Can he change? Will it always be this way? Why doesn't she just stop? He's too old to change. It's a "man" thing. It's a "girl" thing. All men (women) are this way, so she (he) just needs to get used to it. We've all heard or said these allegories and have wondered if they relate to specific behaviors or habits. The AWAIT system of change is a guide to changing yourself or another person.
Each of us needs to accept our partner for who they are and not expect them to change. Yet, change is inevitable. Sometimes, it can do wonders for strengthening a relationship. This is particularly true if a bad habit changes into a good one or if the change is something that will ease stress in the household and make your partner happy.
The following is a few things to remember. Each of us can only be responsible for ourselves. We cannot control another person’s words or behaviors. We can only hope we have influence on them. Most importantly, modification takes time. Hence, "wait" is ingrained in the process. Be patient with yourself and others. Forgive yourself if you fall short of your hopes and try again the next day. If your partner is trying to make a change, be supportive. Point out even small accomplishments. Encourage yourself or your partner to persist and not give up, assuring the possibility of success. Envision what you will look and feel like after you've achieved your goal. Keeping a journal of your daily process will improve the likelihood of your success.
AWAIT is the acronym that coincides with the 5-step process.
• 1) Awareness of the benefits
Don't just list the benefits. Create a picture in your mind and write it down. Feel the new you. Think of it regularly - daily if possible. Awareness not only gives a person reasons to change, but also the motivation to make the effort. It is vital to continue Steps 2 through 5.
• 2) Willingness to exert the effort
Many people want to change their partner even though their partner is perfectly content being status quo. Regardless of the vision created in Step 1, some people are simply not willing to work toward changing anything. A few possible reasons could be the following: too much stress already, benefits of not changing outweighs the benefits of changing, or less than optimal timing. People need to be willing to make the effort and choose a technique.
• 3) Action Plan formulated
You know the benefits and have chosen to work to achieve them. Unless you figure out what you are going to do differently and how, human nature warrants that you will instinctively do the same thing you've always done. The best action plan for you depends on your personality and resources. Start with educating yourself on how others have succeeded. Search the internet, library, and local agencies. Self-help material is everywhere. So are mentors and professional coaches. Replace the undesirable behavior with a desirable one. An Action Plan makes the rest of the approach easier; it is your blueprint for achievement and provides a focal point. "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got" (anonymous).
• 4) Implementation of your Action Plan
It takes 21 consecutive days of doing the same thing to form a new habit. However, very few people can change a long-term habit overnight. Hence, I recommend trying each action plan in 40-day increments. This gives you a few days to adjust to the new lifestyle. Changing anything takes effort. The longer something has been a part of us, the more challenging it is to replace it. Implementation is the most essential step of the all. Without it, failure is imminent.
• 5) Tracking your progress
Writing in a journal daily will significantly increase your likelihood for success. Preferably, write before you lay down to sleep. Mention what day of the plan you're on. Did you succeed? If not, why? If so, congratulate yourself and choose to do the same thing the following day. Remember it takes 21 consecutive days to form a new habit. Every day is a new opportunity to thrive. This journal is only for you and doesn't need to be shared. Therefore, be honest and don't hold back. At the end of your 40th day, reward yourself for all your hard work.
Occasionally, a person does not reach their desired results. In this case, ask yourself how close you came. Maybe you simply need more time and should try the same Action Plan for another forty days. Maybe part of the action plan conflicted with a static personality trait or routine agenda items. In this case, alter or redevelop the action plan while taking these things into consideration. Repeat steps 4 and 5.
This system can be used by people of any age, gender, or culture. Some physiological or medical conditions could require further actions not addressed or implied herein. The AWAIT system is designed to alter typical habits or behaviors. Please consult a professional if you want to modify patterns associated with addictions or psychological disorders.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today’s Families
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label acceptance. Show all posts
Monday, September 13, 2010
Friday, March 27, 2009
Tele-class on improving relations as a stepparent was a success
Thank you to all who attended Thursday night's tele-class. Susan Epstein of Parenting Powers asked some great questions and contributed a stepfamily story of her own.
Below are a few of the things I talked about:
1) How fairy tales, books, and movies inaccuracy depict step families (AKA blended families).
They either portray the stepfamily as one in which they overcome many problems and then live "happily ever after"; Or the step parent, and sometimes step siblings, are "evil". In this scenario, the stepfamily member usually ends up leaving the family by the end of the story, or she/he gets offed. And that is considered a GOOD thing!
