I didn’t write a new Mission Statement or a memo but it was a Jerry Maguire moment. In the wee hours of the morning, not able to fall back to sleep, I became my mom’s daughter again. My conscious and subconscious came together; in a touchy-feely minute, I reaffirmed my reasons for starting Sensible Steps, LLC.
To date, the best compliment I ever received is when a client told me I was helping him to become a better person through my coaching. That comment in itself inspires me to continue. But that doesn’t explain why I started my company. I want to save other couples from making the same mistakes I did. I would like couples who are truly in love to be able to resolve challenges that are pulling them apart. Little is understood about the uniqueness of stepfamilies. People fall back on what they know – first families. For the half of first families who fail, their skills in healthy relationships may be lacking (something). Or maybe they are in the relationship for the wrong reason, or the wrong time. Whatever the reason, the baggage that comes with break-ups makes the next relationship more challenging, whether the baggage is emotional, an ex-spouse, or children. It helps to talk to somebody who knows how to work through those issues, or at least understand what you went through. It would’ve helped me and my (now) ex-boyfriend.
After I moved south, we were going to make one last effort to make “us” work. I started educating myself on stepfamilies and became a Certified Stepfamily Coach through The Stepfamily Foundation. He was planning on relocating to be with me. Naturally, I had hoped he’d bring his son with him. That’s another story.
We still had many issues to work through, aside from stepfamily issues. I made it clear that they had to come first. Part of my task was separating our problems into 2 categories: step-related problems and other. The “other” things were pretty major. He had not legally divorced his wife for starters. “I’m psychologically divorced,” he would tell me, “so why should the courts tell me I am? How dare they tell me how to raise my son in those mandatory classes?” This argument sounded absurd to everybody except him. From a clinical perspective, it is a cover-up – a cop-out. That piece of paper represented the very things he couldn’t handle – failure as a husband, father, Catholic – as a person. He criticized me, my sisters, and others who got “divorced”. He perpetuated its stigma. His co-dependency was another HUGE issue. I wasn’t able to pinpoint that until after I left. (I guess the forest was too thick to see through the trees.) I was not the right person to help him understand and overcome that. Even if I was, he was not ready. The final HUGE issue was discipline. His son needed to be held accountable for obeying rules. I got to the point of not caring what the rules were, as long as my ex could enforce them. (Truly, I told him the rules could be as absurd as a 2 AM bed-time on a school night, as long as he could enforce it.) His deep-seated fear, guilt, and resentment affected him in major ways. In order to have a healthy relationship, he would need to like himself again. Finally, there was his marijuana use. I wasn’t sure what I’d do about that. But, if we could get past everything else, I rationalized a new environment and new friends may be a positive influence. Needless to say, all of that was too tall an order and he was not willing to seek professional guidance. We ended the trial about 1 year after I left OH.
Among other things, I was concerned for his youngest son. Even though we never became a cohesive family, we had grown accustomed to each other. I knew his son relied on me to fix him something to eat when he came home from school and ensure he had clean clothes to wear to school. Plus, he didn’t like being alone. He knew he could rely on me. I knew the effects of serial relationships on children. Another separation would increase his chances of getting divorced when he matures. It would probably mean more unhealthy relationships, possibly even with friends. On the other hand, his father and I didn’t have a healthy relationship anyway. I had hoped we’d be able to figure it out though. At the least, he should know that his father and I truly loved each other and earnestly tried to make it work. Each of us did the best we could, but it wasn’t good enough.
Thinking about all of this made me realize (again) the importance of being in a respectful supportive environment that helps you to thrive… encourage you to improve… take chances because somebody will be there to help you up if you fall… listen to you… make you feel needed and wanted. In romantic or familial relationships, Love is also important, but not necessary or practical in step family relationships.
This - a healthy home environment – is what I desire for all families. Statistically, there are more stepfamilies than first families. Roughly 25% (depending on varying sources) stay together. Of those, it is said to take an average of 7-10 years before the step members feel comfortable as a stepfamily – to feel somewhat cohesive. These are scary statistics when you think about it. Factor in the prevalence of other common social problems (learning disabilities, behavioral disorders, addiction, depression, adultery, unemployment), and it stands to reason there would be an overlap. To wit, there is a high percentage of stepfamilies dealing with common social problems and trying to stay together – and stay sane. The odds of making it are not in their favor. At the least, I am striving to improve the odds. At most, I am instilling peace and fostering healthy home environments, one stepfamily at a time.
Being in an unhealthy relationship can kill you – on the inside – your spirit – that which makes you “you”. It could be a slow death. A few possible effects are depression, numbness, addiction, bitterness, anger, feeling of being a victim, resentment. A person who dies on the inside is incapable of loving others. That person has lost sight of the joys of life – of what is good and meaningful. Think of how that would affect this person’s parenting or work performance. Children or co-workers would be exposed to this person’s drab demeanor. Instead of spreading contagious smiles or laughter, they would bring people down. We all know somebody we try to avoid because they are not happy… and those we can’t help but to like because they make us laugh, act silly, or are just plain nice.
Simply put, I have an opportunity to make the world brighter. Smiling and listening to people is only one way. God gave me a gift. Not only do I truly like people, especially kids, but I enjoy getting to know them. God also gave me the gift of my experiences, even the painful ones, to learn from. That is why I passionately want to be a Stepfamily Coach.
