I rediscovered my why in a Jerry Maguire Moment

I didn’t write a new Mission Statement or a memo but it was a Jerry Maguire moment. In the wee hours of the morning, not able to fall back to sleep, I became my mom’s daughter again. My conscious and subconscious came together; in a touchy-feely minute, I reaffirmed my reasons for starting Sensible Steps, LLC.

To date, the best compliment I ever received is when a client told me I was helping him to become a better person through my coaching. That comment in itself inspires me to continue. But that doesn’t explain why I started my company. I want to save other couples from making the same mistakes I did. I would like couples who are truly in love to be able to resolve challenges that are pulling them apart. Little is understood about the uniqueness of stepfamilies. People fall back on what they know – first families. For the half of first families who fail, their skills in healthy relationships may be lacking (something). Or maybe they are in the relationship for the wrong reason, or the wrong time. Whatever the reason, the baggage that comes with break-ups makes the next relationship more challenging, whether the baggage is emotional, an ex-spouse, or children. It helps to talk to somebody who knows how to work through those issues, or at least understand what you went through. It would’ve helped me and my (now) ex-boyfriend.

After I moved south, we were going to make one last effort to make “us” work. I started educating myself on stepfamilies and became a Certified Stepfamily Coach through The Stepfamily Foundation. He was planning on relocating to be with me. Naturally, I had hoped he’d bring his son with him. That’s another story.

We still had many issues to work through, aside from stepfamily issues. I made it clear that they had to come first. Part of my task was separating our problems into 2 categories: step-related problems and other. The “other” things were pretty major. He had not legally divorced his wife for starters. “I’m psychologically divorced,” he would tell me, “so why should the courts tell me I am? How dare they tell me how to raise my son in those mandatory classes?” This argument sounded absurd to everybody except him. From a clinical perspective, it is a cover-up – a cop-out. That piece of paper represented the very things he couldn’t handle – failure as a husband, father, Catholic – as a person. He criticized me, my sisters, and others who got “divorced”. He perpetuated its stigma. His co-dependency was another HUGE issue. I wasn’t able to pinpoint that until after I left. (I guess the forest was too thick to see through the trees.) I was not the right person to help him understand and overcome that. Even if I was, he was not ready. The final HUGE issue was discipline. His son needed to be held accountable for obeying rules. I got to the point of not caring what the rules were, as long as my ex could enforce them. (Truly, I told him the rules could be as absurd as a 2 AM bed-time on a school night, as long as he could enforce it.) His deep-seated fear, guilt, and resentment affected him in major ways. In order to have a healthy relationship, he would need to like himself again. Finally, there was his marijuana use. I wasn’t sure what I’d do about that. But, if we could get past everything else, I rationalized a new environment and new friends may be a positive influence. Needless to say, all of that was too tall an order and he was not willing to seek professional guidance. We ended the trial about 1 year after I left OH.

Among other things, I was concerned for his youngest son. Even though we never became a cohesive family, we had grown accustomed to each other. I knew his son relied on me to fix him something to eat when he came home from school and ensure he had clean clothes to wear to school. Plus, he didn’t like being alone. He knew he could rely on me. I knew the effects of serial relationships on children. Another separation would increase his chances of getting divorced when he matures. It would probably mean more unhealthy relationships, possibly even with friends. On the other hand, his father and I didn’t have a healthy relationship anyway. I had hoped we’d be able to figure it out though. At the least, he should know that his father and I truly loved each other and earnestly tried to make it work. Each of us did the best we could, but it wasn’t good enough.

Thinking about all of this made me realize (again) the importance of being in a respectful supportive environment that helps you to thrive… encourage you to improve… take chances because somebody will be there to help you up if you fall… listen to you… make you feel needed and wanted. In romantic or familial relationships, Love is also important, but not necessary or practical in step family relationships.

This - a healthy home environment – is what I desire for all families. Statistically, there are more stepfamilies than first families. Roughly 25% (depending on varying sources) stay together. Of those, it is said to take an average of 7-10 years before the step members feel comfortable as a stepfamily – to feel somewhat cohesive. These are scary statistics when you think about it. Factor in the prevalence of other common social problems (learning disabilities, behavioral disorders, addiction, depression, adultery, unemployment), and it stands to reason there would be an overlap. To wit, there is a high percentage of stepfamilies dealing with common social problems and trying to stay together – and stay sane. The odds of making it are not in their favor. At the least, I am striving to improve the odds. At most, I am instilling peace and fostering healthy home environments, one stepfamily at a time.

Being in an unhealthy relationship can kill you – on the inside – your spirit – that which makes you “you”. It could be a slow death. A few possible effects are depression, numbness, addiction, bitterness, anger, feeling of being a victim, resentment. A person who dies on the inside is incapable of loving others. That person has lost sight of the joys of life – of what is good and meaningful. Think of how that would affect this person’s parenting or work performance. Children or co-workers would be exposed to this person’s drab demeanor. Instead of spreading contagious smiles or laughter, they would bring people down. We all know somebody we try to avoid because they are not happy… and those we can’t help but to like because they make us laugh, act silly, or are just plain nice.

Simply put, I have an opportunity to make the world brighter. Smiling and listening to people is only one way. God gave me a gift. Not only do I truly like people, especially kids, but I enjoy getting to know them. God also gave me the gift of my experiences, even the painful ones, to learn from. That is why I passionately want to be a Stepfamily Coach.

Not all stepfamilies are the same. Each one is special in its own way. Therefore, one approach will not work with them all. Luckily, there are many Stepfamily Professionals to choose from. Thank goodness most stepfamilies don’t experience the level of dysfunction of mine! A few are worse, but most are milder. My history gives me a broader spectrum of family situations I can address. I know how it feels to constantly be an outsider instead of an insider to your new family. I know what it is like to feel totally alone… to not have anybody who understands what you’re going through… to not have anybody to confide in… to still want to make the most of your situation… still want to do the right thing, but be torn… afraid to get too close to the kids to save them agony if it doesn’t work out… feel frustrated because everything is out of your control… to genuinely care for people who don’t understand you and are not willing to try. I want to give people in this situation a way out – freedom – a way to regain control (real and perceived) – empowerment. Doing that for even one person or family is personally rewarding.


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com