After only a couple days, my interview was #3 in the ranks of 765 within its category. The biggest honor, truly, is simply being a guest on the show. I know that sounds cliché, but there have been so many respected knowledgeable experts and authors before me. Last month was the 3 Year Anniversary of The Stepmom’s Toolbox Blogtalk Radio Show. Peggy Nolan, the Executive Director and main host, obviously knows what she’s doing. To her credit, she has 2 great co-hosts, Teresa Thompson and Erin Erickson, who share in the interviewing. They all have personal experience in the trenches of daily stepfamily life. They offer valuable insights, as well as broaden the scope of every topic brought to the table.
Their show is live every Monday from 8:00 to 9:00 PM EST. But if you can’t make it, show up any time to listen to shows in their archives. Even better, download episodes to share with others. Each show has valuable content, insight, and advice. They target stepmoms primarily and secondarily others in or around a stepfamily. The educational value is there for the taking, even for somebody who hasn’t experienced stress in a stepfamily. A few of my favorite guests are Mary-Kelly Williams, Donna Ferber, and Erin interviewing her stepkids, as well as Gloria Lintermans talking about her book The Secrets to Stepfamily Success. Also, I’m anxious to hear Sheila Dean on Monday talk about How to Date Your Mate when in a stepfamily.
Now, the replay of my interview, Creating TEAM in StepCouples, has been added to my list of favorite Stepmom’s Toolbox archives. To make it more special, my sister shared with me that she had an “Aha!” moment while listening to me discuss how bio-parents can mistakenly keep the stepparent powerless. She now recognizes how she maintained the power differential in her previous marriage without realizing it. If you missed it, I wrote up a few highlights below. You’ll have to tune in, though, for the real-life examples I gave of a stepfamily.
Teamwork is the biggest ally between co-parents. Teamwork is Power, because it strengthens boundaries. It is a tool that builds unity and prevents it from breaking down. It is an assistant in building rapport between the stepparents and stepchildren. The stronger the (co-parent) team, the more cohesive the stepfamily, the less misbehavior by the children, the higher likelihood of staying together.
Teamwork is more important in a stepfamily than first family. Every relationship and family has challenges and disagreements, but many stay together in spite of them. Those same challenges and disagreements cause heightened conflict in stepfamilies. Why is there a difference? In a first family, parents have equal and automatic power and influence. They have equal advantages: history, biological bond, and unconditional love. Regardless of arguments or problems, these 3 things never change. Each family member adapts to the others’ nuances from the day each kid is born. In a stepfamily, the stepparents are essentially strangers to their stepchildren. History has to be learned through 2nd-hand stories and pictures. Memories – good times - have to be created. Love is conditional. Respect comes first. Love may or may not happen. If it does, it’s after a lot of time has passed and after the stepparent has proven herself. Teamwork is a shortcut to creating memories and building respect.
Dad has equal responsibility in building a TEAM with his partner, the kids’ StepMom. He should tell his kids that he respects her decisions and expects them to listen to her. He needs to follow-up his words through his actions. If he disagrees with a direction she gives his son, he should make sure his son obeys, but talk to her about it in private later. If Dad doesn’t back her, he breaks down the team and hinders her ability to gain rapport with his children.
When StepMom has been accepted emotionally as a maternal figure, she can take more initiative in making rules on the spot and creating new punishments. Once she is accepted, she has direct influence, so going through Dad is less important. StepMoms, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Has your partner ever outwardly disagreed with you in front of the kids?
2. Has he ever not supported an independent decision you made? This is usually by doing something contradictory to your decision.
3. Has he not backed you on ALL parenting (rules and consequences)?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, your partner is not being a team player. Acquiesce to his parenting style, even if you disagree with it, but talk to him privately. The worst thing you can do is introduce new rules or ways of doing something. This may not be what you want to hear, but it will give you the least amount of stress. If your stepchild rejects your directive, your partner probably will too. Since he hasn’t always backed you, he probably still won’t, yet again undermining your authority and keeping you powerless. Influence your partner to change through private conversations with him. If he refuses to stop, continue to follow his parenting style and intermittently talk to him.
When you take hubby aside to talk personally, ideally it should be in a place where you’re sure not to be disturbed and the kids won’t overhear. I recommend framing the conversation in the context of how stepfamilies are different than first families and requires different tactics. Point to the myriad of research and resources that has documented the differences. Most of the resources are new within the last few years, but the first research dates back a couple decades. Explain a little about what you’ve learned and ask for his help in adapting to your new stepfamily. Phrasing your conversation with these 2 things in mind should hopefully keep him off the defensive and make him more receptive to changing.
