Who's a Blended Stepfamily? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts

The term "blended" family is commonly used to refer to a stepfamily. It was coined because two families come together to presumably blend into one family. The reason I use the word presumably is because the two families usually don't blend together. They definitely start as two separate families and end as one family, but they don't blend. "Blending" implies that each of the separate parts, with distinct qualities, are all combined together to form one whole unit. In other words, a stepfamily is like a milkshake. Milk, sugar, ice-cream, fruit, and/or other ingredients that vary by family recipe, are all plopped into a blender. A button is pushed and the ingredients are mixed to form a flavorful concoction. With each bite, you don't specifically taste the sugar, milk, ice-cream, etc. You know that each is included, but you're only tasting the "blended" effect of everything together. You're now consuming one product, a milkshake, instead of multiple ingredients.

Stepfamilies are formed differently. Once the two families merge together, each one maintains it's own identity. In time, the two families learn to complement each other and work together to function as one family - a stepfamily. In fact, the stepfamily even expands across two households when both biological parents have joint custody. In no way do the two mix together to become one new whole.

In my opinion, a stepfamily is like a quilt. It is made up of many different colors and styles of small patches. Yet, when the patches are laid next to each other in certain ways, it is undeniably beautiful. Some sections may be green. Some may be pink. Some sections are solid. Some have patterns. Some of the patterns are flowered, whereas some may be speckled with other prints. Each section maintains its own style. The solids never become patterns. The patterns never become solid. The pinks never turn into green. The greens never change into pink. Each section always looks different. The sections do not “blend” into each other or change, although they may fade as time passes. So is the way of a stepfamily. Each member is unique and special. When viewed individually, it may first seem that they are too different to work together and function as a unit. Yet, just as each section of a quilt is arranged in a particular way in order to create one functional piece - a quilt, each person takes the time to figure out his or her own place within the bigger family, the new stepfamily. Hence, just as small patches of fabric come together to function as one beautiful quilt, two families unite together to form one functional stepfamily.

Of course, quilts are not created overnight, unless you are an expert quilt-maker like my friend Deborah Torrance-Robinson. She can knock out a beautiful quilt from scratch in less than a day. However, people of average-to-low skill level spend a long time learning how to make a quilt, yet alone complete a beautiful functional piece. Picking out the fabric is the easiest part, although that in itself could take hours or months, depending on the person and what they find available. Then there is the matting that goes between the fabric, a special way of cutting, measuring, sewing, and much more. Deciding how each patch of fabric should be placed next to the others takes a special eye. Although any two patches of fabric can be sewn together, not all combinations will seem to fit appropriately. It depends on the colors and styles of each individual patch. With practice, and sometimes guidance, a quilt-maker learns how to arrange the different fabrics in order to make it pleasing to the eye, as well as functional.

In the same manner, each member of a stepfamily needs to take his/her time to figure out how he/she will fit into the new stepfamily. This could mean a physical arrangement of the bedroom, preferred names or nicknames (mom/dad vs 1st name), or order of birthright (the youngest may suddenly have a younger sibling) to name a few. The details of these types of issues vary per family and situation. Yet, in all circumstances, it takes a little time to figure out what is comfortable for each family member. Once each figures out his/her place within the family, and each member accepts the placement of each other family member, the stepfamily unit is complete and functional. Just like a quilt.

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?

Remember the movie, The Outsiders? It's about 2 teen-age rival gangs, The Greasers and The Socials. The story is told from the viewpoint of The Greasers. There are about a dozen Greasers who are all friends with each other. Yet, they are considered to be outsiders of the community, particularly The Socials. Each gang dress and act different than the other. Within each gang, everybody is an insider; but to everybody else they are an outsider.

