The Double Standard of Being a Stepparent

Good Morning America played an interesting segment on "Mom vs Stepmom" last Friday, April 3. The idea ignited after a well-known model, Gisele Bundchen, made an innocent comment about her feelings toward her stepchildren. She simply stated that she considers them to be 100% hers. Why wouldn't she feel this way? More to the point, why shouldn't she feel this way? After all, she is married to their biological father. Haven't we all learned that we should love not only the person we're married to, but all of his/her family as well? That includes the kids, obviously. The in-laws, though, are an exception - particularly the mother-in-law. It seems to be OK to not like them - or at least not get along well with them.

Divorce seems to be OK too. Oh sure, we're told that we should only marry once, only marry the person we're in love with, never cheat on that person, and never get divorced. Yet, the divorce rate for first-time marriages is 50%. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is 66%, and higher still for marriages with children (families). That is, if the couple even wants to get remarried. Many couples are choosing to cohabitate (live together/shack up) instead, because they don't *want* to get divorced again. It was so painful the first time, they figure why do it a 2nd time.

These rates in and of themselves reflect a contradiction in the so-called family values of our society. On one hand, we espouse the importance of family values, staying together, loving everybody, treating everybody equally, and on, and on, and on. Yet, on the other hand, we have pretty much accepted these divorce/separation rates as fact and not likely to change. Indeed, somebody just told me THAT last week - to not expect the divorce rate to decrease. EVER!! So we've accepted the fact that separation/divorce happens, as well as the reasons for them, including infidelity.

The dynamics of stepfamilies, then, is the epitome of contradictory family values, and the stepparent is the biggest victim of the double standards. We are all led to believe that we *can* love anybody we want - and that love *can* last forever if we just try hard enough. We are all led to believe, thanks to movies like Yours Mine and Ours, that we too can form a blended family and everybody will live happily ever after. However, anybody who has been in a stepfamily knows that this is not the case. The reality is that stepparents and stepchildren do not automatically or instantaneously love each other just because the adults in the family get remarried. As a matter of fact, in many stepfamilies (blended families) the love doesn't come until several years down the road. In other stepfamilies, the love NEVER comes. That is one reason why the divorce rate for stepfamilies are so much higher than the rate for biological/traditional families.

We do not choose who we love. Moreover, we cannot make another person love us. We choose how we treat people. We should ALWAYS choose to treat people fairly, courteously, and with respect, which is especially important in stepfamilies. Not instantly loving stepparents or stepchildren is OK provided that you treat them the right way.

Stepfamilies are a case in point. We expect the stepparent to automatically love the biological children upon the marriage to their bio parent; yet, we don't hold the kids to the same standard because they are "kids". Then, if the kids try to break up the marriage because they are not happy about having another parent, the stepparent is expected to be the bigger person and not get frustrated or upset. Many parents revolve around the children in hopes to make them happy without understanding that the only thing the children want is for their biological parents to be back together again, which is not a possibility in 99% of cases. That is why it is important for stepfamilies to figure out how to make the new union work as 1 stepfamily unit.

Then there is the other side of the double standard, as in the case of Gisele Bundchen. She internalized these family values that the Greater Society has espoused throughout the years. She internalized the message and had taken it to heart. She fully intends and expects to be just as good as her stepchildren's biological mom. In every bone of her body, she believes that she will love her husband's children as her own and treat them just as she would her own kids. In that sense, she considers them to be 100% her own. The other side of that same coin, though, is the simple fact that they are not her children. No matter what she does from now until the day she dies... even if she deeply bonds with them, she will never have a biological bond with them. She can never replace their mom. She knows she can't also and wasn't expecting to try and replace their mom; yet she believes she can be all to them that their mom can be. Indeed, she can - all except the level and quality of love (bond) that only exists between a mom her biological child.

