Noncustodial parents face extra challenges to stay involved with their kids

We already know the prevalence of divorce, which causes the separation of parents from their children. That makes it more difficult for both parents to have the same quantity and quality of time with their children. Whether one parent has custody or both have joint custody, the time together is less frequent.

Relocation adds another caveat. The economy drives some families to move where there are more job opportunities. Some divorcees desire to be closer to other friends or family members, especially elder parents who may need extra care. The added distance creates another challenge. Now 1 parent has to either drive a lot farther or fly, both of which add time and money spent. This doesn't include the time or money the parent desires to spend on/with the child.

Another obstacle that I hear too frequently is how one parent "sabotages" the relationship between the child and the other parent by saying bad things about the other parent. Children are very impressionable, and many of them tend to believe their parents. It creates confusion and hurt feelings in the victimized parent. Additionally, the child sometimes doesn't want to see or talk to the noncustodial parent much. The psychology behind how and why the child believes anything negative of a parent is content for another article. Below are a few suggestions for parents who are in this position and want to stay connected to their kids:

1) Be consistent. Regardless of what is said or done by your child or ex-spouse, call frequently. Leave voice-mail messages or send text messages saying you are thinking of the child and wishing the best. Do this even if you don't get a response back.

2) Keep your poise. As frustrating as it is, and as much as it hurts your feelings, try to stay calm and not seem irritated when talking to either your child or ex-spouse. With the limited time you have, you want it to be as high quality as possible. Remember your goal to stay involved. If you are irritated and your relationship is already strained, expressing your feelings will probably come across the wrong way and lead to an argument.

3) Send gifts. Don't miss birthdays or holidays. On occasion, if/when possible, send something "just because".

4) Try to repair hurt feelings between you and your ex-spouse. This doesn't mean you want to get back together or that you need to be "friends". Be polite and courteous. If possible, sound a little concerned, even if you're faking it.

5) Consult a professional if these suggestions are too challenging for you to accomplish on your own. I highly recommend an expert trained in stepfamilies, especially if your ex-spouse is already involved in another relationship. It helps to talk to somebody who understands what you're going through. A support group may help as well. If you are in Central Florida, I suggest Step / Blended Family Support Group.

For a few more tips, here is another article on the same topic: Out of sight, not out of mind.

Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

The Double Standard of Being a Stepparent

Good Morning America played an interesting segment on "Mom vs Stepmom" last Friday, April 3. The idea ignited after a well-known model, Gisele Bundchen, made an innocent comment about her feelings toward her stepchildren. She simply stated that she considers them to be 100% hers. Why wouldn't she feel this way? More to the point, why shouldn't she feel this way? After all, she is married to their biological father. Haven't we all learned that we should love not only the person we're married to, but all of his/her family as well? That includes the kids, obviously. The in-laws, though, are an exception - particularly the mother-in-law. It seems to be OK to not like them - or at least not get along well with them.

Divorce seems to be OK too. Oh sure, we're told that we should only marry once, only marry the person we're in love with, never cheat on that person, and never get divorced. Yet, the divorce rate for first-time marriages is 50%. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is 66%, and higher still for marriages with children (families). That is, if the couple even wants to get remarried. Many couples are choosing to cohabitate (live together/shack up) instead, because they don't *want* to get divorced again. It was so painful the first time, they figure why do it a 2nd time.

These rates in and of themselves reflect a contradiction in the so-called family values of our society. On one hand, we espouse the importance of family values, staying together, loving everybody, treating everybody equally, and on, and on, and on. Yet, on the other hand, we have pretty much accepted these divorce/separation rates as fact and not likely to change. Indeed, somebody just told me THAT last week - to not expect the divorce rate to decrease. EVER!! So we've accepted the fact that separation/divorce happens, as well as the reasons for them, including infidelity.

The dynamics of stepfamilies, then, is the epitome of contradictory family values, and the stepparent is the biggest victim of the double standards. We are all led to believe that we *can* love anybody we want - and that love *can* last forever if we just try hard enough. We are all led to believe, thanks to movies like Yours Mine and Ours, that we too can form a blended family and everybody will live happily ever after. However, anybody who has been in a stepfamily knows that this is not the case. The reality is that stepparents and stepchildren do not automatically or instantaneously love each other just because the adults in the family get remarried. As a matter of fact, in many stepfamilies (blended families) the love doesn't come until several years down the road. In other stepfamilies, the love NEVER comes. That is one reason why the divorce rate for stepfamilies are so much higher than the rate for biological/traditional families.