What if Dad doesn’t change? What if he refuses to adapt to stepfamily life? Maybe he doesn’t understand that stepfamilies require doing things differently. Even if he says he understands, he may not *get* it. There is no magic wand you can wave over his head to make him get it. There are no magic words. We can’t place a spell on him. Continue to point him to the research, which documents the factual differences, along with the reasons, by many experts. My favorite book is The Secrets to Stepfamily Success by Gloria Lintermans. I’m also a fan of National Stepfamily Resource Center, and of course, The Stepfamily Foundation. If he still refuses to change, you are powerless. As a stepparent, the extent of your power goes only to the extent that the BioParent gives you.
The bottom line is that change happens when a stepfamily forms. Ideally, both adults should work together in managing the changes (adapting) in a way that is a win-win for everybody. If 1 person is trying to adapt and the other is steadfastly trying to hold onto a method that isn’t working, the couple is going to have relationship issues. The sad truth is that not everybody who should change does. And not everybody who we try to change need to change. Either way, sometimes we work ourselves into a frenzy trying to get somebody else to change a habit, behavior, or way of doing something. That’s the case in all types of relationships - not just stepfamilies. So to relieve a little stress of my clients, as well as myself in trying to help them, I came up with an easy way for people to keep ourselves in check – to not overwork ourselves in trying to change somebody who won’t change, yet also determine if the person will change. It’s the AWAIT system of change…- A – W – A – I - T. Awareness – Willingness – Action Plan – Implementation – Tracking. Whether they’re aware of it or not, everybody who decides to change a habit, behavior, or way of doing something, go through each of these steps. If we want somebody, like our partner, to change something, like his parenting style, we need to engage him in a conversation to see if he is:
• A – Aware of the benefits of making the change
• W – Willing to go through the process of making the change
• A – Acts by making a plan
• I – Implements his action plan
• T – tracks his progress. Tracking is the only step that is not absolutely necessary, but significantly increases the likelihood of success.
You can read more about my AWAIT system of change here.
Teamwork seems to be obvious and not disputed. Yet, it is frequently mentioned in stepfamily relationships. For one reason, adult children of broken homes and many others have never learned how to have a healthy relationship. Secondly, there are far more misunderstandings, miscommunications, and hurt feelings in stepfamilies. Thirdly, most families have very busy lives. Stress is constant: work, traffic, dealing with Customer Service Rep of XYZ Company about a wrong charge, and maintaining the household (scheduling kids’ activities and transportation, budgeting, parenting, and working on your relationship). It’s easy to get off track. We all need to practice teamwork and hope it will eventually become second nature.
The extent of a StepMom’s power is the extent to what the BioDad gives her. He has to respect her in order for the kids to respect her. He has to allow her to be parental toward his kids. If he doesn’t want it, his influence will negate her power. His kids will do as he does. If he undermines her authority, so will the kids. If he thinks she’s being too strict, the kids are going to work that to their advantage.
The imbalance of power is a more potent issue with a childless stepmom. When both adults have children, the power is equal with respect to their own children. Childless StepMoms, however, don’t have equal advantages: a past history, blood bond, and unconditional love. Moms who share homes with Dads always carry the role of Mom. Regardless of the other sources of stressors and dissention, she will never lose that title as part of her identity. A childless stepmom could easily lose her sense of identity because she doesn’t have a defined role within the house. Everybody is expecting her to behave a certain way or do certain things, often without telling her. They probably think she already knows. On top of that, their expectations often conflict with everybody else’s. Therefore, it is even more important for a childless StepMom to have an external support system and identity aside from the home. This could be co-workers, a support group, a woman’s group, or a church group to name a few. On-line groups, especially in Facebook, are very popular. Otherwise, a childless stepmom has the potential of feeling isolated and alone, which can lead to an emotionally unhealthy environment.
As usual, I welcome comments and questions.
Showing posts with label AWAIT to change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label AWAIT to change. Show all posts
Monday, May 16, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year's Resolutions
This is the time of year when people reflect on things they've accomplished or didn't. It is a time of evaluation and planning; a time of preparing to take action and change. The best way to do this is to be honest with yourself. We can't truly improve if we can't see the forest through the trees. Try to step back from your reflections and try to look at it from your partner's view. Or, instead of your partner, choose a person whom you respect and who portrays traits you would like to emulate. How would that person describe the circumstances you're evaluating and possibly want to change? You don't have to share your answer with anybody. Keep it to yourself, but be as honest as possible.
