We all know we're supposed to give thanks today for everything we have, including our families. Obviously, this tradition is no different in stepfamilies. This is sometimes harder than what it seems, especially in stepfamilies. Every member of the stepfamily has gone through a great deal of transition which is more evident on holidays than any other day.
This is a day when everybody spends time with "family". "Family" is the key word. This is the one aspect of the holiday that has changed the most. Many people spend time thinking of how Thanksgiving "used to be". They think of old traditions that have gone by the wayside, traveling to see relatives, and the various memories on Thanksgiving Days that will never be forgotten - so and so's first turkey when she forgot to remove the giblets from the cavity (you know who you are - lol), falling in mud while walking outside and getting our beautiful dresses dirty, etc. These memories last a lifetime and will forever make us smile after the fact.
Many of us take these memories forgranted. It is one thing that is noticeably vacant in stepfamilies because they are borne out of separation - a breaking of tradition. The "family" is not intact anymore. The places and faces are different. The memories of past Thanksgiving Days are still there, but now they often bring sadness. Children, stepparents, and biological parents alike ALL mourn the loss of the old family. The loss often accompanies a breaking of traditions.
Sometimes it is difficult in thes situation to again enjoy the holiday. Therefore, I am going to offer a fresh perspective. First, remeber the old times with a smile. They are always just a thought away can remain as a treasure in our hearts. Secondly, concentrate on what is happening now. I suggest to not have specific expectations of how the day will go. Make the decision to enjoy the day regardless of what happens. Then, go with the flow! This is how new memories are created. New and different memories are vital in stepfamilies. Thirdly, I suggest to start a new tradition that seems to be completely different from past traditions. This is a new family and a new era; it is a time of new traditions.
Of course, if the majority of family members feel very attached to old traditions and do not want to omit it, by all means follow that tradition. ALSO, start a new tradition. Old traditions are ways of honoring the old family and family members in other households. New traditions are ways of creating new memories that will bind the stepfamily together in ways the old traditions have bound the original family together. The key to remember on all holidays, but especially on Thanksgiving when the family is the focal point, is to create memories. Memories and/or traditions is something that all groups of close-knit friends, as well as close-knit families, have.
As somebody who has been a stepmother, I have additional suggestions for stepmothers. First, don't try to be Supermom who does everything and is determined to make Thanksgiving Day perfect. You'll only spin your wheels for nothing because perfection doesn't exist. Take a breather and try to stay calm. Let the day evolve naturally. That's when the best memories are created. You'll be able to look back at the day and be thankful (pun intended) that you did. :-) Maintain a sense of humor. If something happens or something is said that bothers you, ignore it and don't take it personally. Visibly smile so everybody can see. For example, if one of your stepchildren comments about the food. Remember that he/she is only missing his/her mom's cooking - and the way it used to be. We all have a special affinity for how our moms cook. :-) In this circumstance, I suggest a comment such as, "I know your mom is an excellent cook. She'll be very happy to know that you miss her cooking." This not only acknowledges that you understand him/her, but it also puts his/her mom in a positive light, which will be highly regarded by everybody at the table.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
P.S. Since this is a day of thanks, I will add the things that I am most thankful for. First of all, I am very thankful that my Internet is connected long enough for me to post this. Secondly (or maybe this should be first), I am thankful that I was able to borrow my brother-in-law's computer since the Internet on my computer is interrupted every 7 seconds. Thirdly, I am thankful for my car that still takes me everywhere I need to go. It takes a licking and keeps on ticking. :-) Fourth, I'm thankful for the new friends that I met recently. It always feels good to know when you have impacted somebody in a positive way - and have similarly been impacted. Last, but not least, I'm thankful for my life. My life journey has been interesting to say the least. It's evident that it will remain interesting for a long time to come. :-)
PPS. Yes, I am very thankful for my family, but I didn't want to sound cliche. Plus, the 5 things I mentioned above are things we sometimes take forgranted, especially the Internet in this day and age. We all have so much more to be thankful for than what we often think about.
Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Different Rules; Different Households
A common problem faced by stepfamilies has to do with discipline across two separate households. Disciplining children is difficult in itself. No parent likes to discipline their children, but it’s a necessity in order to get the desired results – following the rules. You set up the rules in the first place because it is important for you to convey specific values, manners, and ways of behaving.
