New Year's Resolutions

This is the time of year when people reflect on things they've accomplished or didn't. It is a time of evaluation and planning; a time of preparing to take action and change. The best way to do this is to be honest with yourself. We can't truly improve if we can't see the forest through the trees. Try to step back from your reflections and try to look at it from your partner's view. Or, instead of your partner, choose a person whom you respect and who portrays traits you would like to emulate. How would that person describe the circumstances you're evaluating and possibly want to change? You don't have to share your answer with anybody. Keep it to yourself, but be as honest as possible.

Look at both the positive and negative aspects - the big picture. Congratulate yourself for all of the positive. Reward yourself. Now, plan to change the negative. If it's a big list, don't try to change it all at once. Taking on too much change all at once, depending on what it is, could doom you to failure. At least, it may stack odds against your success. This is the best way, IMO, to choose New Year's Resolutions, because it increases your chances of achieving them.

The next best way to increase your odds of accomplishment is to have a solid action plan on how to resolve what you'd like to change. Many people often leave out this step and wonder why they weren't able to keep their resolutions. Some of those people spend excessive amount of time criticizing themselves for failure. This is unproductive. Spend some time working through the details of how you achieve your new year's resolution. Don't be shy about getting a buddy to work on the same goal or to ask for support from the people who are closest to you. Support and encouragement goes a long way in helping people, but it is often undermined.

One of my new year's resolutions is to work on balancing my mind, body, and spirit. My action plan includes specific times on when I will meditate, work, and do yoga. It includes the type of yoga, props, and an instructional video because I just started yoga a couple days ago. I already scheduled yoga classes to be recorded from the FitTV cable channel. This is one small example of how I plan to achieve my New Year's Resolution per my suggestion above. It is fairly simple instead of elaborate, but it is still specific. The next part of my plan is to implement this new regime for 40 days and track my progress daily.

This is part of a process I call AWAIT. It is an acronym for the following: Awareness, Willingness, Action plan, Implementation, and Tracking. You can read the full article here.

For other tips on choosing and keeping new year's resolutions, I recommend watching this short video of my friend, Coach Jenn Lee, who has had success helping many people. It is called How to keep a New Year's Resolution.

Good Luck! Feel free to keep me posted on your progress.


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach,
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

Have a Happy Holiday Season

I hope everybody has a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or other festival, and an enjoyable holiday season!

Please remember 2 things:
1) Take time for yourself as well. Giving is what Christmas is about, but give to yourself as well. Give yourself quality time of relaxation or to do something you enjoy. Savor the time with your family.

2) The best gift you can give your children, whether step or biological, is to not argue with the other biological or step parent. If they aren't around to argue with, don't talk bad about them. This is a sign of your love for them because it is truly in their best interest.

Best Regards,


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

The Legal Rights Of Step-Parents

This video discusses a sensitive topic. Step parents are "legal strangers". This is a sad reality in times of a medical emergency. There are other circumstances as well in which a child's needs can be compromised due to this legal misfortune. Biological parents can change it, if they choose, through legal documents. In order for that to happen, both biological parents have to agree to set aside any differences with each other or the step parent, in favor of the child's needs.

This is a particularly poignant topic for me as I've personal experience as a step mom without legal rights. I had an unrealistic expectation of being a "normal family" when I first became an acting stepmom. ["Acting StepMom" was a term I created because I was cohabitating with my boyfriend and wasn't legally married.] I wanted to be involved and make a difference. After helping my boyfriend's son with his homework, checking his homework, signing off on assignments, it was always disappointing (to put it mildly) that I was not invited or welcome at parent-teacher conferences. It seemed wrong to me since I was the main person involved with the rest of the educational process - all aspects of homework.

On top of that, when my boyfriend's son was in an accident at school, they were not allowed to give me any information. I was the only person home, which was the first number called. I was left in the dark to worry. After fervently trying to get a hold of my boyfriend at work (as did the school), all I could do was wait. I felt like a glorified babysitter without the glory. Yet, I was expected to put my life on hold to care for him when he was in a body cast and couldn't go to school. I was the one who made sure his homework was picked up from school and dropped off completed. When there was an issue pertaining to his educational needs, I talked to various people at the school, including the principal, to make sure the issue was taken care of. For that, they knew me personally, even though they never knew how to address me. I was the girlfriend of the dad of the student. Usually, they didn't spell out the full title.



Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

What is a Dysfunctional Stepfamily?

A dysfunctional stepfamily results when a dysfunctional first family transitions into a stepfamily, by either cohabitation or marriage. Additionally, two healthy first families can produce a dysfunctional stepfamily, by cohabitation or marriage, if they have unrealistic expectations or don’t know how to make a cohesive stepfamily from two different families.

Stepfamily dynamics begin the minute a single parent becomes seriously involved with a partner and the new partner starts interacting with the kids. A stepfamily is formed when the single family and new partner move in together (cohabitate) or get married. A single family refers to either a never-married parent or a couple who is divorced, widowed, or separated but not legally divorced. Of course, this includes any adult, regardless or marital status and without children, who become seriously involved with a single parent.

The next logical question is to define a dysfunctional family. The definition has evolved over the decades with societal trends, and varies by researcher or statistic-gathering team. I define a dysfunctional family as a family unit who is emotionally or physically unhealthy. This includes sexual abuse, although I don’t discuss the subject here. Happiness, or rather unhappiness, is entirely different. Happiness refers to an emotion, whereas unhealthiness refers to a state of being or a state of mind. It is a long-term situational condition; whereas happiness is temporary. One’s happiness can change in minutes, hours, or days. An unhealthy living environment is ongoing. A person can be happy in an unhealthy environment or unhappy in a healthy environment.

A happy person in an unhealthy (dysfunctional) family may mean he/she is unaware of how unhealthy it is. In most cases, this would be a young child who may not be a target of unhealthy attitudes, not exposed to them, or simply doesn’t get what is going on around them. There are also many cases of adults who don’t know if their living arrangement is unhealthy enough to warrant leaving. They don’t want to be deemed a failure for giving up – quitting. Some people don’t recognize the warning signs because they can’t see the forest through the trees. Others don’t recognize red flags because they were raised in a similar dysfunctional environment. Adult children of divorce are more vulnerable to dysfunctional relationships because their parents were unable to model a healthy relationship. These are only a few possible explanations for becoming or joining a dysfunctional family. Researchers have come up with many more.

Divorce does not automatically beget dysfunction. Many single parents do a phenomenal job raising their children in a very healthy atmosphere. My mom is one example. I was shocked when a friend of mine had labeled my family as dysfunctional because I never felt that way. Likewise, he was shocked that I was in a dysfunctional family because of how well-adjusted I was. Respect and hospitality for everybody, and other healthy qualities, were commonplace in our house. Mom raised us without shame and never spoke badly about my dad, in spite of being an alcoholic and having an affair. My self-esteem had remained intact in large part due to my mom’s perspective and demeanor. Hence, my definition of dysfunction is unrelated to marital status or family structure.

How does somebody figure out if they are in a dysfunctional relationship? Moreover, how does one decide when it would be better to leave than stay? Disagreements, miscommunication, and unhappy times exist in healthy relationships. Couples in them try to ignore occasional unresolved issues. Nobody can be happy all the time. Everybody has bad days. All children test their parents and try to get away with something wrong. They don’t always listen and obey. Many parents argue about how and when to punish their children. Therefore, the mere existence of these ordeals does not define dysfunction.

Dysfunction is characterized by an excessive amount of arguments, unresolved issues, and unhappy times. Depression, addiction, and other behavior or personality disorders are often found in members of a dysfunctional family. Gottman and Markman derived the Four Horsemen to narrow down reasons relationships fail: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are grounds by which to re-evaluate your method of resolving conflict.

Ask yourself the following questions to help you determine if you are in a dysfunctional (step)family. Then rate your answers with the frequency: never, rarely, sometimes, most of the time, or always.
1. Do you care if arguments are resolved?
2. Do you enjoy spending time with your partner?
3. Does your partner make you smile by doing any of the following: complimenting you, doing something nice for you, say thank you/show appreciation, or remember special occasions?
4. Do you feel comfortable discussing personal concerns with your partner?
5. Do you feel that you and your partner are a team working together?

If you answered ‘most of the time’ or ‘always’ to 3 or more questions, congratulations! You are in a healthy relationship. If you answered ‘sometimes’ or ‘rarely’ to 3 or more questions, you are susceptible to unhealthy communication patterns. I suggest taking measures to improve communication or boost the romance with your partner, such as taking classes through your church or finding a common interest in a couples social group. Reading books or doing research on the internet would also benefit. If you answered ‘never’ to 2 or more questions but did not answer ‘most of the time’ or ‘always’ to any question, I strongly suggest you should take the time to do some soul-searching and get a professional opinion. These questions are only a guideline to set you in the right direction. Only you know if your situation is the best environment for you. Many professionals offer free evaluations or feedback.



Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

One Thanksgiving in a Dysfunctional Stepfamily – A True Story

I hope everybody had an exceptional Thanksgiving Day, stayed safe, had enough to eat, and found plenty of things to be grateful for. Blessings to you! This blog entry is not targeted to you.

