A dysfunctional stepfamily results when a dysfunctional first family transitions into a stepfamily, by either cohabitation or marriage. Additionally, two healthy first families can produce a dysfunctional stepfamily, by cohabitation or marriage, if they have unrealistic expectations or don’t know how to make a cohesive stepfamily from two different families.
Stepfamily dynamics begin the minute a single parent becomes seriously involved with a partner and the new partner starts interacting with the kids. A stepfamily is formed when the single family and new partner move in together (cohabitate) or get married. A single family refers to either a never-married parent or a couple who is divorced, widowed, or separated but not legally divorced. Of course, this includes any adult, regardless or marital status and without children, who become seriously involved with a single parent.
The next logical question is to define a dysfunctional family. The definition has evolved over the decades with societal trends, and varies by researcher or statistic-gathering team. I define a dysfunctional family as a family unit who is emotionally or physically unhealthy. This includes sexual abuse, although I don’t discuss the subject here. Happiness, or rather unhappiness, is entirely different. Happiness refers to an emotion, whereas unhealthiness refers to a state of being or a state of mind. It is a long-term situational condition; whereas happiness is temporary. One’s happiness can change in minutes, hours, or days. An unhealthy living environment is ongoing. A person can be happy in an unhealthy environment or unhappy in a healthy environment.
A happy person in an unhealthy (dysfunctional) family may mean he/she is unaware of how unhealthy it is. In most cases, this would be a young child who may not be a target of unhealthy attitudes, not exposed to them, or simply doesn’t get what is going on around them. There are also many cases of adults who don’t know if their living arrangement is unhealthy enough to warrant leaving. They don’t want to be deemed a failure for giving up – quitting. Some people don’t recognize the warning signs because they can’t see the forest through the trees. Others don’t recognize red flags because they were raised in a similar dysfunctional environment. Adult children of divorce are more vulnerable to dysfunctional relationships because their parents were unable to model a healthy relationship. These are only a few possible explanations for becoming or joining a dysfunctional family. Researchers have come up with many more.
Divorce does not automatically beget dysfunction. Many single parents do a phenomenal job raising their children in a very healthy atmosphere. My mom is one example. I was shocked when a friend of mine had labeled my family as dysfunctional because I never felt that way. Likewise, he was shocked that I was in a dysfunctional family because of how well-adjusted I was. Respect and hospitality for everybody, and other healthy qualities, were commonplace in our house. Mom raised us without shame and never spoke badly about my dad, in spite of being an alcoholic and having an affair. My self-esteem had remained intact in large part due to my mom’s perspective and demeanor. Hence, my definition of dysfunction is unrelated to marital status or family structure.
How does somebody figure out if they are in a dysfunctional relationship? Moreover, how does one decide when it would be better to leave than stay? Disagreements, miscommunication, and unhappy times exist in healthy relationships. Couples in them try to ignore occasional unresolved issues. Nobody can be happy all the time. Everybody has bad days. All children test their parents and try to get away with something wrong. They don’t always listen and obey. Many parents argue about how and when to punish their children. Therefore, the mere existence of these ordeals does not define dysfunction.
Dysfunction is characterized by an excessive amount of arguments, unresolved issues, and unhappy times. Depression, addiction, and other behavior or personality disorders are often found in members of a dysfunctional family. Gottman and Markman derived the Four Horsemen to narrow down reasons relationships fail: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are grounds by which to re-evaluate your method of resolving conflict.
Ask yourself the following questions to help you determine if you are in a dysfunctional (step)family. Then rate your answers with the frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, most of the time, or always.
1. Do you care if arguments are resolved?
2. Do you enjoy spending time with your partner?
3. Does your partner make you smile by doing any of the following: complimenting you, doing something nice for you, say thank you/show appreciation, or remember special occasions?
4. Do you feel comfortable discussing personal concerns with your partner?
5. Do you feel that you and your partner are a team working together?
If you answered ‘most of the time’ or ‘always’ to 3 or more questions, congratulations! You are in a healthy relationship. If you answered ‘sometimes’ or ‘rarely’ to 3 or more questions, you are susceptible to unhealthy communication patterns. I suggest taking measures to improve communication or boost the romance with your partner, such as taking classes through your church or finding a common interest in a couples social group. Reading books or doing research on the internet would also benefit. If you answered ‘never’ to 2 or more questions but did not answer ‘most of the time’ or ‘always’ to any question, I strongly suggest you should take the time to do some soul-searching and get a professional opinion. These questions are only a guideline to set you in the right direction. Only you know if your situation is the best environment for you. Many professionals offer free evaluations or feedback.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
One Thanksgiving in a Dysfunctional Stepfamily – A True Story
I hope everybody had an exceptional Thanksgiving Day, stayed safe, had enough to eat, and found plenty of things to be grateful for. Blessings to you! This blog entry is not targeted to you.
This blog is targeted to the folks who had trouble finding things to be thankful for or otherwise had a miserable Thanksgiving. We all want to be happy, particularly on holidays. We like to think of Thanksgiving Day as an opportunity to spend quality time with loved ones – close friends or family. We like to laugh, share stories and food, and maybe play games together. In fact, this is what I did yesterday. However, not all of my Thanksgiving Days have been good. As much as I’d like to believe it was isolated to only my family for 1 year, I know that isn’t the case. It is an unfortunate reality that many people spend the holidays alone, depressed, knee-deep in arguments, fielding inquiries from police, or some other unfortunate circumstance.
The following is a true story of my Thanksgiving Day several years ago. It is one illustration of one holiday in a highly dysfunctional stepfamily. I decided to share this personal story so that other people who have had a depressing holiday may be able to feel better about their day. Sometimes, hearing of others’ misfortune makes us feel better about ours; it reminds us that somebody somewhere is in a worse position. This story is for you.
It was the first Thanksgiving I was going to spend with my boyfriend’s family. His entire family was going to be there: his dad, stepmom, kids, granddaughter, brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces. I was very nervous to say the least. I figured it was going to be awkward and was feeling leery. On the other hand, I was looking forward to finally getting a taste of deep-fried turkey. It was our job to bring the kosher foods tray. I spent a considerable time finding the tiered serving tray and arranging the variety of pickles and olives in a way to make it presentable for a high-class affair. I had no idea I was going to be the only one eating it as I spent the day alone.
His children, who were living with their mother, would meet us at his sister’s house, about 11:30 AM or so. Plans changed early in the day when his daughter called. She had a major argument with her mom, which got a little physical. I don’t recall specific details, but know she was in a very bad mood and hid the car keys. Her mom called the police. I believe the intention was to have her removed from the premises. My boyfriend went over to try and resolve matters. He took my cell phone, since he didn’t have one, to call his sister and tell her we’d all be late. He was supposed to call me with updates. He also took my car because his daughter and not-quite-ex (they weren’t legally divorced) was borrowing his. They didn’t have a car, so he and I shared mine. The new plan was to resolve the issue and come back to pick me up so we could all go to his sister’s together.
He did not take me with him for 2 main reasons. One: he didn’t like to involve me in their personal struggles; Two: I was not allowed inside their house, so I would’ve had to wait out in the cold in the car or driveway. I didn’t mind staying at home, though, because I wanted to spend a little longer making the food tray look presentable.
A long time passed before I got a call. He shared very little, but it was clear we wouldn’t make it to his sister’s before they started eating. I was still expecting to go whenever his daughter would give up the car keys or they finally found them. Hours passed without a word. I called my cell phone a few times, but nobody answered. I no longer had any clue of what was going on.
At first, I tried to hold out on eating, but was too hungry to restrain. Then I remembered that we hadn’t had time to go grocery shopping yet due to the crazy schedule that week. The only part of the tray I liked was the pickles. I thought about finding a restaurant that was open on Thanksgiving, but remembered I had no transportation. I thought of calling his family to come get me, but their phone numbers were stored in my cell phone. So let’s recap. I was home alone. I had no food other than pickles and olives, and I didn’t like olives. I had no transportation to drive anywhere. I couldn’t reach my ex and didn’t have his family’s phone numbers. I wouldn’t know what to tell them anyway, because he didn’t want to share this stuff with them either.
I wasn’t really looking forward to spending an awkward day amongst his family. Yet, I would’ve given anything to do that over being alone. This was my third Thanksgiving in this cold state, far from my immediate family, and the previous 2 were no picnic either. I missed my family tremendously. I would’ve given anything to be back home that day. Instead, I cried while thinking of home. I called my mom, sisters, and friends to vent and cry on a virtual shoulder. My Thanksgiving dinner turned out to be a bologna sandwich and a few pickles. It didn’t fill me up, but I didn’t have much of an appetite.
