A Little About Co-dependency

Co-dependency is an unhealthy psychological need to be needed.

There is a difference between helping somebody and doing everything for them. Helping somebody is providing them with something they need but don’t already have in order to accomplish a certain task or goal. It could be an object, money, or knowledge of how to do something. It is a way of empowering them to finish on their own. In this manner, they achieve a sense of accomplishment. Doing everything for another person doesn’t give them the resources they need to put them on a higher standing. Nor will it allow them to learn how to do it. Provisions to help that person should be used in a way they can earn more resources, thus gaining status or ground compared to where they were prior to asking for help. Otherwise, the next time that person needs to accomplish the same or similar task, he/she will again need to ask for help. As long as the person never learns how to do it or isn’t able to gain extra resources, he/she stays dependent on others.

Consider the famous quote from Jerry McGuire to Rod Tidwell in the movie, Jerry McGuire, “Help me, Rod. Help me to help you.” Neither character was co-dependent, but this reflects the sentiment. There should be contribution from the person being helped, like a team. Healthy teamwork is both people working for the same purpose and is the quickest way to reach the goal.

Co-dependents help to an extreme, sometimes to the point of leaving themselves with little to no resources. Their self-worth is tied to benefiting others. In other words, they only feel good about themselves when they are helping others. Because it is a deep-seeded psychological issue (residing in their sub-conscious), they are not consciously aware how they keep another dependent. Nor can they see how this behavior is unhealthy to either themselves or the other person.

My ex is a co-dependent. For a short while, the mother of his children was clinically depressed to the point of being suicidal. Being unemployed did not help her mental state; nor did her use of alcohol or marijuana. We helped her financially in many ways. My ex even put her car and tags in his name. I drew the line at adding her to my car insurance. Long after she was employed and making good money, my ex continued to do most things for her, even though she was able. She continued to ask because he continued to do. After over a year of employment and making decent money, she was unable to effectively budget and spent too much at a local bar. Once when we were on vacation, she called repeatedly to have him pay a utility bill with his credit card. She could have paid in person with a money order or cash. I wonder if her dependency was in higher gear because he was with me. Regardless, my ex exhibited co-dependent behavior by agreeing to do it. At the most, he could have held her hand (metaphorically) to give her emotional support and encouragement. At the least, he could’ve put his foot down and did nothing – a form of tough love. (This is when tough love is most beneficial.) If he had limited his help and pushed her into action, she probably would have stopped expecting more. For example, lend her money once in awhile, put the car and tags in her name, and make her pay her own bills.

There are many misconceptions on co-dependency. Most people have not studied the subject at length so the misnomer is forgivable. The co-dependent label is readily applied to anybody who is in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. True, they are commonly in long-term relationships with addicts of drugs or alcohol. Instead of trying to help the addict overcome the abuse, they enable the user. The user stays dependent on the substance, as well as the co-dependent partner. However, not all co-dependents are with addicts; not all addicts are with co-dependents.

I fall into this latter category. My first long-term boyfriend in high school was an alcoholic. As such, I was told I was co-dependent, but I didn’t fit the profile. I couldn’t comprehend how I could be co-dependent when I have the opposite personality. In fact, his alcoholism was the major contributing factor I broke up with him. After his friends lay him in my car passed out from drinking too much, I couldn’t figure out how to get him in the house. A few nights like this when I had to go to school the next day were too much for me. Learning more about addiction and co-dependency from a psychological and sociological perspective in college confirmed what I had already known. It also led me to discover the true reason I had entered into a relationship with an alcoholic – because my dad was an alcoholic. My dad warned me against drugs, but not alcohol. He showed me the normalcy of drinking and going to bars. Dating a drinker as a teen seemed natural. I considered myself to be weak because I broke up with him instead of staying and helping him. Luckily, my education taught me how to recognize warning signs. Experience taught me how to avoid unhealthy situations and manage healthy ones.


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

Love is Not Always Enough - My Stepfamily Experience

People often want to know about my experiences in a stepfamily. I have experiences as both a child and an adult in a stepfamily, but this post is only about my adult stepfamily experience.

I noticed many red flags before we moved in together, but I firmly believed everything changes. One can never know in what way something will change, for good or worse. Plus, I believed we can make our relationship work if we really loved each other and were both willing to work on it. I still believe in these things, but I now understand important underlying principles - what kinds of changes occur in stepfamilies and the depths of what it means to work on any relationship, specifically a stepfamily.

Simply put, I became involved in a dysfunctional family. They were dysfunctional before I fell in love, but I did not realize it until we were living together. In truth, I didn't *get* the full picture until after we broke up.

Here are a few of the bigger issues we faced: 1) My ex did not legally divorce the mother of his children. 2) She was unemployed for a long time, thus leaning on us financially. She found a job making more money than the combined income of my ex and me; yet, she still struggled to keep the utilities on and the mortgage up to date. We helped her many times. 3) She was Clinically Depressed (although not formally diagnosed) and suicidal. 4) She frequented bars or went out regularly, thus relinquishing motherly duties to my ex and myself a lot. 5) Both my ex and the mother of his children, as well as several friends in their circle, got high from marijuana a lot. Several of them did that daily. My ex got high 3-5 times/week on average. 6) My step children were rarely disciplined at all. This was due to guilt and each parent sharing the role of the Holiday Parent. Informal custody was switched from his mother to us after only a few months of our cohabitation. Naturally, they resented any discipline from me. 7) My ex was Co-Dependent! Finally, but not least 8) My ex changed his mind about having more children. Later, I lost respect for his inability to "parent" (AKA discipline); I no longer wanted to have children with him, even after he changed his mind again. He changed his mind a few more times, but I think it was to persuade me to stay.

Many indirect obstacles resulted from each of the above macro problems. Numerous arguments and unhealthy interaction abounded. Through all of these ordeals, there was no doubt of my love for him. I was whole-heartedly in love with him and would have done anything for him. Inside, he was still the same sweet, funny, intelligent man I fell in love with. He was the type of person who would help anybody, like the time we stopped so he could help a stranger change a tire. His friends were supremely loyal because each could site a list of ways he helped them. He loved kids and they loved spending time with him. He loved with a heart of a child and knew how to have a good time sober. He appreciated all animals. He saved a crippled bird from the neighborhood cat and we nursed it to health 'til it could fly. Yet, he didn't truly like himself. He didn't think he was worth loving. Nothing I could do could make him happy. That hurt me immensely, to the depth of my being. After 7, I lost count how many times we broke up and got back together.

Eventually, my internal desire to be whole - sane - triumphed over my genuine love for him. After living together for 2 1/2 years, and being in a relationship with him for 3 1/2 years, I knew it was time for me to leave. My sanity was at stake. My relationship with my family was strained because they couldn't understand why I chose to stay for so long. After I moved to another state, we were going to give it another try. We felt more resolute than ever to work harder at fixing the problems and were excited about him moving down to Florida, my new state of residence. After 1 year, I realized nothing changed - only the geography. The same problems existed. The ultimate termination of that relationship was when he realized on his own terms that he could not leave his children and wouldn't be able to bring the youngest with him. The eldest 2 were in college.

I conscientiously decided to stay as long as I did. Therefore, I have no regrets for not leaving sooner. However, I wouldn't recommend anybody staying in an unhealthy situation such as this. Once it is determined to be unhealthy, you've tried as best you can to intervene or bring awareness of the unhealthy situation, and you realize there is nothing more you can do to influence positive change, then it is in the best interest of your spiritual well-being to leave.

Coming Soon: a post on the 5 phases of Change. Change is possible regardless of age, gender, religion, and social standing.


Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Repairing and building relationships in step families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892