This blog is targeted to the folks who had trouble finding things to be thankful for or otherwise had a miserable Thanksgiving. We all want to be happy, particularly on holidays. We like to think of Thanksgiving Day as an opportunity to spend quality time with loved ones – close friends or family. We like to laugh, share stories and food, and maybe play games together. In fact, this is what I did yesterday. However, not all of my Thanksgiving Days have been good. As much as I’d like to believe it was isolated to only my family for 1 year, I know that isn’t the case. It is an unfortunate reality that many people spend the holidays alone, depressed, knee-deep in arguments, fielding inquiries from police, or some other unfortunate circumstance.

The following is a true story of my Thanksgiving Day several years ago. It is one illustration of one holiday in a highly dysfunctional stepfamily. I decided to share this personal story so that other people who have had a depressing holiday may be able to feel better about their day. Sometimes, hearing of others’ misfortune makes us feel better about ours; it reminds us that somebody somewhere is in a worse position. This story is for you.

It was the first Thanksgiving I was going to spend with my boyfriend’s family. His entire family was going to be there: his dad, stepmom, kids, granddaughter, brothers, sisters, nephews, and nieces. I was very nervous to say the least. I figured it was going to be awkward and was feeling leery. On the other hand, I was looking forward to finally getting a taste of deep-fried turkey. It was our job to bring the kosher foods tray. I spent a considerable time finding the tiered serving tray and arranging the variety of pickles and olives in a way to make it presentable for a high-class affair. I had no idea I was going to be the only one eating it as I spent the day alone.

His children, who were living with their mother, would meet us at his sister’s house, about 11:30 AM or so. Plans changed early in the day when his daughter called. She had a major argument with her mom, which got a little physical. I don’t recall specific details, but know she was in a very bad mood and hid the car keys. Her mom called the police. I believe the intention was to have her removed from the premises. My boyfriend went over to try and resolve matters. He took my cell phone, since he didn’t have one, to call his sister and tell her we’d all be late. He was supposed to call me with updates. He also took my car because his daughter and not-quite-ex (they weren’t legally divorced) was borrowing his. They didn’t have a car, so he and I shared mine. The new plan was to resolve the issue and come back to pick me up so we could all go to his sister’s together.

He did not take me with him for 2 main reasons. One: he didn’t like to involve me in their personal struggles; Two: I was not allowed inside their house, so I would’ve had to wait out in the cold in the car or driveway. I didn’t mind staying at home, though, because I wanted to spend a little longer making the food tray look presentable.

A long time passed before I got a call. He shared very little, but it was clear we wouldn’t make it to his sister’s before they started eating. I was still expecting to go whenever his daughter would give up the car keys or they finally found them. Hours passed without a word. I called my cell phone a few times, but nobody answered. I no longer had any clue of what was going on.

At first, I tried to hold out on eating, but was too hungry to restrain. Then I remembered that we hadn’t had time to go grocery shopping yet due to the crazy schedule that week. The only part of the tray I liked was the pickles. I thought about finding a restaurant that was open on Thanksgiving, but remembered I had no transportation. I thought of calling his family to come get me, but their phone numbers were stored in my cell phone. So let’s recap. I was home alone. I had no food other than pickles and olives, and I didn’t like olives. I had no transportation to drive anywhere. I couldn’t reach my ex and didn’t have his family’s phone numbers. I wouldn’t know what to tell them anyway, because he didn’t want to share this stuff with them either.

I wasn’t really looking forward to spending an awkward day amongst his family. Yet, I would’ve given anything to do that over being alone. This was my third Thanksgiving in this cold state, far from my immediate family, and the previous 2 were no picnic either. I missed my family tremendously. I would’ve given anything to be back home that day. Instead, I cried while thinking of home. I called my mom, sisters, and friends to vent and cry on a virtual shoulder. My Thanksgiving dinner turned out to be a bologna sandwich and a few pickles. It didn’t fill me up, but I didn’t have much of an appetite.

My ex finally came home after dark. Apparently his daughter had got physical with him too, which resulted in his face getting scratched. She said many hurtful things to him and everybody else. She never turned over the car keys. They never found them. He finally got tired of lecturing her or whatever he was doing for so many hours. He made it clear to her that she ruined many people’s Thanksgiving Day that year. I found out later that his sister had called my cell phone several times. She was going to offer to come pick me up, but she thought I was with him at their house dealing with all the issues.

This type of episode was not that unusual, but happening on a holiday was the worst timing. In a society which prefers touching inspirational stories that make people smile, this story is made of stuff we don’t like to talk about or acknowledge. As sad as this story is, I’m sure somebody else can top it with a worse story. To everybody who feels their Thanksgiving was better, I sincerely hope you can realize all the wonderful things in your life to be gracious for. If you still can’t find something, write me so I can help you find it.


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

Even Frenemies Deserve a Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you and your family have a safe enjoyable holiday.

Whether you are traveling or staying home, Thanksgiving can be stressful. If you are traveling, you may have to deal with crowds in traffic, the airport, or the bus station. If you have to stop at the store, you’re dealing with other people who are in a rush and often not paying attention to anything or anybody except the focus of what they need at that moment. If you are staying at home, you are likely cooking, possibly for many people. Maybe you’ll be host. Or maybe you are a lucky one who only has to show up and enjoy the day – or wade through other people’s stress. If you are the latter person, I’m happy for you. Congratulations! Enjoy. To everybody else, please try to be patient with everybody else. Assume they are dealing with some sort of stress and give them the benefit of the doubt in all situations, even if only to keep Thanksgiving Day a day to be grateful for even small things.

Many personalities converge in the same place at the same time. Drinking is a part of many households. Football or other sports on tv is fodder for team rivalry. The temperature in some houses is high due to the heat from the cooking or the crowded space. Finally, there could be a new addition – a step member – in a family, possibly one who is not accepted as part of the family. Oddly, it seems nobody knows how to push buttons like family members. All of these factors add to the stress of individuals. Even close-knit families have their share of arguments. Multiply that stress factor by ten to have an idea of the stress level in a dysfunctional stepfamily. Highly dysfunctional stepfamilies can increase the factor another tenfold.

It is common to have frenemies within a family. If you are not familiar with the word, see my previous post in Oct about frenemies. They are even more common in stepfamilies, although individuals don’t like to admit it. It’s ok to continue keeping it a secret. Some step parents think of their step children as frenemies. Likewise, some step children think of their step parent in the same manner. Ex-spouses, in-laws, the non-custodial parent, some bio parents, and even some (step) grandparents can all be frenemies to somebody somewhere.

Regardless of your position within the family or stepfamily, whether you are a newbie or maybe meeting a newbie, a frenemy or not, you deserve to be treated with dignity. Likewise, everybody else, step or bio, newbie or long-timer, related or not, deserves to be treated with dignity. You don’t know the extent of stress each person is under. Nor do you know their threshold and what would tip them over the edge. Please keep this in mind. If you know somebody’s buttons, please make an effort to not push them. If somebody else pushes your button, try to ignore it. Muster up a smile if you can. Maybe you should decide to just go along for the ride, so to speak, and let things roll off your back. Decide to enjoy yourself no matter what.

Keep in mind that it could be worse. There is always somebody who is less fortunate, who has less or nothing, and who wants something you have but can’t have it. Many people don’t have any family or don’t have a place they consider home. So, even if you feel uncomfortable or stressed, there is always something to be thankful for. This includes your family or your frenemy.

Please be safe. Try to relax and enjoy thanksgiving. Most importantly, be grateful for everything you have.

Happy Thanksgiving!



Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

Practical Strategies for Dealing with BioMom

These strategies helped me immensely. I put it in outline format in order to make it easier and quicker to read. It is in response to the plethora of outcry I hear from StepMoms about a BM who is tough to deal with.