My ex finally came home after dark. Apparently his daughter had got physical with him too, which resulted in his face getting scratched. She said many hurtful things to him and everybody else. She never turned over the car keys. They never found them. He finally got tired of lecturing her or whatever he was doing for so many hours. He made it clear to her that she ruined many people’s Thanksgiving Day that year. I found out later that his sister had called my cell phone several times. She was going to offer to come pick me up, but she thought I was with him at their house dealing with all the issues.
This type of episode was not that unusual, but happening on a holiday was the worst timing. In a society which prefers touching inspirational stories that make people smile, this story is made of stuff we don’t like to talk about or acknowledge. As sad as this story is, I’m sure somebody else can top it with a worse story. To everybody who feels their Thanksgiving was better, I sincerely hope you can realize all the wonderful things in your life to be gracious for. If you still can’t find something, write me so I can help you find it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
This blog is targeted to the folks who had trouble finding things to be thankful for or otherwise had a miserable Thanksgiving. We all want to be happy, particularly on holidays. We like to think of Thanksgiving Day as an opportunity to spend quality time with loved ones – close friends or family. We like to laugh, share stories and food, and maybe play games together. In fact, this is what I did yesterday. However, not all of my Thanksgiving Days have been good. As much as I’d like to believe it was isolated to only my family for 1 year, I know that isn’t the case. It is an unfortunate reality that many people spend the holidays alone, depressed, knee-deep in arguments, fielding inquiries from police, or some other unfortunate circumstance.
The following is a true story of my Thanksgiving Day several years ago. It is one illustration of one holiday in a highly dysfunctional stepfamily. I decided to share this personal story so that other people who have had a depressing holiday may be able to feel better about their day. Sometimes, hearing of others’ misfortune makes us feel better about ours; it reminds us that somebody somewhere is in a worse position. This story is for you.
It was the first Thanksgiving I was going to spend with my boyfriend’s family. His entire family was going to be there: his dad, stepmom, kids, granddaughter, brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces. I was very nervous to say the least. I figured it was going to be awkward and was feeling leery. On the other hand, I was looking forward to finally getting a taste of deep-fried turkey. It was our job to bring the kosher foods tray. I spent a considerable time finding the tiered serving tray and arranging the variety of pickles and olives in a way to make it presentable for a high-class affair. I had no idea I was going to be the only one eating it as I spent the day alone.
His children, who were living with their mother, would meet us at his sister’s house, about 11:30 AM or so. Plans changed early in the day when his daughter called. She had a major argument with her mom, which got a little physical. I don’t recall specific details, but know she was in a very bad mood and hid the car keys. Her mom called the police. I believe the intention was to have her removed from the premises. My boyfriend went over to try and resolve matters. He took my cell phone, since he didn’t have one, to call his sister and tell her we’d all be late. He was supposed to call me with updates. He also took my car because his daughter and not-quite-ex (they weren’t legally divorced) was borrowing his. They didn’t have a car, so he and I shared mine. The new plan was to resolve the issue and come back to pick me up so we could all go to his sister’s together.
He did not take me with him for 2 main reasons. One: he didn’t like to involve me in their personal struggles; Two: I was not allowed inside their house, so I would’ve had to wait out in the cold in the car or driveway. I didn’t mind staying at home, though, because I wanted to spend a little longer making the food tray look presentable.
A long time passed before I got a call. He shared very little, but it was clear we wouldn’t make it to his sister’s before they started eating. I was still expecting to go whenever his daughter would give up the car keys or they finally found them. Hours passed without a word. I called my cell phone a few times, but nobody answered. I no longer had any clue of what was going on.
At first, I tried to hold out on eating, but was too hungry to restrain. Then I remembered that we hadn’t had time to go grocery shopping yet due to the crazy schedule that week. The only part of the tray I liked was the pickles. I thought about finding a restaurant that was open on Thanksgiving, but remembered I had no transportation. I thought of calling his family to come get me, but their phone numbers were stored in my cell phone. So let’s recap. I was home alone. I had no food other than pickles and olives, and I didn’t like olives. I had no transportation to drive anywhere. I couldn’t reach my ex and didn’t have his family’s phone numbers. I wouldn’t know what to tell them anyway, because he didn’t want to share this stuff with them either.
I wasn’t really looking forward to spending an awkward day amongst his family. Yet, I would’ve given anything to do that over being alone. This was my third Thanksgiving in this cold state, far from my immediate family, and the previous 2 were no picnic either. I missed my family tremendously. I would’ve given anything to be back home that day. Instead, I cried while thinking of home. I called my mom, sisters, and friends to vent and cry on a virtual shoulder. My Thanksgiving dinner turned out to be a bologna sandwich and a few pickles. It didn’t fill me up, but I didn’t have much of an appetite.
My ex finally came home after dark. Apparently his daughter had got physical with him too, which resulted in his face getting scratched. She said many hurtful things to him and everybody else. She never turned over the car keys. They never found them. He finally got tired of lecturing her or whatever he was doing for so many hours. He made it clear to her that she ruined many people’s Thanksgiving Day that year. I found out later that his sister had called my cell phone several times. She was going to offer to come pick me up, but she thought I was with him at their house dealing with all the issues.
This type of episode was not that unusual, but happening on a holiday was the worst timing. In a society which prefers touching inspirational stories that make people smile, this story is made of stuff we don’t like to talk about or acknowledge. As sad as this story is, I’m sure somebody else can top it with a worse story. To everybody who feels their Thanksgiving was better, I sincerely hope you can realize all the wonderful things in your life to be gracious for. If you still can’t find something, write me so I can help you find it.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Even Frenemies Deserve a Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you and your family have a safe enjoyable holiday.
Whether you are traveling or staying home, Thanksgiving can be stressful. If you are traveling, you may have to deal with crowds in traffic, the airport, or the bus station. If you have to stop at the store, you’re dealing with other people who are in a rush and often not paying attention to anything or anybody except the focus of what they need at that moment. If you are staying at home, you are likely cooking, possibly for many people. Maybe you’ll be host. Or maybe you are a lucky one who only has to show up and enjoy the day – or wade through other people’s stress. If you are the latter person, I’m happy for you. Congratulations! Enjoy. To everybody else, please try to be patient with everybody else. Assume they are dealing with some sort of stress and give them the benefit of the doubt in all situations, even if only to keep Thanksgiving Day a day to be grateful for even small things.
Many personalities converge in the same place at the same time. Drinking is a part of many households. Football or other sports on tv is fodder for team rivalry. The temperature in some houses is high due to the heat from the cooking or the crowded space. Finally, there could be a new addition – a step member – in a family, possibly one who is not accepted as part of the family. Oddly, it seems nobody knows how to push buttons like family members. All of these factors add to the stress of individuals. Even close-knit families have their share of arguments. Multiply that stress factor by ten to have an idea of the stress level in a dysfunctional stepfamily. Highly dysfunctional stepfamilies can increase the factor another tenfold.
It is common to have frenemies within a family. If you are not familiar with the word, see my previous post in Oct about frenemies. They are even more common in stepfamilies, although individuals don’t like to admit it. It’s ok to continue keeping it a secret. Some step parents think of their step children as frenemies. Likewise, some step children think of their step parent in the same manner. Ex-spouses, in-laws, the non-custodial parent, some bio parents, and even some (step) grandparents can all be frenemies to somebody somewhere.
Regardless of your position within the family or stepfamily, whether you are a newbie or maybe meeting a newbie, a frenemy or not, you deserve to be treated with dignity. Likewise, everybody else, step or bio, newbie or long-timer, related or not, deserves to be treated with dignity. You don’t know the extent of stress each person is under. Nor do you know their threshold and what would tip them over the edge. Please keep this in mind. If you know somebody’s buttons, please make an effort to not push them. If somebody else pushes your button, try to ignore it. Muster up a smile if you can. Maybe you should decide to just go along for the ride, so to speak, and let things roll off your back. Decide to enjoy yourself no matter what.
Keep in mind that it could be worse. There is always somebody who is less fortunate, who has less or nothing, and who wants something you have but can’t have it. Many people don’t have any family or don’t have a place they consider home. So, even if you feel uncomfortable or stressed, there is always something to be thankful for. This includes your family or your frenemy.