We can all relate to these categories as we've had similar categorized groups in high school. In my high school, there were the yuppies (preppies), nerds (smart computer geeks), jocks and cheerleaders, skaters, and stoners. Each of these groups were outsiders to all other groups. Yet, within each of the groups, everybody was an insider. Insiders share stories and secrets with each other. Their comfort level is so high that they can just be themselves. Regardless of what they say or how they act, they are accepted. If they do something wrong, the other insiders easily find it in their hearts to forgive and be "buds" again. Although there is some interaction between people of different groups, it is minimal. The interaction usually doesn't progress to a "friendship". Hence, they remain outsiders to each other.

Every once in awhile, a person from one group will befriend somebody in another group. When that happens, the friendship is kept secret for a long time because each person knows the other will probably not be accepted into their circle of friends. These 2 people become insiders to each other, and their respective group, but remain outsiders to the other person's group. Eventually, one or both may be included and possibly accepted as an insider to their respective group. If so, it usually does not go smoothly. It is a rough transition wrought with arguments and stress over a long period of time first. This is an example of human nature and is similar to what happens when a stepfamily forms.

Two adults meet and form a relationship. They interact with each other's children. Everybody gets along fine. There is seemingly no problems. When they think the time is right, they decide to move in together and join families. Suddenly, problems arise out of nowhere. There is an underlying thought in the air of how this could happen when everybody got along fine before moving in together. The answer is simple: They haven't transformed from an outsider to an insider yet.

It takes a long time for the step parent to transcend into being an insider. He/she has not shared in past family traditions, vacations, and memories. There is evidence in every aspect of life from the foods eaten at meal time, family photos around the house or in albums, and the lack of insider knowledge of the significance of family momentos and memoirs. This feeling of the step parent being an outsider is felt by both the step parent and step children. Ironically, the biological parent often doesn't sense it.

Inherent to being an outsider, there is a lack of understanding of why people on the inside do or say certain things. This is simply due to the fact that he/she wasn't around when the things were said or done for the first time. Furthermore, things are done very differently in his/her past family. Hence, the family insiders also don't understand why the step parent says or does certain things. Because they are all human, they have a tendency to not accept that which is different. When things go wrong, blame is often automatically applied to the outsider. The step parent sometimes attributes blame to the step kids, whereas the step kids attribute blame to the step parent. It's not easy for somebody to forgive an outsider. Again, this partly stems from lack of understanding and acceptance; but, it is also due to the nature of each person being an outsider to the other.

Learning to accept that which is different takes a lot of time and effort. Sometimes it also takes a third party (a different outsider) to help bridge the learning curve of gaining acceptance. Once genuine acceptance for each (step) family member is achieved, there is a foundation for the step parent to start becoming an insider.

Please keep this in mind within your stepfamily. If some family members are not getting along with each other, it is probably because they still feel like an outsider to the other. Becoming an insider does not happen over night. Not only does it take a long time, but a lot of effort too. Genuine acceptance of the outsider's behaviors and things he/she says is the first step into becoming an insider. It sets the foundation upon which all other aspects of a healthy functional stepfamily can be built.

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

I Will Not Give Up My Child

All biological parents, especially mothers, implicitly understand the strength of the bond between them and their children. The bond starts in her womb before they can speak, touch, see, smell, or hear. It grows every day that the child grows. After the child is born, he/she learns about the world through his/her parents. Similarly, the parents learn about their children through all of his/her experiences with the world. They learn what the child likes or dislikes, their mannerisms, and what the tone of each cry or sound means. Nobody knows children like their biological parents do. As children get older, dependence on their parents declines, but never diminishes. On the contrary, their experiences - with their parents - grow exponentially, because each new day brings new memories. Each one of those memories serves to strengthen the bond.

Nothing can ever break that bond. Nothing. It is the nature of the biological bond between a mother/child and father/child. Not even divorce or separation, which affects nearly 50% of all biological families, can negate the bond. That is a true statement; yet, few people are able to internalize it. By internalize, I mean understand the nature of this bond to the depths of his/her heart-soul. The reason I know this is because of the type of conflict that transpires between households of stepfamilies. If parents and step parents can take even small steps toward learning the significance of this message, they can begin to build or repair relationships.