It takes a lot of work to consistently enforce the rules. Enforcing the rules sometimes means giving punishment or imposing restrictions that your child is less than happy about. Yet, you stick to your guns because you know it is the right thing to do. You know that it will make your child a better person – stronger, smarter, more well-rounded, more courteous, or the like. Because of that, and because you know it is temporary, you bear through the grumbling and resentment directed toward you. You know that he/she will eventually forgive you and your relationship will go back to normal – whatever “normal” is for you both.
Ahhh! You breathe a sigh of relief. Then your child spends some time at the other home – of the other biological parent. When he/she returns, he/she is behaving contradictory to what is acceptable by your standards. What is going on? You already spoke to him/her about the issue. You explained why it is wrong. Worst of all, now you have to punish him/her again. You set out to do your duty, which also includes yet another discussion of what is appropriate vs. non-appropriate behavior and why. When you finish your short lecture, your son/daughter innocently looks up at you and says, “But Dad (or Mom) lets me do it at his (her) house! I understand what you said, but I’m confused about why it’s wrong here and not there.”
Now what? Your heart jumps into your throat, making it hard to swallow. You feel your pulse quicken as your blood starts to boil. Your mind starts racing. What should you say? You know why it is wrong. It is very clear in your mind how the action went against the values you were trying to instill. You’re upset, or perhaps even furious, that you even have to deal with this. What on earth is the other biological parent thinking? How could he (she) possibly think this is OK? How could he (she) put me in this predicament? And what on earth am I supposed to say?
You think very hard. You know you should respect the other parent and shouldn’t say anything bad about him/her; but your thoughts of the other person are far from nice right now. You think even harder. Beads of sweat start to form on your forehead. Your child breaks the silence, “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If I can do it over there, it must not be wrong.” You don’t know how much time passed, but his statement jolts you back to reality. You have to say something and you have to say it now. But what?
The best thing to say is simple. “Every household has a different set of rules. In that house, what you did (name the act) may be fine, but in this house, it is against the rules. End of story.” Some children might just accept this and end the discussion. However, many others would continue to prod you to explain what is “wrong”, “right”, and why. This is very tricky territory. It is a delicate balance to explain all of this coherently without making the other parent sound bad, especially on the spur of the moment and/or when you’re fuming that he (she) allowed the unacceptable behavior in the first place. For these reasons, I don’t recommend trying to explain anything at this time. The above statement is a safe and simple way to end the discussion, not badmouth the other parent, and reestablish the rules in your household. In fact, it’s Ok to NOT have any further conversation about the matter if you’re not comfortable enough to do it. However, if you feel strongly about clearing things up, at least take advantage of the time you bought yourself with this line. The statement speaks for itself and nothing more needs to be said. This will also give you time to shake off any negative feelings you may be harboring about the other parent – or at least suppress them enough for the discussion.
Keep in mind that kids easily adapt to different rules in different situations. In fact, they have already adapted. They have different rules in each one of their friends’ houses. They have as many sets of rules as the number of friends and other places they visit. They’ve also adjusted to the rules in their school classroom, athletic organizations, and social groups they belong to. These include church, 4-H, Girl Scouts, and Little League to name a few.
The ideal situation would be for all parents of both households to sit down together to draw up the rules, as well as the consequences for breaking the rules, that would be the same in both households. However, this is far from practical in most stepfamilies for reasons that are too complicated to discuss here.
The important items to remember are these:
1. It’s OK to have different rules in each household because kids are already accustomed to having different rules when visiting their friends, going to church, or participating in a social group.
2. It is not necessary to give an explanation of the differences. It is just simply “different” – not “wrong” or “right”.
3. If it is important to you that your child understands the underlying values being taught, take the time to think about what you’re going to say.
4. Be sure you don’t hold resentment toward the other parent, or have suppressed it well. This will make it easier to not accidentally bad-mouth him/her.
5. If or when it is possible, work with the parent (s) in the other household to establish rules and consequences for the children that will be effective in both houses.