We do not choose who we love. Moreover, we cannot make another person love us. We choose how we treat people. We should ALWAYS choose to treat people fairly, courteously, and with respect, which is especially important in stepfamilies. Not instantly loving stepparents or stepchildren is OK provided that you treat them the right way.

Stepfamilies are a case in point. We expect the stepparent to automatically love the biological children upon the marriage to their bio parent; yet, we don't hold the kids to the same standard because they are "kids". Then, if the kids try to break up the marriage because they are not happy about having another parent, the stepparent is expected to be the bigger person and not get frustrated or upset. Many parents revolve around the children in hopes to make them happy without understanding that the only thing the children want is for their biological parents to be back together again, which is not a possibility in 99% of cases. That is why it is important for stepfamilies to figure out how to make the new union work as 1 stepfamily unit.

Then there is the other side of the double standard, as in the case of Gisele Bundchen. She internalized these family values that the Greater Society has espoused throughout the years. She internalized the message and had taken it to heart. She fully intends and expects to be just as good as her stepchildren's biological mom. In every bone of her body, she believes that she will love her husband's children as her own and treat them just as she would her own kids. In that sense, she considers them to be 100% her own. The other side of that same coin, though, is the simple fact that they are not her children. No matter what she does from now until the day she dies... even if she deeply bonds with them, she will never have a biological bond with them. She can never replace their mom. She knows she can't also and wasn't expecting to try and replace their mom; yet she believes she can be all to them that their mom can be. Indeed, she can - all except the level and quality of love (bond) that only exists between a mom her biological child.

The other factor that wasn't considered - and usually is not known or understood - is how the stepchildren really feel about their new stepmom, the new family, new environment (neighborhood, house, friends, etc). Nor are the feelings of the biological mother known or understood. Many, many women have a difficult time seeing their ex-spouse with a new woman. This is particularly harsh if the new woman is perceived (by the ex-wife) to be prettier, younger, more well-known, or more glamorous. This can be harsher still if, God forbid, she was the "other woman" while the biological dad was still married. Women more than men can be very insecure about these qualities in themselves. When they see their ex with a new woman that has these qualities, their insecurities come to the forefront. In the mind of many of these ex-wives is that he broke up with her because she wasn't pretty enough, was too fat, too thin, too frumpy, not glamorous enough, ... you get the picture. In actuality, those reasons usually have nothing to do with the reasons for the initial break-up. Suddenly, things that didn't seem to be an issue before is now an issue for the ex-wife. This puts the stepmom in a precarious position from the start. It is a long uphill trudge which frequently catches her by surprise to say the least.

Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in stepfamilies
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892

Perception of Evil Stepmothers Transformed into Positive Role-Model

From fairy tales and children’s stories throughout history, we have learned that stepmothers are evil. We learned that their only intention is to do harm to the lovely stepchild. Moreover, the stepmom is ugly, often has warts on her face, but treats her own biological children, if she has any, with the utmost respect and concern. A perfect example of this is in the tale of Cinderella.

In most modern stepfamilies (AKA blended families), this is far from an accurate depiction. In reality, stepmothers have only good intentions. In fact, many of them are so concerned about this bad stereotype, or having the title of “stepmother”, that they go beyond the typical motherly duties. In fact, they try too hard and it backfires. It often seems to the step parent that she cannot win. No matter how hard she tries, her words, good deeds, and help are not even recognized, yet alone appreciated. Unfortunately, she is right – initially. When a stepfamily (blended family) is first formed, the children typically have unresolved feelings lingering from their parents’ divorce. These may include hurt feelings, guilt, anger, sadness, confusion, apathy, or rejection to name a few. These inner feelings affect the way they view the outside world, but especially an interloper like the stepmom.

Many children also have a false belief that their parents may one day reunite. This dream is destroyed when one parent marries, which can contribute to behavior or discipline issues. Having a stepmom is then a constant reminder of the dissolution of this dream. The stepchildren may view her as the reason their parents are not together. Worse yet, they may view her as the reason their parents broke up in the first place. Hence, she is also a home-wrecker. For that, she is considered evil. And that is before she said or did anything. Then, the stepchildren interpret everything she says or does negatively.

The good news for stepmothers is that this can change. It will take time, a lot of energy, and tenacity. A good sense of humor is also helpful. Yet, by consistently and persistently treating both biological and step children in a fair and just manner, you will earn the respect of your step children. Moreover, a relationship with them will grow. In fact, many stepmothers form a bond with their stepchildren that lasts a lifetime.