Instead, fear sets in. It starts after the divorce/separation when they have to settle for seeing their child less often. They fear that the child will somehow lose interest in spending time with him/her, or worse yet, that the child won't love him/her as much. Granted, as a child matures and starts getting a social life, doing things with mom and dad is definitely less appealing. However, this is not the case in all situations AND, this should not be miscontrued as less love. The child still loves his/her parent as much as always, but might not tell the parent very much. After the other parent starts dating, the fear deepens. Now the fear extends to thinking that the child will start to love the step parent more than him/her. This could not be further from the truth.

Like all fears, this is generated from the subconscious mind. It can be controlled or altered, but only if people are first aware of it. Unfortunately, it manifests itself in many ways that come across as peculiar to everybody else. Maybe the first wife/husband has many odd requests, behaviors, or habits. It probably seems that he/she just simply wants to make things harder for the step parent (or the entire family that does not include him/her). Indeed, this is probably true. The harder it is for you, the easier it is for them (the first / biological parent) to be the "hero/heroine". They look better if you have to fumble - or get so frustrated that you simply lose it.

No, they are not crazy, and neither are you!! They have a lot of fear about losing their child. To them, they feel they have already lost their child in many ways. They lost the intact family they once had. Plus, parents don't "feel" the bond with their child(ren) anymore because everybody's love is being covered up by the more predominant negative emotions. Although the love is still there and unconditional, the children are acting on their emotions which make it seem otherwise. To add insult to injury, another person is acting as parent for his/her child(ren). In short, they feel like they have to give up their child to another and they don't like it. In improved situations, parents feel like they have to "share" their child. This is also not easy, but it doesn't produce the same level of negative effects as the feeling of a "loss".

What I'm asking you to do is to DIG DEEP IN YOUR HEART to try and understand the strength of that natural bond of a mother/child and father/child. Moreover, please begin to understand the fear of losing that bond which often accompanies divorce/separation, as well as the fear/refusal to give up their child to another parent. If you can do that, and believe me I KNOW how hard that is, you have just made the first step toward building/repairing the relationship with the ex-spouse. It's OK if you're not ready for - or can't even fathom - a "relationship" with him/her. For now, simply try to put yourself in his/her heart.

(Note: I use the word other parent instead of "non-custodial" in this situation since many divorcees now have joint custody in which the child spends 50% of his/her time in each household. Also, this blog excludes situations in which 1 biological parent is estranged from their child(ren). I will address this issue separately at a later time).

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps, Solutions for Today's Families.
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving

We all know we're supposed to give thanks today for everything we have, including our families. Obviously, this tradition is no different in stepfamilies. This is sometimes harder than what it seems, especially in stepfamilies. Every member of the stepfamily has gone through a great deal of transition which is more evident on holidays than any other day.

This is a day when everybody spends time with "family". "Family" is the key word. This is the one aspect of the holiday that has changed the most. Many people spend time thinking of how Thanksgiving "used to be". They think of old traditions that have gone by the wayside, traveling to see relatives, and the various memories on Thanksgiving Days that will never be forgotten - so and so's first turkey when she forgot to remove the giblets from the cavity (you know who you are - lol), falling in mud while walking outside and getting our beautiful dresses dirty, etc. These memories last a lifetime and will forever make us smile after the fact.

Many of us take these memories forgranted. It is one thing that is noticeably vacant in stepfamilies because they are borne out of separation - a breaking of tradition. The "family" is not intact anymore. The places and faces are different. The memories of past Thanksgiving Days are still there, but now they often bring sadness. Children, stepparents, and biological parents alike ALL mourn the loss of the old family. The loss often accompanies a breaking of traditions.