These portrayals of stepfamilies are profoundly offbase to say the least. Unfortunately, they contribute to the confusion and misconceptions that pervade our society. In fact, many children fear getting a stepmom because they hold on to this fallacious notion that she will be mean. Furthermore, many women who become stepmothers are ALSO intensely concerned about having the title of "stepmother". They detest the title so much that they go above and beyond the usual motherly acts with the hope and expectation of overcoming this wicked stereotype.
In reality, the vast majority of step parents have only good intentions. They make sincere efforts to do the right thing. However, their words and deeds do not elicit the result they expect, even though the exact same words and deeds would only have a positive result in a first-time biological family. The main reason for this difference is that first-time families are borne out of happiness and bliss, whereas step families are borne out of the many unfavorable emotions related to divorce.
I mentioned a few emotions that children often feel after the divorce, and how these emotions are manifested through ill-manners and misbehaviors. I also mentioned a few things step parents can do about these situations to possibly minimize the effect.
2) The terms "stepfamily" and "blended family" are synonymous, but I prefer the former term.
A copy of my published article, "Blended Family? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts" was on-hand for all attendees.
3) Stepparents should NOT take anything personal. Nothing the kids say is about you.
Each person in the family is mourning the loss of the original family. Parents stop mourning this loss a lot sooner than children. They fall in love with another person and get married. Instead of having a honeymoon phase like in their first marriage, they have an instant family to manage. Children have usually not fallen in love with the step parent when the family unites into 1 house as a step (blended) family. This adversely affects their opinion of the stepparent, as well as everything the stepparent does. Even if the child says he/she hates you or disobeys you, remember that it is NOT ABOUT YOU. The child is really expressing how he feels about his/her new environment and family. Still, this is about the loss of the original family. It has nothing to do with the addition of a new person into the family as much as it is to do with NOT having the other parent around.
4) Respect the past family history and differences of personalities or habits.
It is human nature to reject what we don't understand, which is usually anything different than ourselves. Other people and families do things very different than what we do. When one family marries another, 2 diverse groups of habits and personalities are coming together. Some of the things each one does may conflict or interfere with the ways of the other family. This is one source of contention and arguments between siblings. In first-time biological families, the family members have already developed ways of resolving the conflict, as they've had many years together to learn how to deal with the other family members. They reach the point of accepting these differences as natural. However, dissimilar attitudes and behaviors of stepfamily members are considered weird or deviant. I discuss this a little more in detail in my published article, "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"
Think of creative ways to resolve conflicting family habits. Both Susan and myself shared a short story from our own experiences.
5) Creating memories and taking advantage of bonding moments are extremely important.
Stepfamilies lack previous history and memories as a "family". This means that step parents have to patiently listen to their step children talk about their "family" memories with both biological parents, which does not include the step parent. It takes time for the step parent to create new memories with him/her included as part of the new family. Therefore, vacations to new places and having a weekly or bi-monthly family night is recommended. I also recommend you take pictures in order to capture the fond moments and reminisce about them later. Place the pictures on the wall or mantle, which will help to establish a healthy family environment of good memories.
Eating meals as a family is a superb way of becoming a more cohesive stepfamily. It is a time to get to know the new family members, build rapport, and bond as a family. I highly recommend eating together as a family - both biological and stepfamily members. If this cannot be done daily, a good-faith effort should be made to do it as often as possible, even if only once or twice per week. Connie Fitzmartin has some great suggestions for making mealtime fun in her book, Magical Meals Manual. It is worth the time to check out. You'll be glad you did.
Below are a few of the things I talked about:
1) How fairy tales, books, and movies inaccuracy depict step families (AKA blended families).
They either portray the stepfamily as one in which they overcome many problems and then live "happily ever after"; Or the step parent, and sometimes step siblings, are "evil". In this scenario, the stepfamily member usually ends up leaving the family by the end of the story, or she/he gets offed. And that is considered a GOOD thing!
These portrayals of stepfamilies are profoundly offbase to say the least. Unfortunately, they contribute to the confusion and misconceptions that pervade our society. In fact, many children fear getting a stepmom because they hold on to this fallacious notion that she will be mean. Furthermore, many women who become stepmothers are ALSO intensely concerned about having the title of "stepmother". They detest the title so much that they go above and beyond the usual motherly acts with the hope and expectation of overcoming this wicked stereotype.
In reality, the vast majority of step parents have only good intentions. They make sincere efforts to do the right thing. However, their words and deeds do not elicit the result they expect, even though the exact same words and deeds would only have a positive result in a first-time biological family. The main reason for this difference is that first-time families are borne out of happiness and bliss, whereas step families are borne out of the many unfavorable emotions related to divorce.
I mentioned a few emotions that children often feel after the divorce, and how these emotions are manifested through ill-manners and misbehaviors. I also mentioned a few things step parents can do about these situations to possibly minimize the effect.