How do stepmothers transform from the Evil Stepmother into a close confidante? First of all, go into the experience with realistic expectations. More to the point, don’t have high expectations of being the “best Stepmom ever”. Your stepkids need a lot of time getting used to the new blended family without mom being around. They need time to adjust to their new surroundings if they have a new house, neighborhood, school, etc. They may not be happy about these changes. Be patient and don’t take their attitude personally. It has nothing to do with you, even if you are the target of their yelling, arguing, or disobeying orders. Initially, back off and let their father discipline them.

Secondly, take the time to talk to your spouse about the rules of the household. More importantly, discuss methods of discipline. What methods does he prefer? What would be too harsh? Let him discipline while he is at home. Watch what he does and follow suit when he is not at home. When he gets back home, talk to him about any issues that arose in his absence. Explain how you handled the issues and your reasons for your actions. This may sound (feel) like you’re a child getting permission or approval from a superior; but, don’t think of it like that. These are his kids, and he’s very protective over them. If he thinks you were wrong, you’ll hear about it. It’s better to initiate the conversation, which indicates you want to work through the issues. Otherwise, he may spring into defense mode if he gets the story from his child, who probably has a different viewpoint of the story which is not in your favor. Your goal is to learn how he normally handles situations in an effort to learn how to duplicate his methods. This will reduce resentment toward you from the kids. In short, you are adjusting to parenting new children. Even if you have your own children, remember that he has different parenting skills and methods than you. Keep an open-mind during the discussion, be flexible, and be willing to change some methods in order to create a healthy team environment.

Thirdly, understand and respect their individual differences and their previous family. This includes the kids’ biological mom. You may believe that she has done many wrong things, but she is still their mother and a part of them. Trashing her is like trashing your stepkids. This would only reinforce their notion of you as evil. Also, you have not heard her side of the story, which may change your perspective. One explanation may be that sometimes good people do the wrong thing, which doesn’t make them bad. Your step children will understand this because they have also done the wrong thing and they are not bad. Additionally, respect their family traditions and activities, individual opinions, and their individual ways of doing things. Remember that different is not better or worse; it is just different.

Finally, look for bonding moments and take advantage of them. Bonding moments happen when you share something unique and special with your stepchild. Typically, it is something that your stepchild has not done with his/her biological mother. It can be a hobby or sport that you both enjoy, participating in a game or activity (preferably one not previously played), helping him/her, or teaching him/her something new. For example, I taught my stepdaughter to drive a car. Also, since her hobby was taking pictures, we scanned her prints into my computer, saved them, and emailed them to friends and family. These moments can never be taken back. Even if the details of the event become unclear with time, the essence and feeling of the experience remains.

Following these guidelines will make a big difference, but it won’t happen over night. In the meantime, it is most important to not take anything personally. Nothing they say is a personal attack against you, even if it seems that way. Because you are an adult and an authority figure, you should not try to be their “friend”. However, you can be a positive influence in their life, like a mentor. Be steadfast, just, and respectful in all you do, and be consistent. Gradually, a mutual respect and fondness will bloom. Oftentimes, this turns into a bonding relationship that lasts the rest of your lifetime. Although the bond cannot ever be as strong as the bond between the biological mom and child, it can be firm.

Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892

Tele-class on improving relations as a stepparent was a success

Thank you to all who attended Thursday night's tele-class. Susan Epstein of Parenting Powers asked some great questions and contributed a stepfamily story of her own.

Below are a few of the things I talked about:

1) How fairy tales, books, and movies inaccuracy depict step families (AKA blended families).

They either portray the stepfamily as one in which they overcome many problems and then live "happily ever after"; Or the step parent, and sometimes step siblings, are "evil". In this scenario, the stepfamily member usually ends up leaving the family by the end of the story, or she/he gets offed. And that is considered a GOOD thing!

These portrayals of stepfamilies are profoundly offbase to say the least. Unfortunately, they contribute to the confusion and misconceptions that pervade our society. In fact, many children fear getting a stepmom because they hold on to this fallacious notion that she will be mean. Furthermore, many women who become stepmothers are ALSO intensely concerned about having the title of "stepmother". They detest the title so much that they go above and beyond the usual motherly acts with the hope and expectation of overcoming this wicked stereotype.