Please be safe. Try to relax and enjoy thanksgiving. Most importantly, be grateful for everything you have.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Whether you are traveling or staying home, Thanksgiving can be stressful. If you are traveling, you may have to deal with crowds in traffic, the airport, or the bus station. If you have to stop at the store, you’re dealing with other people who are in a rush and often not paying attention to anything or anybody except the focus of what they need at that moment. If you are staying at home, you are likely cooking, possibly for many people. Maybe you’ll be host. Or maybe you are a lucky one who only has to show up and enjoy the day – or wade through other people’s stress. If you are the latter person, I’m happy for you. Congratulations! Enjoy. To everybody else, please try to be patient with everybody else. Assume they are dealing with some sort of stress and give them the benefit of the doubt in all situations, even if only to keep Thanksgiving Day a day to be grateful for even small things.
Many personalities converge in the same place at the same time. Drinking is a part of many households. Football or other sports on tv is fodder for team rivalry. The temperature in some houses is high due to the heat from the cooking or the crowded space. Finally, there could be a new addition – a step member – in a family, possibly one who is not accepted as part of the family. Oddly, it seems nobody knows how to push buttons like family members. All of these factors add to the stress of individuals. Even close-knit families have their share of arguments. Multiply that stress factor by ten to have an idea of the stress level in a dysfunctional stepfamily. Highly dysfunctional stepfamilies can increase the factor another tenfold.
It is common to have frenemies within a family. If you are not familiar with the word, see my previous post in Oct about frenemies. They are even more common in stepfamilies, although individuals don’t like to admit it. It’s ok to continue keeping it a secret. Some step parents think of their step children as frenemies. Likewise, some step children think of their step parent in the same manner. Ex-spouses, in-laws, the non-custodial parent, some bio parents, and even some (step) grandparents can all be frenemies to somebody somewhere.
Regardless of your position within the family or stepfamily, whether you are a newbie or maybe meeting a newbie, a frenemy or not, you deserve to be treated with dignity. Likewise, everybody else, step or bio, newbie or long-timer, related or not, deserves to be treated with dignity. You don’t know the extent of stress each person is under. Nor do you know their threshold and what would tip them over the edge. Please keep this in mind. If you know somebody’s buttons, please make an effort to not push them. If somebody else pushes your button, try to ignore it. Muster up a smile if you can. Maybe you should decide to just go along for the ride, so to speak, and let things roll off your back. Decide to enjoy yourself no matter what.
Keep in mind that it could be worse. There is always somebody who is less fortunate, who has less or nothing, and who wants something you have but can’t have it. Many people don’t have any family or don’t have a place they consider home. So, even if you feel uncomfortable or stressed, there is always something to be thankful for. This includes your family or your frenemy.
Please be safe. Try to relax and enjoy thanksgiving. Most importantly, be grateful for everything you have.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Friday, November 19, 2010
Practical Strategies for Dealing with BioMom
These strategies helped me immensely. I put it in outline format in order to make it easier and quicker to read. It is in response to the plethora of outcry I hear from StepMoms about a BM who is tough to deal with.
1) Distinguish what you can control and what you can’t.
a. In every situation, ask yourself the following questions:
i. Can I control this?
ii. Can I control a part of this?
iii. What is my part?
b. Stop. Rethink.
i. What other options do I have, that I can control?
ii. What can/should I do differently?
iii. Can/will DH help me with this?
2) Change the story
a. It takes time and effort to alter our emotional reaction.
b. Replace negative thoughts with neutral thoughts. Every time you get upset while thinking of something BM said or did, stop and tell yourself the following:
i. She can’t help it. She likely cannot control this obsessive behavior.
ii. I feel sorry for her that she cannot get past the divorce/separation and move on.
iii. I’m glad I’m not that insecure.
iv. How sad that she is not at inner peace and chooses to be spiteful! I choose to not react in kind. I will not bring myself down to that level of behavior.
v. I don’t want to give her power over me. I can get past this regardless of what she does.
3) Release and let go
a. Your feelings are valid. You may want to hold onto your anger or pain because she truly has mal-intentions. However, it stands in your way of inner peace and your ability to be the best YOU you can be. You can’t give your all when you’re mired in anger or hurt feelings.
b. Vent if you need to, preferably to somebody who understands and has been in a similar situation, but who won’t fuel your anger.
c. Develop strategies to relax
i. Hot bath
ii. Yoga, kick boxing, running, or other physical fitness
iii. Find a hobby or pastime – something that reminds you of who you are so you won’t lose a sense of yourself while wearing the different hats (BM, StepMom, Wife/SO, career woman, etc)
4) Become numb and unemotional when defending accusations and lies from BM. Defend yourself calmly, whether to your skids or DH.
a. "I didn’t say/do that. That is incorrect."
i. No long explanation/defense is necessary unless DH believes it and is concerned about it.
ii. Skids don’t need to know adult business – only that the statement is not true. Leave it to DH to defend you more if that is necessary.
b. "She is obviously confused or she misunderstood."
i. Even if you know her intentions are malicious and fallacious
ii. Give her the benefit of the doubt, especially to the children.
iii. Don’t feel guilty because you may be fibbing. It is a white lie that will have neutral to positive repercussions.
c. "She is entitled to her opinion. It’s up to you to make up your own mind and form your own opinion."
i. This will work in your favor, especially if DH has a similar conversation with the kids and defends you.
d. Get used to this. So will the kids.
i. The less emotions you show about BM, the bigger the reward.
ii. Eventually the kids will figure out the truth. That may be a sad day for BM. They will forgive her, though, because she is BM. The biological bond is that strong.
iii. In the meantime, you keep your sanity, are more productive, and can give 110% again when wearing the different hats.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
1) Distinguish what you can control and what you can’t.
a. In every situation, ask yourself the following questions:
i. Can I control this?
ii. Can I control a part of this?
iii. What is my part?
b. Stop. Rethink.
i. What other options do I have, that I can control?
ii. What can/should I do differently?
iii. Can/will DH help me with this?
2) Change the story
a. It takes time and effort to alter our emotional reaction.
b. Replace negative thoughts with neutral thoughts. Every time you get upset while thinking of something BM said or did, stop and tell yourself the following:
i. She can’t help it. She likely cannot control this obsessive behavior.
ii. I feel sorry for her that she cannot get past the divorce/separation and move on.
iii. I’m glad I’m not that insecure.
iv. How sad that she is not at inner peace and chooses to be spiteful! I choose to not react in kind. I will not bring myself down to that level of behavior.
v. I don’t want to give her power over me. I can get past this regardless of what she does.
3) Release and let go
a. Your feelings are valid. You may want to hold onto your anger or pain because she truly has mal-intentions. However, it stands in your way of inner peace and your ability to be the best YOU you can be. You can’t give your all when you’re mired in anger or hurt feelings.
b. Vent if you need to, preferably to somebody who understands and has been in a similar situation, but who won’t fuel your anger.
c. Develop strategies to relax
i. Hot bath
ii. Yoga, kick boxing, running, or other physical fitness
iii. Find a hobby or pastime – something that reminds you of who you are so you won’t lose a sense of yourself while wearing the different hats (BM, StepMom, Wife/SO, career woman, etc)
4) Become numb and unemotional when defending accusations and lies from BM. Defend yourself calmly, whether to your skids or DH.
a. "I didn’t say/do that. That is incorrect."
i. No long explanation/defense is necessary unless DH believes it and is concerned about it.
ii. Skids don’t need to know adult business – only that the statement is not true. Leave it to DH to defend you more if that is necessary.
b. "She is obviously confused or she misunderstood."
i. Even if you know her intentions are malicious and fallacious
ii. Give her the benefit of the doubt, especially to the children.
iii. Don’t feel guilty because you may be fibbing. It is a white lie that will have neutral to positive repercussions.
c. "She is entitled to her opinion. It’s up to you to make up your own mind and form your own opinion."
i. This will work in your favor, especially if DH has a similar conversation with the kids and defends you.
d. Get used to this. So will the kids.
i. The less emotions you show about BM, the bigger the reward.
ii. Eventually the kids will figure out the truth. That may be a sad day for BM. They will forgive her, though, because she is BM. The biological bond is that strong.
iii. In the meantime, you keep your sanity, are more productive, and can give 110% again when wearing the different hats.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A Little About Co-dependency
Co-dependency is an unhealthy psychological need to be needed.