1) Distinguish what you can control and what you can’t.
a. In every situation, ask yourself the following questions:
i. Can I control this?
ii. Can I control a part of this?
iii. What is my part?
b. Stop. Rethink.
i. What other options do I have, that I can control?
ii. What can/should I do differently?
iii. Can/will DH help me with this?
2) Change the story
a. It takes time and effort to alter our emotional reaction.
b. Replace negative thoughts with neutral thoughts. Every time you get upset while thinking of something BM said or did, stop and tell yourself the following:
i. She can’t help it. She likely cannot control this obsessive behavior.
ii. I feel sorry for her that she cannot get past the divorce/separation and move on.
iii. I’m glad I’m not that insecure.
iv. How sad that she is not at inner peace and chooses to be spiteful! I choose to not react in kind. I will not bring myself down to that level of behavior.
v. I don’t want to give her power over me. I can get past this regardless of what she does.
3) Release and let go
a. Your feelings are valid. You may want to hold onto your anger or pain because she truly has mal-intentions. However, it stands in your way of inner peace and your ability to be the best YOU you can be. You can’t give your all when you’re mired in anger or hurt feelings.
b. Vent if you need to, preferably to somebody who understands and has been in a similar situation, but who won’t fuel your anger.
c. Develop strategies to relax
i. Hot bath
ii. Yoga, kick boxing, running, or other physical fitness
iii. Find a hobby or pastime – something that reminds you of who you are so you won’t lose a sense of yourself while wearing the different hats (BM, StepMom, Wife/SO, career woman, etc)
4) Become numb and unemotional when defending accusations and lies from BM. Defend yourself calmly, whether to your skids or DH.
a. "I didn’t say/do that. That is incorrect."
i. No long explanation/defense is necessary unless DH believes it and is concerned about it.
ii. Skids don’t need to know adult business – only that the statement is not true. Leave it to DH to defend you more if that is necessary.
b. "She is obviously confused or she misunderstood."
i. Even if you know her intentions are malicious and fallacious
ii. Give her the benefit of the doubt, especially to the children.
iii. Don’t feel guilty because you may be fibbing. It is a white lie that will have neutral to positive repercussions.
c. "She is entitled to her opinion. It’s up to you to make up your own mind and form your own opinion."
i. This will work in your favor, especially if DH has a similar conversation with the kids and defends you.
d. Get used to this. So will the kids.
i. The less emotions you show about BM, the bigger the reward.
ii. Eventually the kids will figure out the truth. That may be a sad day for BM. They will forgive her, though, because she is BM. The biological bond is that strong.
iii. In the meantime, you keep your sanity, are more productive, and can give 110% again when wearing the different hats.



Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

A Little About Co-dependency

Co-dependency is an unhealthy psychological need to be needed.

There is a difference between helping somebody and doing everything for them. Helping somebody is providing them with something they need but don’t already have in order to accomplish a certain task or goal. It could be an object, money, or knowledge of how to do something. It is a way of empowering them to finish on their own. In this manner, they achieve a sense of accomplishment. Doing everything for another person doesn’t give them the resources they need to put them on a higher standing. Nor will it allow them to learn how to do it. Provisions to help that person should be used in a way they can earn more resources, thus gaining status or ground compared to where they were prior to asking for help. Otherwise, the next time that person needs to accomplish the same or similar task, he/she will again need to ask for help. As long as the person never learns how to do it or isn’t able to gain extra resources, he/she stays dependent on others.

Consider the famous quote from Jerry McGuire to Rod Tidwell in the movie, Jerry McGuire, “Help me, Rod. Help me to help you.” Neither character was co-dependent, but this reflects the sentiment. There should be contribution from the person being helped, like a team. Healthy teamwork is both people working for the same purpose and is the quickest way to reach the goal.

Co-dependents help to an extreme, sometimes to the point of leaving themselves with little to no resources. Their self-worth is tied to benefiting others. In other words, they only feel good about themselves when they are helping others. Because it is a deep-seeded psychological issue (residing in their sub-conscious), they are not consciously aware how they keep another dependent. Nor can they see how this behavior is unhealthy to either themselves or the other person.

My ex is a co-dependent. For a short while, the mother of his children was clinically depressed to the point of being suicidal. Being unemployed did not help her mental state; nor did her use of alcohol or marijuana. We helped her financially in many ways. My ex even put her car and tags in his name. I drew the line at adding her to my car insurance. Long after she was employed and making good money, my ex continued to do most things for her, even though she was able. She continued to ask because he continued to do. After over a year of employment and making decent money, she was unable to effectively budget and spent too much at a local bar. Once when we were on vacation, she called repeatedly to have him pay a utility bill with his credit card. She could have paid in person with a money order or cash. I wonder if her dependency was in higher gear because he was with me. Regardless, my ex exhibited co-dependent behavior by agreeing to do it. At the most, he could have held her hand (metaphorically) to give her emotional support and encouragement. At the least, he could’ve put his foot down and did nothing – a form of tough love. (This is when tough love is most beneficial.) If he had limited his help and pushed her into action, she probably would have stopped expecting more. For example, lend her money once in awhile, put the car and tags in her name, and make her pay her own bills.

There are many misconceptions on co-dependency. Most people have not studied the subject at length so the misnomer is forgivable. The co-dependent label is readily applied to anybody who is in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. True, they are commonly in long-term relationships with addicts of drugs or alcohol. Instead of trying to help the addict overcome the abuse, they enable the user. The user stays dependent on the substance, as well as the co-dependent partner. However, not all co-dependents are with addicts; not all addicts are with co-dependents.

I fall into this latter category. My first long-term boyfriend in high school was an alcoholic. As such, I was told I was co-dependent, but I didn’t fit the profile. I couldn’t comprehend how I could be co-dependent when I have the opposite personality. In fact, his alcoholism was the major contributing factor I broke up with him. After his friends lay him in my car passed out from drinking too much, I couldn’t figure out how to get him in the house. A few nights like this when I had to go to school the next day were too much for me. Learning more about addiction and co-dependency from a psychological and sociological perspective in college confirmed what I had already known. It also led me to discover the true reason I had entered into a relationship with an alcoholic – because my dad was an alcoholic. My dad warned me against drugs, but not alcohol. He showed me the normalcy of drinking and going to bars. Dating a drinker as a teen seemed natural. I considered myself to be weak because I broke up with him instead of staying and helping him. Luckily, my education taught me how to recognize warning signs. Experience taught me how to avoid unhealthy situations and manage healthy ones.


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

Things I Learned Professionally and Personally

1) Conflict of Loyalties between step and biology.
Stepchildren often feel conflicted about liking their stepmom. Internally, they worry it means they like their mom less. This feeling is pronounced when the BioMom outwardly disapproves of the StepMom.

Tucking my ex-boyfriend’s son into bed was special to me. It was usually reserved for his dad, and he seldom requested me to. So whenever he asked me to do it, I cherished it more than he’ll ever know. For the few days afterward, he seemed more distant and argumentative, and almost always called his mom to take him somewhere. A long time would pass before he asked me to tuck him in again. At the time, I was confused and a little hurt. In reality, he was getting used to me. He liked me. He liked being tucked into bed. But, he was afraid of going against his mom, who did not hide her disdain for me. He felt he was not supposed to like me, as if it was somehow wrong. His dad and I were arguing a lot, too. Even if we didn’t argue in front of him, he could tell. This made it more confusing for his son to figure out my standing in the family. At the least, it made it harder for him to *want* to get close to me, for fear of losing somebody he cares about (again). [He didn’t like to be alone and already went through a family separation.] We can all relate to that. Many step parents are concerned about the same thing. I was.

2) Household rules need to be accompanied by predetermined consequences that need to be consistently enforced by bio parent (and step).

Many divorced parents develop guilt over putting their kids through a divorce. Some parents with joint custody turn into a holiday parent. Both of these scenarios contribute to less or inconsistent disciplining. When they become involved with a new person and form a stepfamily, the discipline usually doesn’t resume to how it was prior to the divorce. Because the step parent has a different style of discipline, arguments between the adults (step and bio) regarding discipline become prevalent. It is one of the top complaints among parents in stepfamilies. One suggestion is to form household rules agreed upon by both parents. Call a family meeting to announce changes and address questions. Be sure to call them “household” rules, which do not necessarily reflect rules in other bio parent’s house. Secondly, be sure to note that bio parent (over step parent) approved them to reduce resentment from kids. Consequences for breaking the rules should be mentioned during the meeting. As long as they are enforced consistently by bio parent, kids won’t resent the step parent when he/she tries to enforce them.

This was a huge issue in our house. When my stepson came to live with my now ex-boyfriend and I, the role of holiday parent switched from my ex-boyfriend to BioMom. However, my boyfriend did not resume discipline and was never able to enforce his own rules. One example is his son’s bedtime. Because my ex regularly made exceptions on bedtime, havoc ensued whenever I tried to put his son to bed when he wasn’t home. I was told, “Dad never makes me go to bed now.” I’d respond by referencing his dad’s rule, but there was no way to get away from him resenting me. I see similar stories in many of the stepfamilies I work with. An occasional exception is ok, but the precedence has to be established first.

3) The key for a step parent to build rapport and a caring relationship with step children is a delicate balance between mentoring, caring for their needs, and stepping back.

The role of step parent is precarious in that the children, spouse, and ex-spouse each have different expectations of the step parent, none of which are clearly defined. There is a constant potential of being criticized for either doing too much or not enough. Trying to be the best step parent ever – a Super Step – would likely cause the step children to resist and pull away. Sucking up to the children wouldn’t earn a step parent respect. Ironically, being too lax and uninvolved would have the same effect.

Step children need time to get used to the new family situation. They also need to have quality alone time with each biological parent, when possible. As long as their basic needs are met, they will feel wanted and loved.

My stepson found comfort in knowing there was always somebody available to provide for his needs: after-school snack, money for school lunch, clean clothes, and various other things. He knew he could rely on me to help him, but that he could also call his mom whenever he wanted. Likewise, he had many quality father-son times that were special to him. He felt wanted and loved, which was healthy.


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

Reaction to Stepmom Success: How to Deal with the Ex-Wife

This blog is written in reaction to referenced-article on Huffington Post dated Nov 11, 2010. Based on posted comments, I know I'm not the only person who feels this way.

