Adult children of divorce have the toughest time having healthy relationships as an adult. Because their parents divorced, they were unable to see what a healthy marriage looks and feels like, unless of course either parent remarried and stayed married. Instead of learning how to have a long and lasting marriage, they learn how to argue, stonewall, criticize, manipulate, or any number of things, and finally to give up. On the reverse side, many learn that arguing is bad or wrong and avoid confrontation at all costs, to the point of avoiding any discussion due to fear it may turn into an argument.
They look other places to learn about love and relationships. Without healthy role models in real life, they get their ideals from tv or the big screen. Television dramatizes and sensationalizes everything for the sake of entertainment. Even the true stories are exaggerated or fictionalized for the screen. Girls grow up hoping, and expecting, to have a knight in shining armor sweep them off their feet. Many dream and plan their wedding long before they meet "the one". Boys grow up wanting to be a John Wayne, James Bond, Westley from Princess Bride, or Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) in Pretty Woman.
Many others grow up believing there is no such thing as true love, or any good relationship. Some scoff at having long-term relationships. Some have serial monogamous relationships. While others constantly play the field and never enter monogamous relationships. A commonality in all of these relationships is an unrealistic view of serious relationships and marriage.
Statistically speaking, adults whose family divorced as a child tend to divorce more often than adults whose parents are still together. Adults of a divorced family are also much more likely to be, or stay, in unhealthy relationships too long. They don't know how to choose the right person or how to recognize a healthy relationship. As a result, they stay in unhealthy relationships too long or quit at the drop of a hat without giving all their effort. Or are they not giving all their effort? It's likely they gave everything they knew how to give, but the problem is they never learned how to have a healthy relationship.
Choosing the right mate, communicating without arguing, realistic expectations, and other aspects of healthy relationships are not common sense. They have to be learned. Subsequently, I choose to not criticize people who get divorced. Many of them are truly in unhealthy situations. Many tried everything they knew to do and went out of their way to resolve underlying issues before giving up on the marriage. Many don't even realize they have unrealistic views of marriage. Nor do they know how to surmount the fear inside them - fear of losing the love of their life, of not ever finding the right "one", or getting divorced, of pain, commitment, etc.
If you are an adult child of divorce, I urge you to take the time to find and observe couples who have been happily married for many years, particularly the older generation, but couples of generation X as well. Read books or articles and hang out with other couples who seem to be happy.
If you like this post, you may like these articles as well:
People and Relationships: Happy Relationships Are Contagious
Why So Many Marriages Fail
Love is Not Always Enough
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
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