Look at both the positive and negative aspects - the big picture. Congratulate yourself for all of the positive. Reward yourself. Now, plan to change the negative. If it's a big list, don't try to change it all at once. Taking on too much change all at once, depending on what it is, could doom you to failure. At least, it may stack odds against your success. This is the best way, IMO, to choose New Year's Resolutions, because it increases your chances of achieving them.
The next best way to increase your odds of accomplishment is to have a solid action plan on how to resolve what you'd like to change. Many people often leave out this step and wonder why they weren't able to keep their resolutions. Some of those people spend excessive amount of time criticizing themselves for failure. This is unproductive. Spend some time working through the details of how you achieve your new year's resolution. Don't be shy about getting a buddy to work on the same goal or to ask for support from the people who are closest to you. Support and encouragement goes a long way in helping people, but it is often undermined.
One of my new year's resolutions is to work on balancing my mind, body, and spirit. My action plan includes specific times on when I will meditate, work, and do yoga. It includes the type of yoga, props, and an instructional video because I just started yoga a couple days ago. I already scheduled yoga classes to be recorded from the FitTV cable channel. This is one small example of how I plan to achieve my New Year's Resolution per my suggestion above. It is fairly simple instead of elaborate, but it is still specific. The next part of my plan is to implement this new regime for 40 days and track my progress daily.
This is part of a process I call AWAIT. It is an acronym for the following: Awareness, Willingness, Action plan, Implementation, and Tracking. You can read the full article here.
For other tips on choosing and keeping new year's resolutions, I recommend watching this short video of my friend, Coach Jenn Lee, who has had success helping many people. It is called How to keep a New Year's Resolution.
Good Luck! Feel free to keep me posted on your progress.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach,
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Look at both the positive and negative aspects - the big picture. Congratulate yourself for all of the positive. Reward yourself. Now, plan to change the negative. If it's a big list, don't try to change it all at once. Taking on too much change all at once, depending on what it is, could doom you to failure. At least, it may stack odds against your success. This is the best way, IMO, to choose New Year's Resolutions, because it increases your chances of achieving them.
The next best way to increase your odds of accomplishment is to have a solid action plan on how to resolve what you'd like to change. Many people often leave out this step and wonder why they weren't able to keep their resolutions. Some of those people spend excessive amount of time criticizing themselves for failure. This is unproductive. Spend some time working through the details of how you achieve your new year's resolution. Don't be shy about getting a buddy to work on the same goal or to ask for support from the people who are closest to you. Support and encouragement goes a long way in helping people, but it is often undermined.
One of my new year's resolutions is to work on balancing my mind, body, and spirit. My action plan includes specific times on when I will meditate, work, and do yoga. It includes the type of yoga, props, and an instructional video because I just started yoga a couple days ago. I already scheduled yoga classes to be recorded from the FitTV cable channel. This is one small example of how I plan to achieve my New Year's Resolution per my suggestion above. It is fairly simple instead of elaborate, but it is still specific. The next part of my plan is to implement this new regime for 40 days and track my progress daily.
This is part of a process I call AWAIT. It is an acronym for the following: Awareness, Willingness, Action plan, Implementation, and Tracking. You can read the full article here.
For other tips on choosing and keeping new year's resolutions, I recommend watching this short video of my friend, Coach Jenn Lee, who has had success helping many people. It is called How to keep a New Year's Resolution.
Good Luck! Feel free to keep me posted on your progress.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach,
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Friday, November 5, 2010
Hindsight 20/20
Hindsight 20/20: My Dysfunctional Stepfamily Experience. How about that for the title of my autobiography I’m writing? I think it fits. It’s not a definite – only a definite maybe.
Circumstances often look clear after the fact, but that isn’t always the case. In mine, it took years before I could look back at it with clarity. It feels good to understand what went wrong and why even though it hurts a little when I think of a few specific big harry messes. Yet, at the same time, those things are forgivable because none of us knew any better. Now, I know what I and my ex should have said and done to get a positive outcome. Most people don’t have that luxury when contemplating past relationships, particularly in stepfamilies.
I distinctly remember the first time I heard of “stepfamily awareness”. I happened across a website on stepfamily dynamics while researching family counseling. Through hyperlinks, I discovered The Stepfamily Association and The Stepfamily Foundation. I was shocked to say the least. Up to that point, I was in the dark. I had no clue there were so many common situations endemic to stepfamilies - tribulations that they don’t exist in nuclear (first) families. Page after page, I was amazed at how much sounded familiar at home. Moreover, there were organizations founded for the shear purpose of educating and helping people in stepfamilies. Wow!