There is a difference between helping somebody and doing everything for them. Helping somebody is providing them with something they need but don’t already have in order to accomplish a certain task or goal. It could be an object, money, or knowledge of how to do something. It is a way of empowering them to finish on their own. In this manner, they achieve a sense of accomplishment. Doing everything for another person doesn’t give them the resources they need to put them on a higher standing. Nor will it allow them to learn how to do it. Provisions to help that person should be used in a way they can earn more resources, thus gaining status or ground compared to where they were prior to asking for help. Otherwise, the next time that person needs to accomplish the same or similar task, he/she will again need to ask for help. As long as the person never learns how to do it or isn’t able to gain extra resources, he/she stays dependent on others.
Consider the famous quote from Jerry McGuire to Rod Tidwell in the movie, Jerry McGuire, “Help me, Rod. Help me to help you.” Neither character was co-dependent, but this reflects the sentiment. There should be contribution from the person being helped, like a team. Healthy teamwork is both people working for the same purpose and is the quickest way to reach the goal.
Co-dependents help to an extreme, sometimes to the point of leaving themselves with little to no resources. Their self-worth is tied to benefiting others. In other words, they only feel good about themselves when they are helping others. Because it is a deep-seeded psychological issue (residing in their sub-conscious), they are not consciously aware how they keep another dependent. Nor can they see how this behavior is unhealthy to either themselves or the other person.
My ex is a co-dependent. For a short while, the mother of his children was clinically depressed to the point of being suicidal. Being unemployed did not help her mental state; nor did her use of alcohol or marijuana. We helped her financially in many ways. My ex even put her car and tags in his name. I drew the line at adding her to my car insurance. Long after she was employed and making good money, my ex continued to do most things for her, even though she was able. She continued to ask because he continued to do. After over a year of employment and making decent money, she was unable to effectively budget and spent too much at a local bar. Once when we were on vacation, she called repeatedly to have him pay a utility bill with his credit card. She could have paid in person with a money order or cash. I wonder if her dependency was in higher gear because he was with me. Regardless, my ex exhibited co-dependent behavior by agreeing to do it. At the most, he could have held her hand (metaphorically) to give her emotional support and encouragement. At the least, he could’ve put his foot down and did nothing – a form of tough love. (This is when tough love is most beneficial.) If he had limited his help and pushed her into action, she probably would have stopped expecting more. For example, lend her money once in awhile, put the car and tags in her name, and make her pay her own bills.
There are many misconceptions on co-dependency. Most people have not studied the subject at length so the misnomer is forgivable. The co-dependent label is readily applied to anybody who is in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. True, they are commonly in long-term relationships with addicts of drugs or alcohol. Instead of trying to help the addict overcome the abuse, they enable the user. The user stays dependent on the substance, as well as the co-dependent partner. However, not all co-dependents are with addicts; not all addicts are with co-dependents.
I fall into this latter category. My first long-term boyfriend in high school was an alcoholic. As such, I was told I was co-dependent, but I didn’t fit the profile. I couldn’t comprehend how I could be co-dependent when I have the opposite personality. In fact, his alcoholism was the major contributing factor I broke up with him. After his friends lay him in my car passed out from drinking too much, I couldn’t figure out how to get him in the house. A few nights like this when I had to go to school the next day were too much for me. Learning more about addiction and co-dependency from a psychological and sociological perspective in college confirmed what I had already known. It also led me to discover the true reason I had entered into a relationship with an alcoholic – because my dad was an alcoholic. My dad warned me against drugs, but not alcohol. He showed me the normalcy of drinking and going to bars. Dating a drinker as a teen seemed natural. I considered myself to be weak because I broke up with him instead of staying and helping him. Luckily, my education taught me how to recognize warning signs. Experience taught me how to avoid unhealthy situations and manage healthy ones.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
There is a difference between helping somebody and doing everything for them. Helping somebody is providing them with something they need but don’t already have in order to accomplish a certain task or goal. It could be an object, money, or knowledge of how to do something. It is a way of empowering them to finish on their own. In this manner, they achieve a sense of accomplishment. Doing everything for another person doesn’t give them the resources they need to put them on a higher standing. Nor will it allow them to learn how to do it. Provisions to help that person should be used in a way they can earn more resources, thus gaining status or ground compared to where they were prior to asking for help. Otherwise, the next time that person needs to accomplish the same or similar task, he/she will again need to ask for help. As long as the person never learns how to do it or isn’t able to gain extra resources, he/she stays dependent on others.
Consider the famous quote from Jerry McGuire to Rod Tidwell in the movie, Jerry McGuire, “Help me, Rod. Help me to help you.” Neither character was co-dependent, but this reflects the sentiment. There should be contribution from the person being helped, like a team. Healthy teamwork is both people working for the same purpose and is the quickest way to reach the goal.
Co-dependents help to an extreme, sometimes to the point of leaving themselves with little to no resources. Their self-worth is tied to benefiting others. In other words, they only feel good about themselves when they are helping others. Because it is a deep-seeded psychological issue (residing in their sub-conscious), they are not consciously aware how they keep another dependent. Nor can they see how this behavior is unhealthy to either themselves or the other person.
My ex is a co-dependent. For a short while, the mother of his children was clinically depressed to the point of being suicidal. Being unemployed did not help her mental state; nor did her use of alcohol or marijuana. We helped her financially in many ways. My ex even put her car and tags in his name. I drew the line at adding her to my car insurance. Long after she was employed and making good money, my ex continued to do most things for her, even though she was able. She continued to ask because he continued to do. After over a year of employment and making decent money, she was unable to effectively budget and spent too much at a local bar. Once when we were on vacation, she called repeatedly to have him pay a utility bill with his credit card. She could have paid in person with a money order or cash. I wonder if her dependency was in higher gear because he was with me. Regardless, my ex exhibited co-dependent behavior by agreeing to do it. At the most, he could have held her hand (metaphorically) to give her emotional support and encouragement. At the least, he could’ve put his foot down and did nothing – a form of tough love. (This is when tough love is most beneficial.) If he had limited his help and pushed her into action, she probably would have stopped expecting more. For example, lend her money once in awhile, put the car and tags in her name, and make her pay her own bills.
There are many misconceptions on co-dependency. Most people have not studied the subject at length so the misnomer is forgivable. The co-dependent label is readily applied to anybody who is in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. True, they are commonly in long-term relationships with addicts of drugs or alcohol. Instead of trying to help the addict overcome the abuse, they enable the user. The user stays dependent on the substance, as well as the co-dependent partner. However, not all co-dependents are with addicts; not all addicts are with co-dependents.
I fall into this latter category. My first long-term boyfriend in high school was an alcoholic. As such, I was told I was co-dependent, but I didn’t fit the profile. I couldn’t comprehend how I could be co-dependent when I have the opposite personality. In fact, his alcoholism was the major contributing factor I broke up with him. After his friends lay him in my car passed out from drinking too much, I couldn’t figure out how to get him in the house. A few nights like this when I had to go to school the next day were too much for me. Learning more about addiction and co-dependency from a psychological and sociological perspective in college confirmed what I had already known. It also led me to discover the true reason I had entered into a relationship with an alcoholic – because my dad was an alcoholic. My dad warned me against drugs, but not alcohol. He showed me the normalcy of drinking and going to bars. Dating a drinker as a teen seemed natural. I considered myself to be weak because I broke up with him instead of staying and helping him. Luckily, my education taught me how to recognize warning signs. Experience taught me how to avoid unhealthy situations and manage healthy ones.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Things I Learned Professionally and Personally
1) Conflict of Loyalties between step and biology.
Stepchildren often feel conflicted about liking their stepmom. Internally, they worry it means they like their mom less. This feeling is pronounced when the BioMom outwardly disapproves of the StepMom.
Tucking my ex-boyfriend’s son into bed was special to me. It was usually reserved for his dad, and he seldom requested me to. So whenever he asked me to do it, I cherished it more than he’ll ever know. For the few days afterward, he seemed more distant and argumentative, and almost always called his mom to take him somewhere. A long time would pass before he asked me to tuck him in again. At the time, I was confused and a little hurt. In reality, he was getting used to me. He liked me. He liked being tucked into bed. But, he was afraid of going against his mom, who did not hide her disdain for me. He felt he was not supposed to like me, as if it was somehow wrong. His dad and I were arguing a lot, too. Even if we didn’t argue in front of him, he could tell. This made it more confusing for his son to figure out my standing in the family. At the least, it made it harder for him to *want* to get close to me, for fear of losing somebody he cares about (again). [He didn’t like to be alone and already went through a family separation.] We can all relate to that. Many step parents are concerned about the same thing. I was.
