Co-dependency is an unhealthy psychological need to be needed.
There is a difference between helping somebody and doing everything for them. Helping somebody is providing them with something they need but don’t already have in order to accomplish a certain task or goal. It could be an object, money, or knowledge of how to do something. It is a way of empowering them to finish on their own. In this manner, they achieve a sense of accomplishment. Doing everything for another person doesn’t give them the resources they need to put them on a higher standing. Nor will it allow them to learn how to do it. Provisions to help that person should be used in a way they can earn more resources, thus gaining status or ground compared to where they were prior to asking for help. Otherwise, the next time that person needs to accomplish the same or similar task, he/she will again need to ask for help. As long as the person never learns how to do it or isn’t able to gain extra resources, he/she stays dependent on others.
Consider the famous quote from Jerry McGuire to Rod Tidwell in the movie, Jerry McGuire, “Help me, Rod. Help me to help you.” Neither character was co-dependent, but this reflects the sentiment. There should be contribution from the person being helped, like a team. Healthy teamwork is both people working for the same purpose and is the quickest way to reach the goal.
Co-dependents help to an extreme, sometimes to the point of leaving themselves with little to no resources. Their self-worth is tied to benefiting others. In other words, they only feel good about themselves when they are helping others. Because it is a deep-seeded psychological issue (residing in their sub-conscious), they are not consciously aware how they keep another dependent. Nor can they see how this behavior is unhealthy to either themselves or the other person.
My ex is a co-dependent. For a short while, the mother of his children was clinically depressed to the point of being suicidal. Being unemployed did not help her mental state; nor did her use of alcohol or marijuana. We helped her financially in many ways. My ex even put her car and tags in his name. I drew the line at adding her to my car insurance. Long after she was employed and making good money, my ex continued to do most things for her, even though she was able. She continued to ask because he continued to do. After over a year of employment and making decent money, she was unable to effectively budget and spent too much at a local bar. Once when we were on vacation, she called repeatedly to have him pay a utility bill with his credit card. She could have paid in person with a money order or cash. I wonder if her dependency was in higher gear because he was with me. Regardless, my ex exhibited co-dependent behavior by agreeing to do it. At the most, he could have held her hand (metaphorically) to give her emotional support and encouragement. At the least, he could’ve put his foot down and did nothing – a form of tough love. (This is when tough love is most beneficial.) If he had limited his help and pushed her into action, she probably would have stopped expecting more. For example, lend her money once in awhile, put the car and tags in her name, and make her pay her own bills.
There are many misconceptions on co-dependency. Most people have not studied the subject at length so the misnomer is forgivable. The co-dependent label is readily applied to anybody who is in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. True, they are commonly in long-term relationships with addicts of drugs or alcohol. Instead of trying to help the addict overcome the abuse, they enable the user. The user stays dependent on the substance, as well as the co-dependent partner. However, not all co-dependents are with addicts; not all addicts are with co-dependents.
I fall into this latter category. My first long-term boyfriend in high school was an alcoholic. As such, I was told I was co-dependent, but I didn’t fit the profile. I couldn’t comprehend how I could be co-dependent when I have the opposite personality. In fact, his alcoholism was the major contributing factor I broke up with him. After his friends lay him in my car passed out from drinking too much, I couldn’t figure out how to get him in the house. A few nights like this when I had to go to school the next day were too much for me. Learning more about addiction and co-dependency from a psychological and sociological perspective in college confirmed what I had already known. It also led me to discover the true reason I had entered into a relationship with an alcoholic – because my dad was an alcoholic. My dad warned me against drugs, but not alcohol. He showed me the normalcy of drinking and going to bars. Dating a drinker as a teen seemed natural. I considered myself to be weak because I broke up with him instead of staying and helping him. Luckily, my education taught me how to recognize warning signs. Experience taught me how to avoid unhealthy situations and manage healthy ones.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
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