Forms of Stepfamilies

Thirteen hundred new families are forming every day. The majority of these are one of the forms of a step family. Interestingly, most of these families aren't aware of it. In fact, many people are surprised to learn that they are in a stepfamily.

They tell me they aren't in a stepfamily because neither of their parents remarried after the divorce. The fact is that more people cohabitate (live together without getting married) after a divorce than remarry. This is also known as recoupling. Even though a couple is not legally married, the non-biological parent is still acting as a step parent in the household. Therefore, the dynamics of step families apply in their situation.

Or people will tell me they are single; thus, they aren't in a step family. When asked if they have a child, and if the other biological parent of the child remarried, the answer is yes. True, they themselves are not step parents. Yet, they are in a step family because their child has a step parent. Because they are still a part of their child's life, and can influence him/her, they are a part of the step family.

The next scenario is my favorite because it elicits the most surprised and interesting response. Single parents who are dating also fit into a form of a step family. Once either parent starts dating, the dynamics of becoming a step family also start. How the parents explain the divorce or separation, how well they get along after the divorce / separation, how the parents introduce the new potential partner to the kids, and many other factors, all affect how well the family transitions into a step family after the parent moves in with another adult, with the children. This form of a step family is the least obvious form because there are not many arguments or problems during this phase. Ironically, it is the most important time to learn about what it means to be a step family, because what the parents do and how they do it could make a huge impact in the future of the relationship / family. When the parent finally decides to move in with his/her significant other and/or marry her/him, it is even more critical to learn what to expect after the move-in will take place. It could make the biggest difference between extensive turmoil among family members vs the average amount of stress that usually comes with change or moving to a new place.

Regardless of what form of step family you are in, there is potential for harmony or disharmony. There are numerous factors that can affect the stress in your family (or potential stress). If you are in a step family, I strongly suggest that you contact a Step Family Coach in order to get informed.

There are 5 different forms of a stepfamily are as follows:

1. Divorced with children. The child(ren) reside(s) with 1 parent and visits the other, or the child(ren) alternate residences of the 2 parents. Most of these parents are dating or looking for a new partner.
2. Remarried or recoupled. Only 1 adult has (a) child(ren) from a previous relationship. Sometimes these new unions have additional children.
3. Remarried or recoupled. Both adults have (a) child(ren) from a previous relationship. Sometimes these unions have additional children.
4. Never-married single mothers and dating. Occasionally these moms are non-custodial parents. Their children visit her or she visits them. They often become recoupled.
5. Never-married single fathers and dating. Occasionally these dads are non-custodial parents. They visit their children or have the children visit them. They often become recoupled.
   

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Adopted Children Often Feel Like an Outsider

Many people ask me if I work with adopted families. The answer is yes, I do. The reason is because adoption creates many of the same dynamics as stepfamilies. In fact, any family in which the legal guardian(s) are not the biological parent (s) to the child(ren), there is the potential for stressful issues to arise. The natural biological bond between a parent and child grows from day 1 when the baby is in the womb and continuously builds. In all other families, the child is separated from the person with whom they have that strong natural bond. The older this child is when separated, the harder it is for him/her to form a strong bond with another parent.

As a baby grows, he/she learns about the world from his/her parents. All of his/her needs are met through the parents. In short, a baby's world IS his/her parents. That is all he/she knows. The parent learns what each look or sound means, and responds in a particular manner. As the baby grows, he/she comes to expect a particular response every time he/she says or does a specific thing that generated that response in the past. Depending on the age of a child, and his/her exposure to friends' parents, he/she may believe that all parents would respond in the exact same way.

If that child transitions to a new household and guardian/parent, the learning process is lost completely. Neither the parent nor the child know the other person's looks, sayings, or mannerisms. When the child does/says the same thing as before, the new parent/guardian responds in a manner consistent with his/her personality, upbringing, and belief systems. However, that response is contrary to how the biological parent used to respond. This is when misinterpretations and confusion sometimes enters. Depending on how the situation is handled by each person, and their personalities, the child may start to feel like an outsider. If the child is already feeling that way because of the newness of the relationship (or other reasons), this perspective of feeling like an outsider could deepen.

For a more in depth explanation of being an outsider vs insider, please refer to my previous article "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892