2) Household rules need to be accompanied by predetermined consequences that need to be consistently enforced by bio parent (and step).
Many divorced parents develop guilt over putting their kids through a divorce. Some parents with joint custody turn into a holiday parent. Both of these scenarios contribute to less or inconsistent disciplining. When they become involved with a new person and form a stepfamily, the discipline usually doesn’t resume to how it was prior to the divorce. Because the step parent has a different style of discipline, arguments between the adults (step and bio) regarding discipline become prevalent. It is one of the top complaints among parents in stepfamilies. One suggestion is to form household rules agreed upon by both parents. Call a family meeting to announce changes and address questions. Be sure to call them “household” rules, which do not necessarily reflect rules in other bio parent’s house. Secondly, be sure to note that bio parent (over step parent) approved them to reduce resentment from kids. Consequences for breaking the rules should be mentioned during the meeting. As long as they are enforced consistently by bio parent, kids won’t resent the step parent when he/she tries to enforce them.
This was a huge issue in our house. When my stepson came to live with my now ex-boyfriend and I, the role of holiday parent switched from my ex-boyfriend to BioMom. However, my boyfriend did not resume discipline and was never able to enforce his own rules. One example is his son’s bedtime. Because my ex regularly made exceptions on bedtime, havoc ensued whenever I tried to put his son to bed when he wasn’t home. I was told, “Dad never makes me go to bed now.” I’d respond by referencing his dad’s rule, but there was no way to get away from him resenting me. I see similar stories in many of the stepfamilies I work with. An occasional exception is ok, but the precedence has to be established first.
3) The key for a step parent to build rapport and a caring relationship with step children is a delicate balance between mentoring, caring for their needs, and stepping back.
The role of step parent is precarious in that the children, spouse, and ex-spouse each have different expectations of the step parent, none of which are clearly defined. There is a constant potential of being criticized for either doing too much or not enough. Trying to be the best step parent ever – a Super Step – would likely cause the step children to resist and pull away. Sucking up to the children wouldn’t earn a step parent respect. Ironically, being too lax and uninvolved would have the same effect.
Step children need time to get used to the new family situation. They also need to have quality alone time with each biological parent, when possible. As long as their basic needs are met, they will feel wanted and loved.
My stepson found comfort in knowing there was always somebody available to provide for his needs: after-school snack, money for school lunch, clean clothes, and various other things. He knew he could rely on me to help him, but that he could also call his mom whenever he wanted. Likewise, he had many quality father-son times that were special to him. He felt wanted and loved, which was healthy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Stepchildren often feel conflicted about liking their stepmom. Internally, they worry it means they like their mom less. This feeling is pronounced when the BioMom outwardly disapproves of the StepMom.
Tucking my ex-boyfriend’s son into bed was special to me. It was usually reserved for his dad, and he seldom requested me to. So whenever he asked me to do it, I cherished it more than he’ll ever know. For the few days afterward, he seemed more distant and argumentative, and almost always called his mom to take him somewhere. A long time would pass before he asked me to tuck him in again. At the time, I was confused and a little hurt. In reality, he was getting used to me. He liked me. He liked being tucked into bed. But, he was afraid of going against his mom, who did not hide her disdain for me. He felt he was not supposed to like me, as if it was somehow wrong. His dad and I were arguing a lot, too. Even if we didn’t argue in front of him, he could tell. This made it more confusing for his son to figure out my standing in the family. At the least, it made it harder for him to *want* to get close to me, for fear of losing somebody he cares about (again). [He didn’t like to be alone and already went through a family separation.] We can all relate to that. Many step parents are concerned about the same thing. I was.
2) Household rules need to be accompanied by predetermined consequences that need to be consistently enforced by bio parent (and step).
Many divorced parents develop guilt over putting their kids through a divorce. Some parents with joint custody turn into a holiday parent. Both of these scenarios contribute to less or inconsistent disciplining. When they become involved with a new person and form a stepfamily, the discipline usually doesn’t resume to how it was prior to the divorce. Because the step parent has a different style of discipline, arguments between the adults (step and bio) regarding discipline become prevalent. It is one of the top complaints among parents in stepfamilies. One suggestion is to form household rules agreed upon by both parents. Call a family meeting to announce changes and address questions. Be sure to call them “household” rules, which do not necessarily reflect rules in other bio parent’s house. Secondly, be sure to note that bio parent (over step parent) approved them to reduce resentment from kids. Consequences for breaking the rules should be mentioned during the meeting. As long as they are enforced consistently by bio parent, kids won’t resent the step parent when he/she tries to enforce them.
This was a huge issue in our house. When my stepson came to live with my now ex-boyfriend and I, the role of holiday parent switched from my ex-boyfriend to BioMom. However, my boyfriend did not resume discipline and was never able to enforce his own rules. One example is his son’s bedtime. Because my ex regularly made exceptions on bedtime, havoc ensued whenever I tried to put his son to bed when he wasn’t home. I was told, “Dad never makes me go to bed now.” I’d respond by referencing his dad’s rule, but there was no way to get away from him resenting me. I see similar stories in many of the stepfamilies I work with. An occasional exception is ok, but the precedence has to be established first.
3) The key for a step parent to build rapport and a caring relationship with step children is a delicate balance between mentoring, caring for their needs, and stepping back.
The role of step parent is precarious in that the children, spouse, and ex-spouse each have different expectations of the step parent, none of which are clearly defined. There is a constant potential of being criticized for either doing too much or not enough. Trying to be the best step parent ever – a Super Step – would likely cause the step children to resist and pull away. Sucking up to the children wouldn’t earn a step parent respect. Ironically, being too lax and uninvolved would have the same effect.
Step children need time to get used to the new family situation. They also need to have quality alone time with each biological parent, when possible. As long as their basic needs are met, they will feel wanted and loved.
My stepson found comfort in knowing there was always somebody available to provide for his needs: after-school snack, money for school lunch, clean clothes, and various other things. He knew he could rely on me to help him, but that he could also call his mom whenever he wanted. Likewise, he had many quality father-son times that were special to him. He felt wanted and loved, which was healthy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Reaction to Stepmom Success: How to Deal with the Ex-Wife
This blog is written in reaction to referenced-article on Huffington Post dated Nov 11, 2010. Based on posted comments, I know I'm not the only person who feels this way.
They say that parenthood is a thankless job, but I say BioMoms and BioDads get thanks and recognition regularly. Step parenting is a truly thankless job. It takes time to build rapport with stepkids. Step parents are often criticized for being too much like a parent or not loving the children like their own – damned if they do, damned if they don’t. There is always a risk of being verbally attacked by either bio parent for overstepping bounds they didn’t know existed. I’d like to change these double standards. This article, although giving a few positive tips for being a good step-mom, does more to perpetuate her tireless thankless job. Additionally, it could fuel resentment toward BioMom as well as frustration over feeling powerless in dealing with her.
I want to be clear that I agree with most of the article. StepMoms have to accept the BioMom as having first dibs on whatever part of parenting they want. BioMom should be allowed to call or pick up the children anytime she likes, provided she makes proper arrangements, preferably in advance, with BioDad. (BioDad should consult his significant other on this.) Complimenting BioMom in the presence of the kids is a good idea. Doing it in front of BioMom depends on the situation and BioMom’s behavior. Bad behavior of BioMom should not be condoned or placated. Ignoring it is a good idea, but don’t reward it by complimenting her. It may encourage her to continue. StepMoms need to remember that BioMom may very well be insane – possibly in the literal sense. Nothing we say or do will change or control her. We should never do anything that mimics or disrespects her, regardless of what she says or does. I advocate all of that when coaching stepfamilies. None of it means StepMoms are powerless or don’t have a say.
StepMoms have power and control in their house, if they work as a team with BioDad. If BioDad has an effective co-parenting arrangement with BioMom, AND values input from his betrothed, StepMoms have real power. They have power in their rapport with the kids in spite of BM. Their power is in their ability to maintain composure and continue to unwaveringly support their steipkids in whatever way is necessary. This article claims StepMoms should keep their mouth shut. I say to only keep it shut in the presence of BioMom and the children. Venting to friends or family about her is beneficial in releasing frustration, but could potentially fuel the resentment. Learning how to set up and maintain boundaries is a better option. A professional Stepfamily Professional or professional-based support group could help.