It takes a lot of work to consistently enforce the rules. Enforcing the rules sometimes means giving punishment or imposing restrictions that your child is less than happy about. Yet, you stick to your guns because you know it is the right thing to do. You know that it will make your child a better person – stronger, smarter, more well-rounded, more courteous, or the like. Because of that, and because you know it is temporary, you bear through the grumbling and resentment directed toward you. You know that he/she will eventually forgive you and your relationship will go back to normal – whatever “normal” is for you both.
Ahhh! You breathe a sigh of relief. Then your child spends some time at the other home – of the other biological parent. When he/she returns, he/she is behaving contradictory to what is acceptable by your standards. What is going on? You already spoke to him/her about the issue. You explained why it is wrong. Worst of all, now you have to punish him/her again. You set out to do your duty, which also includes yet another discussion of what is appropriate vs. non-appropriate behavior and why. When you finish your short lecture, your son/daughter innocently looks up at you and says, “But Dad (or Mom) lets me do it at his (her) house! I understand what you said, but I’m confused about why it’s wrong here and not there.”
Now what? Your heart jumps into your throat, making it hard to swallow. You feel your pulse quicken as your blood starts to boil. Your mind starts racing. What should you say? You know why it is wrong. It is very clear in your mind how the action went against the values you were trying to instill. You’re upset, or perhaps even furious, that you even have to deal with this. What on earth is the other biological parent thinking? How could he (she) possibly think this is OK? How could he (she) put me in this predicament? And what on earth am I supposed to say?
You think very hard. You know you should respect the other parent and shouldn’t say anything bad about him/her; but your thoughts of the other person are far from nice right now. You think even harder. Beads of sweat start to form on your forehead. Your child breaks the silence, “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If I can do it over there, it must not be wrong.” You don’t know how much time passed, but his statement jolts you back to reality. You have to say something and you have to say it now. But what?
The best thing to say is simple. “Every household has a different set of rules. In that house, what you did (name the act) may be fine, but in this house, it is against the rules. End of story.” Some children might just accept this and end the discussion. However, many others would continue to prod you to explain what is “wrong”, “right”, and why. This is very tricky territory. It is a delicate balance to explain all of this coherently without making the other parent sound bad, especially on the spur of the moment and/or when you’re fuming that he (she) allowed the unacceptable behavior in the first place. For these reasons, I don’t recommend trying to explain anything at this time. The above statement is a safe and simple way to end the discussion, not badmouth the other parent, and reestablish the rules in your household. In fact, it’s Ok to NOT have any further conversation about the matter if you’re not comfortable enough to do it. However, if you feel strongly about clearing things up, at least take advantage of the time you bought yourself with this line. The statement speaks for itself and nothing more needs to be said. This will also give you time to shake off any negative feelings you may be harboring about the other parent – or at least suppress them enough for the discussion.
Keep in mind that kids easily adapt to different rules in different situations. In fact, they have already adapted. They have different rules in each one of their friends’ houses. They have as many sets of rules as the number of friends and other places they visit. They’ve also adjusted to the rules in their school classroom, athletic organizations, and social groups they belong to. These include church, 4-H, Girl Scouts, and Little League to name a few.
The ideal situation would be for all parents of both households to sit down together to draw up the rules, as well as the consequences for breaking the rules, that would be the same in both households. However, this is far from practical in most stepfamilies for reasons that are too complicated to discuss here.
The important items to remember are these:
1. It’s OK to have different rules in each household because kids are already accustomed to having different rules when visiting their friends, going to church, or participating in a social group.
2. It is not necessary to give an explanation of the differences. It is just simply “different” – not “wrong” or “right”.
3. If it is important to you that your child understands the underlying values being taught, take the time to think about what you’re going to say.
4. Be sure you don’t hold resentment toward the other parent, or have suppressed it well. This will make it easier to not accidentally bad-mouth him/her.
5. If or when it is possible, work with the parent (s) in the other household to establish rules and consequences for the children that will be effective in both houses.
Discipline by Step vs. Custodial Parents
Ideally, rules should be discussed and agreed upon by both the biological parent and stepparent. If an agreement cannot be made on a rule, the stepparent should submit to the rule of the biological parent. The rules should be the same for all children (with exceptions for age-related rules). Additionally, the consequences for breaking each rule should be decided at the same time. Thus, when the biological parent is not home, the stepparent has full authority to punish, per the written agreement of the step and biological parent. Under these circumstances, the child perceives the punishment as given by his/her own parent instead of a non-parent.