They say that parenthood is a thankless job, but I say BioMoms and BioDads get thanks and recognition regularly. Step parenting is a truly thankless job. It takes time to build rapport with stepkids. Step parents are often criticized for being too much like a parent or not loving the children like their own – damned if they do, damned if they don’t. There is always a risk of being verbally attacked by either bio parent for overstepping bounds they didn’t know existed. I’d like to change these double standards. This article, although giving a few positive tips for being a good step-mom, does more to perpetuate her tireless thankless job. Additionally, it could fuel resentment toward BioMom as well as frustration over feeling powerless in dealing with her.

I want to be clear that I agree with most of the article. StepMoms have to accept the BioMom as having first dibs on whatever part of parenting they want. BioMom should be allowed to call or pick up the children anytime she likes, provided she makes proper arrangements, preferably in advance, with BioDad. (BioDad should consult his significant other on this.) Complimenting BioMom in the presence of the kids is a good idea. Doing it in front of BioMom depends on the situation and BioMom’s behavior. Bad behavior of BioMom should not be condoned or placated. Ignoring it is a good idea, but don’t reward it by complimenting her. It may encourage her to continue. StepMoms need to remember that BioMom may very well be insane – possibly in the literal sense. Nothing we say or do will change or control her. We should never do anything that mimics or disrespects her, regardless of what she says or does. I advocate all of that when coaching stepfamilies. None of it means StepMoms are powerless or don’t have a say.

StepMoms have power and control in their house, if they work as a team with BioDad. If BioDad has an effective co-parenting arrangement with BioMom, AND values input from his betrothed, StepMoms have real power. They have power in their rapport with the kids in spite of BM. Their power is in their ability to maintain composure and continue to unwaveringly support their steipkids in whatever way is necessary. This article claims StepMoms should keep their mouth shut. I say to only keep it shut in the presence of BioMom and the children. Venting to friends or family about her is beneficial in releasing frustration, but could potentially fuel the resentment. Learning how to set up and maintain boundaries is a better option. A professional Stepfamily Professional or professional-based support group could help.

I have personal experience with dealing with an ex-wife. I remember when I concluded the BioMom was insane. Truly, I thought, there was no other explanation for her behavior. The impetus was “Cody and the Hammer Incident”. Only people who were there know what I’m talking about. BioDad didn’t even know what to think. Prior to that incident, I had spent over a year trying very hard to like her. In the beginning, I liked her without a 2nd thought. Why wouldn’t I? My SO was a great guy. Surely he picked a good 1st woman. However, people and circumstances change consistently. This doesn’t mean she was no longer good; it means I shouldn’t have high expectations. Incident after incident made it difficult for me to like her. Gradually, my feelings changed to neutral. They wavered on dislike immediately before the above-mentioned incident. I didn’t like the thought of disliking somebody because it goes against the grain of who I am. This incident left me with no other conclusion than her insanity. With repeated incidents over the following year, I eventually came to strongly dislike her, and then hate her. No, it wasn’t right; but it was accurately how I felt.

In spite of how I felt about her, I always did my best to treat her as another human being with emotions and problems just like the rest of us. In spite of how she felt about me, on 2 occasions over the 2 ½ year period, she kissed me on the cheek. If I can get that result in spite of being clueless about step dynamics, I can only imagine the positive results I would’ve got if I knew how to handle other situations better.

My initial immediate reaction to the mentioned article was rage. My instinct told me the author is a BioMom who is resentful of her kids’ StepMom. I, for one, am tired of reading articles of how step parents have to step back, repress there emotions, and accept Bio parents without question. I want to read more articles addressed to BioMom on how to accept their divorce and their ex’s new wife. I want to read articles suggesting that BioMom learn how to respect the StepMom and not overstep her bounds on her ex-husband’s new relationship. I think many StepMom’s will agree with me. My secondary reaction to the article came from my professional practical side. It doesn’t alter what I just said, but acknowledges that most of the article was correct. The nature of stepfamilies is complicated. Step parents have rights, but they also need to tread lightly.

A better article, in my opinion, would be how StepMoms can deal with the ex-wife in spite of her insanity. I don’t really think BioMoms are insane, but they are insecure and don’t fully grasp how strong the biological bond is with their children. The nature of stepfamilies means BioMom cannot be around their children 24/7. The vast majority of StepMoms are not trying to take over as Mom. Women with a maternal instinct cannot repress or eliminate it. Nor should they. I advocate that BioMom’s accept StepMom’s as a substitute when they are not around, which happens frequently in stepfamilies, per inherent dynamics of step families. By substitute, I mean secondary. StepMoms deserve respect and support from both Bio parents because they are doing a tough job – tougher than bio parenting.



Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

Forgiveness Doesn't Mean Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship

In its simplest form, forgiveness means to not feel ill-will toward somebody who wronged you. It means to not be angry at that person anymore. If you are in a relationship with that person, it also means not to bring up the wrong in future arguments. If you’re forgiving an ex, it is a step toward healing and finding closure.

Many people don’t understand why I defend my ex. When I first share personal memories, a common reaction I get is “What an a$$-hole!”
“No,” I say, “actually he is a really nice guy.”
“Then why aren’t you with him, if he’s so nice?”
“It’s a long complicated story.” Depending on the person and direction of the conversation, I may explain more. Usually, it’s not necessary. To some, I add how many loyal friends he has because of how much he’s helped them and how everybody who met him liked him immediately.
“So you’re still in love with him, huh?”
“No. Why do you say that?”

I’ve had this conversation with several people. The words vary, but the sentiment remains. It reflects a pervasive viewpoint of our society: being a victim and resenting our ex. On top of this, we naively believe that love is enough to make any relationship work. So if it doesn’t work, naturally somebody maliciously wronged the other. It is counter-intuitive to believe a relationship ended if both people were still in love with each other. It’s equally counter-intuitive to not be angry with our ex unless we’re still in love with him (her). People identify with the person they’re talking to. They hear my perspective, but filter it through their own, which includes this societal attitude. When I’m explaining what happened to me, I come across as the victim, even though it is not my intention. Because I am considered an insider to them, they naturally put themselves in my position and pass judgment on my ex, whom they consider an outsider. If/when my ex talks about our failed relationship, they probably conclude I am a bitch and he is the victim. They are insiders to him, but outsiders to me.

By no means was it easy to forgive him. It took a long time, but I was determined to get rid of my emotional baggage. I did not want to live with it. Intellectually, I could rationalize several reasons he deserved to be forgiven. Emotionally, though, it was much tougher. He hurt me deeply. Intelligence and emotions are two different parts of us. One generates from the mind; the other from the heart. People’s words and actions are a result of what they feel rather than what they think, for emotions extend deep into our subconscious. As difficult as it was to forgive him, it was 100 times more difficult to forgive the mother of his children. By the time I left, I hated the women. I despised her so bad that shivers would run down my spine whenever I heard her name mentioned, even if it was in reference to a different person with the same name. Many stepmoms can relate exactly to what I’m talking about. If I was able to overcome that, then others can too.

In the process of educating myself on step dynamics, I discovered how I contributed to some of the things that went wrong. It was a blow to my pride because I always had the best of intentions. I truly cared for his kids’ wellbeing and gave my all to make it work. The thought that I should’ve done things differently was tough to grasp. Like my ex, I was clueless. I handled things based on my experiences of what worked for me elsewhere, so why didn’t it work there? Stepfamilies operate differently. Because I didn’t get that, I had to forgive myself of the things I did wrong, which was also tough for me.

A male friend once asked me how he can forgive his wife when there is no way he could stay with her. Like me and many others, applying this concept was confusing. She purposely deceived and manipulated him, on top of telling numerous lies. Nobody could blame him for being angry with her. In fact, most would feel he was righteous in his anger. However, splitting the household at that time would have caused other problems he wasn’t ready for yet. He needed to have some semblance of peace at home for the sake of his own sanity and the emotional well-being of his daughter. I suggested he try not to argue with his wife, but she would constantly bully him until he gave in and argued back. [Incessantly angry people want to argue and continually find reasons to dispute.] The yelling sometimes turned into throwing and breaking things. One night the computer got broken beyond repair. I explicated on what I meant. Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying married to her or even to still live with her. It just means find a way to not be angry with her anymore, even if he decided to continue the living arrangement.

This is challenging at best, but particularly so as long as he is still living around the dysfunction. Regardless, it would take time and lots of effort. It starts with the decision to find inner peace. The timing for this decision has to be right, for some people need to come to terms with their anger and reach a place (in mind, spirit, and time) where they are ready to release their resentment. Subsequent steps include accepting that she is mentally sick and can’t help it, monitoring one’s inner voice, and interjecting positive affirmations. A few things that helped me were developing my spirituality, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), Reiki, and dream therapy.


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

Hindsight 20/20

Hindsight 20/20: My Dysfunctional Stepfamily Experience. How about that for the title of my autobiography I’m writing? I think it fits. It’s not a definite – only a definite maybe.