I have personal experience with dealing with an ex-wife. I remember when I concluded the BioMom was insane. Truly, I thought, there was no other explanation for her behavior. The impetus was “Cody and the Hammer Incident”. Only people who were there know what I’m talking about. BioDad didn’t even know what to think. Prior to that incident, I had spent over a year trying very hard to like her. In the beginning, I liked her without a 2nd thought. Why wouldn’t I? My SO was a great guy. Surely he picked a good 1st woman. However, people and circumstances change consistently. This doesn’t mean she was no longer good; it means I shouldn’t have high expectations. Incident after incident made it difficult for me to like her. Gradually, my feelings changed to neutral. They wavered on dislike immediately before the above-mentioned incident. I didn’t like the thought of disliking somebody because it goes against the grain of who I am. This incident left me with no other conclusion than her insanity. With repeated incidents over the following year, I eventually came to strongly dislike her, and then hate her. No, it wasn’t right; but it was accurately how I felt.
In spite of how I felt about her, I always did my best to treat her as another human being with emotions and problems just like the rest of us. In spite of how she felt about me, on 2 occasions over the 2 ½ year period, she kissed me on the cheek. If I can get that result in spite of being clueless about step dynamics, I can only imagine the positive results I would’ve got if I knew how to handle other situations better.
My initial immediate reaction to the mentioned article was rage. My instinct told me the author is a BioMom who is resentful of her kids’ StepMom. I, for one, am tired of reading articles of how step parents have to step back, repress there emotions, and accept Bio parents without question. I want to read more articles addressed to BioMom on how to accept their divorce and their ex’s new wife. I want to read articles suggesting that BioMom learn how to respect the StepMom and not overstep her bounds on her ex-husband’s new relationship. I think many StepMom’s will agree with me. My secondary reaction to the article came from my professional practical side. It doesn’t alter what I just said, but acknowledges that most of the article was correct. The nature of stepfamilies is complicated. Step parents have rights, but they also need to tread lightly.
A better article, in my opinion, would be how StepMoms can deal with the ex-wife in spite of her insanity. I don’t really think BioMoms are insane, but they are insecure and don’t fully grasp how strong the biological bond is with their children. The nature of stepfamilies means BioMom cannot be around their children 24/7. The vast majority of StepMoms are not trying to take over as Mom. Women with a maternal instinct cannot repress or eliminate it. Nor should they. I advocate that BioMom’s accept StepMom’s as a substitute when they are not around, which happens frequently in stepfamilies, per inherent dynamics of step families. By substitute, I mean secondary. StepMoms deserve respect and support from both Bio parents because they are doing a tough job – tougher than bio parenting.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
They say that parenthood is a thankless job, but I say BioMoms and BioDads get thanks and recognition regularly. Step parenting is a truly thankless job. It takes time to build rapport with stepkids. Step parents are often criticized for being too much like a parent or not loving the children like their own – damned if they do, damned if they don’t. There is always a risk of being verbally attacked by either bio parent for overstepping bounds they didn’t know existed. I’d like to change these double standards. This article, although giving a few positive tips for being a good step-mom, does more to perpetuate her tireless thankless job. Additionally, it could fuel resentment toward BioMom as well as frustration over feeling powerless in dealing with her.
I want to be clear that I agree with most of the article. StepMoms have to accept the BioMom as having first dibs on whatever part of parenting they want. BioMom should be allowed to call or pick up the children anytime she likes, provided she makes proper arrangements, preferably in advance, with BioDad. (BioDad should consult his significant other on this.) Complimenting BioMom in the presence of the kids is a good idea. Doing it in front of BioMom depends on the situation and BioMom’s behavior. Bad behavior of BioMom should not be condoned or placated. Ignoring it is a good idea, but don’t reward it by complimenting her. It may encourage her to continue. StepMoms need to remember that BioMom may very well be insane – possibly in the literal sense. Nothing we say or do will change or control her. We should never do anything that mimics or disrespects her, regardless of what she says or does. I advocate all of that when coaching stepfamilies. None of it means StepMoms are powerless or don’t have a say.
StepMoms have power and control in their house, if they work as a team with BioDad. If BioDad has an effective co-parenting arrangement with BioMom, AND values input from his betrothed, StepMoms have real power. They have power in their rapport with the kids in spite of BM. Their power is in their ability to maintain composure and continue to unwaveringly support their steipkids in whatever way is necessary. This article claims StepMoms should keep their mouth shut. I say to only keep it shut in the presence of BioMom and the children. Venting to friends or family about her is beneficial in releasing frustration, but could potentially fuel the resentment. Learning how to set up and maintain boundaries is a better option. A professional Stepfamily Professional or professional-based support group could help.
I have personal experience with dealing with an ex-wife. I remember when I concluded the BioMom was insane. Truly, I thought, there was no other explanation for her behavior. The impetus was “Cody and the Hammer Incident”. Only people who were there know what I’m talking about. BioDad didn’t even know what to think. Prior to that incident, I had spent over a year trying very hard to like her. In the beginning, I liked her without a 2nd thought. Why wouldn’t I? My SO was a great guy. Surely he picked a good 1st woman. However, people and circumstances change consistently. This doesn’t mean she was no longer good; it means I shouldn’t have high expectations. Incident after incident made it difficult for me to like her. Gradually, my feelings changed to neutral. They wavered on dislike immediately before the above-mentioned incident. I didn’t like the thought of disliking somebody because it goes against the grain of who I am. This incident left me with no other conclusion than her insanity. With repeated incidents over the following year, I eventually came to strongly dislike her, and then hate her. No, it wasn’t right; but it was accurately how I felt.
In spite of how I felt about her, I always did my best to treat her as another human being with emotions and problems just like the rest of us. In spite of how she felt about me, on 2 occasions over the 2 ½ year period, she kissed me on the cheek. If I can get that result in spite of being clueless about step dynamics, I can only imagine the positive results I would’ve got if I knew how to handle other situations better.
My initial immediate reaction to the mentioned article was rage. My instinct told me the author is a BioMom who is resentful of her kids’ StepMom. I, for one, am tired of reading articles of how step parents have to step back, repress there emotions, and accept Bio parents without question. I want to read more articles addressed to BioMom on how to accept their divorce and their ex’s new wife. I want to read articles suggesting that BioMom learn how to respect the StepMom and not overstep her bounds on her ex-husband’s new relationship. I think many StepMom’s will agree with me. My secondary reaction to the article came from my professional practical side. It doesn’t alter what I just said, but acknowledges that most of the article was correct. The nature of stepfamilies is complicated. Step parents have rights, but they also need to tread lightly.
A better article, in my opinion, would be how StepMoms can deal with the ex-wife in spite of her insanity. I don’t really think BioMoms are insane, but they are insecure and don’t fully grasp how strong the biological bond is with their children. The nature of stepfamilies means BioMom cannot be around their children 24/7. The vast majority of StepMoms are not trying to take over as Mom. Women with a maternal instinct cannot repress or eliminate it. Nor should they. I advocate that BioMom’s accept StepMom’s as a substitute when they are not around, which happens frequently in stepfamilies, per inherent dynamics of step families. By substitute, I mean secondary. StepMoms deserve respect and support from both Bio parents because they are doing a tough job – tougher than bio parenting.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Forgiveness Doesn't Mean Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship
In its simplest form, forgiveness means to not feel ill-will toward somebody who wronged you. It means to not be angry at that person anymore. If you are in a relationship with that person, it also means not to bring up the wrong in future arguments. If you’re forgiving an ex, it is a step toward healing and finding closure.
Many people don’t understand why I defend my ex. When I first share personal memories, a common reaction I get is “What an a$$-hole!”
“No,” I say, “actually he is a really nice guy.”
“Then why aren’t you with him, if he’s so nice?”
“It’s a long complicated story.” Depending on the person and direction of the conversation, I may explain more. Usually, it’s not necessary. To some, I add how many loyal friends he has because of how much he’s helped them and how everybody who met him liked him immediately.
“So you’re still in love with him, huh?”
“No. Why do you say that?”