If there is an occasion in which a child is punished for doing something not listed among the rules, the stepparent should have full authority to settle the matter him/herself. The biological parent needs to make it clear ahead of time that the stepparent has authority and should be obeyed. In the same manner, the biological parent should have an open-door policy about any concerns/issues the child has. The biological parent should support the stepparent in his/her decision whether or not he/she agreed with the decision. If it is felt that the step did not handle the matter in an acceptable fashion, a (healthy) discussion should ensue concerning the preferred method of handling the matter. If there is a chance of the matter repeating, a rule should be set up along with the consequences for breaking that rule.
I want to be clear on the biggest points regarding discipline.
1. The stepparent should have authority when the biological parent is not home. The biological parent should make this point clear to the children.
2. Rules should be decided upon together between the step and biological parent, as well as the consequences for breaking each rule. They should be written and easily accessible by every member of the household.
3. If or when the step parent and biological parent don’t agree upon a rule, it is best for the step parent to acquiesce and agree to the biological parent’s rule. This is especially important in the beginning stages of living together. As time passes and the step parent gains respect of the children, the authority can and should equalize.
4. The stepparent can and should freely enforce the rules, per consequences previously established, without concern for being admonished later. He/she should feel comfortable making decisions on issues not listed in the rules.
5. The children want to feel that their own parent is providing the rules. Otherwise, resentment toward the step may likely follow.
If there is an occasion in which a child is punished for doing something not listed among the rules, the stepparent should have full authority to settle the matter him/herself. The biological parent needs to make it clear ahead of time that the stepparent has authority and should be obeyed. In the same manner, the biological parent should have an open-door policy about any concerns/issues the child has. The biological parent should support the stepparent in his/her decision whether or not he/she agreed with the decision. If it is felt that the step did not handle the matter in an acceptable fashion, a (healthy) discussion should ensue concerning the preferred method of handling the matter. If there is a chance of the matter repeating, a rule should be set up along with the consequences for breaking that rule.
I want to be clear on the biggest points regarding discipline.
1. The stepparent should have authority when the biological parent is not home. The biological parent should make this point clear to the children.
2. Rules should be decided upon together between the step and biological parent, as well as the consequences for breaking each rule. They should be written and easily accessible by every member of the household.
3. If or when the step parent and biological parent don’t agree upon a rule, it is best for the step parent to acquiesce and agree to the biological parent’s rule. This is especially important in the beginning stages of living together. As time passes and the step parent gains respect of the children, the authority can and should equalize.
4. The stepparent can and should freely enforce the rules, per consequences previously established, without concern for being admonished later. He/she should feel comfortable making decisions on issues not listed in the rules.
5. The children want to feel that their own parent is providing the rules. Otherwise, resentment toward the step may likely follow.
Misconception of Instant Love
One day while I was driving around running errands, I was listening to the radio. The special guest of the day was a psychologist discussing “the challenge of being a step mother/father". It didn't take long before I became really upset about a few opinions she offered that can not realistically work in a stepfamily.
Before I proceed, I want to stress that I respect the field of Psychology and all of the knowledge derived through research in the Social Sciences. [I also have degrees in Psychology and Sociology.] This expert merely dispensed what she learned, which has been confirmed as good advice by the success in biological families. Research within the Social Sciences has not caught up with family issues of this millennium. Just as it took a few decades for the effects of divorce to be understood, a true understanding of stepfamilies is just now rearing its head.
A distraught girl called in to comment on her situation. She strongly dislikes her stepfather disciplining her and believes he does not like her. The expert asked if the stepparent ever told her how much he loved her, to which she replied no. The expert then discussed how "wrong" it is for stepparents to not tell their stepchildren they love the kids. She stated that the stepfather in this situation would probably get better results from the girl if he told her he loved her. This could not be farther from the truth. Interestingly, she didn't ask the girl if it would make a difference. I also thought it was interesting that this expert did not ask the girl if she loved the stepparent.
