A step family would not exist if a family did not break up. A family - not just the parents - gets divorced. Yet, it is the parents who decide to form a new family. They step into a new family.
Everybody desires to be wanted. Some people need to be needed, while others want to be needed. Let's face it. People want people. We want to be social. We want to have friends and have fun - to live before we die. This is more prominent after a break-up because people feel a part of them has been lost, or is missing. Specifically, adults crave companionship. Companionship with a close friend does not feel the same as intimate companionship. That drives people to try their hand at another relationship, sometimes through the five phases until a step family is formed.
This phase is very important to the health of a step family. It is a step family in formation. Healing your wounds after a separation - forgiving your ex and releasing resentment - is one of the most important things you can do. How you handle the move-out phase is a part of this. Are you the type of person who is going to share all the belongings so each of you gets half of everything? Are you going to insist you and your partner only take what she/he brought into the household? Or are you going to fight for everything and leave her/him with as little as possible? If you identify mostly with the latter question, then you have resentment issues.
Acting vindictive is not going to help your situation. It certainly won't set you up to co-parent effectively. The entire divorce proceedings is a preliminary process to co-parenting. These two items go hand in hand. If your divorce proceedings go smoothly, there is a much higher likelihood that co-parenting will be effective. Even if your divorce is volatile, peaceful co-parenting is possible.
Co-parenting is something you'll have to do for remainder of your children's life. The better you co-parent, the more emotionally healthy your children will be. It will teach them valuable lessons in how to interact with other people, even somebody who has differences. Your children will have higher self-esteem, be happier, have a more optimistic outlook, and have more friendships. There is a much higher likelihood they will be more well-adapted and flexible.
For more articles on co-parenting or separation/divorce, click on the links below:
Blended Family? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts
Susan Epstein, Parenting Coach
Peaceful Divorce
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Friday, August 27, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Love is Not Always Enough - My Stepfamily Experience
People often want to know about my experiences in a stepfamily. I have experiences as both a child and an adult in a stepfamily, but this post is only about my adult stepfamily experience.
I noticed many red flags before we moved in together, but I firmly believed everything changes. One can never know in what way something will change, for good or worse. Plus, I believed we can make our relationship work if we really loved each other and were both willing to work on it. I still believe in these things, but I now understand important underlying principles - what kinds of changes occur in stepfamilies and the depths of what it means to work on any relationship, specifically a stepfamily.
Simply put, I became involved in a dysfunctional family. They were dysfunctional before I fell in love, but I did not realize it until we were living together. In truth, I didn't *get* the full picture until after we broke up.
Here are a few of the bigger issues we faced: 1) My ex did not legally divorce the mother of his children. 2) She was unemployed for a long time, thus leaning on us financially. She found a job making more money than the combined income of my ex and me; yet, she still struggled to keep the utilities on and the mortgage up to date. We helped her many times. 3) She was Clinically Depressed (although not formally diagnosed) and suicidal. 4) She frequented bars or went out regularly, thus relinquishing motherly duties to my ex and myself a lot. 5) Both my ex and the mother of his children, as well as several friends in their circle, got high from marijuana a lot. Several of them did that daily. My ex got high 3-5 times/week on average. 6) My step children were rarely disciplined at all. This was due to guilt and each parent sharing the role of the Holiday Parent. Informal custody was switched from his mother to us after only a few months of our cohabitation. Naturally, they resented any discipline from me. 7) My ex was Co-Dependent! Finally, but not least 8) My ex changed his mind about having more children. Later, I lost respect for his inability to "parent" (AKA discipline); I no longer wanted to have children with him, even after he changed his mind again. He changed his mind a few more times, but I think it was to persuade me to stay.
Many indirect obstacles resulted from each of the above macro problems. Numerous arguments and unhealthy interaction abounded. Through all of these ordeals, there was no doubt of my love for him. I was whole-heartedly in love with him and would have done anything for him. Inside, he was still the same sweet, funny, intelligent man I fell in love with. He was the type of person who would help anybody, like the time we stopped so he could help a stranger change a tire. His friends were supremely loyal because each could site a list of ways he helped them. He loved kids and they loved spending time with him. He loved with a heart of a child and knew how to have a good time sober. He appreciated all animals. He saved a crippled bird from the neighborhood cat and we nursed it to health 'til it could fly. Yet, he didn't truly like himself. He didn't think he was worth loving. Nothing I could do could make him happy. That hurt me immensely, to the depth of my being. After 7, I lost count how many times we broke up and got back together.