I’ve had this conversation with several people. The words vary, but the sentiment remains. It reflects a pervasive viewpoint of our society: being a victim and resenting our ex. On top of this, we naively believe that love is enough to make any relationship work. So if it doesn’t work, naturally somebody maliciously wronged the other. It is counter-intuitive to believe a relationship ended if both people were still in love with each other. It’s equally counter-intuitive to not be angry with our ex unless we’re still in love with him (her). People identify with the person they’re talking to. They hear my perspective, but filter it through their own, which includes this societal attitude. When I’m explaining what happened to me, I come across as the victim, even though it is not my intention. Because I am considered an insider to them, they naturally put themselves in my position and pass judgment on my ex, whom they consider an outsider. If/when my ex talks about our failed relationship, they probably conclude I am a bitch and he is the victim. They are insiders to him, but outsiders to me.
By no means was it easy to forgive him. It took a long time, but I was determined to get rid of my emotional baggage. I did not want to live with it. Intellectually, I could rationalize several reasons he deserved to be forgiven. Emotionally, though, it was much tougher. He hurt me deeply. Intelligence and emotions are two different parts of us. One generates from the mind; the other from the heart. People’s words and actions are a result of what they feel rather than what they think, for emotions extend deep into our subconscious. As difficult as it was to forgive him, it was 100 times more difficult to forgive the mother of his children. By the time I left, I hated the women. I despised her so bad that shivers would run down my spine whenever I heard her name mentioned, even if it was in reference to a different person with the same name. Many stepmoms can relate exactly to what I’m talking about. If I was able to overcome that, then others can too.
In the process of educating myself on step dynamics, I discovered how I contributed to some of the things that went wrong. It was a blow to my pride because I always had the best of intentions. I truly cared for his kids’ wellbeing and gave my all to make it work. The thought that I should’ve done things differently was tough to grasp. Like my ex, I was clueless. I handled things based on my experiences of what worked for me elsewhere, so why didn’t it work there? Stepfamilies operate differently. Because I didn’t get that, I had to forgive myself of the things I did wrong, which was also tough for me.
A male friend once asked me how he can forgive his wife when there is no way he could stay with her. Like me and many others, applying this concept was confusing. She purposely deceived and manipulated him, on top of telling numerous lies. Nobody could blame him for being angry with her. In fact, most would feel he was righteous in his anger. However, splitting the household at that time would have caused other problems he wasn’t ready for yet. He needed to have some semblance of peace at home for the sake of his own sanity and the emotional well-being of his daughter. I suggested he try not to argue with his wife, but she would constantly bully him until he gave in and argued back. [Incessantly angry people want to argue and continually find reasons to dispute.] The yelling sometimes turned into throwing and breaking things. One night the computer got broken beyond repair. I explicated on what I meant. Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying married to her or even to still live with her. It just means find a way to not be angry with her anymore, even if he decided to continue the living arrangement.
This is challenging at best, but particularly so as long as he is still living around the dysfunction. Regardless, it would take time and lots of effort. It starts with the decision to find inner peace. The timing for this decision has to be right, for some people need to come to terms with their anger and reach a place (in mind, spirit, and time) where they are ready to release their resentment. Subsequent steps include accepting that she is mentally sick and can’t help it, monitoring one’s inner voice, and interjecting positive affirmations. A few things that helped me were developing my spirituality, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), Reiki, and dream therapy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Many people don’t understand why I defend my ex. When I first share personal memories, a common reaction I get is “What an a$$-hole!”
“No,” I say, “actually he is a really nice guy.”
“Then why aren’t you with him, if he’s so nice?”
“It’s a long complicated story.” Depending on the person and direction of the conversation, I may explain more. Usually, it’s not necessary. To some, I add how many loyal friends he has because of how much he’s helped them and how everybody who met him liked him immediately.
“So you’re still in love with him, huh?”
“No. Why do you say that?”
I’ve had this conversation with several people. The words vary, but the sentiment remains. It reflects a pervasive viewpoint of our society: being a victim and resenting our ex. On top of this, we naively believe that love is enough to make any relationship work. So if it doesn’t work, naturally somebody maliciously wronged the other. It is counter-intuitive to believe a relationship ended if both people were still in love with each other. It’s equally counter-intuitive to not be angry with our ex unless we’re still in love with him (her). People identify with the person they’re talking to. They hear my perspective, but filter it through their own, which includes this societal attitude. When I’m explaining what happened to me, I come across as the victim, even though it is not my intention. Because I am considered an insider to them, they naturally put themselves in my position and pass judgment on my ex, whom they consider an outsider. If/when my ex talks about our failed relationship, they probably conclude I am a bitch and he is the victim. They are insiders to him, but outsiders to me.
By no means was it easy to forgive him. It took a long time, but I was determined to get rid of my emotional baggage. I did not want to live with it. Intellectually, I could rationalize several reasons he deserved to be forgiven. Emotionally, though, it was much tougher. He hurt me deeply. Intelligence and emotions are two different parts of us. One generates from the mind; the other from the heart. People’s words and actions are a result of what they feel rather than what they think, for emotions extend deep into our subconscious. As difficult as it was to forgive him, it was 100 times more difficult to forgive the mother of his children. By the time I left, I hated the women. I despised her so bad that shivers would run down my spine whenever I heard her name mentioned, even if it was in reference to a different person with the same name. Many stepmoms can relate exactly to what I’m talking about. If I was able to overcome that, then others can too.
In the process of educating myself on step dynamics, I discovered how I contributed to some of the things that went wrong. It was a blow to my pride because I always had the best of intentions. I truly cared for his kids’ wellbeing and gave my all to make it work. The thought that I should’ve done things differently was tough to grasp. Like my ex, I was clueless. I handled things based on my experiences of what worked for me elsewhere, so why didn’t it work there? Stepfamilies operate differently. Because I didn’t get that, I had to forgive myself of the things I did wrong, which was also tough for me.
A male friend once asked me how he can forgive his wife when there is no way he could stay with her. Like me and many others, applying this concept was confusing. She purposely deceived and manipulated him, on top of telling numerous lies. Nobody could blame him for being angry with her. In fact, most would feel he was righteous in his anger. However, splitting the household at that time would have caused other problems he wasn’t ready for yet. He needed to have some semblance of peace at home for the sake of his own sanity and the emotional well-being of his daughter. I suggested he try not to argue with his wife, but she would constantly bully him until he gave in and argued back. [Incessantly angry people want to argue and continually find reasons to dispute.] The yelling sometimes turned into throwing and breaking things. One night the computer got broken beyond repair. I explicated on what I meant. Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying married to her or even to still live with her. It just means find a way to not be angry with her anymore, even if he decided to continue the living arrangement.
This is challenging at best, but particularly so as long as he is still living around the dysfunction. Regardless, it would take time and lots of effort. It starts with the decision to find inner peace. The timing for this decision has to be right, for some people need to come to terms with their anger and reach a place (in mind, spirit, and time) where they are ready to release their resentment. Subsequent steps include accepting that she is mentally sick and can’t help it, monitoring one’s inner voice, and interjecting positive affirmations. A few things that helped me were developing my spirituality, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), Reiki, and dream therapy.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Friday, November 5, 2010
Hindsight 20/20
Hindsight 20/20: My Dysfunctional Stepfamily Experience. How about that for the title of my autobiography I’m writing? I think it fits. It’s not a definite – only a definite maybe.
Circumstances often look clear after the fact, but that isn’t always the case. In mine, it took years before I could look back at it with clarity. It feels good to understand what went wrong and why even though it hurts a little when I think of a few specific big harry messes. Yet, at the same time, those things are forgivable because none of us knew any better. Now, I know what I and my ex should have said and done to get a positive outcome. Most people don’t have that luxury when contemplating past relationships, particularly in stepfamilies.
I distinctly remember the first time I heard of “stepfamily awareness”. I happened across a website on stepfamily dynamics while researching family counseling. Through hyperlinks, I discovered The Stepfamily Association and The Stepfamily Foundation. I was shocked to say the least. Up to that point, I was in the dark. I had no clue there were so many common situations endemic to stepfamilies - tribulations that they don’t exist in nuclear (first) families. Page after page, I was amazed at how much sounded familiar at home. Moreover, there were organizations founded for the shear purpose of educating and helping people in stepfamilies. Wow!
The Stepfamily Foundation had been around since the 70’s! Why hadn’t I heard of it before? The short answer is that I never looked. I had no reason to. I had no reason to question how families work, for I had been in one all my life. My parents divorced as a child and both parents were involved with another. I remembered it vividly and thought I was prepared. I wasn’t expecting anything rosy. I knew there would be snags, but nobody can prepare you for actual stepfamily life unless they have also been in a stepfamily, as an adult. None of my friends or family had been where I was. I am not alone in this. I hear this over and over again from step parents – the shocking reality of being recoupled with children. I, like most people, went into expecting it to transform into a regular family with normal ups and downs. Explaining it to people in first families is moot. That’s why many step parents feel so alone. They no longer feel comfortable talking (venting mostly) to others. They are either misunderstood or criticized. They are sometimes judged for not being a good enough parent to the stepkids or trying to replace the bio parent. Both are unfair and unfounded.
