Recently, I heard an old podcast of "This American Life" about Frenemies. It basically represents a relationship between two people who can be considered a friend or an enemy depending on the day and current perspective. It either changes between the 2 perspectives frequently or the participants have a difficult time figuring out what they are to begin with. I recommend listening to the podcast if you have the time. I admit it was the first time I heard the term, but it made sense as soon as they explained it. This phenomena is very common although it seems counter-intuitive. The podcast explained there is a science behind people's internal desire to hold onto these relationships, even if they may be unhealthy at times. I realized I had a few frenemies in my history as well.
It got me thinking about possible frenemy relationships in stepfamilies. For example, are BioMoms and StepMoms frenemies? How about ex-spouses? I say I'm friends with my ex-husband, but we don't hang out together and rarely talk on the phone anymore. Plus, I have a few friends who have what I've always called a love-hate relationship with their parents, and sometimes other friends. One day, they are helping each other out, expressing their love and concern, and being supportive. The next day they are saying they hate each other and never want to talk to each other again. Yet, they still talk over the phone frequently, almost daily.
It's been theorized by a few that the friends I'm referring to in these love-hate relationships are bi-polar. I think they are just frenemies. I think their bi-polar attitude is learned from their parents. If your mom tells kicks you out of your house and tells you she never wants to see you or talk to you again... and then shortly thereafter acts as if nothing ever happened, and treats you lovingly... and then the following week, she gets mad and decides she hates you again only to do a 180 within a few days and acts like she loves you again... and on and on, back and forth... how can a child with this type of parent learn anything other than I love you and hate you? This child grows into an adult who treats their friends the same way. Only now, they are treated with drugs to control their bi-polar condition... or they go untreated. Either way, they still treat their friends the same way and wander why they are like that. Maybe it is just the science behind being a frenemy that is really the question.
I think people like to be challenged. They (We) like to stretch our mind and think about things on a deeper level. That is what frenemies do. I think we are internally drawn to keep these relationships because they are the catalyst for us learning more about ourselves. Like attracts like. We are drawn to people who we perceive to be similar to us or who possess traits we want to learn and acquire. Therefore, frenemies serve a purpose. Sometimes, they are family members whom we will always be connected to by blood. That blood bond is stronger than any other.
So, blood bonds aside, why do people hang on to frenemies? Who is the frenemy in your life? What purpose does he/she serve for you?
Some people hold onto their resentment and anger toward their ex-spouse. I've seen this in both men and women, so gender is not a factor; Although, women tend to be more outwardly emotional so it may be more obvious in women. The commitment of marriage is not to be taken lightly. Adult children of divorce can let it go easier and have less difficulty adjusting to divorce as an adult. Adults who have parents still in love and married to each other have a much tougher time agreeing to a divorce and forgiving their (ex)spouse for not trying to continue working on the marriage. I've witnessed these types holding on to their resentment for an unhealthy length of time. It permeates them and makes them bitter at most, unhappy at the least. It's as if the resentment grows like a snowball into anger and then a self-righteous reason to possess the unhealthy "attitude". All the while, they are claiming to be friends with their (ex)spouse - during and after the divorce process.
Maybe this is why some BioMoms try to sabotage the relationship between their ex-spouse and his new wife, StepMom to her kids. Maybe she is consciously or sub-consciously clutching at her resentment of the loss of her first family. Or, maybe she is in the category of people who can't figure out why her marriage broke up in the first place. I found that people who can't figure out the underlying reasons tend to replay events of the relationship over and over again in their mind. It's as if they internally are trying to understand what went wrong. People need closure. A symbiotic relationship with the ex is the best way to achieve closure. Absent that, they need to get closure any way they can.
Closure is necessary at the end of any relationship, whether between close friends, romantic boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, or family members who had a falling out. Verbally attaining closure from the other person in the relationship is not always possible. Writing a journal or letter you never mail is one way to achieve closure. It also helps a person to gain personal insight into the reason they were in the relationship or to their contribution to why it ended. It fosters understanding and a way to forgive.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
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