Creating TEAM in StepCouples: Highlight to Interview on StepMom's Toolbox

After only a couple days, my interview was #3 in the ranks of 765 within its category. The biggest honor, truly, is simply being a guest on the show. I know that sounds cliché, but there have been so many respected knowledgeable experts and authors before me. Last month was the 3 Year Anniversary of The Stepmom’s Toolbox Blogtalk Radio Show. Peggy Nolan, the Executive Director and main host, obviously knows what she’s doing. To her credit, she has 2 great co-hosts, Teresa Thompson and Erin Erickson, who share in the interviewing. They all have personal experience in the trenches of daily stepfamily life. They offer valuable insights, as well as broaden the scope of every topic brought to the table.

Their show is live every Monday from 8:00 to 9:00 PM EST. But if you can’t make it, show up any time to listen to shows in their archives. Even better, download episodes to share with others. Each show has valuable content, insight, and advice. They target stepmoms primarily and secondarily others in or around a stepfamily. The educational value is there for the taking, even for somebody who hasn’t experienced stress in a stepfamily. A few of my favorite guests are Mary-Kelly Williams, Donna Ferber, and Erin interviewing her stepkids, as well as Gloria Lintermans talking about her book The Secrets to Stepfamily Success. Also, I’m anxious to hear Sheila Dean on Monday talk about How to Date Your Mate when in a stepfamily.

Now, the replay of my interview, Creating TEAM in StepCouples, has been added to my list of favorite Stepmom’s Toolbox archives. To make it more special, my sister shared with me that she had an “Aha!” moment while listening to me discuss how bio-parents can mistakenly keep the stepparent powerless. She now recognizes how she maintained the power differential in her previous marriage without realizing it. If you missed it, I wrote up a few highlights below. You’ll have to tune in, though, for the real-life examples I gave of a stepfamily.

Teamwork is the biggest ally between co-parents. Teamwork is Power, because it strengthens boundaries. It is a tool that builds unity and prevents it from breaking down. It is an assistant in building rapport between the stepparents and stepchildren. The stronger the (co-parent) team, the more cohesive the stepfamily, the less misbehavior by the children, the higher likelihood of staying together.

Teamwork is more important in a stepfamily than first family. Every relationship and family has challenges and disagreements, but many stay together in spite of them. Those same challenges and disagreements cause heightened conflict in stepfamilies. Why is there a difference? In a first family, parents have equal and automatic power and influence. They have equal advantages: history, biological bond, and unconditional love. Regardless of arguments or problems, these 3 things never change. Each family member adapts to the others’ nuances from the day each kid is born. In a stepfamily, the stepparents are essentially strangers to their stepchildren. History has to be learned through 2nd-hand stories and pictures. Memories – good times - have to be created. Love is conditional. Respect comes first. Love may or may not happen. If it does, it’s after a lot of time has passed and after the stepparent has proven herself. Teamwork is a shortcut to creating memories and building respect.

Dad has equal responsibility in building a TEAM with his partner, the kids’ StepMom. He should tell his kids that he respects her decisions and expects them to listen to her. He needs to follow-up his words through his actions. If he disagrees with a direction she gives his son, he should make sure his son obeys, but talk to her about it in private later. If Dad doesn’t back her, he breaks down the team and hinders her ability to gain rapport with his children.

When StepMom has been accepted emotionally as a maternal figure, she can take more initiative in making rules on the spot and creating new punishments. Once she is accepted, she has direct influence, so going through Dad is less important. StepMoms, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Has your partner ever outwardly disagreed with you in front of the kids?
2. Has he ever not supported an independent decision you made? This is usually by doing something contradictory to your decision.
3. Has he not backed you on ALL parenting (rules and consequences)?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, your partner is not being a team player. Acquiesce to his parenting style, even if you disagree with it, but talk to him privately. The worst thing you can do is introduce new rules or ways of doing something. This may not be what you want to hear, but it will give you the least amount of stress. If your stepchild rejects your directive, your partner probably will too. Since he hasn’t always backed you, he probably still won’t, yet again undermining your authority and keeping you powerless. Influence your partner to change through private conversations with him. If he refuses to stop, continue to follow his parenting style and intermittently talk to him.