The most challenging coaching I do is with clients who come to me after already being married or living together for 2 or more years. By this time, the tension at home is sometimes so thick it can be cut with a knife. Miscommunication, lack of understanding, unrealistic expectations, and subconscious assumptions cause people to say and do things that would be fine in a first family but cause harm in a stepfamily. Each person acts and reacts according to their own perspective, which is often not aligned with anybody else. Being unable to resolve issues, the hurt feelings multiply and intensify. Yelling becomes a common occurrence. So does disrespect and criticism.
The odds of a family in this dire situation staying together are against them. If this describes your stepfamily, I strongly advise you to seek a Stepfamily Professional. It can be reversed with the right tools. Unless the tools magically appear along with direction of how to use them, this family will continue acting and reacting based on hurt feelings. They will continue to do what they’ve always done and continue to get the same bad results. It is likely to spiral downward out of control.
That is a big part of what happened to us. [Granted, our issues extended far beyond step-related. Based on those, it is likely we would have broken up anyway. However, the many step issues exasperated the excess dysfunction. Handling the step dynamics better may have eased the adversity.] By the time I was enlightened to step differences, the worst of the damage was already done and spiraling out of control. The past could not be taken back. Some of it created scars in everybody. We had already been living together for about 2 years and had dated a year before that. At that time, I did not have the tools necessary to undo what was already done.
Ideally, for a stepfamily in this situation to get on track of healthy functionality, everybody (particularly the adults) should formulate a pact to make a fresh start – a do over. Forgive all past wrongs by everybody due to reason of inexperience. In this case, ignorance is an excuse. Most importantly, it is the only way to get past the bad and move forward in a positive healthy direction. It is easier said than done. In fact, it is the toughest. I usually have to address this within the first month of coaching clients who fit this scenario. I spend a little time explaining probable reasons for so-and-so’s actions, and corroborate it with the person when possible. I give suggestions on how to address it now and similar situations in the future. Then, I create 2 imaginary bags: the “Past, Let’s Forget” bag and the “Future, Let’s not Worry about it” bag. Concerns that so-and-so is going to make the same mistakes get thrown into the “Future…” bag. We can never predict or control if/when somebody else is going to do something. If it’s a behavior that became habitual or is a part of his/her personality, it’s likely the person will repeat it. It takes time to change behaviors and habits. We have to trust that everybody is making a sincere effort, have patience with them, and forgive them when/if they fall short. Habit modification of this kind can be achieved through a 5-step AWAIT process.
Forgiveness is repetitive. I can’t stress this enough. Past wrongs come up again. Sometimes, in other ways; Sometimes, the aftermath or residual effects creep in and become a factor. Some scars never heal. Typically, it’s difficult at best for husbands, wives, Significant Others, and (step)kids to erase the pain or suffering caused by what’s transpired. Sometimes, in a few cases, somebody can find a way to forgive but is unable to continue living there. This is one of many reasons custodial arrangements are altered. In other cases, the stepfamily breaks up. Forgiveness is still vital, though, so the same or similar problems don’t become a factor in the next relationship. Otherwise, it causes emotional baggage with ongoing residual effects.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
Circumstances often look clear after the fact, but that isn’t always the case. In mine, it took years before I could look back at it with clarity. It feels good to understand what went wrong and why even though it hurts a little when I think of a few specific big harry messes. Yet, at the same time, those things are forgivable because none of us knew any better. Now, I know what I and my ex should have said and done to get a positive outcome. Most people don’t have that luxury when contemplating past relationships, particularly in stepfamilies.
I distinctly remember the first time I heard of “stepfamily awareness”. I happened across a website on stepfamily dynamics while researching family counseling. Through hyperlinks, I discovered The Stepfamily Association and The Stepfamily Foundation. I was shocked to say the least. Up to that point, I was in the dark. I had no clue there were so many common situations endemic to stepfamilies - tribulations that they don’t exist in nuclear (first) families. Page after page, I was amazed at how much sounded familiar at home. Moreover, there were organizations founded for the shear purpose of educating and helping people in stepfamilies. Wow!
The Stepfamily Foundation had been around since the 70’s! Why hadn’t I heard of it before? The short answer is that I never looked. I had no reason to. I had no reason to question how families work, for I had been in one all my life. My parents divorced as a child and both parents were involved with another. I remembered it vividly and thought I was prepared. I wasn’t expecting anything rosy. I knew there would be snags, but nobody can prepare you for actual stepfamily life unless they have also been in a stepfamily, as an adult. None of my friends or family had been where I was. I am not alone in this. I hear this over and over again from step parents – the shocking reality of being recoupled with children. I, like most people, went into expecting it to transform into a regular family with normal ups and downs. Explaining it to people in first families is moot. That’s why many step parents feel so alone. They no longer feel comfortable talking (venting mostly) to others. They are either misunderstood or criticized. They are sometimes judged for not being a good enough parent to the stepkids or trying to replace the bio parent. Both are unfair and unfounded.
The most challenging coaching I do is with clients who come to me after already being married or living together for 2 or more years. By this time, the tension at home is sometimes so thick it can be cut with a knife. Miscommunication, lack of understanding, unrealistic expectations, and subconscious assumptions cause people to say and do things that would be fine in a first family but cause harm in a stepfamily. Each person acts and reacts according to their own perspective, which is often not aligned with anybody else. Being unable to resolve issues, the hurt feelings multiply and intensify. Yelling becomes a common occurrence. So does disrespect and criticism.
The odds of a family in this dire situation staying together are against them. If this describes your stepfamily, I strongly advise you to seek a Stepfamily Professional. It can be reversed with the right tools. Unless the tools magically appear along with direction of how to use them, this family will continue acting and reacting based on hurt feelings. They will continue to do what they’ve always done and continue to get the same bad results. It is likely to spiral downward out of control.
That is a big part of what happened to us. [Granted, our issues extended far beyond step-related. Based on those, it is likely we would have broken up anyway. However, the many step issues exasperated the excess dysfunction. Handling the step dynamics better may have eased the adversity.] By the time I was enlightened to step differences, the worst of the damage was already done and spiraling out of control. The past could not be taken back. Some of it created scars in everybody. We had already been living together for about 2 years and had dated a year before that. At that time, I did not have the tools necessary to undo what was already done.
Ideally, for a stepfamily in this situation to get on track of healthy functionality, everybody (particularly the adults) should formulate a pact to make a fresh start – a do over. Forgive all past wrongs by everybody due to reason of inexperience. In this case, ignorance is an excuse. Most importantly, it is the only way to get past the bad and move forward in a positive healthy direction. It is easier said than done. In fact, it is the toughest. I usually have to address this within the first month of coaching clients who fit this scenario. I spend a little time explaining probable reasons for so-and-so’s actions, and corroborate it with the person when possible. I give suggestions on how to address it now and similar situations in the future. Then, I create 2 imaginary bags: the “Past, Let’s Forget” bag and the “Future, Let’s not Worry about it” bag. Concerns that so-and-so is going to make the same mistakes get thrown into the “Future…” bag. We can never predict or control if/when somebody else is going to do something. If it’s a behavior that became habitual or is a part of his/her personality, it’s likely the person will repeat it. It takes time to change behaviors and habits. We have to trust that everybody is making a sincere effort, have patience with them, and forgive them when/if they fall short. Habit modification of this kind can be achieved through a 5-step AWAIT process.
Forgiveness is repetitive. I can’t stress this enough. Past wrongs come up again. Sometimes, in other ways; Sometimes, the aftermath or residual effects creep in and become a factor. Some scars never heal. Typically, it’s difficult at best for husbands, wives, Significant Others, and (step)kids to erase the pain or suffering caused by what’s transpired. Sometimes, in a few cases, somebody can find a way to forgive but is unable to continue living there. This is one of many reasons custodial arrangements are altered. In other cases, the stepfamily breaks up. Forgiveness is still vital, though, so the same or similar problems don’t become a factor in the next relationship. Otherwise, it causes emotional baggage with ongoing residual effects.
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
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