This line of thought is a common reason for turmoil in stepfamilies. It is unrealistic to expect a stepparent and stepchildren to automatically love each other once the parents marry (or cohabitate). For many people, the expectation is only one-sided; they expect the stepparent to automatically love the stepchildren, but think it’s OK for the stepchildren to not love the stepparent. All family members are equal in their humanity. As such, the expectation for each should be equal. It takes a long time for most people to fall in love. Additionally, many potential stepparents don't meet the children until several months (sometimes years) after dating the biological parent. Usually, there is a gradual integration of the step into the family. Sometimes, the integration happens over a short period of time. Moreover, the connection between a stepparent and stepchild is not and cannot be on the same level as the connection between the two adults. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable for a stepparent and stepchild to not “love” each other. Of course, common courtesy and respect are always manditory. I'll get back to this in a minute.
Now think about our closest friends. Did they become close friends over night? Although a few of you are saying yes, this is a very small percentage. For most people, this takes a long time. So how can we expect even a strong friendship, yet alone instant love, between a stepparent and a stepchild? In fact, expecting instant love (or even a strong friendship) causes undo stress and guilt to the stepfamily members. They feel pressured to feel love when they don't, and often feel guilty. This guilt manifests itself through arguing, which leads to other stressful situations.
This doesn't mean that the step can't/won't "care" for the stepchildren - only that there shouldn't be any "expectations" of love. A must for stepfamilies, however, is to always show common courtesy and respect to every other family member and their opinions. Similarly, the stepparent's actions and behaviors should ALWAYS reflect the best interest of the child's welfare. This is important enough to restate again clearly: A stepparent’s actions and behaviors should always emit a concern for the safety and wellbeing of the child. As long as each family member is treated with respect and is accepted for being him/herself, it doesn’t matter if they “love” each other.
Before I proceed, I want to stress that I respect the field of Psychology and all of the knowledge derived through research in the Social Sciences. [I also have degrees in Psychology and Sociology.] This expert merely dispensed what she learned, which has been confirmed as good advice by the success in biological families. Research within the Social Sciences has not caught up with family issues of this millennium. Just as it took a few decades for the effects of divorce to be understood, a true understanding of stepfamilies is just now rearing its head.
A distraught girl called in to comment on her situation. She strongly dislikes her stepfather disciplining her and believes he does not like her. The expert asked if the stepparent ever told her how much he loved her, to which she replied no. The expert then discussed how "wrong" it is for stepparents to not tell their stepchildren they love the kids. She stated that the stepfather in this situation would probably get better results from the girl if he told her he loved her. This could not be farther from the truth. Interestingly, she didn't ask the girl if it would make a difference. I also thought it was interesting that this expert did not ask the girl if she loved the stepparent.
This line of thought is a common reason for turmoil in stepfamilies. It is unrealistic to expect a stepparent and stepchildren to automatically love each other once the parents marry (or cohabitate). For many people, the expectation is only one-sided; they expect the stepparent to automatically love the stepchildren, but think it’s OK for the stepchildren to not love the stepparent. All family members are equal in their humanity. As such, the expectation for each should be equal. It takes a long time for most people to fall in love. Additionally, many potential stepparents don't meet the children until several months (sometimes years) after dating the biological parent. Usually, there is a gradual integration of the step into the family. Sometimes, the integration happens over a short period of time. Moreover, the connection between a stepparent and stepchild is not and cannot be on the same level as the connection between the two adults. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable for a stepparent and stepchild to not “love” each other. Of course, common courtesy and respect are always manditory. I'll get back to this in a minute.
Now think about our closest friends. Did they become close friends over night? Although a few of you are saying yes, this is a very small percentage. For most people, this takes a long time. So how can we expect even a strong friendship, yet alone instant love, between a stepparent and a stepchild? In fact, expecting instant love (or even a strong friendship) causes undo stress and guilt to the stepfamily members. They feel pressured to feel love when they don't, and often feel guilty. This guilt manifests itself through arguing, which leads to other stressful situations.
This doesn't mean that the step can't/won't "care" for the stepchildren - only that there shouldn't be any "expectations" of love. A must for stepfamilies, however, is to always show common courtesy and respect to every other family member and their opinions. Similarly, the stepparent's actions and behaviors should ALWAYS reflect the best interest of the child's welfare. This is important enough to restate again clearly: A stepparent’s actions and behaviors should always emit a concern for the safety and wellbeing of the child. As long as each family member is treated with respect and is accepted for being him/herself, it doesn’t matter if they “love” each other.
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