Circumstances often look clear after the fact, but that isn’t always the case. In mine, it took years before I could look back at it with clarity. It feels good to understand what went wrong and why even though it hurts a little when I think of a few specific big harry messes. Yet, at the same time, those things are forgivable because none of us knew any better. Now, I know what I and my ex should have said and done to get a positive outcome. Most people don’t have that luxury when contemplating past relationships, particularly in stepfamilies.

I distinctly remember the first time I heard of “stepfamily awareness”. I happened across a website on stepfamily dynamics while researching family counseling. Through hyperlinks, I discovered The Stepfamily Association and The Stepfamily Foundation. I was shocked to say the least. Up to that point, I was in the dark. I had no clue there were so many common situations endemic to stepfamilies - tribulations that they don’t exist in nuclear (first) families. Page after page, I was amazed at how much sounded familiar at home. Moreover, there were organizations founded for the shear purpose of educating and helping people in stepfamilies. Wow!

The Stepfamily Foundation had been around since the 70’s! Why hadn’t I heard of it before? The short answer is that I never looked. I had no reason to. I had no reason to question how families work, for I had been in one all my life. My parents divorced as a child and both parents were involved with another. I remembered it vividly and thought I was prepared. I wasn’t expecting anything rosy. I knew there would be snags, but nobody can prepare you for actual stepfamily life unless they have also been in a stepfamily, as an adult. None of my friends or family had been where I was. I am not alone in this. I hear this over and over again from step parents – the shocking reality of being recoupled with children. I, like most people, went into expecting it to transform into a regular family with normal ups and downs. Explaining it to people in first families is moot. That’s why many step parents feel so alone. They no longer feel comfortable talking (venting mostly) to others. They are either misunderstood or criticized. They are sometimes judged for not being a good enough parent to the stepkids or trying to replace the bio parent. Both are unfair and unfounded.

The most challenging coaching I do is with clients who come to me after already being married or living together for 2 or more years. By this time, the tension at home is sometimes so thick it can be cut with a knife. Miscommunication, lack of understanding, unrealistic expectations, and subconscious assumptions cause people to say and do things that would be fine in a first family but cause harm in a stepfamily. Each person acts and reacts according to their own perspective, which is often not aligned with anybody else. Being unable to resolve issues, the hurt feelings multiply and intensify. Yelling becomes a common occurrence. So does disrespect and criticism.

The odds of a family in this dire situation staying together are against them. If this describes your stepfamily, I strongly advise you to seek a Stepfamily Professional. It can be reversed with the right tools. Unless the tools magically appear along with direction of how to use them, this family will continue acting and reacting based on hurt feelings. They will continue to do what they’ve always done and continue to get the same bad results. It is likely to spiral downward out of control.

That is a big part of what happened to us. [Granted, our issues extended far beyond step-related. Based on those, it is likely we would have broken up anyway. However, the many step issues exasperated the excess dysfunction. Handling the step dynamics better may have eased the adversity.] By the time I was enlightened to step differences, the worst of the damage was already done and spiraling out of control. The past could not be taken back. Some of it created scars in everybody. We had already been living together for about 2 years and had dated a year before that. At that time, I did not have the tools necessary to undo what was already done.

Ideally, for a stepfamily in this situation to get on track of healthy functionality, everybody (particularly the adults) should formulate a pact to make a fresh start – a do over. Forgive all past wrongs by everybody due to reason of inexperience. In this case, ignorance is an excuse. Most importantly, it is the only way to get past the bad and move forward in a positive healthy direction. It is easier said than done. In fact, it is the toughest. I usually have to address this within the first month of coaching clients who fit this scenario. I spend a little time explaining probable reasons for so-and-so’s actions, and corroborate it with the person when possible. I give suggestions on how to address it now and similar situations in the future. Then, I create 2 imaginary bags: the “Past, Let’s Forget” bag and the “Future, Let’s not Worry about it” bag. Concerns that so-and-so is going to make the same mistakes get thrown into the “Future…” bag. We can never predict or control if/when somebody else is going to do something. If it’s a behavior that became habitual or is a part of his/her personality, it’s likely the person will repeat it. It takes time to change behaviors and habits. We have to trust that everybody is making a sincere effort, have patience with them, and forgive them when/if they fall short. Habit modification of this kind can be achieved through a 5-step AWAIT process.

Forgiveness is repetitive. I can’t stress this enough. Past wrongs come up again. Sometimes, in other ways; Sometimes, the aftermath or residual effects creep in and become a factor. Some scars never heal. Typically, it’s difficult at best for husbands, wives, Significant Others, and (step)kids to erase the pain or suffering caused by what’s transpired. Sometimes, in a few cases, somebody can find a way to forgive but is unable to continue living there. This is one of many reasons custodial arrangements are altered. In other cases, the stepfamily breaks up. Forgiveness is still vital, though, so the same or similar problems don’t become a factor in the next relationship. Otherwise, it causes emotional baggage with ongoing residual effects.


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

I rediscovered my why in a Jerry Maguire Moment

I didn’t write a new Mission Statement or a memo but it was a Jerry Maguire moment. In the wee hours of the morning, not able to fall back to sleep, I became my mom’s daughter again. My conscious and subconscious came together; in a touchy-feely minute, I reaffirmed my reasons for starting Sensible Steps, LLC.

To date, the best compliment I ever received is when a client told me I was helping him to become a better person through my coaching. That comment in itself inspires me to continue. But that doesn’t explain why I started my company. I want to save other couples from making the same mistakes I did. I would like couples who are truly in love to be able to resolve challenges that are pulling them apart. Little is understood about the uniqueness of stepfamilies. People fall back on what they know – first families. For the half of first families who fail, their skills in healthy relationships may be lacking (something). Or maybe they are in the relationship for the wrong reason, or the wrong time. Whatever the reason, the baggage that comes with break-ups makes the next relationship more challenging, whether the baggage is emotional, an ex-spouse, or children. It helps to talk to somebody who knows how to work through those issues, or at least understand what you went through. It would’ve helped me and my (now) ex-boyfriend.

After I moved south, we were going to make one last effort to make “us” work. I started educating myself on stepfamilies and became a Certified Stepfamily Coach through The Stepfamily Foundation. He was planning on relocating to be with me. Naturally, I had hoped he’d bring his son with him. That’s another story.

We still had many issues to work through, aside from stepfamily issues. I made it clear that they had to come first. Part of my task was separating our problems into 2 categories: step-related problems and other. The “other” things were pretty major. He had not legally divorced his wife for starters. “I’m psychologically divorced,” he would tell me, “so why should the courts tell me I am? How dare they tell me how to raise my son in those mandatory classes?” This argument sounded absurd to everybody except him. From a clinical perspective, it is a cover-up – a cop-out. That piece of paper represented the very things he couldn’t handle – failure as a husband, father, Catholic – as a person. He criticized me, my sisters, and others who got “divorced”. He perpetuated its stigma. His co-dependency was another HUGE issue. I wasn’t able to pinpoint that until after I left. (I guess the forest was too thick to see through the trees.) I was not the right person to help him understand and overcome that. Even if I was, he was not ready. The final HUGE issue was discipline. His son needed to be held accountable for obeying rules. I got to the point of not caring what the rules were, as long as my ex could enforce them. (Truly, I told him the rules could be as absurd as a 2 AM bed-time on a school night, as long as he could enforce it.) His deep-seated fear, guilt, and resentment affected him in major ways. In order to have a healthy relationship, he would need to like himself again. Finally, there was his marijuana use. I wasn’t sure what I’d do about that. But, if we could get past everything else, I rationalized a new environment and new friends may be a positive influence. Needless to say, all of that was too tall an order and he was not willing to seek professional guidance. We ended the trial about 1 year after I left OH.

Among other things, I was concerned for his youngest son. Even though we never became a cohesive family, we had grown accustomed to each other. I knew his son relied on me to fix him something to eat when he came home from school and ensure he had clean clothes to wear to school. Plus, he didn’t like being alone. He knew he could rely on me. I knew the effects of serial relationships on children. Another separation would increase his chances of getting divorced when he matures. It would probably mean more unhealthy relationships, possibly even with friends. On the other hand, his father and I didn’t have a healthy relationship anyway. I had hoped we’d be able to figure it out though. At the least, he should know that his father and I truly loved each other and earnestly tried to make it work. Each of us did the best we could, but it wasn’t good enough.

Thinking about all of this made me realize (again) the importance of being in a respectful supportive environment that helps you to thrive… encourage you to improve… take chances because somebody will be there to help you up if you fall… listen to you… make you feel needed and wanted. In romantic or familial relationships, Love is also important, but not necessary or practical in step family relationships.

This - a healthy home environment – is what I desire for all families. Statistically, there are more stepfamilies than first families. Roughly 25% (depending on varying sources) stay together. Of those, it is said to take an average of 7-10 years before the step members feel comfortable as a stepfamily – to feel somewhat cohesive. These are scary statistics when you think about it. Factor in the prevalence of other common social problems (learning disabilities, behavioral disorders, addiction, depression, adultery, unemployment), and it stands to reason there would be an overlap. To wit, there is a high percentage of stepfamilies dealing with common social problems and trying to stay together – and stay sane. The odds of making it are not in their favor. At the least, I am striving to improve the odds. At most, I am instilling peace and fostering healthy home environments, one stepfamily at a time.

