Hindsight 20/20: My Dysfunctional Stepfamily Experience. How about that for the title of my autobiography I’m writing? I think it fits. It’s not a definite – only a definite maybe.
Circumstances often look clear after the fact, but that isn’t always the case. In mine, it took years before I could look back at it with clarity. It feels good to understand what went wrong and why even though it hurts a little when I think of a few specific big harry messes. Yet, at the same time, those things are forgivable because none of us knew any better. Now, I know what I and my ex should have said and done to get a positive outcome. Most people don’t have that luxury when contemplating past relationships, particularly in stepfamilies.
I distinctly remember the first time I heard of “stepfamily awareness”. I happened across a website on stepfamily dynamics while researching family counseling. Through hyperlinks, I discovered The Stepfamily Association and The Stepfamily Foundation. I was shocked to say the least. Up to that point, I was in the dark. I had no clue there were so many common situations endemic to stepfamilies - tribulations that they don’t exist in nuclear (first) families. Page after page, I was amazed at how much sounded familiar at home. Moreover, there were organizations founded for the shear purpose of educating and helping people in stepfamilies. Wow!
The Stepfamily Foundation had been around since the 70’s! Why hadn’t I heard of it before? The short answer is that I never looked. I had no reason to. I had no reason to question how families work, for I had been in one all my life. My parents divorced as a child and both parents were involved with another. I remembered it vividly and thought I was prepared. I wasn’t expecting anything rosy. I knew there would be snags, but nobody can prepare you for actual stepfamily life unless they have also been in a stepfamily, as an adult. None of my friends or family had been where I was. I am not alone in this. I hear this over and over again from step parents – the shocking reality of being recoupled with children. I, like most people, went into expecting it to transform into a regular family with normal ups and downs. Explaining it to people in first families is moot. That’s why many step parents feel so alone. They no longer feel comfortable talking (venting mostly) to others. They are either misunderstood or criticized. They are sometimes judged for not being a good enough parent to the stepkids or trying to replace the bio parent. Both are unfair and unfounded.
The most challenging coaching I do is with clients who come to me after already being married or living together for 2 or more years. By this time, the tension at home is sometimes so thick it can be cut with a knife. Miscommunication, lack of understanding, unrealistic expectations, and subconscious assumptions cause people to say and do things that would be fine in a first family but cause harm in a stepfamily. Each person acts and reacts according to their own perspective, which is often not aligned with anybody else. Being unable to resolve issues, the hurt feelings multiply and intensify. Yelling becomes a common occurrence. So does disrespect and criticism.
The odds of a family in this dire situation staying together are against them. If this describes your stepfamily, I strongly advise you to seek a Stepfamily Professional. It can be reversed with the right tools. Unless the tools magically appear along with direction of how to use them, this family will continue acting and reacting based on hurt feelings. They will continue to do what they’ve always done and continue to get the same bad results. It is likely to spiral downward out of control.
That is a big part of what happened to us. [Granted, our issues extended far beyond step-related. Based on those, it is likely we would have broken up anyway. However, the many step issues exasperated the excess dysfunction. Handling the step dynamics better may have eased the adversity.] By the time I was enlightened to step differences, the worst of the damage was already done and spiraling out of control. The past could not be taken back. Some of it created scars in everybody. We had already been living together for about 2 years and had dated a year before that. At that time, I did not have the tools necessary to undo what was already done.
Ideally, for a stepfamily in this situation to get on track of healthy functionality, everybody (particularly the adults) should formulate a pact to make a fresh start – a do over. Forgive all past wrongs by everybody due to reason of inexperience. In this case, ignorance is an excuse. Most importantly, it is the only way to get past the bad and move forward in a positive healthy direction. It is easier said than done. In fact, it is the toughest. I usually have to address this within the first month of coaching clients who fit this scenario. I spend a little time explaining probable reasons for so-and-so’s actions, and corroborate it with the person when possible. I give suggestions on how to address it now and similar situations in the future. Then, I create 2 imaginary bags: the “Past, Let’s Forget” bag and the “Future, Let’s not Worry about it” bag. Concerns that so-and-so is going to make the same mistakes get thrown into the “Future…” bag. We can never predict or control if/when somebody else is going to do something. If it’s a behavior that became habitual or is a part of his/her personality, it’s likely the person will repeat it. It takes time to change behaviors and habits. We have to trust that everybody is making a sincere effort, have patience with them, and forgive them when/if they fall short. Habit modification of this kind can be achieved through a 5-step AWAIT process.
Forgiveness is repetitive. I can’t stress this enough. Past wrongs come up again. Sometimes, in other ways; Sometimes, the aftermath or residual effects creep in and become a factor. Some scars never heal. Typically, it’s difficult at best for husbands, wives, Significant Others, and (step)kids to erase the pain or suffering caused by what’s transpired. Sometimes, in a few cases, somebody can find a way to forgive but is unable to continue living there. This is one of many reasons custodial arrangements are altered. In other cases, the stepfamily breaks up. Forgiveness is still vital, though, so the same or similar problems don’t become a factor in the next relationship. Otherwise, it causes emotional baggage with ongoing residual effects.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
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