Eventually, my internal desire to be whole - sane - triumphed over my genuine love for him. After living together for 2 1/2 years, and being in a relationship with him for 3 1/2 years, I knew it was time for me to leave. My sanity was at stake. My relationship with my family was strained because they couldn't understand why I chose to stay for so long. After I moved to another state, we were going to give it another try. We felt more resolute than ever to work harder at fixing the problems and were excited about him moving down to Florida, my new state of residence. After 1 year, I realized nothing changed - only the geography. The same problems existed. The ultimate termination of that relationship was when he realized on his own terms that he could not leave his children and wouldn't be able to bring the youngest with him. The eldest 2 were in college.
I conscientiously decided to stay as long as I did. Therefore, I have no regrets for not leaving sooner. However, I wouldn't recommend anybody staying in an unhealthy situation such as this. Once it is determined to be unhealthy, you've tried as best you can to intervene or bring awareness of the unhealthy situation, and you realize there is nothing more you can do to influence positive change, then it is in the best interest of your spiritual well-being to leave.
Coming Soon: a post on the 5 phases of Change. Change is possible regardless of age, gender, religion, and social standing.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Repairing and building relationships in step families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
I noticed many red flags before we moved in together, but I firmly believed everything changes. One can never know in what way something will change, for good or worse. Plus, I believed we can make our relationship work if we really loved each other and were both willing to work on it. I still believe in these things, but I now understand important underlying principles - what kinds of changes occur in stepfamilies and the depths of what it means to work on any relationship, specifically a stepfamily.
Simply put, I became involved in a dysfunctional family. They were dysfunctional before I fell in love, but I did not realize it until we were living together. In truth, I didn't *get* the full picture until after we broke up.
Here are a few of the bigger issues we faced: 1) My ex did not legally divorce the mother of his children. 2) She was unemployed for a long time, thus leaning on us financially. She found a job making more money than the combined income of my ex and me; yet, she still struggled to keep the utilities on and the mortgage up to date. We helped her many times. 3) She was Clinically Depressed (although not formally diagnosed) and suicidal. 4) She frequented bars or went out regularly, thus relinquishing motherly duties to my ex and myself a lot. 5) Both my ex and the mother of his children, as well as several friends in their circle, got high from marijuana a lot. Several of them did that daily. My ex got high 3-5 times/week on average. 6) My step children were rarely disciplined at all. This was due to guilt and each parent sharing the role of the Holiday Parent. Informal custody was switched from his mother to us after only a few months of our cohabitation. Naturally, they resented any discipline from me. 7) My ex was Co-Dependent! Finally, but not least 8) My ex changed his mind about having more children. Later, I lost respect for his inability to "parent" (AKA discipline); I no longer wanted to have children with him, even after he changed his mind again. He changed his mind a few more times, but I think it was to persuade me to stay.
Many indirect obstacles resulted from each of the above macro problems. Numerous arguments and unhealthy interaction abounded. Through all of these ordeals, there was no doubt of my love for him. I was whole-heartedly in love with him and would have done anything for him. Inside, he was still the same sweet, funny, intelligent man I fell in love with. He was the type of person who would help anybody, like the time we stopped so he could help a stranger change a tire. His friends were supremely loyal because each could site a list of ways he helped them. He loved kids and they loved spending time with him. He loved with a heart of a child and knew how to have a good time sober. He appreciated all animals. He saved a crippled bird from the neighborhood cat and we nursed it to health 'til it could fly. Yet, he didn't truly like himself. He didn't think he was worth loving. Nothing I could do could make him happy. That hurt me immensely, to the depth of my being. After 7, I lost count how many times we broke up and got back together.