Being in an unhealthy relationship can kill you – on the inside – your spirit – that which makes you “you”. It could be a slow death. A few possible effects are depression, numbness, addiction, bitterness, anger, feeling of being a victim, resentment. A person who dies on the inside is incapable of loving others. That person has lost sight of the joys of life – of what is good and meaningful. Think of how that would affect this person’s parenting or work performance. Children or co-workers would be exposed to this person’s drab demeanor. Instead of spreading contagious smiles or laughter, they would bring people down. We all know somebody we try to avoid because they are not happy… and those we can’t help but to like because they make us laugh, act silly, or are just plain nice.

Simply put, I have an opportunity to make the world brighter. Smiling and listening to people is only one way. God gave me a gift. Not only do I truly like people, especially kids, but I enjoy getting to know them. God also gave me the gift of my experiences, even the painful ones, to learn from. That is why I passionately want to be a Stepfamily Coach.

Not all stepfamilies are the same. Each one is special in its own way. Therefore, one approach will not work with them all. Luckily, there are many Stepfamily Professionals to choose from. Thank goodness most stepfamilies don’t experience the level of dysfunction of mine! A few are worse, but most are milder. My history gives me a broader spectrum of family situations I can address. I know how it feels to constantly be an outsider instead of an insider to your new family. I know what it is like to feel totally alone… to not have anybody who understands what you’re going through… to not have anybody to confide in… to still want to make the most of your situation… still want to do the right thing, but be torn… afraid to get too close to the kids to save them agony if it doesn’t work out… feel frustrated because everything is out of your control… to genuinely care for people who don’t understand you and are not willing to try. I want to give people in this situation a way out – freedom – a way to regain control (real and perceived) – empowerment. Doing that for even one person or family is personally rewarding.


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

I am not a Victim

Once again, I was moved to tears by thinking of my last long-term relationship – my stepfamily experience as an adult. The word “mind-fuck” came to me. That’s exactly what happened – in a word. It’s been a long time since I thought of that word to describe the 2 ½ year experience. I went through a long spiritual process of forgiving everybody, including myself, and ridding myself of all resentment. This word had slipped from my thoughts until about an hour ago.

I woke up from a dream and couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind drifted to the book I’m going to write of that ordeal. The memories brought me to tears. The termination of that relationship was 2 years and 9 months ago, and it still affects me. I guess the scar doesn’t go away. Maybe it never will. The majority of the time, I am not affected and live life like an average happy person. I love to laugh, have a good time, enjoy new experiences, and the company of good friends. As long as I don’t *really* think of specific incidents during those years, all is status quo. However, I decided to write this book and now I can’t escape the memories. I think about what words I’ll use and how to describe the details without boring the reader. Mostly, how do I convey how it felt – to me - when I went through it?

The one thing I want people to realize more than anything else is I AM NOT A VICTIM! I WAS NEVER A VICTIM! I chose to be in that situation and I chose to stay. In spite of the pain, I don’t regret staying as long as I did. Nor do I regret making the decision to leave when I did. The timing was right for me to leave. I believe I would have lost my sanity if I had stayed longer. I am on peaceful terms with those decisions. Yet, that doesn’t alleviate the pain of being hurt the way I was.

I was not physically abused. Nobody called me horrible names (my ex-boyfriend’s ex aside). I was not otherwise demeaned or insulted – not in any outwardly mean way. Instead, I was constantly criticized for everything I said and did. Everything I did was wrong – because it was not the Ohio way, or not *their* way. They had this false sense that they knew the best way to do everything – and that all other ways should be changed… as if different was inferior. They thought that Cleveland water was the best in the country! LOL My way of doing things, and my perspective on most topics, did not make sense to them. They deemed me crazy and always kept me as an outsider. I was constantly defending myself, for even meaningless stuff like drinking bottled water and not believing that pets should be buried in a box/container (non biodegradable containers is like littering and not good for the earth). I understood that and didn’t expect much else from my ex’s family. What hurt the most is that he – the one person who should always have my back - shared their viewpoints.

Society gives the step parent such a hard time because we knew what we were getting into. We signed up for being a guardian to other people’s kids and the whole nine yards. True. Bio parents should be held to the same standard. My ex signed up to be with me – all of me. He liked and admired my *different* viewpoints when we were dating. I’m sure that was part of his attraction to me, as it was part of my attraction to him. So when he of all people never defended me to his family, it hurt my feelings very deeply. By not defending me, he agreed with them. I only mention a couple examples, but there are at least a few dozen more.

That alone didn’t create the mind-fuck. That’s tougher to explain. He essentially lived a lie every day we were together. He lived the lie so well that he made me believe it too. We talked numerous times. In every way I knew how, I tried to make him understand what how difficult things were for me. I made suggestions of things to change in an attempt for us to both be happy together (win-win). He resented the notion of changing on principal. He asked me why should he have to change and how could I ask him to? My answer was why should I be the only one to change? Should I only make dinner for myself? Should I not wash his son’s clothes? Those are changes I willingly made. I resented the notion that I should be the ONLY person to have to change. Why shouldn’t he change? I did… willingly.

Aside from that, most of the time he acted very understanding. He would hold my hand very tenderly, look into my eyes, and very sweetly tell me he loved me, that he understood, and that he would try harder. He made me believe it. Early in our relationship, he made me believe that he wanted to have kids with me. He continued making me believe that long after he changed his mind. Again, he told me what I wanted to hear. Maybe he was the best damn liar ever. That’s what I told the marriage counselor we saw to help us resolve issues and stay together. But, that thought nagged at me because he never came across as somebody who would intentionally hurt another person. On the contrary, he would give the shirt off his back to help a stranger. People who know him well will agree with me.

The mind-fuck didn’t stop at that. Nope. Everybody we knew wanted us to break up. Each of them had their own reason. Unbeknownst to me, a few of them were plotting behind our backs. One went through my phone text messages. People eavesdropped on me. Things I said were turned against me. Exaggerations of the truth and outright lies were told to my ex. I still don’t know most of what was said. One of the stories was the result of 2 people going through all of my personals – drawers, boxes, pictures, etc. All I knew is that he had a difficult time trusting me. For a long time, I blamed it on his ex for cheating on him. The few things I did hear, I confronted my ex. I was truthful. I had nothing to hide, so telling the truth was a no-brainer. He said he believed me, and I believed that he believed me. But, hearing the lies from multiple sources nagged at him and made him question everything – and doubt me. How could he possibly think any of those people knew me better than he did? I wasn’t chummy with them – or anybody. My closest friends were still in AZ. Even phone conversations with them – close personal friends in another state - were turned against me somehow. And, the so-called friends I had in OH turned out to be talking shit about me behind my back. Several things of mine were stolen, a few of which were returned, over the course of the couple years, including $50 out of my purse (2 months before I left).

At the time I left OH, I was paranoid to speak in my own home. I always wanted to look over my shoulder (literally and metaphorically) to see if somebody was eavesdropping. I was leery about talking to anybody. I didn’t know who to trust. The feeling was constant – followed me everywhere I went. You would think this would automatically go away after being in a different environment, but it didn’t. It took me the better part of a few years and a ton of soul-searching to feel comfortable sharing anything personal with anybody – even things remotely personal.

I guess it’s good that I didn’t know the extent of what people were doing behind my back and what they were saying. Similarly, I’m glad I didn’t find out the worst of it until I was ready to leave. Otherwise, I may have decided to leave earlier, or may have gone insane. It’s tough to say. As it is, I’m here and well. I love my life and wouldn’t change it for anything. I’ll never be able to say I didn’t learn anything. If anything, my life has been educational and emotionally adventuresome.

A few more words on not being a victim. It took a lot of time and effort for me to figure out how I contributed to the dysfunction. My state of mind when I entered the relationship had a lot to do with it, as well as the Law of Karma. I fully believe he had good intentions as I did. We were just clueless about how to handle step situations, and other things. Part of the problem was that we couldn’t see the forest through the trees. When I was there, I repeatedly re-evaluated the situation. Each time, I re-established my decision to stay. Others in similar situations may not have seen all the options or even have known they had options. Hence, some see themselves as a victim. If the choice is not conscientious, it is a choice nonetheless. I, on the other hand, conscientiously made the decision to stay, repeatedly, until I decided to leave. None of that makes the aftermath easier. I am a different person because of that experience – a better person. I chose to overcome it and learn from it. I also want others to benefit from it.


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com

Adult Children of Divorce Learn how to Love from Television

Adult children of divorce have the toughest time having healthy relationships as an adult. Because their parents divorced, they were unable to see what a healthy marriage looks and feels like, unless of course either parent remarried and stayed married. Instead of learning how to have a long and lasting marriage, they learn how to argue, stonewall, criticize, manipulate, or any number of things, and finally to give up. On the reverse side, many learn that arguing is bad or wrong and avoid confrontation at all costs, to the point of avoiding any discussion due to fear it may turn into an argument.