Sometimes it is difficult in thes situation to again enjoy the holiday. Therefore, I am going to offer a fresh perspective. First, remeber the old times with a smile. They are always just a thought away can remain as a treasure in our hearts. Secondly, concentrate on what is happening now. I suggest to not have specific expectations of how the day will go. Make the decision to enjoy the day regardless of what happens. Then, go with the flow! This is how new memories are created. New and different memories are vital in stepfamilies. Thirdly, I suggest to start a new tradition that seems to be completely different from past traditions. This is a new family and a new era; it is a time of new traditions.

Of course, if the majority of family members feel very attached to old traditions and do not want to omit it, by all means follow that tradition. ALSO, start a new tradition. Old traditions are ways of honoring the old family and family members in other households. New traditions are ways of creating new memories that will bind the stepfamily together in ways the old traditions have bound the original family together. The key to remember on all holidays, but especially on Thanksgiving when the family is the focal point, is to create memories. Memories and/or traditions is something that all groups of close-knit friends, as well as close-knit families, have.

As somebody who has been a stepmother, I have additional suggestions for stepmothers. First, don't try to be Supermom who does everything and is determined to make Thanksgiving Day perfect. You'll only spin your wheels for nothing because perfection doesn't exist. Take a breather and try to stay calm. Let the day evolve naturally. That's when the best memories are created. You'll be able to look back at the day and be thankful (pun intended) that you did. :-) Maintain a sense of humor. If something happens or something is said that bothers you, ignore it and don't take it personally. Visibly smile so everybody can see. For example, if one of your stepchildren comments about the food. Remember that he/she is only missing his/her mom's cooking - and the way it used to be. We all have a special affinity for how our moms cook. :-) In this circumstance, I suggest a comment such as, "I know your mom is an excellent cook. She'll be very happy to know that you miss her cooking." This not only acknowledges that you understand him/her, but it also puts his/her mom in a positive light, which will be highly regarded by everybody at the table.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

P.S. Since this is a day of thanks, I will add the things that I am most thankful for. First of all, I am very thankful that my Internet is connected long enough for me to post this. Secondly (or maybe this should be first), I am thankful that I was able to borrow my brother-in-law's computer since the Internet on my computer is interrupted every 7 seconds. Thirdly, I am thankful for my car that still takes me everywhere I need to go. It takes a licking and keeps on ticking. :-) Fourth, I'm thankful for the new friends that I met recently. It always feels good to know when you have impacted somebody in a positive way - and have similarly been impacted. Last, but not least, I'm thankful for my life. My life journey has been interesting to say the least. It's evident that it will remain interesting for a long time to come. :-)

PPS. Yes, I am very thankful for my family, but I didn't want to sound cliche. Plus, the 5 things I mentioned above are things we sometimes take forgranted, especially the Internet in this day and age. We all have so much more to be thankful for than what we often think about.

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Different Rules; Different Households

A common problem faced by stepfamilies has to do with discipline across two separate households. Disciplining children is difficult in itself. No parent likes to discipline their children, but it’s a necessity in order to get the desired results – following the rules. You set up the rules in the first place because it is important for you to convey specific values, manners, and ways of behaving.

It takes a lot of work to consistently enforce the rules. Enforcing the rules sometimes means giving punishment or imposing restrictions that your child is less than happy about. Yet, you stick to your guns because you know it is the right thing to do. You know that it will make your child a better person – stronger, smarter, more well-rounded, more courteous, or the like. Because of that, and because you know it is temporary, you bear through the grumbling and resentment directed toward you. You know that he/she will eventually forgive you and your relationship will go back to normal – whatever “normal” is for you both.

Ahhh! You breathe a sigh of relief. Then your child spends some time at the other home – of the other biological parent. When he/she returns, he/she is behaving contradictory to what is acceptable by your standards. What is going on? You already spoke to him/her about the issue. You explained why it is wrong. Worst of all, now you have to punish him/her again. You set out to do your duty, which also includes yet another discussion of what is appropriate vs. non-appropriate behavior and why. When you finish your short lecture, your son/daughter innocently looks up at you and says, “But Dad (or Mom) lets me do it at his (her) house! I understand what you said, but I’m confused about why it’s wrong here and not there.”
Now what? Your heart jumps into your throat, making it hard to swallow. You feel your pulse quicken as your blood starts to boil. Your mind starts racing. What should you say? You know why it is wrong. It is very clear in your mind how the action went against the values you were trying to instill. You’re upset, or perhaps even furious, that you even have to deal with this. What on earth is the other biological parent thinking? How could he (she) possibly think this is OK? How could he (she) put me in this predicament? And what on earth am I supposed to say?

