilies that stick through the challenges estimate that it takes 7-10 years for them to feel comfortable with each other as a stepfamily.
The ladies on Stepmoms Toolbox are in successful stepfamilies and I'm very pleased for them. They commented that stepfamilies should "stick it out" because "it hurts but won't kill you." From my personal experience in a stepfamily, as well as a professional working with stepfamilies, I can not agree with this as a blanket statement. Many unhealthy behaviors and attitudes exist in the stepfamilies who break up. Unless these behaviors and attitudes are transformed into positives, maybe breaking up is better for these families. Maybe a few of them are dying - emotionally. Maybe they're changing into somebody they don't want to be. Maybe they are developing addictions in order to cope. There are many other maybe's. All of them are just more reasons to seek out a Stepfamily Professional. A professional may be able to reverse the negative trend into a positive. If not, at least a professional could provide a healthier perspective of the family's situation.
Several parents swear they will never marry or move in with somebody again because of how emotionally stressful the first situation was. That is the reason my mom decided to never remarry after divorcing my dad. I, too, felt that way when I first left my stepmom role. It took me a couple years to overcome that. What made the difference for me is understanding the dynamics of step and figuring out what could've been done differently to get different results. Through intensive soul-searching, I figured out how I had attracted a dysfunctional family. Now that I have finally found inner peace, I feel confident that I'll attract the right relationship/man when I'm ready. Our internal psyche leads us to others with a similar psyche, whether we realize it or not. Chapter Four of Gloria's book discusses remarrying the right people for the right reasons.
There is 1 final angle from the discussion I'd like to bring up. On the subject of a stepmom without children of her own coming into a stepfamily, Gloria's comments placed the burden of learning and adjusting on the stepmom. Because this blog-talk radio show is targeted to stepmoms, it's understandable why she didn't mention the biological dad. Still, it was an oversight to not urge her to confide in and lean more on her husband. This would only work if he also took the time and energy to learn about stepfamily dynamics and made a commitment to adjusting to their stepfamily *together*. These 2 people - Step Parent and Bio Parent - is the foundation of the stepfamily. The better they are at being a team increases the likelihood of becoming a healthy stepfamily.
On this same topic, Gloria imparted valuable insights. She mentioned the importance of learning new tools of parenting, admitting you don't know everything, are sometimes wrong, and have no desire to "replace" or be a better "Mom". I completely agree with all of these insights. I'd further extend this suggestion to the Bio Parent. Bio Parents sometimes get stuck in parenting a certain way, as if they always know best because they are the natural parent. This is not always the case. They are also human, which makes them fallible. Sometimes, their internal emotions of guilt or pride clouds their better judgment. Moreover, many single and joint parents fall into the "holiday parent" and lax on discipline. Little to no discipline by the Bio Parent translates to a tougher adjustment and more stress on a stepmom. A stepmom without children of her own is more acutely stressed when she is perceived to not know anything about parenting when in fact the Bio Dad is not disciplining appropriately. This is common in many households in which the step parent has no biological offspring.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)