Not all stepfamilies are the same. Each one is special in its own way. Therefore, one approach will not work with them all. Luckily, there are many Stepfamily Professionals to choose from. Thank goodness most stepfamilies don’t experience the level of dysfunction of mine! A few are worse, but most are milder. My history gives me a broader spectrum of family situations I can address. I know how it feels to constantly be an outsider instead of an insider to your new family. I know what it is like to feel totally alone… to not have anybody who understands what you’re going through… to not have anybody to confide in… to still want to make the most of your situation… still want to do the right thing, but be torn… afraid to get too close to the kids to save them agony if it doesn’t work out… feel frustrated because everything is out of your control… to genuinely care for people who don’t understand you and are not willing to try. I want to give people in this situation a way out – freedom – a way to regain control (real and perceived) – empowerment. Doing that for even one person or family is personally rewarding.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I am not a Victim
Once again, I was moved to tears by thinking of my last long-term relationship – my stepfamily experience as an adult. The word “mind-fuck” came to me. That’s exactly what happened – in a word. It’s been a long time since I thought of that word to describe the 2 ½ year experience. I went through a long spiritual process of forgiving everybody, including myself, and ridding myself of all resentment. This word had slipped from my thoughts until about an hour ago.
I woke up from a dream and couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind drifted to the book I’m going to write of that ordeal. The memories brought me to tears. The termination of that relationship was 2 years and 9 months ago, and it still affects me. I guess the scar doesn’t go away. Maybe it never will. The majority of the time, I am not affected and live life like an average happy person. I love to laugh, have a good time, enjoy new experiences, and the company of good friends. As long as I don’t *really* think of specific incidents during those years, all is status quo. However, I decided to write this book and now I can’t escape the memories. I think about what words I’ll use and how to describe the details without boring the reader. Mostly, how do I convey how it felt – to me - when I went through it?
The one thing I want people to realize more than anything else is I AM NOT A VICTIM! I WAS NEVER A VICTIM! I chose to be in that situation and I chose to stay. In spite of the pain, I don’t regret staying as long as I did. Nor do I regret making the decision to leave when I did. The timing was right for me to leave. I believe I would have lost my sanity if I had stayed longer. I am on peaceful terms with those decisions. Yet, that doesn’t alleviate the pain of being hurt the way I was.
I was not physically abused. Nobody called me horrible names (my ex-boyfriend’s ex aside). I was not otherwise demeaned or insulted – not in any outwardly mean way. Instead, I was constantly criticized for everything I said and did. Everything I did was wrong – because it was not the Ohio way, or not *their* way. They had this false sense that they knew the best way to do everything – and that all other ways should be changed… as if different was inferior. They thought that Cleveland water was the best in the country! LOL My way of doing things, and my perspective on most topics, did not make sense to them. They deemed me crazy and always kept me as an outsider. I was constantly defending myself, for even meaningless stuff like drinking bottled water and not believing that pets should be buried in a box/container (non biodegradable containers is like littering and not good for the earth). I understood that and didn’t expect much else from my ex’s family. What hurt the most is that he – the one person who should always have my back - shared their viewpoints.
Society gives the step parent such a hard time because we knew what we were getting into. We signed up for being a guardian to other people’s kids and the whole nine yards. True. Bio parents should be held to the same standard. My ex signed up to be with me – all of me. He liked and admired my *different* viewpoints when we were dating. I’m sure that was part of his attraction to me, as it was part of my attraction to him. So when he of all people never defended me to his family, it hurt my feelings very deeply. By not defending me, he agreed with them. I only mention a couple examples, but there are at least a few dozen more.
That alone didn’t create the mind-fuck. That’s tougher to explain. He essentially lived a lie every day we were together. He lived the lie so well that he made me believe it too. We talked numerous times. In every way I knew how, I tried to make him understand what how difficult things were for me. I made suggestions of things to change in an attempt for us to both be happy together (win-win). He resented the notion of changing on principal. He asked me why should he have to change and how could I ask him to? My answer was why should I be the only one to change? Should I only make dinner for myself? Should I not wash his son’s clothes? Those are changes I willingly made. I resented the notion that I should be the ONLY person to have to change. Why shouldn’t he change? I did… willingly.
Aside from that, most of the time he acted very understanding. He would hold my hand very tenderly, look into my eyes, and very sweetly tell me he loved me, that he understood, and that he would try harder. He made me believe it. Early in our relationship, he made me believe that he wanted to have kids with me. He continued making me believe that long after he changed his mind. Again, he told me what I wanted to hear. Maybe he was the best damn liar ever. That’s what I told the marriage counselor we saw to help us resolve issues and stay together. But, that thought nagged at me because he never came across as somebody who would intentionally hurt another person. On the contrary, he would give the shirt off his back to help a stranger. People who know him well will agree with me.
The mind-fuck didn’t stop at that. Nope. Everybody we knew wanted us to break up. Each of them had their own reason. Unbeknownst to me, a few of them were plotting behind our backs. One went through my phone text messages. People eavesdropped on me. Things I said were turned against me. Exaggerations of the truth and outright lies were told to my ex. I still don’t know most of what was said. One of the stories was the result of 2 people going through all of my personals – drawers, boxes, pictures, etc. All I knew is that he had a difficult time trusting me. For a long time, I blamed it on his ex for cheating on him. The few things I did hear, I confronted my ex. I was truthful. I had nothing to hide, so telling the truth was a no-brainer. He said he believed me, and I believed that he believed me. But, hearing the lies from multiple sources nagged at him and made him question everything – and doubt me. How could he possibly think any of those people knew me better than he did? I wasn’t chummy with them – or anybody. My closest friends were still in AZ. Even phone conversations with them – close personal friends in another state - were turned against me somehow. And, the so-called friends I had in OH turned out to be talking shit about me behind my back. Several things of mine were stolen, a few of which were returned, over the course of the couple years, including $50 out of my purse (2 months before I left).
At the time I left OH, I was paranoid to speak in my own home. I always wanted to look over my shoulder (literally and metaphorically) to see if somebody was eavesdropping. I was leery about talking to anybody. I didn’t know who to trust. The feeling was constant – followed me everywhere I went. You would think this would automatically go away after being in a different environment, but it didn’t. It took me the better part of a few years and a ton of soul-searching to feel comfortable sharing anything personal with anybody – even things remotely personal.