The other factor that wasn't considered - and usually is not known or understood - is how the stepchildren really feel about their new stepmom, the new family, new environment (neighborhood, house, friends, etc). Nor are the feelings of the biological mother known or understood. Many, many women have a difficult time seeing their ex-spouse with a new woman. This is particularly harsh if the new woman is perceived (by the ex-wife) to be prettier, younger, more well-known, or more glamorous. This can be harsher still if, God forbid, she was the "other woman" while the biological dad was still married. Women more than men can be very insecure about these qualities in themselves. When they see their ex with a new woman that has these qualities, their insecurities come to the forefront. In the mind of many of these ex-wives is that he broke up with her because she wasn't pretty enough, was too fat, too thin, too frumpy, not glamorous enough, ... you get the picture. In actuality, those reasons usually have nothing to do with the reasons for the initial break-up. Suddenly, things that didn't seem to be an issue before is now an issue for the ex-wife. This puts the stepmom in a precarious position from the start. It is a long uphill trudge which frequently catches her by surprise to say the least.

Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in stepfamilies
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892

Tele-class on improving relations as a stepparent was a success

Thank you to all who attended Thursday night's tele-class. Susan Epstein of Parenting Powers asked some great questions and contributed a stepfamily story of her own.

Below are a few of the things I talked about:

1) How fairy tales, books, and movies inaccuracy depict step families (AKA blended families).

They either portray the stepfamily as one in which they overcome many problems and then live "happily ever after"; Or the step parent, and sometimes step siblings, are "evil". In this scenario, the stepfamily member usually ends up leaving the family by the end of the story, or she/he gets offed. And that is considered a GOOD thing!

These portrayals of stepfamilies are profoundly offbase to say the least. Unfortunately, they contribute to the confusion and misconceptions that pervade our society. In fact, many children fear getting a stepmom because they hold on to this fallacious notion that she will be mean. Furthermore, many women who become stepmothers are ALSO intensely concerned about having the title of "stepmother". They detest the title so much that they go above and beyond the usual motherly acts with the hope and expectation of overcoming this wicked stereotype.

In reality, the vast majority of step parents have only good intentions. They make sincere efforts to do the right thing. However, their words and deeds do not elicit the result they expect, even though the exact same words and deeds would only have a positive result in a first-time biological family. The main reason for this difference is that first-time families are borne out of happiness and bliss, whereas step families are borne out of the many unfavorable emotions related to divorce.

I mentioned a few emotions that children often feel after the divorce, and how these emotions are manifested through ill-manners and misbehaviors. I also mentioned a few things step parents can do about these situations to possibly minimize the effect.


2) The terms "stepfamily" and "blended family" are synonymous, but I prefer the former term.

A copy of my published article, "Blended Family? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts" was on-hand for all attendees.

3) Stepparents should NOT take anything personal. Nothing the kids say is about you.

Each person in the family is mourning the loss of the original family. Parents stop mourning this loss a lot sooner than children. They fall in love with another person and get married. Instead of having a honeymoon phase like in their first marriage, they have an instant family to manage. Children have usually not fallen in love with the step parent when the family unites into 1 house as a step (blended) family. This adversely affects their opinion of the stepparent, as well as everything the stepparent does. Even if the child says he/she hates you or disobeys you, remember that it is NOT ABOUT YOU. The child is really expressing how he feels about his/her new environment and family. Still, this is about the loss of the original family. It has nothing to do with the addition of a new person into the family as much as it is to do with NOT having the other parent around.


4) Respect the past family history and differences of personalities or habits.

It is human nature to reject what we don't understand, which is usually anything different than ourselves. Other people and families do things very different than what we do. When one family marries another, 2 diverse groups of habits and personalities are coming together. Some of the things each one does may conflict or interfere with the ways of the other family. This is one source of contention and arguments between siblings. In first-time biological families, the family members have already developed ways of resolving the conflict, as they've had many years together to learn how to deal with the other family members. They reach the point of accepting these differences as natural. However, dissimilar attitudes and behaviors of stepfamily members are considered weird or deviant. I discuss this a little more in detail in my published article, "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"

Think of creative ways to resolve conflicting family habits. Both Susan and myself shared a short story from our own experiences.

5) Creating memories and taking advantage of bonding moments are extremely important.

