AWAIT is a 5-Step Process to Change

Can he change? Will it always be this way? Why doesn't she just stop? He's too old to change. It's a "man" thing. It's a "girl" thing. All men (women) are this way, so she (he) just needs to get used to it. We've all heard or said these allegories and have wondered if they relate to specific behaviors or habits. The AWAIT system of change is a guide to changing yourself or another person.

Each of us needs to accept our partner for who they are and not expect them to change. Yet, change is inevitable. Sometimes, it can do wonders for strengthening a relationship. This is particularly true if a bad habit changes into a good one or if the change is something that will ease stress in the household and make your partner happy.

The following is a few things to remember. Each of us can only be responsible for ourselves. We cannot control another person’s words or behaviors. We can only hope we have influence on them. Most importantly, modification takes time. Hence, "wait" is ingrained in the process. Be patient with yourself and others. Forgive yourself if you fall short of your hopes and try again the next day. If your partner is trying to make a change, be supportive. Point out even small accomplishments. Encourage yourself or your partner to persist and not give up, assuring the possibility of success. Envision what you will look and feel like after you've achieved your goal. Keeping a journal of your daily process will improve the likelihood of your success.

AWAIT is the acronym that coincides with the 5-step process.
• 1) Awareness of the benefits
Don't just list the benefits. Create a picture in your mind and write it down. Feel the new you. Think of it regularly - daily if possible. Awareness not only gives a person reasons to change, but also the motivation to make the effort. It is vital to continue Steps 2 through 5.
• 2) Willingness to exert the effort
Many people want to change their partner even though their partner is perfectly content being status quo. Regardless of the vision created in Step 1, some people are simply not willing to work toward changing anything. A few possible reasons could be the following: too much stress already, benefits of not changing outweighs the benefits of changing, or less than optimal timing. People need to be willing to make the effort and choose a technique.

• 3) Action Plan formulated
You know the benefits and have chosen to work to achieve them. Unless you figure out what you are going to do differently and how, human nature warrants that you will instinctively do the same thing you've always done. The best action plan for you depends on your personality and resources. Start with educating yourself on how others have succeeded. Search the internet, library, and local agencies. Self-help material is everywhere. So are mentors and professional coaches. Replace the undesirable behavior with a desirable one. An Action Plan makes the rest of the approach easier; it is your blueprint for achievement and provides a focal point. "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got" (anonymous).

• 4) Implementation of your Action Plan
It takes 21 consecutive days of doing the same thing to form a new habit. However, very few people can change a long-term habit overnight. Hence, I recommend trying each action plan in 40-day increments. This gives you a few days to adjust to the new lifestyle. Changing anything takes effort. The longer something has been a part of us, the more challenging it is to replace it. Implementation is the most essential step of the all. Without it, failure is imminent.

• 5) Tracking your progress
Writing in a journal daily will significantly increase your likelihood for success. Preferably, write before you lay down to sleep. Mention what day of the plan you're on. Did you succeed? If not, why? If so, congratulate yourself and choose to do the same thing the following day. Remember it takes 21 consecutive days to form a new habit. Every day is a new opportunity to thrive. This journal is only for you and doesn't need to be shared. Therefore, be honest and don't hold back. At the end of your 40th day, reward yourself for all your hard work.

Occasionally, a person does not reach their desired results. In this case, ask yourself how close you came. Maybe you simply need more time and should try the same Action Plan for another forty days. Maybe part of the action plan conflicted with a static personality trait or routine agenda items. In this case, alter or redevelop the action plan while taking these things into consideration. Repeat steps 4 and 5.

This system can be used by people of any age, gender, or culture. Some physiological or medical conditions could require further actions not addressed or implied herein. The AWAIT system is designed to alter typical habits or behaviors. Please consult a professional if you want to modify patterns associated with addictions or psychological disorders.



Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today’s Families



judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Five Tips to Setting Boundaries

Co-parenting with the ex-spouse can be challenging, even if a co-parenting agreement was entered after the divorce. Whether the ex-spouse is too intrusive or your partner is too friendly with the ex, create boundaries. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1) Boundaries are about you. It is about what you will and will not allow, without being unethical, immoral, or contradictory to legal court documents (divorce or co-parenting decrees).

2) You can only control yourself. You cannot change your partner or the ex-spouse. The best you can hope for is to influence the other parties involved.

3) Communication between you and your partner should be open, honest, forthright, and consistent. Schedule regular meetings to discuss incidents and to add or change existing strategies.

4) An ex-spouse is the optimal person to communicate alterations or suggestions. Since ex-spouses are often resentful of the new partner (step parent), he/she will be less receptive to the step.

5) For explicit help for your situation, consult a Stepfamily Professional.

Everybody sets personal boundaries to stay emotionally and physically fit, but stepfamilies experience a plethora of predicaments to ponder. These suggestions are intended to be vague and may not help everybody.

Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
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judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Separation is the first phase of a Step Family

A step family would not exist if a family did not break up. A family - not just the parents - gets divorced. Yet, it is the parents who decide to form a new family. They step into a new family.

Everybody desires to be wanted. Some people need to be needed, while others want to be needed. Let's face it. People want people. We want to be social. We want to have friends and have fun - to live before we die. This is more prominent after a break-up because people feel a part of them has been lost, or is missing. Specifically, adults crave companionship. Companionship with a close friend does not feel the same as intimate companionship. That drives people to try their hand at another relationship, sometimes through the five phases until a step family is formed.

This phase is very important to the health of a step family. It is a step family in formation. Healing your wounds after a separation - forgiving your ex and releasing resentment - is one of the most important things you can do. How you handle the move-out phase is a part of this. Are you the type of person who is going to share all the belongings so each of you gets half of everything? Are you going to insist you and your partner only take what she/he brought into the household? Or are you going to fight for everything and leave her/him with as little as possible? If you identify mostly with the latter question, then you have resentment issues.

Acting vindictive is not going to help your situation. It certainly won't set you up to co-parent effectively. The entire divorce proceedings is a preliminary process to co-parenting. These two items go hand in hand. If your divorce proceedings go smoothly, there is a much higher likelihood that co-parenting will be effective. Even if your divorce is volatile, peaceful co-parenting is possible.

Co-parenting is something you'll have to do for remainder of your children's life. The better you co-parent, the more emotionally healthy your children will be. It will teach them valuable lessons in how to interact with other people, even somebody who has differences. Your children will have higher self-esteem, be happier, have a more optimistic outlook, and have more friendships. There is a much higher likelihood they will be more well-adapted and flexible.

For more articles on co-parenting or separation/divorce, click on the links below:
Blended Family? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts
Susan Epstein, Parenting Coach
Peaceful Divorce


Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Love is Not Always Enough - My Stepfamily Experience

People often want to know about my experiences in a stepfamily. I have experiences as both a child and an adult in a stepfamily, but this post is only about my adult stepfamily experience.

I noticed many red flags before we moved in together, but I firmly believed everything changes. One can never know in what way something will change, for good or worse. Plus, I believed we can make our relationship work if we really loved each other and were both willing to work on it. I still believe in these things, but I now understand important underlying principles - what kinds of changes occur in stepfamilies and the depths of what it means to work on any relationship, specifically a stepfamily.

Simply put, I became involved in a dysfunctional family. They were dysfunctional before I fell in love, but I did not realize it until we were living together. In truth, I didn't *get* the full picture until after we broke up.

Here are a few of the bigger issues we faced: 1) My ex did not legally divorce the mother of his children. 2) She was unemployed for a long time, thus leaning on us financially. She found a job making more money than the combined income of my ex and me; yet, she still struggled to keep the utilities on and the mortgage up to date. We helped her many times. 3) She was Clinically Depressed (although not formally diagnosed) and suicidal. 4) She frequented bars or went out regularly, thus relinquishing motherly duties to my ex and myself a lot. 5) Both my ex and the mother of his children, as well as several friends in their circle, got high from marijuana a lot. Several of them did that daily. My ex got high 3-5 times/week on average. 6) My step children were rarely disciplined at all. This was due to guilt and each parent sharing the role of the Holiday Parent. Informal custody was switched from his mother to us after only a few months of our cohabitation. Naturally, they resented any discipline from me. 7) My ex was Co-Dependent! Finally, but not least 8) My ex changed his mind about having more children. Later, I lost respect for his inability to "parent" (AKA discipline); I no longer wanted to have children with him, even after he changed his mind again. He changed his mind a few more times, but I think it was to persuade me to stay.

Many indirect obstacles resulted from each of the above macro problems. Numerous arguments and unhealthy interaction abounded. Through all of these ordeals, there was no doubt of my love for him. I was whole-heartedly in love with him and would have done anything for him. Inside, he was still the same sweet, funny, intelligent man I fell in love with. He was the type of person who would help anybody, like the time we stopped so he could help a stranger change a tire. His friends were supremely loyal because each could site a list of ways he helped them. He loved kids and they loved spending time with him. He loved with a heart of a child and knew how to have a good time sober. He appreciated all animals. He saved a crippled bird from the neighborhood cat and we nursed it to health 'til it could fly. Yet, he didn't truly like himself. He didn't think he was worth loving. Nothing I could do could make him happy. That hurt me immensely, to the depth of my being. After 7, I lost count how many times we broke up and got back together.

Eventually, my internal desire to be whole - sane - triumphed over my genuine love for him. After living together for 2 1/2 years, and being in a relationship with him for 3 1/2 years, I knew it was time for me to leave. My sanity was at stake. My relationship with my family was strained because they couldn't understand why I chose to stay for so long. After I moved to another state, we were going to give it another try. We felt more resolute than ever to work harder at fixing the problems and were excited about him moving down to Florida, my new state of residence. After 1 year, I realized nothing changed - only the geography. The same problems existed. The ultimate termination of that relationship was when he realized on his own terms that he could not leave his children and wouldn't be able to bring the youngest with him. The eldest 2 were in college.