I guess it’s good that I didn’t know the extent of what people were doing behind my back and what they were saying. Similarly, I’m glad I didn’t find out the worst of it until I was ready to leave. Otherwise, I may have decided to leave earlier, or may have gone insane. It’s tough to say. As it is, I’m here and well. I love my life and wouldn’t change it for anything. I’ll never be able to say I didn’t learn anything. If anything, my life has been educational and emotionally adventuresome.
A few more words on not being a victim. It took a lot of time and effort for me to figure out how I contributed to the dysfunction. My state of mind when I entered the relationship had a lot to do with it, as well as the Law of Karma. I fully believe he had good intentions as I did. We were just clueless about how to handle step situations, and other things. Part of the problem was that we couldn’t see the forest through the trees. When I was there, I repeatedly re-evaluated the situation. Each time, I re-established my decision to stay. Others in similar situations may not have seen all the options or even have known they had options. Hence, some see themselves as a victim. If the choice is not conscientious, it is a choice nonetheless. I, on the other hand, conscientiously made the decision to stay, repeatedly, until I decided to leave. None of that makes the aftermath easier. I am a different person because of that experience – a better person. I chose to overcome it and learn from it. I also want others to benefit from it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
I woke up from a dream and couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind drifted to the book I’m going to write of that ordeal. The memories brought me to tears. The termination of that relationship was 2 years and 9 months ago, and it still affects me. I guess the scar doesn’t go away. Maybe it never will. The majority of the time, I am not affected and live life like an average happy person. I love to laugh, have a good time, enjoy new experiences, and the company of good friends. As long as I don’t *really* think of specific incidents during those years, all is status quo. However, I decided to write this book and now I can’t escape the memories. I think about what words I’ll use and how to describe the details without boring the reader. Mostly, how do I convey how it felt – to me - when I went through it?
The one thing I want people to realize more than anything else is I AM NOT A VICTIM! I WAS NEVER A VICTIM! I chose to be in that situation and I chose to stay. In spite of the pain, I don’t regret staying as long as I did. Nor do I regret making the decision to leave when I did. The timing was right for me to leave. I believe I would have lost my sanity if I had stayed longer. I am on peaceful terms with those decisions. Yet, that doesn’t alleviate the pain of being hurt the way I was.
I was not physically abused. Nobody called me horrible names (my ex-boyfriend’s ex aside). I was not otherwise demeaned or insulted – not in any outwardly mean way. Instead, I was constantly criticized for everything I said and did. Everything I did was wrong – because it was not the Ohio way, or not *their* way. They had this false sense that they knew the best way to do everything – and that all other ways should be changed… as if different was inferior. They thought that Cleveland water was the best in the country! LOL My way of doing things, and my perspective on most topics, did not make sense to them. They deemed me crazy and always kept me as an outsider. I was constantly defending myself, for even meaningless stuff like drinking bottled water and not believing that pets should be buried in a box/container (non biodegradable containers is like littering and not good for the earth). I understood that and didn’t expect much else from my ex’s family. What hurt the most is that he – the one person who should always have my back - shared their viewpoints.
Society gives the step parent such a hard time because we knew what we were getting into. We signed up for being a guardian to other people’s kids and the whole nine yards. True. Bio parents should be held to the same standard. My ex signed up to be with me – all of me. He liked and admired my *different* viewpoints when we were dating. I’m sure that was part of his attraction to me, as it was part of my attraction to him. So when he of all people never defended me to his family, it hurt my feelings very deeply. By not defending me, he agreed with them. I only mention a couple examples, but there are at least a few dozen more.
That alone didn’t create the mind-fuck. That’s tougher to explain. He essentially lived a lie every day we were together. He lived the lie so well that he made me believe it too. We talked numerous times. In every way I knew how, I tried to make him understand what how difficult things were for me. I made suggestions of things to change in an attempt for us to both be happy together (win-win). He resented the notion of changing on principal. He asked me why should he have to change and how could I ask him to? My answer was why should I be the only one to change? Should I only make dinner for myself? Should I not wash his son’s clothes? Those are changes I willingly made. I resented the notion that I should be the ONLY person to have to change. Why shouldn’t he change? I did… willingly.
Aside from that, most of the time he acted very understanding. He would hold my hand very tenderly, look into my eyes, and very sweetly tell me he loved me, that he understood, and that he would try harder. He made me believe it. Early in our relationship, he made me believe that he wanted to have kids with me. He continued making me believe that long after he changed his mind. Again, he told me what I wanted to hear. Maybe he was the best damn liar ever. That’s what I told the marriage counselor we saw to help us resolve issues and stay together. But, that thought nagged at me because he never came across as somebody who would intentionally hurt another person. On the contrary, he would give the shirt off his back to help a stranger. People who know him well will agree with me.
The mind-fuck didn’t stop at that. Nope. Everybody we knew wanted us to break up. Each of them had their own reason. Unbeknownst to me, a few of them were plotting behind our backs. One went through my phone text messages. People eavesdropped on me. Things I said were turned against me. Exaggerations of the truth and outright lies were told to my ex. I still don’t know most of what was said. One of the stories was the result of 2 people going through all of my personals – drawers, boxes, pictures, etc. All I knew is that he had a difficult time trusting me. For a long time, I blamed it on his ex for cheating on him. The few things I did hear, I confronted my ex. I was truthful. I had nothing to hide, so telling the truth was a no-brainer. He said he believed me, and I believed that he believed me. But, hearing the lies from multiple sources nagged at him and made him question everything – and doubt me. How could he possibly think any of those people knew me better than he did? I wasn’t chummy with them – or anybody. My closest friends were still in AZ. Even phone conversations with them – close personal friends in another state - were turned against me somehow. And, the so-called friends I had in OH turned out to be talking shit about me behind my back. Several things of mine were stolen, a few of which were returned, over the course of the couple years, including $50 out of my purse (2 months before I left).