2) The terms "stepfamily" and "blended family" are synonymous, but I prefer the former term.
A copy of my published article, "Blended Family? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts" was on-hand for all attendees.
3) Stepparents should NOT take anything personal. Nothing the kids say is about you.
Each person in the family is mourning the loss of the original family. Parents stop mourning this loss a lot sooner than children. They fall in love with another person and get married. Instead of having a honeymoon phase like in their first marriage, they have an instant family to manage. Children have usually not fallen in love with the step parent when the family unites into 1 house as a step (blended) family. This adversely affects their opinion of the stepparent, as well as everything the stepparent does. Even if the child says he/she hates you or disobeys you, remember that it is NOT ABOUT YOU. The child is really expressing how he feels about his/her new environment and family. Still, this is about the loss of the original family. It has nothing to do with the addition of a new person into the family as much as it is to do with NOT having the other parent around.
4) Respect the past family history and differences of personalities or habits.
It is human nature to reject what we don't understand, which is usually anything different than ourselves. Other people and families do things very different than what we do. When one family marries another, 2 diverse groups of habits and personalities are coming together. Some of the things each one does may conflict or interfere with the ways of the other family. This is one source of contention and arguments between siblings. In first-time biological families, the family members have already developed ways of resolving the conflict, as they've had many years together to learn how to deal with the other family members. They reach the point of accepting these differences as natural. However, dissimilar attitudes and behaviors of stepfamily members are considered weird or deviant. I discuss this a little more in detail in my published article, "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"
Think of creative ways to resolve conflicting family habits. Both Susan and myself shared a short story from our own experiences.
5) Creating memories and taking advantage of bonding moments are extremely important.
Stepfamilies lack previous history and memories as a "family". This means that step parents have to patiently listen to their step children talk about their "family" memories with both biological parents, which does not include the step parent. It takes time for the step parent to create new memories with him/her included as part of the new family. Therefore, vacations to new places and having a weekly or bi-monthly family night is recommended. I also recommend you take pictures in order to capture the fond moments and reminisce about them later. Place the pictures on the wall or mantle, which will help to establish a healthy family environment of good memories.
Eating meals as a family is a superb way of becoming a more cohesive stepfamily. It is a time to get to know the new family members, build rapport, and bond as a family. I highly recommend eating together as a family - both biological and stepfamily members. If this cannot be done daily, a good-faith effort should be made to do it as often as possible, even if only once or twice per week. Connie Fitzmartin has some great suggestions for making mealtime fun in her book, Magical Meals Manual. It is worth the time to check out. You'll be glad you did.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step and adopted families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892
Friday, December 19, 2008
Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?
Remember the movie, The Outsiders? It's about 2 teen-age rival gangs, The Greasers and The Socials. The story is told from the viewpoint of The Greasers. There are about a dozen Greasers who are all friends with each other. Yet, they are considered to be outsiders of the community, particularly The Socials. Each gang dress and act different than the other. Within each gang, everybody is an insider; but to everybody else they are an outsider.
We can all relate to these categories as we've had similar categorized groups in high school. In my high school, there were the yuppies (preppies), nerds (smart computer geeks), jocks and cheerleaders, skaters, and stoners. Each of these groups were outsiders to all other groups. Yet, within each of the groups, everybody was an insider. Insiders share stories and secrets with each other. Their comfort level is so high that they can just be themselves. Regardless of what they say or how they act, they are accepted. If they do something wrong, the other insiders easily find it in their hearts to forgive and be "buds" again. Although there is some interaction between people of different groups, it is minimal. The interaction usually doesn't progress to a "friendship". Hence, they remain outsiders to each other.
Every once in awhile, a person from one group will befriend somebody in another group. When that happens, the friendship is kept secret for a long time because each person knows the other will probably not be accepted into their circle of friends. These 2 people become insiders to each other, and their respective group, but remain outsiders to the other person's group. Eventually, one or both may be included and possibly accepted as an insider to their respective group. If so, it usually does not go smoothly. It is a rough transition wrought with arguments and stress over a long period of time first. This is an example of human nature and is similar to what happens when a stepfamily forms.
Two adults meet and form a relationship. They interact with each other's children. Everybody gets along fine. There is seemingly no problems. When they think the time is right, they decide to move in together and join families. Suddenly, problems arise out of nowhere. There is an underlying thought in the air of how this could happen when everybody got along fine before moving in together. The answer is simple: They haven't transformed from an outsider to an insider yet.