When you take hubby aside to talk personally, ideally it should be in a place where you’re sure not to be disturbed and the kids won’t overhear. I recommend framing the conversation in the context of how stepfamilies are different than first families and requires different tactics. Point to the myriad of research and resources that has documented the differences. Most of the resources are new within the last few years, but the first research dates back a couple decades. Explain a little about what you’ve learned and ask for his help in adapting to your new stepfamily. Phrasing your conversation with these 2 things in mind should hopefully keep him off the defensive and make him more receptive to changing.

What if Dad doesn’t change? What if he refuses to adapt to stepfamily life? Maybe he doesn’t understand that stepfamilies require doing things differently. Even if he says he understands, he may not *get* it. There is no magic wand you can wave over his head to make him get it. There are no magic words. We can’t place a spell on him. Continue to point him to the research, which documents the factual differences, along with the reasons, by many experts. My favorite book is The Secrets to Stepfamily Success by Gloria Lintermans. I’m also a fan of National Stepfamily Resource Center, and of course, The Stepfamily Foundation. If he still refuses to change, you are powerless. As a stepparent, the extent of your power goes only to the extent that the BioParent gives you.

The bottom line is that change happens when a stepfamily forms. Ideally, both adults should work together in managing the changes (adapting) in a way that is a win-win for everybody. If 1 person is trying to adapt and the other is steadfastly trying to hold onto a method that isn’t working, the couple is going to have relationship issues. The sad truth is that not everybody who should change does. And not everybody who we try to change need to change. Either way, sometimes we work ourselves into a frenzy trying to get somebody else to change a habit, behavior, or way of doing something. That’s the case in all types of relationships - not just stepfamilies. So to relieve a little stress of my clients, as well as myself in trying to help them, I came up with an easy way for people to keep ourselves in check – to not overwork ourselves in trying to change somebody who won’t change, yet also determine if the person will change. It’s the AWAIT system of change…- A – W – A – I - T. Awareness – Willingness – Action Plan – Implementation – Tracking. Whether they’re aware of it or not, everybody who decides to change a habit, behavior, or way of doing something, go through each of these steps. If we want somebody, like our partner, to change something, like his parenting style, we need to engage him in a conversation to see if he is:
• A – Aware of the benefits of making the change
• W – Willing to go through the process of making the change
• A – Acts by making a plan
• I – Implements his action plan
• T – tracks his progress. Tracking is the only step that is not absolutely necessary, but significantly increases the likelihood of success.
You can read more about my AWAIT system of change here.

Teamwork seems to be obvious and not disputed. Yet, it is frequently mentioned in stepfamily relationships. For one reason, adult children of broken homes and many others have never learned how to have a healthy relationship. Secondly, there are far more misunderstandings, miscommunications, and hurt feelings in stepfamilies. Thirdly, most families have very busy lives. Stress is constant: work, traffic, dealing with Customer Service Rep of XYZ Company about a wrong charge, and maintaining the household (scheduling kids’ activities and transportation, budgeting, parenting, and working on your relationship). It’s easy to get off track. We all need to practice teamwork and hope it will eventually become second nature.

The extent of a StepMom’s power is the extent to what the BioDad gives her. He has to respect her in order for the kids to respect her. He has to allow her to be parental toward his kids. If he doesn’t want it, his influence will negate her power. His kids will do as he does. If he undermines her authority, so will the kids. If he thinks she’s being too strict, the kids are going to work that to their advantage.

The imbalance of power is a more potent issue with a childless stepmom. When both adults have children, the power is equal with respect to their own children. Childless StepMoms, however, don’t have equal advantages: a past history, blood bond, and unconditional love. Moms who share homes with Dads always carry the role of Mom. Regardless of the other sources of stressors and dissention, she will never lose that title as part of her identity. A childless stepmom could easily lose her sense of identity because she doesn’t have a defined role within the house. Everybody is expecting her to behave a certain way or do certain things, often without telling her. They probably think she already knows. On top of that, their expectations often conflict with everybody else’s. Therefore, it is even more important for a childless StepMom to have an external support system and identity aside from the home. This could be co-workers, a support group, a woman’s group, or a church group to name a few. On-line groups, especially in Facebook, are very popular. Otherwise, a childless stepmom has the potential of feeling isolated and alone, which can lead to an emotionally unhealthy environment.

