People often want to know about my experiences in a stepfamily. I have experiences as both a child and an adult in a stepfamily, but this post is only about my adult stepfamily experience.
I noticed many red flags before we moved in together, but I firmly believed everything changes. One can never know in what way something will change, for good or worse. Plus, I believed we can make our relationship work if we really loved each other and were both willing to work on it. I still believe in these things, but I now understand important underlying principles - what kinds of changes occur in stepfamilies and the depths of what it means to work on any relationship, specifically a stepfamily.
Simply put, I became involved in a dysfunctional family. They were dysfunctional before I fell in love, but I did not realize it until we were living together. In truth, I didn't *get* the full picture until after we broke up.
Here are a few of the bigger issues we faced: 1) My ex did not legally divorce the mother of his children. 2) She was unemployed for a long time, thus leaning on us financially. She found a job making more money than the combined income of my ex and me; yet, she still struggled to keep the utilities on and the mortgage up to date. We helped her many times. 3) She was Clinically Depressed (although not formally diagnosed) and suicidal. 4) She frequented bars or went out regularly, thus relinquishing motherly duties to my ex and myself a lot. 5) Both my ex and the mother of his children, as well as several friends in their circle, got high from marijuana a lot. Several of them did that daily. My ex got high 3-5 times/week on average. 6) My step children were rarely disciplined at all. This was due to guilt and each parent sharing the role of the Holiday Parent. Informal custody was switched from his mother to us after only a few months of our cohabitation. Naturally, they resented any discipline from me. 7) My ex was Co-Dependent! Finally, but not least 8) My ex changed his mind about having more children. Later, I lost respect for his inability to "parent" (AKA discipline); I no longer wanted to have children with him, even after he changed his mind again. He changed his mind a few more times, but I think it was to persuade me to stay.
Many indirect obstacles resulted from each of the above macro problems. Numerous arguments and unhealthy interaction abounded. Through all of these ordeals, there was no doubt of my love for him. I was whole-heartedly in love with him and would have done anything for him. Inside, he was still the same sweet, funny, intelligent man I fell in love with. He was the type of person who would help anybody, like the time we stopped so he could help a stranger change a tire. His friends were supremely loyal because each could site a list of ways he helped them. He loved kids and they loved spending time with him. He loved with a heart of a child and knew how to have a good time sober. He appreciated all animals. He saved a crippled bird from the neighborhood cat and we nursed it to health 'til it could fly. Yet, he didn't truly like himself. He didn't think he was worth loving. Nothing I could do could make him happy. That hurt me immensely, to the depth of my being. After 7, I lost count how many times we broke up and got back together.
Eventually, my internal desire to be whole - sane - triumphed over my genuine love for him. After living together for 2 1/2 years, and being in a relationship with him for 3 1/2 years, I knew it was time for me to leave. My sanity was at stake. My relationship with my family was strained because they couldn't understand why I chose to stay for so long. After I moved to another state, we were going to give it another try. We felt more resolute than ever to work harder at fixing the problems and were excited about him moving down to Florida, my new state of residence. After 1 year, I realized nothing changed - only the geography. The same problems existed. The ultimate termination of that relationship was when he realized on his own terms that he could not leave his children and wouldn't be able to bring the youngest with him. The eldest 2 were in college.
I conscientiously decided to stay as long as I did. Therefore, I have no regrets for not leaving sooner. However, I wouldn't recommend anybody staying in an unhealthy situation such as this. Once it is determined to be unhealthy, you've tried as best you can to intervene or bring awareness of the unhealthy situation, and you realize there is nothing more you can do to influence positive change, then it is in the best interest of your spiritual well-being to leave.
Coming Soon: a post on the 5 phases of Change. Change is possible regardless of age, gender, religion, and social standing.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Repairing and building relationships in step families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
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