Stepfamilies lack previous history and memories as a "family". This means that step parents have to patiently listen to their step children talk about their "family" memories with both biological parents, which does not include the step parent. It takes time for the step parent to create new memories with him/her included as part of the new family. Therefore, vacations to new places and having a weekly or bi-monthly family night is recommended. I also recommend you take pictures in order to capture the fond moments and reminisce about them later. Place the pictures on the wall or mantle, which will help to establish a healthy family environment of good memories.

Eating meals as a family is a superb way of becoming a more cohesive stepfamily. It is a time to get to know the new family members, build rapport, and bond as a family. I highly recommend eating together as a family - both biological and stepfamily members. If this cannot be done daily, a good-faith effort should be made to do it as often as possible, even if only once or twice per week. Connie Fitzmartin has some great suggestions for making mealtime fun in her book, Magical Meals Manual. It is worth the time to check out. You'll be glad you did.

Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step and adopted families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892

Who's a Blended Stepfamily? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts

The term "blended" family is commonly used to refer to a stepfamily. It was coined because two families come together to presumably blend into one family. The reason I use the word presumably is because the two families usually don't blend together. They definitely start as two separate families and end as one family, but they don't blend. "Blending" implies that each of the separate parts, with distinct qualities, are all combined together to form one whole unit. In other words, a stepfamily is like a milkshake. Milk, sugar, ice-cream, fruit, and/or other ingredients that vary by family recipe, are all plopped into a blender. A button is pushed and the ingredients are mixed to form a flavorful concoction. With each bite, you don't specifically taste the sugar, milk, ice-cream, etc. You know that each is included, but you're only tasting the "blended" effect of everything together. You're now consuming one product, a milkshake, instead of multiple ingredients.

Stepfamilies are formed differently. Once the two families merge together, each one maintains it's own identity. In time, the two families learn to complement each other and work together to function as one family - a stepfamily. In fact, the stepfamily even expands across two households when both biological parents have joint custody. In no way do the two mix together to become one new whole.

In my opinion, a stepfamily is like a quilt. It is made up of many different colors and styles of small patches. Yet, when the patches are laid next to each other in certain ways, it is undeniably beautiful. Some sections may be green. Some may be pink. Some sections are solid. Some have patterns. Some of the patterns are flowered, whereas some may be speckled with other prints. Each section maintains its own style. The solids never become patterns. The patterns never become solid. The pinks never turn into green. The greens never change into pink. Each section always looks different. The sections do not “blend” into each other or change, although they may fade as time passes. So is the way of a stepfamily. Each member is unique and special. When viewed individually, it may first seem that they are too different to work together and function as a unit. Yet, just as each section of a quilt is arranged in a particular way in order to create one functional piece - a quilt, each person takes the time to figure out his or her own place within the bigger family, the new stepfamily. Hence, just as small patches of fabric come together to function as one beautiful quilt, two families unite together to form one functional stepfamily.

Of course, quilts are not created overnight, unless you are an expert quilt-maker like my friend Deborah Torrance-Robinson. She can knock out a beautiful quilt from scratch in less than a day. However, people of average-to-low skill level spend a long time learning how to make a quilt, yet alone complete a beautiful functional piece. Picking out the fabric is the easiest part, although that in itself could take hours or months, depending on the person and what they find available. Then there is the matting that goes between the fabric, a special way of cutting, measuring, sewing, and much more. Deciding how each patch of fabric should be placed next to the others takes a special eye. Although any two patches of fabric can be sewn together, not all combinations will seem to fit appropriately. It depends on the colors and styles of each individual patch. With practice, and sometimes guidance, a quilt-maker learns how to arrange the different fabrics in order to make it pleasing to the eye, as well as functional.

In the same manner, each member of a stepfamily needs to take his/her time to figure out how he/she will fit into the new stepfamily. This could mean a physical arrangement of the bedroom, preferred names or nicknames (mom/dad vs 1st name), or order of birthright (the youngest may suddenly have a younger sibling) to name a few. The details of these types of issues vary per family and situation. Yet, in all circumstances, it takes a little time to figure out what is comfortable for each family member. Once each figures out his/her place within the family, and each member accepts the placement of each other family member, the stepfamily unit is complete and functional. Just like a quilt.

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892