It takes a long time for the step parent to transcend into being an insider. He/she has not shared in past family traditions, vacations, and memories. There is evidence in every aspect of life from the foods eaten at meal time, family photos around the house or in albums, and the lack of insider knowledge of the significance of family momentos and memoirs. This feeling of the step parent being an outsider is felt by both the step parent and step children. Ironically, the biological parent often doesn't sense it.
Inherent to being an outsider, there is a lack of understanding of why people on the inside do or say certain things. This is simply due to the fact that he/she wasn't around when the things were said or done for the first time. Furthermore, things are done very differently in his/her past family. Hence, the family insiders also don't understand why the step parent says or does certain things. Because they are all human, they have a tendency to not accept that which is different. When things go wrong, blame is often automatically applied to the outsider. The step parent sometimes attributes blame to the step kids, whereas the step kids attribute blame to the step parent. It's not easy for somebody to forgive an outsider. Again, this partly stems from lack of understanding and acceptance; but, it is also due to the nature of each person being an outsider to the other.
Learning to accept that which is different takes a lot of time and effort. Sometimes it also takes a third party (a different outsider) to help bridge the learning curve of gaining acceptance. Once genuine acceptance for each (step) family member is achieved, there is a foundation for the step parent to start becoming an insider.
Please keep this in mind within your stepfamily. If some family members are not getting along with each other, it is probably because they still feel like an outsider to the other. Becoming an insider does not happen over night. Not only does it take a long time, but a lot of effort too. Genuine acceptance of the outsider's behaviors and things he/she says is the first step into becoming an insider. It sets the foundation upon which all other aspects of a healthy functional stepfamily can be built.
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
We can all relate to these categories as we've had similar categorized groups in high school. In my high school, there were the yuppies (preppies), nerds (smart computer geeks), jocks and cheerleaders, skaters, and stoners. Each of these groups were outsiders to all other groups. Yet, within each of the groups, everybody was an insider. Insiders share stories and secrets with each other. Their comfort level is so high that they can just be themselves. Regardless of what they say or how they act, they are accepted. If they do something wrong, the other insiders easily find it in their hearts to forgive and be "buds" again. Although there is some interaction between people of different groups, it is minimal. The interaction usually doesn't progress to a "friendship". Hence, they remain outsiders to each other.
Every once in awhile, a person from one group will befriend somebody in another group. When that happens, the friendship is kept secret for a long time because each person knows the other will probably not be accepted into their circle of friends. These 2 people become insiders to each other, and their respective group, but remain outsiders to the other person's group. Eventually, one or both may be included and possibly accepted as an insider to their respective group. If so, it usually does not go smoothly. It is a rough transition wrought with arguments and stress over a long period of time first. This is an example of human nature and is similar to what happens when a stepfamily forms.
Two adults meet and form a relationship. They interact with each other's children. Everybody gets along fine. There is seemingly no problems. When they think the time is right, they decide to move in together and join families. Suddenly, problems arise out of nowhere. There is an underlying thought in the air of how this could happen when everybody got along fine before moving in together. The answer is simple: They haven't transformed from an outsider to an insider yet.
It takes a long time for the step parent to transcend into being an insider. He/she has not shared in past family traditions, vacations, and memories. There is evidence in every aspect of life from the foods eaten at meal time, family photos around the house or in albums, and the lack of insider knowledge of the significance of family momentos and memoirs. This feeling of the step parent being an outsider is felt by both the step parent and step children. Ironically, the biological parent often doesn't sense it.
Inherent to being an outsider, there is a lack of understanding of why people on the inside do or say certain things. This is simply due to the fact that he/she wasn't around when the things were said or done for the first time. Furthermore, things are done very differently in his/her past family. Hence, the family insiders also don't understand why the step parent says or does certain things. Because they are all human, they have a tendency to not accept that which is different. When things go wrong, blame is often automatically applied to the outsider. The step parent sometimes attributes blame to the step kids, whereas the step kids attribute blame to the step parent. It's not easy for somebody to forgive an outsider. Again, this partly stems from lack of understanding and acceptance; but, it is also due to the nature of each person being an outsider to the other.
Learning to accept that which is different takes a lot of time and effort. Sometimes it also takes a third party (a different outsider) to help bridge the learning curve of gaining acceptance. Once genuine acceptance for each (step) family member is achieved, there is a foundation for the step parent to start becoming an insider.
Please keep this in mind within your stepfamily. If some family members are not getting along with each other, it is probably because they still feel like an outsider to the other. Becoming an insider does not happen over night. Not only does it take a long time, but a lot of effort too. Genuine acceptance of the outsider's behaviors and things he/she says is the first step into becoming an insider. It sets the foundation upon which all other aspects of a healthy functional stepfamily can be built.
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
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