In reality, the vast majority of step parents have only good intentions. They make sincere efforts to do the right thing. However, their words and deeds do not elicit the result they expect, even though the exact same words and deeds would only have a positive result in a first-time biological family. The main reason for this difference is that first-time families are borne out of happiness and bliss, whereas step families are borne out of the many unfavorable emotions related to divorce.

I mentioned a few emotions that children often feel after the divorce, and how these emotions are manifested through ill-manners and misbehaviors. I also mentioned a few things step parents can do about these situations to possibly minimize the effect.


2) The terms "stepfamily" and "blended family" are synonymous, but I prefer the former term.

A copy of my published article, "Blended Family? Stepfamilies are Like Quilts" was on-hand for all attendees.

3) Stepparents should NOT take anything personal. Nothing the kids say is about you.

Each person in the family is mourning the loss of the original family. Parents stop mourning this loss a lot sooner than children. They fall in love with another person and get married. Instead of having a honeymoon phase like in their first marriage, they have an instant family to manage. Children have usually not fallen in love with the step parent when the family unites into 1 house as a step (blended) family. This adversely affects their opinion of the stepparent, as well as everything the stepparent does. Even if the child says he/she hates you or disobeys you, remember that it is NOT ABOUT YOU. The child is really expressing how he feels about his/her new environment and family. Still, this is about the loss of the original family. It has nothing to do with the addition of a new person into the family as much as it is to do with NOT having the other parent around.


4) Respect the past family history and differences of personalities or habits.

It is human nature to reject what we don't understand, which is usually anything different than ourselves. Other people and families do things very different than what we do. When one family marries another, 2 diverse groups of habits and personalities are coming together. Some of the things each one does may conflict or interfere with the ways of the other family. This is one source of contention and arguments between siblings. In first-time biological families, the family members have already developed ways of resolving the conflict, as they've had many years together to learn how to deal with the other family members. They reach the point of accepting these differences as natural. However, dissimilar attitudes and behaviors of stepfamily members are considered weird or deviant. I discuss this a little more in detail in my published article, "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"

Think of creative ways to resolve conflicting family habits. Both Susan and myself shared a short story from our own experiences.

5) Creating memories and taking advantage of bonding moments are extremely important.

Stepfamilies lack previous history and memories as a "family". This means that step parents have to patiently listen to their step children talk about their "family" memories with both biological parents, which does not include the step parent. It takes time for the step parent to create new memories with him/her included as part of the new family. Therefore, vacations to new places and having a weekly or bi-monthly family night is recommended. I also recommend you take pictures in order to capture the fond moments and reminisce about them later. Place the pictures on the wall or mantle, which will help to establish a healthy family environment of good memories.

Eating meals as a family is a superb way of becoming a more cohesive stepfamily. It is a time to get to know the new family members, build rapport, and bond as a family. I highly recommend eating together as a family - both biological and stepfamily members. If this cannot be done daily, a good-faith effort should be made to do it as often as possible, even if only once or twice per week. Connie Fitzmartin has some great suggestions for making mealtime fun in her book, Magical Meals Manual. It is worth the time to check out. You'll be glad you did.

Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step and adopted families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892

Tired of Being Perceived as an Evil Step Parent?

We have all heard fairy tales, movies, and books depicting step parents as unreasonable, mean, or “evil”. Most notable is Cinderella for its depiction of the evil stepmother and step sisters. Because of other fairy tales and stories such as this one, children become afraid of having any stepmother for fear that she will be evil. Many women feel ill at ease about having the title of “stepmother” due to the same negative connotation. Although stepfathers are not given the title of evil, they are equally depicted as mean or wicked in movies and stories. These characterizations are fictional. However, many people have told me that they really did/do have an evil step parent. Sometimes I have to hold back an inward chuckle because I know one person’s perception is usually not the reality when looking at the big picture as an outsider. Then, I ask them to explain and include specific examples. Sure enough, the step parent really wasn’t/isn’t evil. Misinterpretations of words and actions, lingering feelings from the divorce, and miscommunications are the real culprits to causing the misperception.

I have no doubt that the vast majority of step parents have only good intentions and make a sincere effort to be the best step parent they can be. Then why is there so much discord in step (AKA blended) families? Learn what you can do differently as a step parent to get less resentment and better results. Harmony can be restored in the family. Learn what you can do to cultivate a healthy functional step (blended) family and create a lasting bond with your step children. Register now for this free tele-class, which is part of a monthly series of parenting classes. Your partner and step children will ALSO be glad you registered.