They look other places to learn about love and relationships. Without healthy role models in real life, they get their ideals from tv or the big screen. Television dramatizes and sensationalizes everything for the sake of entertainment. Even the true stories are exaggerated or fictionalized for the screen. Girls grow up hoping, and expecting, to have a knight in shining armor sweep them off their feet. Many dream and plan their wedding long before they meet "the one". Boys grow up wanting to be a John Wayne, James Bond, Westley from Princess Bride, or Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) in Pretty Woman.

Many others grow up believing there is no such thing as true love, or any good relationship. Some scoff at having long-term relationships. Some have serial monogamous relationships. While others constantly play the field and never enter monogamous relationships. A commonality in all of these relationships is an unrealistic view of serious relationships and marriage.

Statistically speaking, adults whose family divorced as a child tend to divorce more often than adults whose parents are still together. Adults of a divorced family are also much more likely to be, or stay, in unhealthy relationships too long. They don't know how to choose the right person or how to recognize a healthy relationship. As a result, they stay in unhealthy relationships too long or quit at the drop of a hat without giving all their effort. Or are they not giving all their effort? It's likely they gave everything they knew how to give, but the problem is they never learned how to have a healthy relationship.

Choosing the right mate, communicating without arguing, realistic expectations, and other aspects of healthy relationships are not common sense. They have to be learned. Subsequently, I choose to not criticize people who get divorced. Many of them are truly in unhealthy situations. Many tried everything they knew to do and went out of their way to resolve underlying issues before giving up on the marriage. Many don't even realize they have unrealistic views of marriage. Nor do they know how to surmount the fear inside them - fear of losing the love of their life, of not ever finding the right "one", or getting divorced, of pain, commitment, etc.

If you are an adult child of divorce, I urge you to take the time to find and observe couples who have been happily married for many years, particularly the older generation, but couples of generation X as well. Read books or articles and hang out with other couples who seem to be happy.

If you like this post, you may like these articles as well:
People and Relationships: Happy Relationships Are Contagious
Why So Many Marriages Fail
Love is Not Always Enough



Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

Frenemies in Step Families

Recently, I heard an old podcast of "This American Life" about Frenemies. It basically represents a relationship between two people who can be considered a friend or an enemy depending on the day and current perspective. It either changes between the 2 perspectives frequently or the participants have a difficult time figuring out what they are to begin with. I recommend listening to the podcast if you have the time. I admit it was the first time I heard the term, but it made sense as soon as they explained it. This phenomena is very common although it seems counter-intuitive. The podcast explained there is a science behind people's internal desire to hold onto these relationships, even if they may be unhealthy at times. I realized I had a few frenemies in my history as well.

It got me thinking about possible frenemy relationships in stepfamilies. For example, are BioMoms and StepMoms frenemies? How about ex-spouses? I say I'm friends with my ex-husband, but we don't hang out together and rarely talk on the phone anymore. Plus, I have a few friends who have what I've always called a love-hate relationship with their parents, and sometimes other friends. One day, they are helping each other out, expressing their love and concern, and being supportive. The next day they are saying they hate each other and never want to talk to each other again. Yet, they still talk over the phone frequently, almost daily.

It's been theorized by a few that the friends I'm referring to in these love-hate relationships are bi-polar. I think they are just frenemies. I think their bi-polar attitude is learned from their parents. If your mom tells kicks you out of your house and tells you she never wants to see you or talk to you again... and then shortly thereafter acts as if nothing ever happened, and treats you lovingly... and then the following week, she gets mad and decides she hates you again only to do a 180 within a few days and acts like she loves you again... and on and on, back and forth... how can a child with this type of parent learn anything other than I love you and hate you? This child grows into an adult who treats their friends the same way. Only now, they are treated with drugs to control their bi-polar condition... or they go untreated. Either way, they still treat their friends the same way and wander why they are like that. Maybe it is just the science behind being a frenemy that is really the question.

I think people like to be challenged. They (We) like to stretch our mind and think about things on a deeper level. That is what frenemies do. I think we are internally drawn to keep these relationships because they are the catalyst for us learning more about ourselves. Like attracts like. We are drawn to people who we perceive to be similar to us or who possess traits we want to learn and acquire. Therefore, frenemies serve a purpose. Sometimes, they are family members whom we will always be connected to by blood. That blood bond is stronger than any other.

So, blood bonds aside, why do people hang on to frenemies? Who is the frenemy in your life? What purpose does he/she serve for you?

Some people hold onto their resentment and anger toward their ex-spouse. I've seen this in both men and women, so gender is not a factor; Although, women tend to be more outwardly emotional so it may be more obvious in women. The commitment of marriage is not to be taken lightly. Adult children of divorce can let it go easier and have less difficulty adjusting to divorce as an adult. Adults who have parents still in love and married to each other have a much tougher time agreeing to a divorce and forgiving their (ex)spouse for not trying to continue working on the marriage. I've witnessed these types holding on to their resentment for an unhealthy length of time. It permeates them and makes them bitter at most, unhappy at the least. It's as if the resentment grows like a snowball into anger and then a self-righteous reason to possess the unhealthy "attitude". All the while, they are claiming to be friends with their (ex)spouse - during and after the divorce process.

Maybe this is why some BioMoms try to sabotage the relationship between their ex-spouse and his new wife, StepMom to her kids. Maybe she is consciously or sub-consciously clutching at her resentment of the loss of her first family. Or, maybe she is in the category of people who can't figure out why her marriage broke up in the first place. I found that people who can't figure out the underlying reasons tend to replay events of the relationship over and over again in their mind. It's as if they internally are trying to understand what went wrong. People need closure. A symbiotic relationship with the ex is the best way to achieve closure. Absent that, they need to get closure any way they can.

Closure is necessary at the end of any relationship, whether between close friends, romantic boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, or family members who had a falling out. Verbally attaining closure from the other person in the relationship is not always possible. Writing a journal or letter you never mail is one way to achieve closure. It also helps a person to gain personal insight into the reason they were in the relationship or to their contribution to why it ended. It fosters understanding and a way to forgive.



Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892

The Stepmoms Toolbox discussed Secrets of Stepfamily Success - Review

Gloria Lintermans is author of the book, The Secrets to Stepfamily Success. No, I have not had a chance to read it yet. I barely finished the last book, but plan to pick this one up very soon. I'm looking forward to it, in fact, especially after hearing her discussion on The Stepmoms Toolbox blog-talk radio.

The most significant point Gloria made was the importance of mourning the loss of the first family. Both children and parents need to expend the energy to do it in their own way. Gloria gave several phases of the grieving process. Per the chapters in her book, I'm looking forward to reading the details of how she was able to do this. I'm confident this grieving process can also be used in the situation of a death of a spouse (parent). Gloria has gone through that personally. One detrimental effect of children not properly mourning the loss of their first family is defiance or anger. Please keep this in mind if you have a child or stepchild acting out or being disobedient.

Another point Gloria discussed is about discipline. She advocates all parents and spouses, including step parents and ex-spouses, should communicate and co-parent together. They should all be cooperative and develop long-range goals. I couldn't agree with this more. I advocate this, too, and readily admit this is the most ideal way to build a healthy strong cohesive stepfamily. I was disappointed, though, that she didn't offer specific ways to accomplish this. It's likely she covers this in the book. I know from working with families clinically how difficult this can be. It's difficult enough for 1 set of parents to agree on discipline issues, yet alone 2 sets (4 parents). For these families, total agreement may seem impossible. Setting up household rules is a step in that direction. Be sure to include consequences for breaking the rules and any specific exceptions. Gloria didn't mention that tip directly, but later suggested to set age-appropriate limits or rules.

When asked about a situation in which a StepMom was involved with a non-cooperative BioMom, Gloria reiterated the need for all co-parents to work together. If BioMom has any mental illness, BioDad should petition the court for full custody. She admitted there is no good answer because chaos ensues without good co-parenting. I somewhat disagree. Yes, the answer is not an easy one. Giving an answer is remarkably easier than implementing any tools. Although petitioning the court for full custody has benefits and is possible, it is a very arduous process and likely to fuel tempers and increase arguments. It detracts from the children having easy access to both parents. Many of us already know the research expressing the developmental advantages of children with both parents. Plus, full custody is not practical or possible for all families.

The answer is related to setting boundaries for your family household - empowering yourselves with the right perspective. The right perspective is total acceptance of BioMom. You have no control over her and cannot change her if she doesn't want to change. This does not mean you have to play games. You and your spouse decide your limits of what you will and will not allow, what you will and will not do, and how far you will bend. You can do this and still treat BioMom with respect and courtesy. The biggest effect of total acceptance is the disappearance of resentment and anger. It is amazing how much more stable a once chaotic household can become once this is achieved. It's not quick and easy, but it can be done. All worthwhile goals take time and effort. This is one of them.

Gloria also discussed the higher divorce rate of stepfamilies. There is no consensus on the statistic because many cohabiting stepfamilies are not included in divorce stats when they separate. Some stats estimate this percentage, while others do not. I've seen the stat as high as 85% and low as 66%. Whichever stat is used, there is no mistake that 2nd families break up more frequently than first families. The percentage of stepfamilies that stick through the challenges estimate that it takes 7-10 years for them to feel comfortable with each other as a stepfamily.

