Noncustodial parents face extra challenges to stay involved with their kids

We already know the prevalence of divorce, which causes the separation of parents from their children. That makes it more difficult for both parents to have the same quantity and quality of time with their children. Whether one parent has custody or both have joint custody, the time together is less frequent.

Relocation adds another caveat. The economy drives some families to move where there are more job opportunities. Some divorcees desire to be closer to other friends or family members, especially elder parents who may need extra care. The added distance creates another challenge. Now 1 parent has to either drive a lot farther or fly, both of which add time and money spent. This doesn't include the time or money the parent desires to spend on/with the child.

Another obstacle that I hear too frequently is how one parent "sabotages" the relationship between the child and the other parent by saying bad things about the other parent. Children are very impressionable, and many of them tend to believe their parents. It creates confusion and hurt feelings in the victimized parent. Additionally, the child sometimes doesn't want to see or talk to the noncustodial parent much. The psychology behind how and why the child believes anything negative of a parent is content for another article. Below are a few suggestions for parents who are in this position and want to stay connected to their kids:

1) Be consistent. Regardless of what is said or done by your child or ex-spouse, call frequently. Leave voice-mail messages or send text messages saying you are thinking of the child and wishing the best. Do this even if you don't get a response back.

2) Keep your poise. As frustrating as it is, and as much as it hurts your feelings, try to stay calm and not seem irritated when talking to either your child or ex-spouse. With the limited time you have, you want it to be as high quality as possible. Remember your goal to stay involved. If you are irritated and your relationship is already strained, expressing your feelings will probably come across the wrong way and lead to an argument.

3) Send gifts. Don't miss birthdays or holidays. On occasion, if/when possible, send something "just because".

4) Try to repair hurt feelings between you and your ex-spouse. This doesn't mean you want to get back together or that you need to be "friends". Be polite and courteous. If possible, sound a little concerned, even if you're faking it.

5) Consult a professional if these suggestions are too challenging for you to accomplish on your own. I highly recommend an expert trained in stepfamilies, especially if your ex-spouse is already involved in another relationship. It helps to talk to somebody who understands what you're going through. A support group may help as well. If you are in Central Florida, I suggest Step / Blended Family Support Group.

For a few more tips, here is another article on the same topic: Out of sight, not out of mind.

Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
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judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
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