The Stepfamily Foundation had been around since the 70’s! Why hadn’t I heard of it before? The short answer is that I never looked. I had no reason to. I had no reason to question how families work, for I had been in one all my life. My parents divorced as a child and both parents were involved with another. I remembered it vividly and thought I was prepared. I wasn’t expecting anything rosy. I knew there would be snags, but nobody can prepare you for actual stepfamily life unless they have also been in a stepfamily, as an adult. None of my friends or family had been where I was. I am not alone in this. I hear this over and over again from step parents – the shocking reality of being recoupled with children. I, like most people, went into expecting it to transform into a regular family with normal ups and downs. Explaining it to people in first families is moot. That’s why many step parents feel so alone. They no longer feel comfortable talking (venting mostly) to others. They are either misunderstood or criticized. They are sometimes judged for not being a good enough parent to the stepkids or trying to replace the bio parent. Both are unfair and unfounded.
The most challenging coaching I do is with clients who come to me after already being married or living together for 2 or more years. By this time, the tension at home is sometimes so thick it can be cut with a knife. Miscommunication, lack of understanding, unrealistic expectations, and subconscious assumptions cause people to say and do things that would be fine in a first family but cause harm in a stepfamily. Each person acts and reacts according to their own perspective, which is often not aligned with anybody else. Being unable to resolve issues, the hurt feelings multiply and intensify. Yelling becomes a common occurrence. So does disrespect and criticism.
The odds of a family in this dire situation staying together are against them. If this describes your stepfamily, I strongly advise you to seek a Stepfamily Professional. It can be reversed with the right tools. Unless the tools magically appear along with direction of how to use them, this family will continue acting and reacting based on hurt feelings. They will continue to do what they’ve always done and continue to get the same bad results. It is likely to spiral downward out of control.
That is a big part of what happened to us. [Granted, our issues extended far beyond step-related. Based on those, it is likely we would have broken up anyway. However, the many step issues exasperated the excess dysfunction. Handling the step dynamics better may have eased the adversity.] By the time I was enlightened to step differences, the worst of the damage was already done and spiraling out of control. The past could not be taken back. Some of it created scars in everybody. We had already been living together for about 2 years and had dated a year before that. At that time, I did not have the tools necessary to undo what was already done.
Ideally, for a stepfamily in this situation to get on track of healthy functionality, everybody (particularly the adults) should formulate a pact to make a fresh start – a do over. Forgive all past wrongs by everybody due to reason of inexperience. In this case, ignorance is an excuse. Most importantly, it is the only way to get past the bad and move forward in a positive healthy direction. It is easier said than done. In fact, it is the toughest. I usually have to address this within the first month of coaching clients who fit this scenario. I spend a little time explaining probable reasons for so-and-so’s actions, and corroborate it with the person when possible. I give suggestions on how to address it now and similar situations in the future. Then, I create 2 imaginary bags: the “Past, Let’s Forget” bag and the “Future, Let’s not Worry about it” bag. Concerns that so-and-so is going to make the same mistakes get thrown into the “Future…” bag. We can never predict or control if/when somebody else is going to do something. If it’s a behavior that became habitual or is a part of his/her personality, it’s likely the person will repeat it. It takes time to change behaviors and habits. We have to trust that everybody is making a sincere effort, have patience with them, and forgive them when/if they fall short. Habit modification of this kind can be achieved through a 5-step AWAIT process.
Forgiveness is repetitive. I can’t stress this enough. Past wrongs come up again. Sometimes, in other ways; Sometimes, the aftermath or residual effects creep in and become a factor. Some scars never heal. Typically, it’s difficult at best for husbands, wives, Significant Others, and (step)kids to erase the pain or suffering caused by what’s transpired. Sometimes, in a few cases, somebody can find a way to forgive but is unable to continue living there. This is one of many reasons custodial arrangements are altered. In other cases, the stepfamily breaks up. Forgiveness is still vital, though, so the same or similar problems don’t become a factor in the next relationship. Otherwise, it causes emotional baggage with ongoing residual effects.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Circumstances often look clear after the fact, but that isn’t always the case. In mine, it took years before I could look back at it with clarity. It feels good to understand what went wrong and why even though it hurts a little when I think of a few specific big harry messes. Yet, at the same time, those things are forgivable because none of us knew any better. Now, I know what I and my ex should have said and done to get a positive outcome. Most people don’t have that luxury when contemplating past relationships, particularly in stepfamilies.