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Judy The Stepfamily Coach
Repairing and building relationships in step families
through Sensible Steps,
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Twitter: StepfamilyCoach
Skype: judygraybill
407-739-4892

Forms of Stepfamilies

Thirteen hundred new families are forming every day. The majority of these are one of the forms of a step family. Interestingly, most of these families aren't aware of it. In fact, many people are surprised to learn that they are in a stepfamily.

They tell me they aren't in a stepfamily because neither of their parents remarried after the divorce. The fact is that more people cohabitate (live together without getting married) after a divorce than remarry. This is also known as recoupling. Even though a couple is not legally married, the non-biological parent is still acting as a step parent in the household. Therefore, the dynamics of step families apply in their situation.

Or people will tell me they are single; thus, they aren't in a step family. When asked if they have a child, and if the other biological parent of the child remarried, the answer is yes. True, they themselves are not step parents. Yet, they are in a step family because their child has a step parent. Because they are still a part of their child's life, and can influence him/her, they are a part of the step family.

The next scenario is my favorite because it elicits the most surprised and interesting response. Single parents who are dating also fit into a form of a step family. Once either parent starts dating, the dynamics of becoming a step family also start. How the parents explain the divorce or separation, how well they get along after the divorce / separation, how the parents introduce the new potential partner to the kids, and many other factors, all affect how well the family transitions into a step family after the parent moves in with another adult, with the children. This form of a step family is the least obvious form because there are not many arguments or problems during this phase. Ironically, it is the most important time to learn about what it means to be a step family, because what the parents do and how they do it could make a huge impact in the future of the relationship / family. When the parent finally decides to move in with his/her significant other and/or marry her/him, it is even more critical to learn what to expect after the move-in will take place. It could make the biggest difference between extensive turmoil among family members vs the average amount of stress that usually comes with change or moving to a new place.

Regardless of what form of step family you are in, there is potential for harmony or disharmony. There are numerous factors that can affect the stress in your family (or potential stress). If you are in a step family, I strongly suggest that you contact a Step Family Coach in order to get informed.

There are 5 different forms of a stepfamily are as follows:

1. Divorced with children. The child(ren) reside(s) with 1 parent and visits the other, or the child(ren) alternate residences of the 2 parents. Most of these parents are dating or looking for a new partner.
2. Remarried or recoupled. Only 1 adult has (a) child(ren) from a previous relationship. Sometimes these new unions have additional children.
3. Remarried or recoupled. Both adults have (a) child(ren) from a previous relationship. Sometimes these unions have additional children.
4. Never-married single mothers and dating. Occasionally these moms are non-custodial parents. Their children visit her or she visits them. They often become recoupled.
5. Never-married single fathers and dating. Occasionally these dads are non-custodial parents. They visit their children or have the children visit them. They often become recoupled.
   

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Adopted Children Often Feel Like an Outsider

Many people ask me if I work with adopted families. The answer is yes, I do. The reason is because adoption creates many of the same dynamics as stepfamilies. In fact, any family in which the legal guardian(s) are not the biological parent (s) to the child(ren), there is the potential for stressful issues to arise. The natural biological bond between a parent and child grows from day 1 when the baby is in the womb and continuously builds. In all other families, the child is separated from the person with whom they have that strong natural bond. The older this child is when separated, the harder it is for him/her to form a strong bond with another parent.

As a baby grows, he/she learns about the world from his/her parents. All of his/her needs are met through the parents. In short, a baby's world IS his/her parents. That is all he/she knows. The parent learns what each look or sound means, and responds in a particular manner. As the baby grows, he/she comes to expect a particular response every time he/she says or does a specific thing that generated that response in the past. Depending on the age of a child, and his/her exposure to friends' parents, he/she may believe that all parents would respond in the exact same way.

If that child transitions to a new household and guardian/parent, the learning process is lost completely. Neither the parent nor the child know the other person's looks, sayings, or mannerisms. When the child does/says the same thing as before, the new parent/guardian responds in a manner consistent with his/her personality, upbringing, and belief systems. However, that response is contrary to how the biological parent used to respond. This is when misinterpretations and confusion sometimes enters. Depending on how the situation is handled by each person, and their personalities, the child may start to feel like an outsider. If the child is already feeling that way because of the newness of the relationship (or other reasons), this perspective of feeling like an outsider could deepen.

For a more in depth explanation of being an outsider vs insider, please refer to my previous article "Who's on the Inside? Who's on the Outside?"

Submitted by Judy The Stepfamily Coach.
Cultivating harmony and balance in individuals and families through Sensible Steps.
Solutions for Today's Families
www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892