At the time I left OH, I was paranoid to speak in my own home. I always wanted to look over my shoulder (literally and metaphorically) to see if somebody was eavesdropping. I was leery about talking to anybody. I didn’t know who to trust. The feeling was constant – followed me everywhere I went. You would think this would automatically go away after being in a different environment, but it didn’t. It took me the better part of a few years and a ton of soul-searching to feel comfortable sharing anything personal with anybody – even things remotely personal.
I guess it’s good that I didn’t know the extent of what people were doing behind my back and what they were saying. Similarly, I’m glad I didn’t find out the worst of it until I was ready to leave. Otherwise, I may have decided to leave earlier, or may have gone insane. It’s tough to say. As it is, I’m here and well. I love my life and wouldn’t change it for anything. I’ll never be able to say I didn’t learn anything. If anything, my life has been educational and emotionally adventuresome.
A few more words on not being a victim. It took a lot of time and effort for me to figure out how I contributed to the dysfunction. My state of mind when I entered the relationship had a lot to do with it, as well as the Law of Karma. I fully believe he had good intentions as I did. We were just clueless about how to handle step situations, and other things. Part of the problem was that we couldn’t see the forest through the trees. When I was there, I repeatedly re-evaluated the situation. Each time, I re-established my decision to stay. Others in similar situations may not have seen all the options or even have known they had options. Hence, some see themselves as a victim. If the choice is not conscientious, it is a choice nonetheless. I, on the other hand, conscientiously made the decision to stay, repeatedly, until I decided to leave. None of that makes the aftermath easier. I am a different person because of that experience – a better person. I chose to overcome it and learn from it. I also want others to benefit from it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Adult Children of Divorce Learn how to Love from Television
Adult children of divorce have the toughest time having healthy relationships as an adult. Because their parents divorced, they were unable to see what a healthy marriage looks and feels like, unless of course either parent remarried and stayed married. Instead of learning how to have a long and lasting marriage, they learn how to argue, stonewall, criticize, manipulate, or any number of things, and finally to give up. On the reverse side, many learn that arguing is bad or wrong and avoid confrontation at all costs, to the point of avoiding any discussion due to fear it may turn into an argument.
They look other places to learn about love and relationships. Without healthy role models in real life, they get their ideals from tv or the big screen. Television dramatizes and sensationalizes everything for the sake of entertainment. Even the true stories are exaggerated or fictionalized for the screen. Girls grow up hoping, and expecting, to have a knight in shining armor sweep them off their feet. Many dream and plan their wedding long before they meet "the one". Boys grow up wanting to be a John Wayne, James Bond, Westley from Princess Bride, or Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) in Pretty Woman.
Many others grow up believing there is no such thing as true love, or any good relationship. Some scoff at having long-term relationships. Some have serial monogamous relationships. While others constantly play the field and never enter monogamous relationships. A commonality in all of these relationships is an unrealistic view of serious relationships and marriage.
Statistically speaking, adults whose family divorced as a child tend to divorce more often than adults whose parents are still together. Adults of a divorced family are also much more likely to be, or stay, in unhealthy relationships too long. They don't know how to choose the right person or how to recognize a healthy relationship. As a result, they stay in unhealthy relationships too long or quit at the drop of a hat without giving all their effort. Or are they not giving all their effort? It's likely they gave everything they knew how to give, but the problem is they never learned how to have a healthy relationship.
Choosing the right mate, communicating without arguing, realistic expectations, and other aspects of healthy relationships are not common sense. They have to be learned. Subsequently, I choose to not criticize people who get divorced. Many of them are truly in unhealthy situations. Many tried everything they knew to do and went out of their way to resolve underlying issues before giving up on the marriage. Many don't even realize they have unrealistic views of marriage. Nor do they know how to surmount the fear inside them - fear of losing the love of their life, of not ever finding the right "one", or getting divorced, of pain, commitment, etc.
If you are an adult child of divorce, I urge you to take the time to find and observe couples who have been happily married for many years, particularly the older generation, but couples of generation X as well. Read books or articles and hang out with other couples who seem to be happy.
If you like this post, you may like these articles as well:
People and Relationships: Happy Relationships Are Contagious
Why So Many Marriages Fail
Love is Not Always Enough
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
They look other places to learn about love and relationships. Without healthy role models in real life, they get their ideals from tv or the big screen. Television dramatizes and sensationalizes everything for the sake of entertainment. Even the true stories are exaggerated or fictionalized for the screen. Girls grow up hoping, and expecting, to have a knight in shining armor sweep them off their feet. Many dream and plan their wedding long before they meet "the one". Boys grow up wanting to be a John Wayne, James Bond, Westley from Princess Bride, or Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) in Pretty Woman.
Many others grow up believing there is no such thing as true love, or any good relationship. Some scoff at having long-term relationships. Some have serial monogamous relationships. While others constantly play the field and never enter monogamous relationships. A commonality in all of these relationships is an unrealistic view of serious relationships and marriage.
Statistically speaking, adults whose family divorced as a child tend to divorce more often than adults whose parents are still together. Adults of a divorced family are also much more likely to be, or stay, in unhealthy relationships too long. They don't know how to choose the right person or how to recognize a healthy relationship. As a result, they stay in unhealthy relationships too long or quit at the drop of a hat without giving all their effort. Or are they not giving all their effort? It's likely they gave everything they knew how to give, but the problem is they never learned how to have a healthy relationship.
Choosing the right mate, communicating without arguing, realistic expectations, and other aspects of healthy relationships are not common sense. They have to be learned. Subsequently, I choose to not criticize people who get divorced. Many of them are truly in unhealthy situations. Many tried everything they knew to do and went out of their way to resolve underlying issues before giving up on the marriage. Many don't even realize they have unrealistic views of marriage. Nor do they know how to surmount the fear inside them - fear of losing the love of their life, of not ever finding the right "one", or getting divorced, of pain, commitment, etc.