I distinctly remember the first time I heard of “stepfamily awareness”. I happened across a website on stepfamily dynamics while researching family counseling. Through hyperlinks, I discovered The Stepfamily Association and The Stepfamily Foundation. I was shocked to say the least. Up to that point, I was in the dark. I had no clue there were so many common situations endemic to stepfamilies - tribulations that they don’t exist in nuclear (first) families. Page after page, I was amazed at how much sounded familiar at home. Moreover, there were organizations founded for the shear purpose of educating and helping people in stepfamilies. Wow!
The Stepfamily Foundation had been around since the 70’s! Why hadn’t I heard of it before? The short answer is that I never looked. I had no reason to. I had no reason to question how families work, for I had been in one all my life. My parents divorced as a child and both parents were involved with another. I remembered it vividly and thought I was prepared. I wasn’t expecting anything rosy. I knew there would be snags, but nobody can prepare you for actual stepfamily life unless they have also been in a stepfamily, as an adult. None of my friends or family had been where I was. I am not alone in this. I hear this over and over again from step parents – the shocking reality of being recoupled with children. I, like most people, went into expecting it to transform into a regular family with normal ups and downs. Explaining it to people in first families is moot. That’s why many step parents feel so alone. They no longer feel comfortable talking (venting mostly) to others. They are either misunderstood or criticized. They are sometimes judged for not being a good enough parent to the stepkids or trying to replace the bio parent. Both are unfair and unfounded.
The most challenging coaching I do is with clients who come to me after already being married or living together for 2 or more years. By this time, the tension at home is sometimes so thick it can be cut with a knife. Miscommunication, lack of understanding, unrealistic expectations, and subconscious assumptions cause people to say and do things that would be fine in a first family but cause harm in a stepfamily. Each person acts and reacts according to their own perspective, which is often not aligned with anybody else. Being unable to resolve issues, the hurt feelings multiply and intensify. Yelling becomes a common occurrence. So does disrespect and criticism.
The odds of a family in this dire situation staying together are against them. If this describes your stepfamily, I strongly advise you to seek a Stepfamily Professional. It can be reversed with the right tools. Unless the tools magically appear along with direction of how to use them, this family will continue acting and reacting based on hurt feelings. They will continue to do what they’ve always done and continue to get the same bad results. It is likely to spiral downward out of control.
That is a big part of what happened to us. [Granted, our issues extended far beyond step-related. Based on those, it is likely we would have broken up anyway. However, the many step issues exasperated the excess dysfunction. Handling the step dynamics better may have eased the adversity.] By the time I was enlightened to step differences, the worst of the damage was already done and spiraling out of control. The past could not be taken back. Some of it created scars in everybody. We had already been living together for about 2 years and had dated a year before that. At that time, I did not have the tools necessary to undo what was already done.
Ideally, for a stepfamily in this situation to get on track of healthy functionality, everybody (particularly the adults) should formulate a pact to make a fresh start – a do over. Forgive all past wrongs by everybody due to reason of inexperience. In this case, ignorance is an excuse. Most importantly, it is the only way to get past the bad and move forward in a positive healthy direction. It is easier said than done. In fact, it is the toughest. I usually have to address this within the first month of coaching clients who fit this scenario. I spend a little time explaining probable reasons for so-and-so’s actions, and corroborate it with the person when possible. I give suggestions on how to address it now and similar situations in the future. Then, I create 2 imaginary bags: the “Past, Let’s Forget” bag and the “Future, Let’s not Worry about it” bag. Concerns that so-and-so is going to make the same mistakes get thrown into the “Future…” bag. We can never predict or control if/when somebody else is going to do something. If it’s a behavior that became habitual or is a part of his/her personality, it’s likely the person will repeat it. It takes time to change behaviors and habits. We have to trust that everybody is making a sincere effort, have patience with them, and forgive them when/if they fall short. Habit modification of this kind can be achieved through a 5-step AWAIT process.
Forgiveness is repetitive. I can’t stress this enough. Past wrongs come up again. Sometimes, in other ways; Sometimes, the aftermath or residual effects creep in and become a factor. Some scars never heal. Typically, it’s difficult at best for husbands, wives, Significant Others, and (step)kids to erase the pain or suffering caused by what’s transpired. Sometimes, in a few cases, somebody can find a way to forgive but is unable to continue living there. This is one of many reasons custodial arrangements are altered. In other cases, the stepfamily breaks up. Forgiveness is still vital, though, so the same or similar problems don’t become a factor in the next relationship. Otherwise, it causes emotional baggage with ongoing residual effects.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
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