As usual, I welcome comments and questions.

Separation is the first phase of a Step Family

A step family would not exist if a family did not break up. A family - not just the parents - gets divorced. Yet, it is the parents who decide to form a new family. They step into a new family.

Everybody desires to be wanted. Some people need to be needed, while others want to be needed. Let's face it. People want people. We want to be social. We want to have friends and have fun - to live before we die. This is more prominent after a break-up because people feel a part of them has been lost, or is missing. Specifically, adults crave companionship. Companionship with a close friend does not feel the same as intimate companionship. That drives people to try their hand at another relationship, sometimes through the five phases until a step family is formed.

This phase is very important to the health of a step family. It is a step family in formation. Healing your wounds after a separation - forgiving your ex and releasing resentment - is one of the most important things you can do. How you handle the move-out phase is a part of this. Are you the type of person who is going to share all the belongings so each of you gets half of everything? Are you going to insist you and your partner only take what she/he brought into the household? Or are you going to fight for everything and leave her/him with as little as possible? If you identify mostly with the latter question, then you have resentment issues.

Acting vindictive is not going to help your situation. It certainly won't set you up to co-parent effectively. The entire divorce proceedings is a preliminary process to co-parenting. These two items go hand in hand. If your divorce proceedings go smoothly, there is a much higher likelihood that co-parenting will be effective. Even if your divorce is volatile, peaceful co-parenting is possible.

Co-parenting is something you'll have to do for remainder of your children's life. The better you co-parent, the more emotionally healthy your children will be. It will teach them valuable lessons in how to interact with other people, even somebody who has differences. Your children will have higher self-esteem, be happier, have a more optimistic outlook, and have more friendships. There is a much higher likelihood they will be more well-adapted and flexible.

For more articles on co-parenting or separation/divorce, click on the links below:
Blended Family? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts
Susan Epstein, Parenting Coach
Peaceful Divorce


Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Forgiveness is repetitive not solitary

Forgiveness is a must for anybody to have a healthy spirit. It is not a one-time action. It is repetitive. It should be sincere and come from the heart. It is a must in a healthy stepfamily.

Each member of a stepfamily needs to forgive. Parents would benefit by forgiving their ex-spouses, their childrens' other parent. This will make a huge impact on the emotional health of your children. If you feel negative emotions toward your ex, it could affect your ability to effectively co-parent. Even if you try guarding against it, it is likely that your true feelings will be reflected in your words or mannerisms when speaking about your children's other parent. Because children identify themselves as a part of both their parents, they are likely to internalize both positive and negative commentary. If you profess warm forgiving thoughts, your children will also learn how to be warm and forgiving.

Likewise, each of us need to forgive the other stepfamily members. Most people have good intentions; or at the least, they have neutral intentions. In other words, most people do not say or do things with the goal of annoying or manipulating another person. They just don't know the best way to say what's on their mind or handle various situations. People can't read minds and are generally unaware of other's emotional aura. Everybody is human and doing the best they can to handle daily stress. Forgiveness should be given to spouses, step/siblings, step/parents, and step/children.

I wish I could say it would be enough to just do this today - now. However, we are all human. Humans are fallible by nature. Hence, as much as we try to do the right thing, we will screw up again. Hence, we each need to be ready to forgive again, and again, and again.

Sincerity is a necessary element of forgiveness. Apologies without sincerity lacks the intention of avoiding the same mistake in the future. Recipients of apologies that are perceived to be insincere may feel gullible. If this is the case, it is imperative to keep in mind that forgiveness has the most profound effect on yourself - the forgiver. Fostering good interpersonal relationships is secondary. This topic will be discussed further in a different post.


Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892