You think very hard. You know you should respect the other parent and shouldn’t say anything bad about him/her; but your thoughts of the other person are far from nice right now. You think even harder. Beads of sweat start to form on your forehead. Your child breaks the silence, “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If I can do it over there, it must not be wrong.” You don’t know how much time passed, but his statement jolts you back to reality. You have to say something and you have to say it now. But what?

The best thing to say is simple. “Every household has a different set of rules. In that house, what you did (name the act) may be fine, but in this house, it is against the rules. End of story.” Some children might just accept this and end the discussion. However, many others would continue to prod you to explain what is “wrong”, “right”, and why. This is very tricky territory. It is a delicate balance to explain all of this coherently without making the other parent sound bad, especially on the spur of the moment and/or when you’re fuming that he (she) allowed the unacceptable behavior in the first place. For these reasons, I don’t recommend trying to explain anything at this time. The above statement is a safe and simple way to end the discussion, not badmouth the other parent, and reestablish the rules in your household. In fact, it’s Ok to NOT have any further conversation about the matter if you’re not comfortable enough to do it. However, if you feel strongly about clearing things up, at least take advantage of the time you bought yourself with this line. The statement speaks for itself and nothing more needs to be said. This will also give you time to shake off any negative feelings you may be harboring about the other parent – or at least suppress them enough for the discussion.

Keep in mind that kids easily adapt to different rules in different situations. In fact, they have already adapted. They have different rules in each one of their friends’ houses. They have as many sets of rules as the number of friends and other places they visit. They’ve also adjusted to the rules in their school classroom, athletic organizations, and social groups they belong to. These include church, 4-H, Girl Scouts, and Little League to name a few.

The ideal situation would be for all parents of both households to sit down together to draw up the rules, as well as the consequences for breaking the rules, that would be the same in both households. However, this is far from practical in most stepfamilies for reasons that are too complicated to discuss here.

The important items to remember are these:
1. It’s OK to have different rules in each household because kids are already accustomed to having different rules when visiting their friends, going to church, or participating in a social group.
2. It is not necessary to give an explanation of the differences. It is just simply “different” – not “wrong” or “right”.
3. If it is important to you that your child understands the underlying values being taught, take the time to think about what you’re going to say.
4. Be sure you don’t hold resentment toward the other parent, or have suppressed it well. This will make it easier to not accidentally bad-mouth him/her.
5. If or when it is possible, work with the parent (s) in the other household to establish rules and consequences for the children that will be effective in both houses.

Discipline by Step vs. Custodial Parents

Ideally, rules should be discussed and agreed upon by both the biological parent and stepparent. If an agreement cannot be made on a rule, the stepparent should submit to the rule of the biological parent. The rules should be the same for all children (with exceptions for age-related rules). Additionally, the consequences for breaking each rule should be decided at the same time. Thus, when the biological parent is not home, the stepparent has full authority to punish, per the written agreement of the step and biological parent. Under these circumstances, the child perceives the punishment as given by his/her own parent instead of a non-parent.

If there is an occasion in which a child is punished for doing something not listed among the rules, the stepparent should have full authority to settle the matter him/herself. The biological parent needs to make it clear ahead of time that the stepparent has authority and should be obeyed. In the same manner, the biological parent should have an open-door policy about any concerns/issues the child has. The biological parent should support the stepparent in his/her decision whether or not he/she agreed with the decision. If it is felt that the step did not handle the matter in an acceptable fashion, a (healthy) discussion should ensue concerning the preferred method of handling the matter. If there is a chance of the matter repeating, a rule should be set up along with the consequences for breaking that rule.