The ladies on Stepmoms Toolbox are in successful stepfamilies and I'm very pleased for them. They commented that stepfamilies should "stick it out" because "it hurts but won't kill you." From my personal experience in a stepfamily, as well as a professional working with stepfamilies, I can not agree with this as a blanket statement. Many unhealthy behaviors and attitudes exist in the stepfamilies who break up. Unless these behaviors and attitudes are transformed into positives, maybe breaking up is better for these families. Maybe a few of them are dying - emotionally. Maybe they're changing into somebody they don't want to be. Maybe they are developing addictions in order to cope. There are many other maybe's. All of them are just more reasons to seek out a Stepfamily Professional. A professional may be able to reverse the negative trend into a positive. If not, at least a professional could provide a healthier perspective of the family's situation.

Several parents swear they will never marry or move in with somebody again because of how emotionally stressful the first situation was. That is the reason my mom decided to never remarry after divorcing my dad. I, too, felt that way when I first left my stepmom role. It took me a couple years to overcome that. What made the difference for me is understanding the dynamics of step and figuring out what could've been done differently to get different results. Through intensive soul-searching, I figured out how I had attracted a dysfunctional family. Now that I have finally found inner peace, I feel confident that I'll attract the right relationship/man when I'm ready. Our internal psyche leads us to others with a similar psyche, whether we realize it or not. Chapter Four of Gloria's book discusses remarrying the right people for the right reasons.

There is 1 final angle from the discussion I'd like to bring up. On the subject of a stepmom without children of her own coming into a stepfamily, Gloria's comments placed the burden of learning and adjusting on the stepmom. Because this blog-talk radio show is targeted to stepmoms, it's understandable why she didn't mention the biological dad. Still, it was an oversight to not urge her to confide in and lean more on her husband. This would only work if he also took the time and energy to learn about stepfamily dynamics and made a commitment to adjusting to their stepfamily *together*. These 2 people - Step Parent and Bio Parent - is the foundation of the stepfamily. The better they are at being a team increases the likelihood of becoming a healthy stepfamily.

On this same topic, Gloria imparted valuable insights. She mentioned the importance of learning new tools of parenting, admitting you don't know everything, are sometimes wrong, and have no desire to "replace" or be a better "Mom". I completely agree with all of these insights. I'd further extend this suggestion to the Bio Parent. Bio Parents sometimes get stuck in parenting a certain way, as if they always know best because they are the natural parent. This is not always the case. They are also human, which makes them fallible. Sometimes, their internal emotions of guilt or pride clouds their better judgment. Moreover, many single and joint parents fall into the "holiday parent" and lax on discipline. Little to no discipline by the Bio Parent translates to a tougher adjustment and more stress on a stepmom. A stepmom without children of her own is more acutely stressed when she is perceived to not know anything about parenting when in fact the Bio Dad is not disciplining appropriately. This is common in many households in which the step parent has no biological offspring.


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families
Twitter Profile

New Format in Blog Entries for October

For the rest of this month, October, I am going to try something different. I am going to use this blog in a manner that is more closely related to its original intention - personal over professional. Instead of posting published articles here, and other formal entries, I am switching to more informal posts. I will still write on topics related to divorce and stepfamilies, but I will relate them to my personal experiences. In essence, I will be sharing the same views I always have as a Stepfamily Professional, but I will include insight into how I learned them, when they were learned from personal experience (as opposed to school or research).

Those of you who know me, know this is very difficult for me. It took me many years of training my brain to write academically. My target market was professors and other brainy professionals. Although my speaking style is such that people of all ages and backgrounds relate to me, my mind automatically shifts when I start to write. It is also very difficult for me to write about my personal experiences, as it is to talk about many of my experiences.

When I was young I remember wishing for an interesting life. I just didn't want my life to be monotonous and boring. I didn't really get what that meant. Now I do. It means really high highs and really low lows. That is how my life has been, particularly the last 10 years. Naturally, it is much easier to talk about the happy times rather than stressful times. However, it is the most challenging stressful experiences that has led to most of my insight about people. I truly have learned from all the experiences in my life, both good and bad. In fact, I am grateful for those experiences now, because they led me to finally having inner peace. That is something I never had thought possible. I was a tried and true agnostic for over 10 years after all. (I was raised Catholic, denounced Catholicism in my late teens, and lost my faith in God's existence in my mid 20's, before reacquiring faith early 2008).

You may be asking why I decided to change format to be more informal and personal. Words are freedom. That is what a friend of mine recently told me when I shared with him that I was talked me into writing a book. That's right. I decided to write a book about my experiences leading me to become a Stepfamily Coach. Because many of my experiences as a stepmom were stressful and evokes many emotions, it is going to be a daunting task to say the least. So, I joined NaNoWriMo, Arizona Phoenix Region, along with 1316 other people in the Phoenix area. NaNoWriMo advocates not editing as you write in order to let words and thoughts flow freely, which is counterintuitive to my academic training. That is how I plan to spend November - writing my book. This month will be a preliminary practice, so to speak, of sparking and releasing my emotions and creativity.

Wish me luck!


Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today's Families

AWAIT is a 5-Step Process to Change

Can he change? Will it always be this way? Why doesn't she just stop? He's too old to change. It's a "man" thing. It's a "girl" thing. All men (women) are this way, so she (he) just needs to get used to it. We've all heard or said these allegories and have wondered if they relate to specific behaviors or habits. The AWAIT system of change is a guide to changing yourself or another person.

Each of us needs to accept our partner for who they are and not expect them to change. Yet, change is inevitable. Sometimes, it can do wonders for strengthening a relationship. This is particularly true if a bad habit changes into a good one or if the change is something that will ease stress in the household and make your partner happy.

The following is a few things to remember. Each of us can only be responsible for ourselves. We cannot control another person’s words or behaviors. We can only hope we have influence on them. Most importantly, modification takes time. Hence, "wait" is ingrained in the process. Be patient with yourself and others. Forgive yourself if you fall short of your hopes and try again the next day. If your partner is trying to make a change, be supportive. Point out even small accomplishments. Encourage yourself or your partner to persist and not give up, assuring the possibility of success. Envision what you will look and feel like after you've achieved your goal. Keeping a journal of your daily process will improve the likelihood of your success.

AWAIT is the acronym that coincides with the 5-step process.
• 1) Awareness of the benefits
Don't just list the benefits. Create a picture in your mind and write it down. Feel the new you. Think of it regularly - daily if possible. Awareness not only gives a person reasons to change, but also the motivation to make the effort. It is vital to continue Steps 2 through 5.
• 2) Willingness to exert the effort
Many people want to change their partner even though their partner is perfectly content being status quo. Regardless of the vision created in Step 1, some people are simply not willing to work toward changing anything. A few possible reasons could be the following: too much stress already, benefits of not changing outweighs the benefits of changing, or less than optimal timing. People need to be willing to make the effort and choose a technique.

• 3) Action Plan formulated
You know the benefits and have chosen to work to achieve them. Unless you figure out what you are going to do differently and how, human nature warrants that you will instinctively do the same thing you've always done. The best action plan for you depends on your personality and resources. Start with educating yourself on how others have succeeded. Search the internet, library, and local agencies. Self-help material is everywhere. So are mentors and professional coaches. Replace the undesirable behavior with a desirable one. An Action Plan makes the rest of the approach easier; it is your blueprint for achievement and provides a focal point. "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got" (anonymous).

• 4) Implementation of your Action Plan
It takes 21 consecutive days of doing the same thing to form a new habit. However, very few people can change a long-term habit overnight. Hence, I recommend trying each action plan in 40-day increments. This gives you a few days to adjust to the new lifestyle. Changing anything takes effort. The longer something has been a part of us, the more challenging it is to replace it. Implementation is the most essential step of the all. Without it, failure is imminent.

• 5) Tracking your progress
Writing in a journal daily will significantly increase your likelihood for success. Preferably, write before you lay down to sleep. Mention what day of the plan you're on. Did you succeed? If not, why? If so, congratulate yourself and choose to do the same thing the following day. Remember it takes 21 consecutive days to form a new habit. Every day is a new opportunity to thrive. This journal is only for you and doesn't need to be shared. Therefore, be honest and don't hold back. At the end of your 40th day, reward yourself for all your hard work.

Occasionally, a person does not reach their desired results. In this case, ask yourself how close you came. Maybe you simply need more time and should try the same Action Plan for another forty days. Maybe part of the action plan conflicted with a static personality trait or routine agenda items. In this case, alter or redevelop the action plan while taking these things into consideration. Repeat steps 4 and 5.

This system can be used by people of any age, gender, or culture. Some physiological or medical conditions could require further actions not addressed or implied herein. The AWAIT system is designed to alter typical habits or behaviors. Please consult a professional if you want to modify patterns associated with addictions or psychological disorders.



Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps, LLC
Solutions for Today’s Families



judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892