If you are an adult child of divorce, I urge you to take the time to find and observe couples who have been happily married for many years, particularly the older generation, but couples of generation X as well. Read books or articles and hang out with other couples who seem to be happy.
If you like this post, you may like these articles as well:
People and Relationships: Happy Relationships Are Contagious
Why So Many Marriages Fail
Love is Not Always Enough
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Frenemies in Step Families
Recently, I heard an old podcast of "This American Life" about Frenemies. It basically represents a relationship between two people who can be considered a friend or an enemy depending on the day and current perspective. It either changes between the 2 perspectives frequently or the participants have a difficult time figuring out what they are to begin with. I recommend listening to the podcast if you have the time. I admit it was the first time I heard the term, but it made sense as soon as they explained it. This phenomena is very common although it seems counter-intuitive. The podcast explained there is a science behind people's internal desire to hold onto these relationships, even if they may be unhealthy at times. I realized I had a few frenemies in my history as well.
It got me thinking about possible frenemy relationships in stepfamilies. For example, are BioMoms and StepMoms frenemies? How about ex-spouses? I say I'm friends with my ex-husband, but we don't hang out together and rarely talk on the phone anymore. Plus, I have a few friends who have what I've always called a love-hate relationship with their parents, and sometimes other friends. One day, they are helping each other out, expressing their love and concern, and being supportive. The next day they are saying they hate each other and never want to talk to each other again. Yet, they still talk over the phone frequently, almost daily.
It's been theorized by a few that the friends I'm referring to in these love-hate relationships are bi-polar. I think they are just frenemies. I think their bi-polar attitude is learned from their parents. If your mom tells kicks you out of your house and tells you she never wants to see you or talk to you again... and then shortly thereafter acts as if nothing ever happened, and treats you lovingly... and then the following week, she gets mad and decides she hates you again only to do a 180 within a few days and acts like she loves you again... and on and on, back and forth... how can a child with this type of parent learn anything other than I love you and hate you? This child grows into an adult who treats their friends the same way. Only now, they are treated with drugs to control their bi-polar condition... or they go untreated. Either way, they still treat their friends the same way and wander why they are like that. Maybe it is just the science behind being a frenemy that is really the question.
I think people like to be challenged. They (We) like to stretch our mind and think about things on a deeper level. That is what frenemies do. I think we are internally drawn to keep these relationships because they are the catalyst for us learning more about ourselves. Like attracts like. We are drawn to people who we perceive to be similar to us or who possess traits we want to learn and acquire. Therefore, frenemies serve a purpose. Sometimes, they are family members whom we will always be connected to by blood. That blood bond is stronger than any other.
So, blood bonds aside, why do people hang on to frenemies? Who is the frenemy in your life? What purpose does he/she serve for you?
Some people hold onto their resentment and anger toward their ex-spouse. I've seen this in both men and women, so gender is not a factor; Although, women tend to be more outwardly emotional so it may be more obvious in women. The commitment of marriage is not to be taken lightly. Adult children of divorce can let it go easier and have less difficulty adjusting to divorce as an adult. Adults who have parents still in love and married to each other have a much tougher time agreeing to a divorce and forgiving their (ex)spouse for not trying to continue working on the marriage. I've witnessed these types holding on to their resentment for an unhealthy length of time. It permeates them and makes them bitter at most, unhappy at the least. It's as if the resentment grows like a snowball into anger and then a self-righteous reason to possess the unhealthy "attitude". All the while, they are claiming to be friends with their (ex)spouse - during and after the divorce process.
Maybe this is why some BioMoms try to sabotage the relationship between their ex-spouse and his new wife, StepMom to her kids. Maybe she is consciously or sub-consciously clutching at her resentment of the loss of her first family. Or, maybe she is in the category of people who can't figure out why her marriage broke up in the first place. I found that people who can't figure out the underlying reasons tend to replay events of the relationship over and over again in their mind. It's as if they internally are trying to understand what went wrong. People need closure. A symbiotic relationship with the ex is the best way to achieve closure. Absent that, they need to get closure any way they can.
Closure is necessary at the end of any relationship, whether between close friends, romantic boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, or family members who had a falling out. Verbally attaining closure from the other person in the relationship is not always possible. Writing a journal or letter you never mail is one way to achieve closure. It also helps a person to gain personal insight into the reason they were in the relationship or to their contribution to why it ended. It fosters understanding and a way to forgive.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
It got me thinking about possible frenemy relationships in stepfamilies. For example, are BioMoms and StepMoms frenemies? How about ex-spouses? I say I'm friends with my ex-husband, but we don't hang out together and rarely talk on the phone anymore. Plus, I have a few friends who have what I've always called a love-hate relationship with their parents, and sometimes other friends. One day, they are helping each other out, expressing their love and concern, and being supportive. The next day they are saying they hate each other and never want to talk to each other again. Yet, they still talk over the phone frequently, almost daily.
It's been theorized by a few that the friends I'm referring to in these love-hate relationships are bi-polar. I think they are just frenemies. I think their bi-polar attitude is learned from their parents. If your mom tells kicks you out of your house and tells you she never wants to see you or talk to you again... and then shortly thereafter acts as if nothing ever happened, and treats you lovingly... and then the following week, she gets mad and decides she hates you again only to do a 180 within a few days and acts like she loves you again... and on and on, back and forth... how can a child with this type of parent learn anything other than I love you and hate you? This child grows into an adult who treats their friends the same way. Only now, they are treated with drugs to control their bi-polar condition... or they go untreated. Either way, they still treat their friends the same way and wander why they are like that. Maybe it is just the science behind being a frenemy that is really the question.
I think people like to be challenged. They (We) like to stretch our mind and think about things on a deeper level. That is what frenemies do. I think we are internally drawn to keep these relationships because they are the catalyst for us learning more about ourselves. Like attracts like. We are drawn to people who we perceive to be similar to us or who possess traits we want to learn and acquire. Therefore, frenemies serve a purpose. Sometimes, they are family members whom we will always be connected to by blood. That blood bond is stronger than any other.