Eventually, my internal desire to be whole - sane - triumphed over my genuine love for him. After living together for 2 1/2 years, and being in a relationship with him for 3 1/2 years, I knew it was time for me to leave. My sanity was at stake. My relationship with my family was strained because they couldn't understand why I chose to stay for so long. After I moved to another state, we were going to give it another try. We felt more resolute than ever to work harder at fixing the problems and were excited about him moving down to Florida, my new state of residence. After 1 year, I realized nothing changed - only the geography. The same problems existed. The ultimate termination of that relationship was when he realized on his own terms that he could not leave his children and wouldn't be able to bring the youngest with him. The eldest 2 were in college.
I conscientiously decided to stay as long as I did. Therefore, I have no regrets for not leaving sooner. However, I wouldn't recommend anybody staying in an unhealthy situation such as this. Once it is determined to be unhealthy, you've tried as best you can to intervene or bring awareness of the unhealthy situation, and you realize there is nothing more you can do to influence positive change, then it is in the best interest of your spiritual well-being to leave.
Coming Soon: a post on the 5 phases of Change. Change is possible regardless of age, gender, religion, and social standing.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Repairing and building relationships in step families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Forgiveness is repetitive not solitary
Forgiveness is a must for anybody to have a healthy spirit. It is not a one-time action. It is repetitive. It should be sincere and come from the heart. It is a must in a healthy stepfamily.
Each member of a stepfamily needs to forgive. Parents would benefit by forgiving their ex-spouses, their childrens' other parent. This will make a huge impact on the emotional health of your children. If you feel negative emotions toward your ex, it could affect your ability to effectively co-parent. Even if you try guarding against it, it is likely that your true feelings will be reflected in your words or mannerisms when speaking about your children's other parent. Because children identify themselves as a part of both their parents, they are likely to internalize both positive and negative commentary. If you profess warm forgiving thoughts, your children will also learn how to be warm and forgiving.
Likewise, each of us need to forgive the other stepfamily members. Most people have good intentions; or at the least, they have neutral intentions. In other words, most people do not say or do things with the goal of annoying or manipulating another person. They just don't know the best way to say what's on their mind or handle various situations. People can't read minds and are generally unaware of other's emotional aura. Everybody is human and doing the best they can to handle daily stress. Forgiveness should be given to spouses, step/siblings, step/parents, and step/children.
I wish I could say it would be enough to just do this today - now. However, we are all human. Humans are fallible by nature. Hence, as much as we try to do the right thing, we will screw up again. Hence, we each need to be ready to forgive again, and again, and again.
Sincerity is a necessary element of forgiveness. Apologies without sincerity lacks the intention of avoiding the same mistake in the future. Recipients of apologies that are perceived to be insincere may feel gullible. If this is the case, it is imperative to keep in mind that forgiveness has the most profound effect on yourself - the forgiver. Fostering good interpersonal relationships is secondary. This topic will be discussed further in a different post.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Each member of a stepfamily needs to forgive. Parents would benefit by forgiving their ex-spouses, their childrens' other parent. This will make a huge impact on the emotional health of your children. If you feel negative emotions toward your ex, it could affect your ability to effectively co-parent. Even if you try guarding against it, it is likely that your true feelings will be reflected in your words or mannerisms when speaking about your children's other parent. Because children identify themselves as a part of both their parents, they are likely to internalize both positive and negative commentary. If you profess warm forgiving thoughts, your children will also learn how to be warm and forgiving.
Likewise, each of us need to forgive the other stepfamily members. Most people have good intentions; or at the least, they have neutral intentions. In other words, most people do not say or do things with the goal of annoying or manipulating another person. They just don't know the best way to say what's on their mind or handle various situations. People can't read minds and are generally unaware of other's emotional aura. Everybody is human and doing the best they can to handle daily stress. Forgiveness should be given to spouses, step/siblings, step/parents, and step/children.
I wish I could say it would be enough to just do this today - now. However, we are all human. Humans are fallible by nature. Hence, as much as we try to do the right thing, we will screw up again. Hence, we each need to be ready to forgive again, and again, and again.
Sincerity is a necessary element of forgiveness. Apologies without sincerity lacks the intention of avoiding the same mistake in the future. Recipients of apologies that are perceived to be insincere may feel gullible. If this is the case, it is imperative to keep in mind that forgiveness has the most profound effect on yourself - the forgiver. Fostering good interpersonal relationships is secondary. This topic will be discussed further in a different post.
Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
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