I conscientiously decided to stay as long as I did. Therefore, I have no regrets for not leaving sooner. However, I wouldn't recommend anybody staying in an unhealthy situation such as this. Once it is determined to be unhealthy, you've tried as best you can to intervene or bring awareness of the unhealthy situation, and you realize there is nothing more you can do to influence positive change, then it is in the best interest of your spiritual well-being to leave.

Coming Soon: a post on the 5 phases of Change. Change is possible regardless of age, gender, religion, and social standing.


Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Repairing and building relationships in step families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Forgiveness is repetitive not solitary

Forgiveness is a must for anybody to have a healthy spirit. It is not a one-time action. It is repetitive. It should be sincere and come from the heart. It is a must in a healthy stepfamily.

Each member of a stepfamily needs to forgive. Parents would benefit by forgiving their ex-spouses, their childrens' other parent. This will make a huge impact on the emotional health of your children. If you feel negative emotions toward your ex, it could affect your ability to effectively co-parent. Even if you try guarding against it, it is likely that your true feelings will be reflected in your words or mannerisms when speaking about your children's other parent. Because children identify themselves as a part of both their parents, they are likely to internalize both positive and negative commentary. If you profess warm forgiving thoughts, your children will also learn how to be warm and forgiving.

Likewise, each of us need to forgive the other stepfamily members. Most people have good intentions; or at the least, they have neutral intentions. In other words, most people do not say or do things with the goal of annoying or manipulating another person. They just don't know the best way to say what's on their mind or handle various situations. People can't read minds and are generally unaware of other's emotional aura. Everybody is human and doing the best they can to handle daily stress. Forgiveness should be given to spouses, step/siblings, step/parents, and step/children.

I wish I could say it would be enough to just do this today - now. However, we are all human. Humans are fallible by nature. Hence, as much as we try to do the right thing, we will screw up again. Hence, we each need to be ready to forgive again, and again, and again.

Sincerity is a necessary element of forgiveness. Apologies without sincerity lacks the intention of avoiding the same mistake in the future. Recipients of apologies that are perceived to be insincere may feel gullible. If this is the case, it is imperative to keep in mind that forgiveness has the most profound effect on yourself - the forgiver. Fostering good interpersonal relationships is secondary. This topic will be discussed further in a different post.


Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Noncustodial parents face extra challenges to stay involved with their kids

We already know the prevalence of divorce, which causes the separation of parents from their children. That makes it more difficult for both parents to have the same quantity and quality of time with their children. Whether one parent has custody or both have joint custody, the time together is less frequent.

Relocation adds another caveat. The economy drives some families to move where there are more job opportunities. Some divorcees desire to be closer to other friends or family members, especially elder parents who may need extra care. The added distance creates another challenge. Now 1 parent has to either drive a lot farther or fly, both of which add time and money spent. This doesn't include the time or money the parent desires to spend on/with the child.

Another obstacle that I hear too frequently is how one parent "sabotages" the relationship between the child and the other parent by saying bad things about the other parent. Children are very impressionable, and many of them tend to believe their parents. It creates confusion and hurt feelings in the victimized parent. Additionally, the child sometimes doesn't want to see or talk to the noncustodial parent much. The psychology behind how and why the child believes anything negative of a parent is content for another article. Below are a few suggestions for parents who are in this position and want to stay connected to their kids:

1) Be consistent. Regardless of what is said or done by your child or ex-spouse, call frequently. Leave voice-mail messages or send text messages saying you are thinking of the child and wishing the best. Do this even if you don't get a response back.

2) Keep your poise. As frustrating as it is, and as much as it hurts your feelings, try to stay calm and not seem irritated when talking to either your child or ex-spouse. With the limited time you have, you want it to be as high quality as possible. Remember your goal to stay involved. If you are irritated and your relationship is already strained, expressing your feelings will probably come across the wrong way and lead to an argument.

3) Send gifts. Don't miss birthdays or holidays. On occasion, if/when possible, send something "just because".

4) Try to repair hurt feelings between you and your ex-spouse. This doesn't mean you want to get back together or that you need to be "friends". Be polite and courteous. If possible, sound a little concerned, even if you're faking it.

5) Consult a professional if these suggestions are too challenging for you to accomplish on your own. I highly recommend an expert trained in stepfamilies, especially if your ex-spouse is already involved in another relationship. It helps to talk to somebody who understands what you're going through. A support group may help as well. If you are in Central Florida, I suggest Step / Blended Family Support Group.

For a few more tips, here is another article on the same topic: Out of sight, not out of mind.

Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892