So, blood bonds aside, why do people hang on to frenemies? Who is the frenemy in your life? What purpose does he/she serve for you?
Some people hold onto their resentment and anger toward their ex-spouse. I've seen this in both men and women, so gender is not a factor; Although, women tend to be more outwardly emotional so it may be more obvious in women. The commitment of marriage is not to be taken lightly. Adult children of divorce can let it go easier and have less difficulty adjusting to divorce as an adult. Adults who have parents still in love and married to each other have a much tougher time agreeing to a divorce and forgiving their (ex)spouse for not trying to continue working on the marriage. I've witnessed these types holding on to their resentment for an unhealthy length of time. It permeates them and makes them bitter at most, unhappy at the least. It's as if the resentment grows like a snowball into anger and then a self-righteous reason to possess the unhealthy "attitude". All the while, they are claiming to be friends with their (ex)spouse - during and after the divorce process.
Maybe this is why some BioMoms try to sabotage the relationship between their ex-spouse and his new wife, StepMom to her kids. Maybe she is consciously or sub-consciously clutching at her resentment of the loss of her first family. Or, maybe she is in the category of people who can't figure out why her marriage broke up in the first place. I found that people who can't figure out the underlying reasons tend to replay events of the relationship over and over again in their mind. It's as if they internally are trying to understand what went wrong. People need closure. A symbiotic relationship with the ex is the best way to achieve closure. Absent that, they need to get closure any way they can.
Closure is necessary at the end of any relationship, whether between close friends, romantic boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, or family members who had a falling out. Verbally attaining closure from the other person in the relationship is not always possible. Writing a journal or letter you never mail is one way to achieve closure. It also helps a person to gain personal insight into the reason they were in the relationship or to their contribution to why it ended. It fosters understanding and a way to forgive.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Stepmoms Toolbox discussed Secrets of Stepfamily Success - Review
Gloria Lintermans is author of the book, The Secrets to Stepfamily Success. No, I have not had a chance to read it yet. I barely finished the last book, but plan to pick this one up very soon. I'm looking forward to it, in fact, especially after hearing her discussion on The Stepmoms Toolbox blog-talk radio.
The most significant point Gloria made was the importance of mourning the loss of the first family. Both children and parents need to expend the energy to do it in their own way. Gloria gave several phases of the grieving process. Per the chapters in her book, I'm looking forward to reading the details of how she was able to do this. I'm confident this grieving process can also be used in the situation of a death of a spouse (parent). Gloria has gone through that personally. One detrimental effect of children not properly mourning the loss of their first family is defiance or anger. Please keep this in mind if you have a child or stepchild acting out or being disobedient.
Another point Gloria discussed is about discipline. She advocates all parents and spouses, including step parents and ex-spouses, should communicate and co-parent together. They should all be cooperative and develop long-range goals. I couldn't agree with this more. I advocate this, too, and readily admit this is the most ideal way to build a healthy strong cohesive stepfamily. I was disappointed, though, that she didn't offer specific ways to accomplish this. It's likely she covers this in the book. I know from working with families clinically how difficult this can be. It's difficult enough for 1 set of parents to agree on discipline issues, yet alone 2 sets (4 parents). For these families, total agreement may seem impossible. Setting up household rules is a step in that direction. Be sure to include consequences for breaking the rules and any specific exceptions. Gloria didn't mention that tip directly, but later suggested to set age-appropriate limits or rules.
When asked about a situation in which a StepMom was involved with a non-cooperative BioMom, Gloria reiterated the need for all co-parents to work together. If BioMom has any mental illness, BioDad should petition the court for full custody. She admitted there is no good answer because chaos ensues without good co-parenting. I somewhat disagree. Yes, the answer is not an easy one. Giving an answer is remarkably easier than implementing any tools. Although petitioning the court for full custody has benefits and is possible, it is a very arduous process and likely to fuel tempers and increase arguments. It detracts from the children having easy access to both parents. Many of us already know the research expressing the developmental advantages of children with both parents. Plus, full custody is not practical or possible for all families.
The answer is related to setting boundaries for your family household - empowering yourselves with the right perspective. The right perspective is total acceptance of BioMom. You have no control over her and cannot change her if she doesn't want to change. This does not mean you have to play games. You and your spouse decide your limits of what you will and will not allow, what you will and will not do, and how far you will bend. You can do this and still treat BioMom with respect and courtesy. The biggest effect of total acceptance is the disappearance of resentment and anger. It is amazing how much more stable a once chaotic household can become once this is achieved. It's not quick and easy, but it can be done. All worthwhile goals take time and effort. This is one of them.
Gloria also discussed the higher divorce rate of stepfamilies. There is no consensus on the statistic because many cohabiting stepfamilies are not included in divorce stats when they separate. Some stats estimate this percentage, while others do not. I've seen the stat as high as 85% and low as 66%. Whichever stat is used, there is no mistake that 2nd families break up more frequently than first families. The percentage of stepfamilies that stick through the challenges estimate that it takes 7-10 years for them to feel comfortable with each other as a stepfamily.
The ladies on Stepmoms Toolbox are in successful stepfamilies and I'm very pleased for them. They commented that stepfamilies should "stick it out" because "it hurts but won't kill you." From my personal experience in a stepfamily, as well as a professional working with stepfamilies, I can not agree with this as a blanket statement. Many unhealthy behaviors and attitudes exist in the stepfamilies who break up. Unless these behaviors and attitudes are transformed into positives, maybe breaking up is better for these families. Maybe a few of them are dying - emotionally. Maybe they're changing into somebody they don't want to be. Maybe they are developing addictions in order to cope. There are many other maybe's. All of them are just more reasons to seek out a Stepfamily Professional. A professional may be able to reverse the negative trend into a positive. If not, at least a professional could provide a healthier perspective of the family's situation.