I want to be clear on the biggest points regarding discipline.
1. The stepparent should have authority when the biological parent is not home. The biological parent should make this point clear to the children.
2. Rules should be decided upon together between the step and biological parent, as well as the consequences for breaking each rule. They should be written and easily accessible by every member of the household.
3. If or when the step parent and biological parent don’t agree upon a rule, it is best for the step parent to acquiesce and agree to the biological parent’s rule. This is especially important in the beginning stages of living together. As time passes and the step parent gains respect of the children, the authority can and should equalize.
4. The stepparent can and should freely enforce the rules, per consequences previously established, without concern for being admonished later. He/she should feel comfortable making decisions on issues not listed in the rules.
5. The children want to feel that their own parent is providing the rules. Otherwise, resentment toward the step may likely follow.

Misconception of Instant Love

One day while I was driving around running errands, I was listening to the radio. The special guest of the day was a psychologist discussing “the challenge of being a step mother/father". It didn't take long before I became really upset about a few opinions she offered that can not realistically work in a stepfamily.

Before I proceed, I want to stress that I respect the field of Psychology and all of the knowledge derived through research in the Social Sciences. [I also have degrees in Psychology and Sociology.] This expert merely dispensed what she learned, which has been confirmed as good advice by the success in biological families. Research within the Social Sciences has not caught up with family issues of this millennium. Just as it took a few decades for the effects of divorce to be understood, a true understanding of stepfamilies is just now rearing its head.

A distraught girl called in to comment on her situation. She strongly dislikes her stepfather disciplining her and believes he does not like her. The expert asked if the stepparent ever told her how much he loved her, to which she replied no. The expert then discussed how "wrong" it is for stepparents to not tell their stepchildren they love the kids. She stated that the stepfather in this situation would probably get better results from the girl if he told her he loved her. This could not be farther from the truth. Interestingly, she didn't ask the girl if it would make a difference. I also thought it was interesting that this expert did not ask the girl if she loved the stepparent.

This line of thought is a common reason for turmoil in stepfamilies. It is unrealistic to expect a stepparent and stepchildren to automatically love each other once the parents marry (or cohabitate). For many people, the expectation is only one-sided; they expect the stepparent to automatically love the stepchildren, but think it’s OK for the stepchildren to not love the stepparent. All family members are equal in their humanity. As such, the expectation for each should be equal. It takes a long time for most people to fall in love. Additionally, many potential stepparents don't meet the children until several months (sometimes years) after dating the biological parent. Usually, there is a gradual integration of the step into the family. Sometimes, the integration happens over a short period of time. Moreover, the connection between a stepparent and stepchild is not and cannot be on the same level as the connection between the two adults. Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable for a stepparent and stepchild to not “love” each other. Of course, common courtesy and respect are always manditory. I'll get back to this in a minute.

Now think about our closest friends. Did they become close friends over night? Although a few of you are saying yes, this is a very small percentage. For most people, this takes a long time. So how can we expect even a strong friendship, yet alone instant love, between a stepparent and a stepchild? In fact, expecting instant love (or even a strong friendship) causes undo stress and guilt to the stepfamily members. They feel pressured to feel love when they don't, and often feel guilty. This guilt manifests itself through arguing, which leads to other stressful situations.

This doesn't mean that the step can't/won't "care" for the stepchildren - only that there shouldn't be any "expectations" of love. A must for stepfamilies, however, is to always show common courtesy and respect to every other family member and their opinions. Similarly, the stepparent's actions and behaviors should ALWAYS reflect the best interest of the child's welfare. This is important enough to restate again clearly: A stepparent’s actions and behaviors should always emit a concern for the safety and wellbeing of the child. As long as each family member is treated with respect and is accepted for being him/herself, it doesn’t matter if they “love” each other.