Several parents swear they will never marry or move in with somebody again because of how emotionally stressful the first situation was. That is the reason my mom decided to never remarry after divorcing my dad. I, too, felt that way when I first left my stepmom role. It took me a couple years to overcome that. What made the difference for me is understanding the dynamics of step and figuring out what could've been done differently to get different results. Through intensive soul-searching, I figured out how I had attracted a dysfunctional family. Now that I have finally found inner peace, I feel confident that I'll attract the right relationship/man when I'm ready. Our internal psyche leads us to others with a similar psyche, whether we realize it or not. Chapter Four of Gloria's book discusses remarrying the right people for the right reasons.
There is 1 final angle from the discussion I'd like to bring up. On the subject of a stepmom without children of her own coming into a stepfamily, Gloria's comments placed the burden of learning and adjusting on the stepmom. Because this blog-talk radio show is targeted to stepmoms, it's understandable why she didn't mention the biological dad. Still, it was an oversight to not urge her to confide in and lean more on her husband. This would only work if he also took the time and energy to learn about stepfamily dynamics and made a commitment to adjusting to their stepfamily *together*. These 2 people - Step Parent and Bio Parent - is the foundation of the stepfamily. The better they are at being a team increases the likelihood of becoming a healthy stepfamily.
On this same topic, Gloria imparted valuable insights. She mentioned the importance of learning new tools of parenting, admitting you don't know everything, are sometimes wrong, and have no desire to "replace" or be a better "Mom". I completely agree with all of these insights. I'd further extend this suggestion to the Bio Parent. Bio Parents sometimes get stuck in parenting a certain way, as if they always know best because they are the natural parent. This is not always the case. They are also human, which makes them fallible. Sometimes, their internal emotions of guilt or pride clouds their better judgment. Moreover, many single and joint parents fall into the "holiday parent" and lax on discipline. Little to no discipline by the Bio Parent translates to a tougher adjustment and more stress on a stepmom. A stepmom without children of her own is more acutely stressed when she is perceived to not know anything about parenting when in fact the Bio Dad is not disciplining appropriately. This is common in many households in which the step parent has no biological offspring.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
The most significant point Gloria made was the importance of mourning the loss of the first family. Both children and parents need to expend the energy to do it in their own way. Gloria gave several phases of the grieving process. Per the chapters in her book, I'm looking forward to reading the details of how she was able to do this. I'm confident this grieving process can also be used in the situation of a death of a spouse (parent). Gloria has gone through that personally. One detrimental effect of children not properly mourning the loss of their first family is defiance or anger. Please keep this in mind if you have a child or stepchild acting out or being disobedient.
Another point Gloria discussed is about discipline. She advocates all parents and spouses, including step parents and ex-spouses, should communicate and co-parent together. They should all be cooperative and develop long-range goals. I couldn't agree with this more. I advocate this, too, and readily admit this is the most ideal way to build a healthy strong cohesive stepfamily. I was disappointed, though, that she didn't offer specific ways to accomplish this. It's likely she covers this in the book. I know from working with families clinically how difficult this can be. It's difficult enough for 1 set of parents to agree on discipline issues, yet alone 2 sets (4 parents). For these families, total agreement may seem impossible. Setting up household rules is a step in that direction. Be sure to include consequences for breaking the rules and any specific exceptions. Gloria didn't mention that tip directly, but later suggested to set age-appropriate limits or rules.
When asked about a situation in which a StepMom was involved with a non-cooperative BioMom, Gloria reiterated the need for all co-parents to work together. If BioMom has any mental illness, BioDad should petition the court for full custody. She admitted there is no good answer because chaos ensues without good co-parenting. I somewhat disagree. Yes, the answer is not an easy one. Giving an answer is remarkably easier than implementing any tools. Although petitioning the court for full custody has benefits and is possible, it is a very arduous process and likely to fuel tempers and increase arguments. It detracts from the children having easy access to both parents. Many of us already know the research expressing the developmental advantages of children with both parents. Plus, full custody is not practical or possible for all families.
The answer is related to setting boundaries for your family household - empowering yourselves with the right perspective. The right perspective is total acceptance of BioMom. You have no control over her and cannot change her if she doesn't want to change. This does not mean you have to play games. You and your spouse decide your limits of what you will and will not allow, what you will and will not do, and how far you will bend. You can do this and still treat BioMom with respect and courtesy. The biggest effect of total acceptance is the disappearance of resentment and anger. It is amazing how much more stable a once chaotic household can become once this is achieved. It's not quick and easy, but it can be done. All worthwhile goals take time and effort. This is one of them.
Gloria also discussed the higher divorce rate of stepfamilies. There is no consensus on the statistic because many cohabiting stepfamilies are not included in divorce stats when they separate. Some stats estimate this percentage, while others do not. I've seen the stat as high as 85% and low as 66%. Whichever stat is used, there is no mistake that 2nd families break up more frequently than first families. The percentage of stepfamilies that stick through the challenges estimate that it takes 7-10 years for them to feel comfortable with each other as a stepfamily.
The ladies on Stepmoms Toolbox are in successful stepfamilies and I'm very pleased for them. They commented that stepfamilies should "stick it out" because "it hurts but won't kill you." From my personal experience in a stepfamily, as well as a professional working with stepfamilies, I can not agree with this as a blanket statement. Many unhealthy behaviors and attitudes exist in the stepfamilies who break up. Unless these behaviors and attitudes are transformed into positives, maybe breaking up is better for these families. Maybe a few of them are dying - emotionally. Maybe they're changing into somebody they don't want to be. Maybe they are developing addictions in order to cope. There are many other maybe's. All of them are just more reasons to seek out a Stepfamily Professional. A professional may be able to reverse the negative trend into a positive. If not, at least a professional could provide a healthier perspective of the family's situation.
Several parents swear they will never marry or move in with somebody again because of how emotionally stressful the first situation was. That is the reason my mom decided to never remarry after divorcing my dad. I, too, felt that way when I first left my stepmom role. It took me a couple years to overcome that. What made the difference for me is understanding the dynamics of step and figuring out what could've been done differently to get different results. Through intensive soul-searching, I figured out how I had attracted a dysfunctional family. Now that I have finally found inner peace, I feel confident that I'll attract the right relationship/man when I'm ready. Our internal psyche leads us to others with a similar psyche, whether we realize it or not. Chapter Four of Gloria's book discusses remarrying the right people for the right reasons.
There is 1 final angle from the discussion I'd like to bring up. On the subject of a stepmom without children of her own coming into a stepfamily, Gloria's comments placed the burden of learning and adjusting on the stepmom. Because this blog-talk radio show is targeted to stepmoms, it's understandable why she didn't mention the biological dad. Still, it was an oversight to not urge her to confide in and lean more on her husband. This would only work if he also took the time and energy to learn about stepfamily dynamics and made a commitment to adjusting to their stepfamily *together*. These 2 people - Step Parent and Bio Parent - is the foundation of the stepfamily. The better they are at being a team increases the likelihood of becoming a healthy stepfamily.
On this same topic, Gloria imparted valuable insights. She mentioned the importance of learning new tools of parenting, admitting you don't know everything, are sometimes wrong, and have no desire to "replace" or be a better "Mom". I completely agree with all of these insights. I'd further extend this suggestion to the Bio Parent. Bio Parents sometimes get stuck in parenting a certain way, as if they always know best because they are the natural parent. This is not always the case. They are also human, which makes them fallible. Sometimes, their internal emotions of guilt or pride clouds their better judgment. Moreover, many single and joint parents fall into the "holiday parent" and lax on discipline. Little to no discipline by the Bio Parent translates to a tougher adjustment and more stress on a stepmom. A stepmom without children of her own is more acutely stressed when she is perceived to not know anything about parenting when in fact the Bio Dad is not disciplining appropriately. This is common in many households in which the step parent has no biological offspring.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
Monday, October 4, 2010
New Format in Blog Entries for October
For the rest of this month, October, I am going to try something different. I am going to use this blog in a manner that is more closely related to its original intention - personal over professional. Instead of posting published articles here, and other formal entries, I am switching to more informal posts. I will still write on topics related to divorce and stepfamilies, but I will relate them to my personal experiences. In essence, I will be sharing the same views I always have as a Stepfamily Professional, but I will include insight into how I learned them, when they were learned from personal experience (as opposed to school or research).
Those of you who know me, know this is very difficult for me. It took me many years of training my brain to write academically. My target market was professors and other brainy professionals. Although my speaking style is such that people of all ages and backgrounds relate to me, my mind automatically shifts when I start to write. It is also very difficult for me to write about my personal experiences, as it is to talk about many of my experiences.
When I was young I remember wishing for an interesting life. I just didn't want my life to be monotonous and boring. I didn't really get what that meant. Now I do. It means really high highs and really low lows. That is how my life has been, particularly the last 10 years. Naturally, it is much easier to talk about the happy times rather than stressful times. However, it is the most challenging stressful experiences that has led to most of my insight about people. I truly have learned from all the experiences in my life, both good and bad. In fact, I am grateful for those experiences now, because they led me to finally having inner peace. That is something I never had thought possible. I was a tried and true agnostic for over 10 years after all. (I was raised Catholic, denounced Catholicism in my late teens, and lost my faith in God's existence in my mid 20's, before reacquiring faith early 2008).
You may be asking why I decided to change format to be more informal and personal. Words are freedom. That is what a friend of mine recently told me when I shared with him that I was talked me into writing a book. That's right. I decided to write a book about my experiences leading me to become a Stepfamily Coach. Because many of my experiences as a stepmom were stressful and evokes many emotions, it is going to be a daunting task to say the least. So, I joined NaNoWriMo, Arizona Phoenix Region, along with 1316 other people in the Phoenix area. NaNoWriMo advocates not editing as you write in order to let words and thoughts flow freely, which is counterintuitive to my academic training. That is how I plan to spend November - writing my book. This month will be a preliminary practice, so to speak, of sparking and releasing my emotions and creativity.
Wish me luck!
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Those of you who know me, know this is very difficult for me. It took me many years of training my brain to write academically. My target market was professors and other brainy professionals. Although my speaking style is such that people of all ages and backgrounds relate to me, my mind automatically shifts when I start to write. It is also very difficult for me to write about my personal experiences, as it is to talk about many of my experiences.
When I was young I remember wishing for an interesting life. I just didn't want my life to be monotonous and boring. I didn't really get what that meant. Now I do. It means really high highs and really low lows. That is how my life has been, particularly the last 10 years. Naturally, it is much easier to talk about the happy times rather than stressful times. However, it is the most challenging stressful experiences that has led to most of my insight about people. I truly have learned from all the experiences in my life, both good and bad. In fact, I am grateful for those experiences now, because they led me to finally having inner peace. That is something I never had thought possible. I was a tried and true agnostic for over 10 years after all. (I was raised Catholic, denounced Catholicism in my late teens, and lost my faith in God's existence in my mid 20's, before reacquiring faith early 2008).
You may be asking why I decided to change format to be more informal and personal. Words are freedom. That is what a friend of mine recently told me when I shared with him that I was talked me into writing a book. That's right. I decided to write a book about my experiences leading me to become a Stepfamily Coach. Because many of my experiences as a stepmom were stressful and evokes many emotions, it is going to be a daunting task to say the least. So, I joined NaNoWriMo, Arizona Phoenix Region, along with 1316 other people in the Phoenix area. NaNoWriMo advocates not editing as you write in order to let words and thoughts flow freely, which is counterintuitive to my academic training. That is how I plan to spend November - writing my book. This month will be a preliminary practice, so to speak, of sparking and releasing my emotions and creativity.
Wish me luck!
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
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